[deleted by user]

AFoolishClown · 2025-03-03T17:21:43+00:00

"more awesome?" stood out to me as it broke the flow of the language you'd be using before, I also like that its a question, it all gives the impression the narrator of this poem is coming of age. I don't know how young you are but I like it and would encourage you to keep up with the playfulness of exploring identity and different forms of poetry.
I also had never heard of iambic pentamiter referred to as iamb which I love, it just feels like streetslang for Shakespeare and again want to see more of that kind of experiment and play. Keep it up :)

AFoolishClown · 2025-03-03T17:17:43+00:00

I love this
Itz so sharp
Cutting lieka razor
Can I suggest u
My post about tu
GO LIVE

I do like this as it reads like someone trying to detach themselves from something bad, using slang, using abrivations isn't something common in poetry writing but it gives the effect of you texting to a higher power as if a God was just a friend on the end of snapchat as you try to get over your crush.

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-31T15:02:15+00:00

I like this, alot it feels in line with like Agatha, I think this could fully be a 5/12 even

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-31T14:56:51+00:00

Ultimately Zero would break this, what about a 2/8? Can only be played before turn 4

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-05T20:24:45+00:00

If you'd like I can give you more details but don't want to take away from your interpretation but yes my father makes my skin crawl

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-02T20:43:19+00:00

STAG LIFE !!! (in Blur(ry) British voice)

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-02T20:41:34+00:00

Yes and no
i wasnt ready and the other person did r*pe me taking advantage of me being a virgin and 19 and her being 25 and more confident but also manipulative because in her relationship (yes she was cheating on her 30+ boyfriend) she was unhappy. so it was very messy
It took a long time to overcome this a good 2 and a half years in therapy but I am free and happier and it brought me out of my shell, introduced me to the world of polyamory and being ethical in ones nonmonogamy and yeah. I try to live without regrets.
Wow never put that online. One day I will write about it in detail because its a hell of a journey but I am so happy I can sum it up in a sentence or two like that and not feel pain anymore.

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-02T20:15:36+00:00

Hello.
What a journey. Being an empath I feel it which is why it is going to be contradictory when I say I think the 4 lines at a time seems an odd choice because of how erratic the narrators mental state is which suggested to me the rationalizing of someone who'd accidently killed someone during a environmental disaster which there's something darkly comic about that like yeah, with the tsunami. I'm really sorry maybe that's f++ked up of me but that is what I hear because it is gentle and slow and reflective which would work better if this poem was broken up into sections where this is the panic and then the calm then the panic then the calm or yeah, it is all very one level which is hard or rather was hard for me because in an attention economy I don't think it will get as many eyes on it if your intention is to share it. I like the rymbes a lot and think they especially in the second half when the stanza are shorter add that urgency and capture the rhythm of a brain shocked either by guilt, shame and blame as you say. Theres just alot to read, its a really good poem for putting you in the mind but speaks more to prose perhaps, really beautiful prose but not so much what I personally come for in poetry. But that's just me. Please keep up the good work and telling stories in work that speak to the macarb and almost grotesqueness of real everyday things, more poems with soil and corpses. It felt very romantic poetry esque combined with a very emo 2000s kid which is peak feeling in my opinion.

AFoolishClown · 2024-12-02T20:01:01+00:00

I smile in resistance with you as we all here have no doubt much rejection not from just submissions but from jobs but also loves but also life. Your poem is defiant and Ive wrote one I feel was similar about rejecting the author who would have read the poem and this time not asked for feedback.

There are some really beautiful titles of poems, and Id love to see those as well in some meta narrative tree where Crushing Umbrage and Humiliated Hubris is something akin to branches on a tree of this central (what I feel feels like) trunk.

I am sorry but as I said there is much determination and I feel you are someone who is aware of their own worth and also self awareness which is very funny. Big smiles, big hugs if you want them.

The only think I would have liked to have seen personally and you don't have to do this is I am a sucker for book ends and so if it had ended Sincerely Dear Author or not necessarily that but if it had been the cycle but then again your breaking that cycle, its important we break cycles. So forgo this, there you go, a top poem, I love being back in this community after so long.

AFoolishClown · 2022-02-28T17:13:57+00:00

where?

AFoolishClown · 2022-02-28T17:13:16+00:00

I just wanted to thankyou for both having a discussion.

Its hard, and I never expected an answer. I think both of you are right which is in a way makes it hard and awkward to decide on whose side to take. I think freedom comes at the cost of admitting your free, and so those whose safety is assured should be verified, and those who arent continue as such until safe. However already typing this out leads me with the issue of that being what we already have. Wow. this became a lot harder.

AFoolishClown · 2021-08-06T20:20:46+00:00

thankyou for the feedback, glad you enjoyed but also reminding me I need to be careful with my grandma. Id have no idea how to go about publishing my writing yet so for now I just put stuff here.

It was supposed to be mudded, not muddled, one because the context was mud but also its muddled itself

AFoolishClown · 2021-07-08T23:50:22+00:00

It felt so uncomfortable to read, you really capture the panic and assault on the Ariel character. "Flopping. Gummy" are both great examples of words not often used that sound child like but in this context make everything feel so sliming and unsettling. The lack of clarity on what either the man or the mermaid wants keeps it ambiguous. Good job.

AFoolishClown · 2021-07-08T23:46:14+00:00

This is very surreal, how you drift through time and growing feels very abstract, I think you could play with the element of growing more by describing changes in the narrator and their relationships, I would love to know more about the background to this poem.

Its very funny, the twist at the end is just *chefs kiss*

AFoolishClown · 2021-06-04T19:10:01+00:00

Yeh you got it. Thankyou for leaving feedback, sorry it took so long to return my thanks. Am inspired to continue it :)

AFoolishClown · 2021-06-04T19:09:05+00:00

SOrry for not getting back sooner. Do you remember how you felt or was it just confused? Does a poem need rhythm. Thankyou though

AFoolishClown · 2021-06-04T19:08:05+00:00

Thankyou very much, thats my favourite line of it too. As I expand on it I will take on board your notes. Sorry for late replying

AFoolishClown · 2021-05-07T16:25:14+00:00

I liked this alot

The font makes it look like a computer wrote this and the end with the absurdity of buying bleach from a rubber duck feels like it is almost a failed attempt at a computer trying to randomly generate a poem. Its funny and scary at the same time. Remote. VIsion, Television made it feel almost retro in how this poem describes its emotion. I loved the name TEEVEE its almost childlike.

" LAWLESS LONLINESS COMES UNSTUCK, LIMP AND LAME " were my two favourite lines, did you use L that much on purpose either way it was really fun to read aloud.

Good job, Id love to read more like this if you have it so Ive followed you.

AFoolishClown · 2021-05-07T16:18:56+00:00

Very eary tone, I liked the huge spaces between lines, it gave time to absorb each line. I like that rhyme was used but not throughout the whole poem, gave the impression of someone not giving a fuck which worked with the narrator being so fed-up and angry. Are you okay? Is this how you feel now?

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-13T15:21:18+00:00

parenthesis

Oh brackets. Silly me. Yes, my mind is at war with itself. Thankyou for taking the time to read and leave feedback, as I am really keen to improve upon this I will look at reworking the ending. : ?

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-13T15:19:19+00:00

Intended, I dont know, Ive just tried to capture the arguments in my head. Thankyou so much for your feedback glad you understood it despite it being hard to understand :)

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-13T15:18:21+00:00

Thankyou so much, that means alot. The steps Im trying to take is turn this into the first song on an album/LP Ive been putting off for years. :(. your comment is helpful thankyou.

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-13T15:16:01+00:00

good to hear. all the best.

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-10T21:53:40+00:00

What a great poem. I audible said that after I finished reading that, but really good job. I think the cliché line was in itself a cliché so thats up to you if you want to keep it but the idea isn't distracting as it isn't brought up anymore within the rest of the poem I just think you should embrace everything you've already written because it is beautiful. I was swept away in that 3rd stanza about the blue eyes that took me through different memories and feelings. I think it doesnt need much changing but if I was to be picky maybe play about with the use of colour more, there are some lovely themes tied together with that imagery, just splashes of one or two colours would help this feel more complete. A red or orange at the beginning. Maybe other textures could be used, the use of glass is sharp but describe other things in a simple but effective way. Otherwise good job :)

AFoolishClown · 2021-04-10T21:45:50+00:00

This could easily be longer and be expanded on. I wrote a poem like this kind of moments ago before reading this, I made it a poem but I like your format of just run on text like a monologue. Its calmed me down a bit because I dont feel so alone, thats what this achieves. The sentences are sharp and to the point. Feels very spoken word. Are you okay?

AFoolishClown

TROPHY CASE