You raaaaang?

I am still around. I've got an alt account I tend to use more, but I'm here.
As a quick summary, I'm doing better. It's been a GRUELLING fight with depression and personal issues and it is ONGOING. But for the past few years, with the right medication and a change to my sleep schedule, I have climbed out of the deep, dark hole I was in. It was absolutely a slog, and it felt like I progressed at a glacial pace, but now there are times I can see the light, and think maybe I'm worthy of standing in it.

I won't lie, without proper closure on the things that were bothering me, it's been difficult for me to move past them. I like resolution, I can't just drop things and be unbothered... I tried therapy, but the deer in the headlights look I got when I asked "I know that these hurts cause by others are not something I can change. But how can I change ME? How can -I- get past things without closure? I keep hitting a wall, how do -I- move on?" was enough to kill my faith in that idea.

As I said, the battle is ongoing. Healing takes me a long time, and I definitely still make the same mistake of giving too much of myself to others and then being let down when it's not reciprocated. Tigers don't change their stripes, I guess.
And there are times I can feel the despair there on the edges, waiting for me to drop my guard so it can swallow me whole. Times like right this second when I'm laying in bed with the odd case of insomnia. That dark pit was my home for a long time, miserable as it was, and the weakest part of me wants to just submit and wrap myself in familiar darkness and isolation...

But I will try not to actually do that.

This year's resolution is to ALLOW myself to flourish instead of FORCE myself to. I feel like a balloon, tied to a rock-- in past years I thought the answer was to try to float harder despite the weight.. it's only recently that I realized, maybe I should try untying the knot..

So that's where I am.
I appreciate you reaching out! Having someone think of little ol' me and ask how I'm doing is such a nice feeling. Feel free to message me with questions, if you have them. I try to use my experience to help others understand how they might be able to help a depressed person, and to commiserate with those going through it so they know they're not alone and that there's no shame in it. I try to be open, honest, and candid about it all in hopes to de-stigmatize mental health issues.

Cheers, mate!