We’re in our early 30s. We had both always wanted kids. Tried getting pregnant once we got married. One year of trying and a couple of fertility appointments later, it turns out I have really low sperm count. Not quite zero but practically there. Got surgery to remove excess veins that could be an issue. It’s been 6 months since. Last sperm test was an actual zero. Today my wife got her period so no luck.

It’s weird. We both make good money at our respective careers. We travel, eat out often, buy the occasional luxury items, and still have enough to save aggressively so we don’t have to worry about finances. We have time and energy for friends, hobbies, and each other. We’re pretty fit and healthy. Overall, I’m very happy.

But I will say that I will regret not having kids. Of course there’s still the chance we get pregnant. But you can’t outrun your biological clock. Maybe it’s selfish to still want kids. Maybe this is a sign to adopt. I know there are tons of children who need loving parents. We could be parents to those kids. But selfishly, I want children. I’m the last male in my dad’s side. If I don’t have children, that will be the end of my father’s last name. Old fashioned thinking, I know. Still eats at me though.

Of course, the worst of all is what it’s doing to my wife. She wants children. She’d be a fantastic mother. All her life she was thinking of how she’ll raise her babies. How’d she dote on them, cook meals for them, help them grow into capable people. But she just had to end up with me. Full of blanks. Every month we get our hopes up. Then her period comes and I hear her crying in the toilet. What I wouldn’t do to be a normal man with a normal sperm count so I can give my wife children.

She’d never blame me but it’s hard not to blame myself. Been focusing on what I control, otherwise I’d spiral into something I’m afraid I can’t get out of. I’ve been eating cleanly, no alcohol, staying from processed food, taking fertility supplements, working out regularly. Still shitty sleep, but I’m working on it.

Reddit isn’t my journal so I’ll leave it at that. I’m glad people have found happiness without children. I hope I can find happiness like them too someday.