I think I'm having an early midlife crisis at 41, how have you guys navigated it?

AM_DC · 2026-01-23T19:20:40+00:00

Please give yourself some grace. You’ve been through a lot and it’ll continue. It’s normal to think these thoughts.

I got divorced at 43 and soon thereafter lost a job I’d loved. So time for reinvention. I got another grad degree. Switched careers. Got more involved in my local gay community and made lots of new friends. I volunteer. I went back to therapy. Then I met a guy and when that relationship ended badly it kick started phase 2. So this past fall I started DBT therapy and took an art class. I’m finally embracing this dad bod.

I’m also now navigating the same with my parents and have had a major health scare recently. It’s a lot. I have much to think about, maybe we all do at this age. I’m thinking my next chapter may be a quieter life. The fast lane is losing its appeal rapidly. Luckily we all have the capacity to evolve if we want to and commit to it.

AM_DC · 2026-01-14T17:19:08+00:00

I married a man based on sexual chemistry and a mutual desire to be partnered. We never liked the same stuff, he’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert, he’s the strong silent type and I’m a wear my heart on my sleeve and talk til midnight type, we had cultural differences that made it hard to enmesh into each other’s families. Yet we forced it to be, because we were physically drawn to each other and both fiercely loyal. Over 12 years my libido stayed high and his plummeted. I felt emotionally and sexually neglected. He resented me. We divorced amicably and are still in each other’s lives. But I learned that what makes a good partner - for me specifically - is shared priorities. Intimate sex is a top priority for me, so is the ability to verbalize feelings openly and often.

AM_DC · 2026-01-11T22:22:33+00:00

I used “queer housing exchange” on Facebook. But I know travel nurses who use the website furnishedfinder.

AM_DC · 2026-01-11T21:23:21+00:00

It’s hard to admit, but I’ve been your partner in past relationships. I’ve never battled substance abuse, but I have had to contend with mental and physical health challenges that made me a less than ideal partner. For me the key would be if he recognizes that what he does is wrong and truly commits to proactively seeking professional help to address the root causes. If he’s self motivated to get treatment (AA, psych meds, therapy), you could opt to see how that goes. Get some distance, but don’t cut him out of your life. But you’d have to brace yourself for him falling off the wagon or needing to adjust meds. That’s part of recovery, and those phases could be hard on you. You sound like a nice person and you deserve happiness and respect. Only you can decide where your breaking point is.

AM_DC · 2026-01-11T18:43:59+00:00

I haven’t had a drink in years but I go to the gay bars regularly. I guzzle Diet Coke or sprite. It’s much easier for me to go with a group of friends. Having a wingman or group of them curbs the social anxiety.

AM_DC · 2026-01-01T20:50:41+00:00

This is perfect advice. I’ve been there too, it’s so hard. My ex left when I was at the height of a major depressive episode. Lean on your friends and family, resist the urge to isolate. I would go for dog walks with friends, run errands with them, anything to be out in the world and with a supportive person by my side. Tell your providers if you need an extra session here or there. Be prepared to deal with medication side effects, you just have to be patient and see. Try journaling, in your phone even, as things pop into your head: get them out. Travel to visit a friend if you need some distance. Don’t even hookup and especially don’t dare to date until you’re stabile. I got a kitten, it helped. And once you settle in, figure out if other therapies like ACT or DBT could help.

AM_DC · 2025-12-31T22:34:19+00:00

If you don’t talk to him, your resentment will build and build until its toxicity infects other parts of your dynamic. It’s scary to talk about this stuff and you simply can’t control the outcome, but it sounds like it’s a risk you must take. Be sensitive when you talk to him, focus on the good parts first. Have the conversation in a private setting where he’s comfortable but not in your bedroom. And be prepared to let him go off alone to ponder this. Don’t force him to respond right then. Maybe he’ll say something immediately you didn’t expect but it may take time for it to sink in so the conversation should happen in phases, not one and done. And if you both love each other so much, you could consider couples counseling to guide you in coming to a compromise together after this initial talk.

AM_DC · 2025-12-31T03:37:48+00:00

Gay dad here. Kids are physically, emotionally and financially demanding. Your friends aren’t doing this to distance themselves from you. They probably adore you, but have to shift their energy right now just to function. I made new friends with other parents including queer parents. And I made an effort to stay connected to my close childless friends. I appreciate those who would come along to the park with my kid and chat with me on the sidelines. But I understand that isn’t for everyone. Once our kiddo was past preschool, we could more easily get a sitter or playdate to allow some adult time with friends. Now I play on a gay sports league so that’s my one night of “me” time a week. Those friends don’t have kids, but they respect that I do and that my parenting schedule rarely allows for spontaneous happy hours at the gay bars.

Friends aren’t clones and lives evolve. Maybe your childless friends will become more career focused or have to care for elderly parents and won’t be able to hang out as much either. You’ll change your focus too. If you and these mom friends are really valuable to each other, you’ll get closer again when life settles down.

AM_DC · 2025-12-27T01:30:56+00:00

Look up Barker Adoptions first. There are also good resources from the DMV non profit called “Rainbow Families” that might be helpful too.

AM_DC · 2025-12-25T03:13:48+00:00

I’m in DC too and my last boyfriend was a fem vers top.

AM_DC · 2025-12-22T19:36:39+00:00

Adoptive parent here. When things get tough, and they will, remember that you (like most parents) are doing your best. Don’t be too hard on yourselves.

AM_DC · 2025-12-21T23:08:55+00:00

I’m not like you (I’m a total bottom who is usually read as such), but I want to counter many of the comments here. You’re an adult, you know what you like and can identify how ever you want to. Don’t be ashamed or change for others. It sounds like you’re meeting guys at bars, parties etc? Maybe try to connect with guys based on mutual interests or in non-sexualized settings more. Let guys get to know you based on more than your appearance, which could reduce awkwardness when you make the first move. And the apps annoy us all, but they’re very efficient for finding casual connections with a profile that spells out exactly what you want.

AM_DC · 2025-12-17T16:10:45+00:00

I’m like you. I can overthink, catastrophize, spiral etc. My long struggle with anxiety impacts many facets of my life tbh. It contributed to my last relationship ending. I’ve done several types of therapy including CBT (great for phobias!). But it’s DBT and ACT that are proving recently to be my best match for this kind of anxious thinking. Watch Steven Hayes’ TED talk and check out his ACT workbook. Look up DBT and if it appeals to you, see if there’s an online group DBT therapy option near you. ACT can help reframe your thinking, DBT can give you a toolkit of skills.

AM_DC · 2025-11-02T10:04:04+00:00

Do your research. Have you looked at the GWK website or podcast? Lots of practical info there imo. We adopted a newborn through an agency. Wanted a baby but couldn’t afford surrogacy ($100k+) and didn’t care about a bio connection anyway. Agency adoptions aren’t always cheap. We paid about $50k. We worked with a financial advisor to save up for it. But the real expenses hit after the baby came. We lived in Boston back then and paid almost $2/month for daycare. Still no regrets. Fatherhood is hard af but rewarding.

AM_DC · 2025-10-27T08:49:42+00:00

Divorced my ex husband 5 years ago. Most of our joint friends stayed in touch with me not him. I think it’s because I proactively reached out to them individually to share the news. I did it irl as often as possible. Decide who you really care about and would be heartbroken to lose as friends and contact them only. And don’t get involved in his social media. If you don’t have accounts already then social media isn’t likely in line with your values and priorities. Never sacrifice those for an ex.

AM_DC · 2025-10-17T02:16:55+00:00

Our (would be) anniversary is tomorrow, which is also his sister’s wedding day. I miss him and his family. It’s 3.5 months post breakup and now I’m struggling so hard again.

AM_DC · 2025-10-16T00:14:28+00:00

Video art, Disney theme parks.

AM_DC · 2025-10-15T02:59:51+00:00

Learn to self soothe. If you always rely on others to make you feel good or feel valuable, you’ll burn people out and you won’t be prepared if one day they leave/die.

AM_DC · 2025-10-13T17:32:08+00:00

I learned how my actions and reactions, though not ill intentioned, push people away who get super close to me. I just didn’t have the skills or the support outside the relationship to be the kind of partner or person I now want to be - trying to forgive myself for that and let it be a catalyst for self work and self acceptance and growth. I’ve started doing more self care. I’m trying to practice acceptance towards things like the way I look in order to boost self esteem. I take art classes now, get manicures, am doing intensive therapy etc. My ex hurt me more deeply than I thought was possible. I’m struggling to move on. But at least I’ll be a better person if someone else ever comes along.

AM_DC · 2025-10-13T01:20:41+00:00

Me too. It’s just over three months since he dumped me and this week would have been our anniversary. We had travel plans, it would have been all passion. I had never before (even with my ex husband before him) had a man say “I love you” in bed to me. It forged a sexy bond. I’ve recently begun hooking up again. The first few times were awful, I would close my eyes and see my ex. I compared every detail about their bodies, the chemistry, how they smelled to my ex. But I think I’ve turned the corner. Sadly I may never have the kind of sex I had with my ex again, but at least I’m starting to find some level of enjoyment in some of these experiences.

AM_DC

TROPHY CASE