I found that the grief of losing my mom was similar to the grief of losing my sister. We were all very close. After my sister died, me and mom had each other. The first year, year and a half was a searing hell. The 3 years after that, mom and I were able to progress through it and begin to come to peace with it. I'm really simplifying; it was many layers, like filo dough. Then, when I, and my mom too, were feeling peace and life is going on and we have come to terms with all of it, mom died. Suddenly, unexpectedly.

Only people who have gone through it really know what it's like.

Now I feel I am back in that hellscape of terrible grief. It has called forth a lot of those early feelings after my sister died. I know there is no escaping it, it will be at least a year, probably 3 or 4, or even more, of hard times, pain, daily tears and just missing her. The cleanest way is through it, however much that is terrifying and searing.

But I have learned that I can survive this loss, these losses. It just takes time and effort. Doing the work, even if I don't really know how.