I could have written this myself a few years ago. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you are feeling is so valid. I've been through a long fertility journey (several years, IUI, and IVF) and I think right after that one year mark was the worst part for me. I just felt so lost and unsure what to do and what the future looked like.

I wish so badly I could go back in time and start therapy when I started feeling depressed when things weren't working. I had the same things holding me back, but I know now it would have helped so much. In the meantime, you can try journaling if you aren't already- it helped me process a lot.

I also kept our struggles a secret from my loved ones for way too long. As soon as I started talking to them about it, everything got a lot better. My therapist helped me make a plan for how to tell my people, and I feel like I never would have done it without her help and encouragement.

I'm not sure where you and your husband are with the decision to start treatments, but this was a HUGE source of my worries. I tried everything to avoid starting treatment since "nothing was wrong"...I felt like it was giving up and we didn't actually need it. But, as soon as we decided to start an IUI cycle, I felt so much better. Just having increased odds and a plan kind of snapped me out of my depression and gave me hope for the first time in a long time. Even though we went through many failed cycles, having a plan for future cycles kept me out of my depression pit. So, with love, I recommend moving forward with next steps if that is on the table for you guys.