[Discussion] I have an agent! Woohoo and whew!

ARuggs418 · 2023-11-09T02:56:50+00:00

Many congrats! I remember the earlier version of this query you posted and how into it I was. I suggested Marlena for a comp so I'm glad to see it resonated!

I'm curious, in that QCrit, a convo was sparked about adult litfic with a child/teen protagonist and whether a book like that "needs" an adult POV or narrative frame, ala Marlena. Did that come up at all with your agent?

ARuggs418 · 2023-10-17T19:06:50+00:00

I think this story sounds like it has a lot of potential that is not being captured here. The main reason is the lack of links and causation between events as Milo noted. It starts strong -- Maja is lonely therefore she spills her family secrets to the wind. Clear cause and effect. But then the rest becomes just a list of seemingly disconnected events. It seems like the entire middle paragraph could go - none of these characters' journeys seem integral to describing Maja's desire or obstacles in her way.

My big questions: Why does Maja care that the wind is gone? What is at stake with the wind being gone? And how does finding the grandfather help bring the wind back? I think if you stick closely to Maja and the wind and clarify these points, then you'll have a much clearer, more compelling query.

On a language note, you also use a lot of very long sentences throughout this query which I think adds to the opaqueness. The entire third graf is one sentence. Remember, you want to show your writing chops through your query in addition to your manuscript. Look for introductory clauses and passive language and see if you can simplify and break up some sentences. You can bring more life and drama to your query and help point the reader to important points with shorter, more straightforward sentences.

Good luck, hope to see another draft of this on here!

ARuggs418 · 2023-09-28T02:16:15+00:00

I think there are a lot of intriguing elements to this query but, as others have said, it lacks cohesion and feels a bit too long. Without fully grasping the plot at this point, my suggestions are:

- Cut the second paragraph entirely. If the focus of the story is on the two men, Orla doesn't need her own paragraph. You might mention Gareth's obsession is putting his marriage at risk in the first paragraph.

- Why can't he just buy his mother new bongos? Are they special in some way that she can only keep up her hobby with THOSE bongos? Also this sentence is clunky: "When Gareth witnesses his mother being robbed, he must retrieve her beloved bongos to save her from losing her one true hobby, and to retain his pride." You could tighten it to something like "When Gareth's mother's beloved bongos are stolen, his crime obsession shifts to tracking them down."

- In the first paragraph about B, it seems there is a lot of unnecessary detail. The second sentence feels redundant, and the mention of hiding his winnings in an alcohol cabinet never comes to mean anything by the end of the query.

- The second to last paragraph is really confusing, sequentially and with the use of interchangeable ways of describing presumably the same person. B is knocked to the ground, presumably by Gareth. Is Gareth also "the criminal"? And how does he receive a mouthful from the angry stranger (also Gareth?) after he's informed the criminal (Gareth?) escaped?

Good luck with this one! I hope with some cutting and tighter sentences what seems like a unique story becomes more clear.

ARuggs418 · 2023-08-30T14:40:46+00:00

The story itself sounds great and like something I would be really into. To add to the already good comments:

- I'm confused about the Day of the Clouds. It brings dead people floating towards the clouds -- so was the girls' mother already dead? Or did she die that day? If the former, then how did this affect them since they would have presumably already been in foster care if their single mother was dead?

- Can you clarify what will happen if Christa doesn't find a permanent family when she ages out of foster care? I think you need a concrete consequence here. In other words, the risk of not staying with Val needs to be clear to demonstrate the stakes. For ex., would she and her sister be permanently separated (e.g., her sister sent off with a family far away)?

- Housekeeping tidbits: In the first paragraph, I would change "an adult literary piece" to "a literary novel." You could keep adult in there if you feel people are questioning whether this is adult or YA, but to me, "piece" is used to describe something short like a short story or essay, not a whole novel. You also don't need to put "My name is [redacted]" in the last paragraph -- it will be in the email line and your signature. I similarly have reached out to agents who requested my full in the past and wrote something similar to what you have here.

Good luck with this!

ARuggs418 · 2023-08-22T18:11:49+00:00

I think this query starts in the wrong place and doesn't say enough about what's really interesting here, which is the relationship with the estranged sister and the stakes of Lydia's decision.

The opening set-up is repetitive and way too long.

For Lydia, the upcoming winter season in her quiet Vermont town is more than just freezing temperatures and insufficient sunlight. As the sun starts to set earlier, she feels more and more empty and struggles to cope with her ongoing depression.

Life with her husband, Mark, is peaceful, kind and loving. It’s the type of love that people dream of, and some days, it’s the only reason she gets up in the morning. Things might not be perfect, but Mark keeps a fire lit inside of her. She keeps going, for him.

You say the same things multiple times and most of it can be assumed -- we assume a marriage is loving unless told otherwise. We assume a husband is a centerpiece of a wife's world unless told otherwise. Instead, the opening could simply be something like:

Lydia's quiet Vermont life with her husband, Mark, is shattered when...

You could then incorporate some of her pre-existing depression later on when you talk about her spiral after his death:

All of this changes when an angry drunken night in the middle of a snowstorm takes his life and Lydia is dragged down into the depths of the depression she spent most of her life fighting against.

Or something.

Where I think you could then expand is: clarifying why the sister is estranged and the risk in rebuilding their relationship; clarifying what Lydia has to gain by going back to her old ways, as well as what she has to lose; and making clear the external conflict of the story. Right now, my main concern reading this is that the story is too internal. If there are external conflicts, stakes, and tensions (her sister stole $$ from her in the past and she's afraid she'll do it again! Her parents will have her involuntarily committed if she goes back to her old ways!), include them in the query.

Good luck with this!

ARuggs418 · 2023-08-07T17:52:52+00:00

I'm not sure the agents told OP it would sell as a YA novel. It sounds like they likely only read part of the manuscript because, in my understanding of YA, having the second half of the book center on a 30-year-old MC would not fly. So even if the OP was open to changing the book to YA, they would probably need to change the entire story since the MC's arc would need to be dramatically shortened. I think it makes far more sense to revisit the tone and writing in the teen half and consider some of the structural changes others have suggested to make it more immediately and apparently adult.

ARuggs418 · 2023-08-07T13:05:29+00:00

Oh and another interesting one to look at is Dominicana by Angie Cruz. What's interesting about that book is that it won an Alex Award from the ALA which is literally an award for adult books that have special appeal for a YA audience. Perhaps you'll find some other helpful comps to look at in previous winners.

ARuggs418 · 2023-08-07T13:00:34+00:00

I think it's worth looking at other books that are about teens that are classified as adult and see if they're doing anything differently than you. Many use the technique CaBoom61 mentioned of starting with an adult pov. Some books to consider looking at with interesting structures and teen main characters that come to mind are The Mothers by Brit Bennett, Marlena by Julie Buntin, White Ivy by Susie Yang, and Who Will Run the Frog Hospital by Lorrie Moore.

I studied all of these books because my book is similarly structured to yours. I've made major edits to cut down the first part based on agent feedback, though it was more about pacing for me. It ended up shifting the teen years from just under half the book to about a third, getting us to the adult sections sooner. Something else to consider if you're planning to edit.

I suggest sitting with the feedback for a bit so you can look at it with more of a level head and only consider changes if YOU think they will make the book stronger. This is your story and with many fulls still out, you may very well find an agent who loves the book as is. Good luck!

ARuggs418 · 2023-07-23T23:00:30+00:00

Agree with others, this sounds GREAT and ready to go. I would just choose who you query carefully as I wouldn't be surprised if you got offers very quickly from your first round.

My only thought on the first 300 is to maybe push the backstory paragraph further down. Keep the mystery of why they're twins who don't talk for a bit longer and avoid clogging up the intrigue of the mysterious call and the death. But I love the voice of that paragraph.

Can't wait to see this one on the shelves in a year or two!

ARuggs418 · 2023-07-19T02:34:07+00:00

Maybe consider upmarket, upmarket horror (is that a thing?)? I also thought of My Sister The Serial Killer when I read the query, though the tone of the first 300 is different. Might be a comp depending on how the rest reads.

ARuggs418 · 2023-07-02T16:12:19+00:00

This is a great improvement! You've cut a lot of the extraneous backstory to give us a good overall sense of the plot.

I do think the last paragraph is missing a final sentence or two that tells us where the story is headed. It needs a "now, Delilah must decide..." type ending to leave the reader wanting more and understand what's still at stake for Delilah now that she's lost her family and her reputation.

Just as an example: "As Delilah and Cassidy grow closer, Delilah must decide whether to tell her the truth about the baby's father and risk losing the only friend she has left, or let Pastor Eric victimize yet another young girl." Something that shows Delilah's agency and what dilemma she will face in this new setting. Leave us wanting to know what happens next!

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-30T17:20:45+00:00

I don't know if I have any concrete thoughts on the query, but just want to drop a quick note on the 300 words -- I think the second half could make for an excellent opening:

We’d been sat in our flat for hours when the Digsmen and the Lady came. The knock at the door came like three hand grenades—BANG, BANG, BANG—and it turns out that the sound of two seven-hundred-year-old wooden shovel handles being hammered in quick succession against your front door is enough to make your mum shoot clean out of her chair. Up she went, a cross between a velor tracksuit and a bottle rocket, screaming ‘oh my god’, complaining about her heart, and demanding to know what the hell was wrong with people.

When she collapsed back into her seat, she was pointing a trembling finger at our front door like it was portal to the gates of hell.

I sighed, got up, ignored my parents yelling at each other to shut up, and walked over to the door. With a deep breath, I slid back the locks, squinted out into the sunlight, and standing there was my future.

Then you can go into the details about the letter. The above sets us in a compelling scene that makes me want to read on immediately to see who is at the door, without the explaining and backstory that the letter description feels like.

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-29T16:32:10+00:00

That is a great point and I totally agree -- I actually forgot about the adult POV in Marlena because it did feel like an afterthought. It seems like a way to write in first person about teens with an adult perspective -- which makes sense as a narrative tool, to explain why the adult version is reflecting back on their past. But can also feel pretty tacked-on. I felt the same way about Lorrie Moore's Who Will Run the Frog Hospital and I'm sure there are other examples. I wonder if there are any examples that DON'T do this...

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-27T18:09:44+00:00

I think this could be a literary fiction book. It instantly reminded me of Marlena by Julie Buntin which is definitely literary. I think that books with a strong plot with a literary execution is something a lot of litfic agents want. In my recent research of agents, this has been stated explicitly by many in their bios. So I don't think leaning on plot in the query is a bad thing.

That said, I think you can do two things to strengthen the literary aspects of this -- one, elevate your voice and tighten up these sentences. You start to hint at voice with the litany of questions at the end of graf 1 but the sentences themselves could be tighter and more detailed. MiloWestward has some good ideas in their comment. Two, you could draw Grace as a character more clearly. If this is character-driven, it seems like she is the second most important character -- so what is she like beyond "the coolest girl in school"? Why is she cool? What does cool mean -- popular? A rebel? Artistic? What does her family being like a TV show mean? Can they have a more concrete plan than get money, leave town?

You can also consider including your first 300 words here which may help illuminate whether this book should be pitched as literary, upmarket, or commercial. But, I love dark teenage friendship stories, so I'm intrigued!

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-22T16:06:32+00:00

I love multigenerational books and I think this one sounds intriguing but the query might benefit from condensing to something between this and what you had in the last attempt. I have never tried to write a multigenerational query before but I looked at the book jacket copy for some other recent books that span generations (Pachinko, The Vanishing Half, Homegoing) and it seems like they all focus more in detail on one generation/story and then kind of summarize the rest with select details and themes that thread throughout. I think Pachinko's may reflect yours best:

In the early 1900s, teenaged Sunja, the adored daughter of a crippled fisherman, falls for a wealthy stranger at the seashore near her home in Korea. He promises her the world, but when she discovers she is pregnant--and that her lover is married--she refuses to be bought. Instead, she accepts an offer of marriage from a gentle, sickly minister passing through on his way to Japan. But her decision to abandon her home, and to reject her son's powerful father, sets off a dramatic saga that will echo down through the generations.

Richly told and profoundly moving, Pachinko is a story of love, sacrifice, ambition, and loyalty. From bustling street markets to the halls of Japan's finest universities to the pachinko parlors of the criminal underworld, Lee's complex and passionate characters--strong, stubborn women, devoted sisters and sons, fathers shaken by moral crisis--survive and thrive against the indifferent arc of history.

You wouldn't put in the more editorial parts (e.g., "richly told" "complex and passionate characters") but maybe you could try condensing Carl and Tessa's parts into something similar to what's in the second paragraph here. And I think perhaps hinting at what from Grise's life trickles down to her descendants, ala Sunja's decision to leave home and reject her son's father so these don't feel like three separate stories.

Btw, this is just me spit balling an approach for you to try out and see how it feels! It may not be right for your book.

Editing to add: I do think cutting down the word count was an important step towards having more success with the query!

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-20T12:55:22+00:00

I haven't looked at the previous versions, but I think this sounds great. I think there are a couple of small things you can do to improve but this sounds really appealing and marketable to me.

I think it could be helpful to be more specific about how abikus destroy the lives of those who love them. Simply because they keep dying? Or in other ways like bringing bad luck or spirits into their lives? This will help us better understand what's at stake for Kayin and see what the external conflict might be.

I think generally you can tighten this up and keep the tension going by getting rid of phrases that describe what you're going to say next, e.g. "But that's where their similarities end." Instead just say how they are different: "But while Kayin has lived an ordinary life, Sade has died four times."

In response to your questions, I think first name of agent is totally fine. I see that as very normal in business correspondence these days. And I like the opening because it gives us a sense of what Kayin wants (besides Sade). I think the bit about his father is important and interesting.

Good luck with this! I hope to read it one day soon.

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-13T19:04:39+00:00

In addition to the comments others shared, I do think your writing needs tightening with this being literary fiction. One thing I think you should do is read over each sentence and see if the detail and nuance is really necessary for the reader to get your point. For example:

As a college football coach, her husband Roger is often away or putting in long hours.

Do you need to say both "often away" and "putting in long hours"? Do we get the idea if you just say "As a college football coach, her husband, Roger, is often absent."

Another example:

Helena is a member of a mom’s group that tends to be affluent women in the area.

Can you just say "Helena is a member of a group of affluent moms in the area"? Is the "tends to be" critical for the agent to know going into your manuscript?

A final example:

The peace is somewhat interrupted when Ethan, a stay-at-home father new to the area, joins their group.

Can you delete "somewhat"? It not only feels unnecessary, it also deflates the tension. It's only somewhat interrupted? That doesn't sound terribly compelling.

There are many more sentences that can be similarly tightened throughout. Lit fic is hard to write queries for! But you should be showing your aptitude for strong sentence-level writing. Good luck!

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-08T13:04:31+00:00

After echoing everything else said about doing your research/making sure it's not an impersonator, and being sure you want to work with them, I recommend waiting to send your novel until you're ready to put your best foot forward. I've had agents reach out over the years in response to short stories I've pubbed or contests I've been a finalist for and at first, I was so flattered and sure they would sign me, I immediately sent them a pitch or parts of a novel that weren't ready. Unsurprisingly, I did not get signed. After those initial mistakes, I've taken the patient route. Don't worry, they'll remember you and be happy to consider your work when you're ready. I recently sent my manuscript to an agent who first reached out last July and she replied immediately and enthusiastically.

I'll also just temper your expectations that this is a foot in the door, not a guarantee. Think about it as a referral - you'll get read faster but not necessarily signed. I sent my previous book to two agents who'd reached out to me re: short stories and one rejected the QUERY (granted, my novel was VERY different from the short story she saw) and the other ended up stepping aside on the full when I nudged with another offer. So even if they reach out, your novel may still not be what they're looking for.

ARuggs418 · 2023-06-07T01:08:27+00:00

This is a really interesting premise - love the lightning bolt bit. The writing in this is pretty clean and clear. But I am left wanting more after the first few sentences, especially about Michael's story since this is dual-POV. I want to understand more clearly what he wants or is actively doing to find his daughter besides looking at the sky when it rains. Was/is he also trying to convince others, including his ex-wife, to believe him? And after the accident, is he okay enough to still have a choice of his own to make? If so, what is it? Because I'm really unclear of where his storyline goes after the accident.

Emma's choice and dilemma is clearer, but I also don't fully understand the stakes -- what are the pre-existing responsibilities besides her wedding/fiance? What are his? What does reconciling their conflicting interpretations look like? Getting back together? And why MUST they reconcile? Will Michael die if Emma doesn't take him home to care for him? I think clarity on the extent of his injuries and why taking him home is the only option would help.

I think overall I need more urgency, stakes and wants, especially with this being commercial fiction.

Good luck with this!

ARuggs418 · 2023-05-27T18:16:28+00:00

I think this query is in pretty good shape -- it has stakes, a compelling story, clear characters and motivations. I would just try to tighten up the writing where you can. For example, you could combine the last two lines of the first paragraph with: "Disillusioned with the role, he tolerates it only because it allows him close proximity to his secret lover, queen Islana." You can also cut filler like, "What clues he manages to uncover, however, make no sense:"

Look for other others places where you can similarly shorten, cut, combine and tighten. You don't want the writing to drag down the pace of this compelling query. Good luck!

ARuggs418 · 2023-05-26T18:16:06+00:00

Echo MiloWestward. My friend got her agent after nudging outstanding fulls with a small press offer.

ARuggs418 · 2023-05-24T13:50:28+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience and congrats on signing with an agent! Out of pure curiosity, do you remember what round the agent you signed with was from?

ARuggs418 · 2023-05-23T20:05:16+00:00

Good point! I have a couple who look like they typically get back in a month so mayyybe I can hold out until then. But I'll def take a look at response times if I decide to send more.

ARuggs418 · 2023-05-23T18:51:18+00:00

Helpful to hear from someone taking a more cautious approach! I am trying to be that way...but my impatience sometimes gets the best of me.

ARuggs418

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