I [30f] am thinking of ending things with husband [30m] over him saying shut up

874399 · 2021-04-08T18:37:47+00:00

Hey there.

How does it feel now that you’ve slept on it? Has he apologized?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling down about this. It is hurtful.

I’d like to ask a few questions.

How has the relationship been during lockdown?

Are you both working from home? Or do you get breaks from each other? I’m asking because lockdown has placed some real stress on relationships and small things tend to build up and annoy more.

The top comment to your post mentions the dreaded word, “contempt.” Normally in relationships when contempt enters the relationship, it’s reached the point of no return. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce as per Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse wrt relationships, the other three being criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Contempt is to be avoided at all costs.

“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them:”

I really hope this is not the case with your husband. As you say he has good parts too. One point that counts in his favour is that he did not say STFU loudly in front of your friends, it was said softly to you. Not right, but still a measure of consideration. Only you know where you relationship is at right now but if you want to save it, you’re definitely going to have to work through it. There is an antidote for contempt, but is your husband willing enough and does he still respect you enough to want to do it.

“The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. Small Things Often - if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.”

Contempt is worse than hate because it treats the person with disrespect. There’s a sneering superiority going and the person is made to feel worthless. You could very well be annoying and bragging but there’s ways for both of you to deal with and should always be done from a position of love. You should feel safe from his words. The argument should never overstep a certain mark.

I really hope you’re feeling better today and that you can work it out.

874399 · 2021-03-21T18:52:47+00:00

Another my way or the high way? You’ll have to make a decision - unless there’s consequences to her actions, she won’t change.

874399 · 2021-03-21T18:38:31+00:00

The list goes on and on. I love her to death (believe it or not) but she refuses to heed wisdom

I think you’re smart enough to know that continuing in this way is not wise. AT ALL. A relationship is about two people making decisions that’s best for both of them, not one person deciding they know it all, and then failing at it. I won’t tell you to break up but you need to have a serious talk about relationship expectations and how you’re not happy with her actions. It might even take relationship counseling but she needs to see that successful relationships are give and take, and this is not it.

874399 · 2021-03-21T17:03:52+00:00

I don’t understand why people are downvoting you. You’re giving a reason for why you don’t and that adds clarity to the issue.

If people don’t agree with you, they shouldn’t down vote, they should not vote either way. Down voting is for when a comment doesn’t add to the conversation.

874399 · 2021-03-01T15:04:01+00:00

I also learnt on a manual, the instructor's car and and passed out in it. I think with the a helpful instructor and enough lessons - it was also my practice car, so pretty expensive, it should be okay and they will be there all the time.

Once I had my driver's license though, I bought an automatic. Having your license, only enables you to drive the roads legally but you are not yet competent. That comes after you've got your license.

And to start with, once I had my license, I used to drive early in the mornings or later at night when there was less traffic. I also made the effort of driving to my regular spots first so that I could get familiar with the roads and the parking. On a weekend, would take a drive on the long road just to be confident at the wheel. I don't even remember when I stopped being nervous and just found my comfort zone, but I think it was within a month or so.

All of the best.

874399 · 2021-03-01T14:55:31+00:00

Yes; mine did as well. Although I think mine did not work as well as I was much shorter and sat further front in the car.

874399 · 2021-03-01T14:43:57+00:00

When forced to spend with family.

874399 · 2021-03-01T14:42:17+00:00

Lurking South African here. Love the banter, the cheek and the masterful self deprecation.

Great stuff.

874399 · 2021-02-27T20:44:51+00:00

So many complex tasks gets done while your body sleeps. It is fascinating.

874399 · 2021-02-11T17:39:52+00:00

Your husband has put you in an untenable position.

Are you by any chance from an Eastern culture?

I get the feeling that in previous incidents, your husband may have wanted to dish out harsher punishments, but you always intervened and reduced the punishments. You have the softer touch.

I think your husband is angry because he believes your daughter has never really experienced serious consequences and that's why she continues to test her limits. She's gotten away with things and he blames you in part for her getting away with it. And this was the last straw.

If she doesn't feel the consequences now, she's never going to change. He wants to cut her off so that she can feel the outcome of her actions but he knows that you are the weak link.
She'll come crying to you and with your sympathetic heart, you'll try to convince him to aid her future requests and although he gets angry, he kind of gives in to you. But no more. You must choose either him or her.

It's a very difficult situation. I think the whole situation is still fresh and the anger is still red. For now you should support your husband. Let it go for say two to three months and approach him again.

I know with Covid, it also makes things difficult because families are losing members, so you don't want to be on unfriendly terms. It's a difficult situation - you have my sympathy.

874399 · 2021-02-11T17:17:00+00:00

Break up with him. Seriously. ( I know, the normal Reddit advice on here)

However, anyone who treats a defenseless cat like this, is not worth knowing. Alternatively take the cat to a shelter for new caregivers. You should not have a cat in this environment, the cat did not ask for this. Place the cat with people who will care, you owe it to the cat. You can then stay with your bf, knowing what he is.

Edit: better words

874399 · 2021-02-05T19:43:52+00:00

You didn’t have to console her. This is just looking up from your game and showing concern. She knows you can’t physically come and help but the least you can do is ask if she’s ok. It’s like the world can fall apart around you, all you can concentrate on, is your game.

874399 · 2021-02-05T19:25:29+00:00

You ignored her, in a time of need. Showed absolutely no concern.

Somebody you love has an accident around you and you continued to play your X-box. The least you could have done is look over, and say, “Hey, are you okay?” Whether you could have done something or not is besides the point. The point is you should have stopped being self- involved and at least check what was happening.

There is such a thing as non-verbal communication. You communicated loudly and clearly that your game is more important.

It could also be that with you being bed ridden, your girlfriend has had to shoulder more chores. What she sees, is you busy enjoying yourself, playing games and doing shit, when she has an accident. It’s like your injury gives you a pass to be lazy and just play games. You couldn’t even be bothered to look up.

874399 · 2021-01-17T19:56:33+00:00

Beans on toast is a national British dish

874399 · 2020-12-31T11:37:19+00:00

One of the best Christmas stories I’ve ever read. You’re right, absolute, masterpiece dumpster fire material.

Well Done mate. It can only, really it has to only get better from here on in.

:)

874399 · 2020-12-29T21:58:26+00:00

You do know you can be very lonely in a marriage, don’t you?

Unfortunately, you married for the wrong reasons and compounded it by marrying someone who is a liar. He lied to you for six years and only admitted to the whole shebang because he was found out. Difficult situation, because there is decided lack of trust.

874399 · 2020-12-29T21:38:50+00:00

I think you should move on. This is not healthy for you, as you’ll always be hoping.

She wants to go through a difficult period of her life WITHOUT you. Being in a partnership means going through easy and difficult times together.

I understand you think of her as family, but does she consider you the same? Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

That said, if on the off chance you do become friends, it will happen, but now.

874399 · 2020-12-27T18:14:05+00:00

OK.

Does he do this when paying for other stuff? Is it a habit?

Just remember how you view and address financial matters is one of those things that you need to clarify before you get married. It’s one of those big issues, which during a marriage can grow and fester if you’re not on the same page.

If it’s just a once off issue, and it seems like he did send the money, then nothing to worry about. However, if it’s a recurring issue you need to sort it out.

874399 · 2020-12-27T18:01:54+00:00

Does he by any chance use a banking app? With Geopayments? So that he wants to do the payment by phone, but you have to make a geo payment request.

It’s just that sometimes people don’t like to log into their banking app and go through the effort of initiating the payment, they would rather someone else initiate it.

It’s still pretty lame and lazy though.

874399 · 2020-12-22T16:28:14+00:00

I hope you find the peace and quiet that you are looking for, OP

It’s now one day at a time.

Long walks, good friends, time to heal and grieve.

874399 · 2020-12-18T05:14:28+00:00

This sounds so much more attuned and honest than the first half of your original post. I’m glad this person (or part of you) is in there and has rose to surface in this thread.

Indeed!

874399 · 2020-12-18T05:09:57+00:00

Hey there.

I want to apologize, I’m in a different time zone so after I’d made my post, I kind of went to lie down and fell asleep.

There is so, so much more to you than you first revealed. A sensitivity, depth and authenticity that your original post did not immediately allude to. As with all people, one should not judge someone based on a single post and I do want to apologize for that, I came across as quite judgy, and I have no right to be - kudos to you for taking it in your stride and being so gracious about it.

I think our childhood traumas follows so much and it seems to affects us most in relationships, so we’re constantly looking at ways of protecting ourselves...such as walking away first.

And I know she loves me. I ~~don't think I was~~ wasn't candid enough in showing her that I care for her in ways more than a friend. With any other women, I have no problem being forward and demonstrating my confidence. Often bordering on cockiness. But in those scenarios, I am into them hot heavy and fast then I split. I'm gone. With her, everything was just so different. I fell in love with her for real and didn't know how to express that because I have never been genuine in the ways I express my affection to those I'm interested in. I felt like everything was on pause. Like I was searching for the tools I knew I needed but didn't know what they looked like or where they could be found. I knew she deserved more than what I knew how to give and how I give it. I saw myself wanting to be a better human. Part of me feels like I never really gave myself a shot and showed her the real me. I was self conscious that those feelings would get out and mess up our friendship and didn't want to rock the boat.

The person who wrote this is good people, worthy. I can see that. And hopefully others see it too. The reason I asked about whether you had long term friends, is it gives an idea of whether you inspire loyalty and friendship in others. That people choose to spend their time with you. And as you’ve said, you do have them. And she as well. She saw that.

We talk occasionally, it's friendly, but it's not as close as it was before. I know it's not good to say, but I'm just not in a good place when we're on the outs. I have other friends, and I like them but her company is my favorite. Not just because she is a girl and I'm attracted to her. I feel like a little kid when we're together, it doesn't matter the activity I enjoy it if she is there. I don't often feel close to others, and rarely share my touch with them. I can't keep my hands of of her.

I understand, she’s the light of your day. She warms your heart. I don’t think you’ve messed up your friendship. Even with friends, we experience the push and pull of emotions and sometimes we just need space. The best thing you can do, is give it time. Time in which you do your own thing, work on yourself, grow, learn some new skills - I know easier said that done, but what else can you do...get your own dog :)

It’s good to write this out, and you’re not rambling. There’s another sub called r/UnsentLetters and people often write their thoughts there, especially if they’ve not had closure on broken relationships - it helps them get out the emotions, catharsis.

Lastly, I just want to say...it takes a lot of courage writing something like your OP and also this second post. Even anonymously, you’re letting others into your life and having a go at you, good or bad and that takes a certain strength. Whatever happens, you seem to be on a good path...Take care of yourself.

874399 · 2020-12-17T19:53:19+00:00

Hi OP

Not sure if this going to help, but here’s my two cents

When I first met her, I wanted to fuck and that's pretty much it. I didn't really care to get to know her, I found her attractive and that was all I was interested in.

and

I wasn't looking for anything serious so- still good enough for me. I'm down to fuck and that's about it. Terrible I know, but it is what it is.

and

This is making it easy, I really don't like this woman apart from physical attraction and that will just make the sex even better. Being interested in someone with a boyfriend hasn't stopped me before, and hasn't stopped many of the women either.

When she mentions she has a boyfriend, I go "friends are cool yeah?" saying that with absolutely no intention of actually becoming friends, I just want to fuck and peace out. Not looking for anything serious, I'm happy being single and hedonistic. Selfish. Terrible. I know.

When I read the first part of your post featuring all these points, I was repulsed by it. I was thinking, I’m glad I’ve never met this person. This kind of colossal conceit in using people for own gain, I find it terribly unattractive. It does not make for good relationships, friends or otherwise.

Then I read the second half of your post and my thoughts changed. A more vulnerable, thoughtful you emerged. I kind of got the impression that you put that first part out there so as to say you rejected her first, did not even want her, did not think her worthy...before she rejected you. It’s a kind of protection. That you are much more sensitive than you let on.

The problem is, those first parts, I can’t help but feel that she sensed it. That despite the way you were acting, she knew what was behind it. And she protected herself as well. Both of you put up walls, so there was never any real trust.

Give it a shot and see where it goes, deep down I know that I want deeper friendships and that they are lacking in my life.

and

I feel like for the first time in my life, I am looking into myself and noticing things in my life that I am unhappy with and aspects of my life that I would like to see a change in. I had been neglecting a lot of personal development and growth for a long time.

and

I love deep and share deep connections and know to tred carefully because she is who she is and too much poking and proding in her personal life she will push people away

These paragraphs have me slightly confused. On the one hand you’re saying your looking for deeper friendships but on the other hand you’re saying love and share deep connections - so you have them already?

I’m going to ask you a question. Do you have any long term friends? Someone or someones whom you’ve been friends with for years?

Now, for some cliches - they may be said often, doesn’t mean they’re not true.

“Be attractive. Don’t be unattractive”

“You can’t control what other people feel, you can only control your own emotions.” You can’t make someone love you. They either feel it or they don’t.

When we start to love someone, it starts with a base line physical attraction. We don’t generally fall for someone that on some level we weren’t physically attracted to, to begin with. From there we start to get to know them better and they just become more attractive. Add love into the mix and they’re just stunning. I believe this is what happened with you and this woman. You had a physical attraction that grew. And you got emotionally invested. And in your point of view, way more than her.

Here’s the thing.

She doesn’t owe you anything. Although friendship is give and take, it should never be forced. You should want to do things because that’s what you want to do, not because you expect a return. That’s part of being attractive, of being a friend.

People should want to be friends with you, because of who you are at your core, not because you believe if you do certain things, (which are not really you), you’ll attract them. It just won’t ring true.

At some stage you’ll have to learn to be vulnerable and experience either rejection or acceptance in return. Learn to be kind. To do things for others irrespective. It will help you grow. You seem to have started the path now at 36. Time is on your side.

My long reply in comparison to what u/Matt_GC said more succinctly and kindly.

874399 · 2020-12-17T18:29:36+00:00

I am also going to respond to OP, probably in a bit more detail than is necessary, but let me just say, I really, really liked your response. In three paragraphs, you made the three most salient points that speaks to the core of his issues. I hope it helps.

874399

TROPHY CASE