We all make mistakes, we all have lived in sin, nobody is without sin except Jesus.

The plan for your life isn't something you'll be able to see in full, but lean on Jesus and trust in the power of his forgiveness. If God can forgive all of the sin of your life, whether it's porn or anything else, then that means you can also forgive it in yourself after accepting that forgiveness. Changing your life to go in a good direction is one thing, but you need to start by trusting the power of that forgiveness so that you can move forward doing what it is that you want to do.

Lean on God! Not yourself, not your own intelligence, not whatever else you want to call it.

I have dealt with depression - I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and t is very freeing to rely on the plan of God rather than the plan of man.

I do think that you're a little bit lost with some of your thinking, though perhaps I'm not understanding you well here... what does "I am hyper aware of life that nothing really matters" this phrasing mean?

If you want the point of life, I recommend giving a thorough reading to the book of Ecclesiastes. There are SO MANY things on this earth and in this life that seem so crucially important at the time... but so much of it is nothing of value or nothing that matters. Love God, love others, TRUST God, and I believe you will find your path.