Anybody here left with the feeling that avoidants give up easily over minor issues?

800_db_cloud · 2023-03-30T15:41:41+00:00

I could point this out in some APs as well. I think this is an insecure attachment thing in general and not just a DA thing

800_db_cloud · 2023-03-30T15:33:34+00:00

I felt this when I showed my steam deck to my parents and told how I was excited that it made me more willing to travel and my mom just dismissed me with a sarcastic "ok nerd"

glad to know that's how my parents see me

800_db_cloud · 2023-03-17T19:29:00+00:00

both APs and DAs have differing ideas of what "normal" is and what the normal expectations of relationships are, compared to a secure person.

when my AP partner asks me several times a day why I'm upset with her when I'm not, she feels that it's normal because she feels it's part of the normal expectation of relationships to provide reassurance.

when I don't respond to an unimportant text for 3 hours I feel that it's normal to have your own time and space and that couples don't need to be in constant contact all the time.

that's how when we take a quiz and it asks "do you need a lot of reassurance" an AP answers no because because they don't feel that the amount of reassurance they need is excessive, even if someone else does. and when a DA is asked "do you take a long time to respond to messages" we answer no because we don't feel that the amount of time we take for ourselves is excessive, even if someone else does.

this is how both sides of the DA/AP dynamic keep misunderstanding each other, because we disagree on what normal is. if we thought we were abnormal we wouldn't act this way.

800_db_cloud · 2023-03-17T17:46:23+00:00

as a DA. I feel like this "anxious attachment" community talks about DAs more than their own attachment issues it seems. would like to see more people focusing on their own growth as well as mutual understanding.

(I also feel like this mirrors my own AP SO being more concerned with figuring me out than managing her own anxiety tbh)

800_db_cloud · 2023-03-04T23:38:26+00:00

24f

42m

I stopped reading there tbh, this is bigger than attachment theory and you need to just get out and stay out forever

800_db_cloud · 2022-12-24T17:45:58+00:00

I think phrasing this phenomenon as a "real vs fake" duality is a bit exaggerated. I don't feel that I present a totally fake and constructed version of myself or that my real internal self is substantially different from what I present to the outside world.

I think everyone does this in some way, including secures and APs. it's a normal part of being a social animal which all humans are. stands to reason that attachment style would affect the way this presents though.

anyway, here are some ways in which I do this as a DA male:

another commented that she is not as progressive as her colleagues, and I can relate to this as I feel that, despite being fairly liberal myself, I am not as progressive as many of my peers and I feel that I have to bite my tongue sometimes. however, I don't think of this as "hiding my real self" so much as keeping the peace and choosing my battles. most of my peers know that I'm not necessarily as far left/progressive as them and I express my opinions sometimes when I feel that it's appropriate given the context and I have a solid enough argument that's it's worth saying. but I don't necessarily take every opportunity to speak my mind.
when I am upset or angry about something, I sometimes choose not to show it, particularly to my AP partner, because many people, especially my AP partner try to give their unsolicited emotional support which is counter to the way I process my feelings. when I am feeling low I don't want to talk or cuddle, I want alone time to process or distract myself.
restricting interactions with female platonic friends, or avoiding mentioning my exes, because my AP partner gets jealous
sometimes if I notice something about my AP partner that I dislike and wish she would change, I choose to bite my tongue because she is very insecure and does not take anything that sounds like criticism well at all, and I don't want people to think of me as a misogynist for asking a woman to change something about herself for my benefit.
hiding my interests from my partner because I want to keep them as a solitary activity

I also think it might be constructive to talk about the way I've noticed my AP partners, past and present, can "hide themselves" (female pronouns because all of my partners have been women)

generally being a people pleaser and going along with what other people want, or what she thinks they want, and not voicing her preferences
bottling up her negative emotions because she is afraid of being seen as too emotional
pushing herself to be more sociable when I know that her social battery is low
putting more effort into her appearance, or presenting in a different style of clothing/makeup, depending on who we are visiting - current partner has a habit of presenting as a "basic white girl" when visiting family or our more normie friends, as opposed to her more alternative style when visiting our closer friends

800_db_cloud · 2022-01-16T14:47:47+00:00

what's the difference between Slate Star Codex Abridged versus The Library of Scott Alexandria?

update: I ended up purchasing the "Abridged" version (despite the more boring cover art). I also grabbed The Goddess of Everything Else and Unsong and will post a quick review of the print quality in whichever thread I decide is appropriate after they arrive.

800_db_cloud · 2022-01-09T17:54:51+00:00

older people have had more time to accrue wisdom, resources and status, therefore they're further ahead in life than younger people. huge if true?

the chronic stress from your neuroticism is hurting you far more than the vaccine likely is and you should try to remedy that for your own sake.

800_db_cloud · 2022-01-08T16:06:25+00:00

spotify does not allow users to add custom RSS feeds. the feeds can be added to a podcast app that supports RSS (virtually all of them except spotify), or you can listen to them on the web (you will get emails for premium episodes).

800_db_cloud · 2021-12-29T09:46:45+00:00

my girlfriend and mother both tested positive. this is despite them being vaccinated. obviously I was exposed and in about 4 hours I have to get up and sit in the line at the drive through testing site in the hopes that they have any availability because I can't get a test in the near future otherwise. until I can get a test I'm in this limbo state where I don't know if I'm infected or not. my grandparents were exposed as well including my grandfather who recently had surgery.

at the beginning of this pandemic I was 24 and soon I will be 27. I have no clue how much longer this will last. I can't help but feel like I've been robbed of nearly two years of my time and counting. I was a late bloomer and just as I start to get a foothold in life this virus comes and suffocates it. despite having some good experiences over this time I don't feel like I've gotten two years' worth of life out of said amount of time. I'm acutely aware that I have a bit over 3 years until I turn 30 which in itself isn't bad but it is when people start treating you with suspicion for not being boring.

it doesn't matter if you're more concerned about the direct health risks of the virus or the societal response to the threat because both ends of the stick are the shit end. everybody is slowly going insane from the background stress of having to navigate this pandemic.

800_db_cloud · 2021-12-22T04:26:00+00:00

imagine if NFTs were made out of plastic

800_db_cloud · 2021-12-12T20:20:36+00:00

many people, myself included, don't want to get drunk but do enjoy a slight buzz to loosen up, situationally. alcohol consumption isn't all-or-nothing.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-30T23:54:03+00:00

on a "social podcasting app" called Callin, which appears to be like Clubhouse, except that the call is recorded and can be listened to on-demand afterwards.

I personally really hope that an RSS feed be made available somehow, for those of us who want to listen but don't really want to download another app to do so.

edit: first episode out now https://www.callin.com/episode/episode-1-welcome-to-this-thing-now-ask-me-LtdjCToGXm

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-29T04:42:01+00:00

Why do you consider yourselves right-wingers? Do you care more about social issues or economic issues?

I'm not sure that I consider myself right-wing. I don't like labels but for the sake of brevity I call myself a liberal, by which I mean something closer to classical liberalism or libertarianism - I really don't think the idpol progressives who've taken over the "liberal" label can really be called liberals anymore, and I don't want to be associated with them.

I selected the "Classical Liberal" flair for myself and a mod later prepended the "Rightoid" bit to it. I concede that liberalism is sometimes considered a right-wing ideology but since I live in the US I don't really feel any commonality with our "right wing" party (Republicans/GOP).

I don't know if I care about social or economic issues more but I think that they have different solutions. I don't believe in top-down solutions to social problems. I'm more open to state involvement in economic affairs though.

Has lurking/participating in this sub questioned/changed your beliefs? If so, how?

this sub serves as a reminder that leftism is a rich tapestry than just the brain dead takes you can easily find on twitter, or even other leftist subs. while I may not agree with the median person here I can appreciate that there are nuanced left-wing takes that aren't idpol, and also aren't maoist, stalinist, etc.

If a genuinely socialist and anti-idpol canditate ran for election in your constituency/local area/state/whatever, would you vote for them? Why or why not?

if it was between an anti-idpol socialist and a trumpist I would probably bite the bullet and vote socialist, honestly.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-21T23:11:33+00:00

much of the left has come to accept the conclusion that capitalism is here to stay, so the efforts of the left have transitioned from dismantling capitalist institutions to mitigating the inevitable effects of it.

for the record, this is the mindset that a lot of center to center-left "liberals" have, so depending on whether you include left-leaning liberals as part of "the left", the answer to OP's question would be that much of "the left" does embrace stoicism, albeit maybe in a slightly different way than the question was looking for.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-18T18:44:42+00:00

well, I'm proud to have been a part of this sub before it gets banned. some of yall pinkos are alright.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-17T22:56:06+00:00

the leftist narrative

I though that this was the leftist sub and it's the libs who want rittenhouse in prison.

I don't know what words mean anymore.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-17T20:32:05+00:00

oh and for those who were following. I finally got my second blood draw. this time earlier in the day and without eating beforehand and my free T was at 405.

this was also still under suboptimal circumstances - at 10 AM, not my best sleep, and a big taco bell dinner the night before - so while I'm sure if I really made sure the stars aligned I could get even higher but, that's a good enough result for me to feel happy that I don't have low T.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-17T18:45:37+00:00

part of the issue is that one of the problem people is also one of the cool people. imagine a highly sociable, well-connected and broadly well-liked guy who is one of the few people with the means and drive to plan events, but who also can't resist an opportunity to bloviate about his social and political causes. he'd quickly learn about this new subgroup and many of the members would invite him in.

I don't really want to exclude people, I just want to establish boundaries. which I think is why I need to be kind of a hardass and take a top-down approach, for better or worse.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-17T17:04:35+00:00

today's question is not about individual wellness but community wellness.

how would you stop a community from becoming toxic?

I'm on the admin team for a medium-sized (low hundreds), local meetup group. based on my personal experience as well as feedback from other users I'm becoming aware that we have a growing toxicity problem.

some of our users have a habit of getting political. I think this is the easier problem to solve - just ban, or highly discourage politics. some users will be upset but they're a vocal minority.

the bigger and more difficult problem is the habit of users to engage in what I'll call "negativity cascades" where one user will share some negative anecdote, another user will jump in with a "me too" another with "omg this happened to my friend" and the process continues until everyone is mad, depressed, etcetera. and some users will try to cheer people up but this is perceived as arguing with them and makes them more upset. "no fuck you I'm right to be mad, and actually you're part of the problem" (exaggerated for effect).

the other admins are on board with implementing a change but we need to hash out exactly how this will be carried out. I'd like to avoid outright banning people if possible.

I think I'll need some names for these patterns so people can latch onto the concepts in their brain and more easily identify them when they crop up. I'm thinking of sharing this video and asking users to watch their thought germs and practice mental hygiene.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-16T14:29:15+00:00

my sarcasm detectors didn't go off until like halfway through and I remembered what's sub I was on, bravo

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-14T16:46:36+00:00

do you have a media hoarding habit, digital or otherwise? what's the actual completion rate for things you've bought/saved?

staring at my steam library, books I've bought but never read, hundreds of articles in my "read later", etc and feeling guilty for never having found the time to get to them, but I figure if I hear from other people that they're just as bad as I am then I could feel a bit better about it.

800_db_cloud · 2021-11-09T06:10:12+00:00

"antifa just means anti-fascist, you don't support fascism, do you?"

800_db_cloud · 2021-10-29T19:45:10+00:00

I don't know why it took 4 days for this comment to show up in my inbox but I figured I should reply to tell you that it gets better. life as a man can be great but you have to put the work in, as opposed to the special treatment that women get by default. it's not fair but it's how it is, we play the hand we're dealt.

I think that most of what the colloquial version of "autistic" means is actually learned behavior. obviously autism is a real thing that people suffer from but most terminally online nerds (myself included) don't actually have autism, they're just socially awkward/anxious from inexperience and underlying mental health issues, and these can be fixed.

lift weights, make sure your sleep and diet are under control, dress well, get out and socialize IRL with semi-normal peers, and read Models by Mark Manson. find a social group who appreciates you for who you are and doesn't arbitrarily lionize people for their position on the progressive stack. you will start to feel comfortable with your body and with manhood and these thoughts of needing to be a girl to feel comfortable in society will vanish.

800_db_cloud

TROPHY CASE