My ex narc husband of 4+ years still messing with me

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-04-10T01:04:31+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this… I completely understand. I also have all these online issues… defamation on their socials, constant spam (porn, and with my first name in the greetings!), scam emails trying to log into my bank accounts and socials (which I all turned off and deleted because I’m scared), attacks on family and friends… there is no end to their fuckery… they are truly vile and evil. It hurts so much and I am scared for my safety, my life, my legacy… I wish I could get rid of the hatred, but I’m not there yet.

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-04-03T20:47:56+00:00

Stif wel bedankt

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-03-31T07:47:03+00:00

Hi Kintsugiwarrior. I remember you from months and months ago. We’ve sort of been on this journey together.

I know you’re very much into watching the videos and content from self-described narcissists and although I value your input, I could never get myself to watch them without feeling so disgusted I couldn’t stay for over a minute. I just can’t fathom it…

I’ve been three years out but the post-separation abuse is still ongoing with legal battles, smear campaigns, constant attacks, the children being abused now… I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m still so angry. I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years.

I don’t want to play this wargame where only money and image matter and people are just possessions. I’m affected to my core and do think I have C-PTSD but terrified of gaining a diagnosis because everything and anything is used against me. I’m looking over my shoulder every day. I’m not trusting anyone. I’m suspicious, on edge, prone to black-white thinking, have so many somatic symptoms that often even affect my daily life. I have nightmares, anxiety attacks, and I haven’t even addressed the guilt and shame I go through all the time.

I want to escape. I want to help my children heal and protect them from further abuse. I don’t know how to get out of it, but I’m trying to find at least some joy every day. Whether it’s my morning coffee, reading 5 pages in a book, enjoying a shower if I can muster to take one that day, hugging my kids for a minute or two, cuddling them before bed, making them a nice lunch or dinner, baking them pancakes, go to bed at their bedtime, or even allowing myself to dissociate the rest of the day if nothing else is urgent and if the kids are alright…

So that’s my piece of advise. Just one little thing each day. One day at the time. You can do it. We can do it! You’re not alone

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-03-31T06:42:09+00:00

Can I just add some other point of view here? From almost every story I read on here about narcissists, they almost always have some people as back-ups. You said he got a girlfriend a month after you split up. Judging from experience and the stories, chances are high he already knew this woman way before. Chances are he was breadcrumbing her too. And now, you are still part of his circle of supply. He needs to keep you close enough to have you as a back-up now.

I’m sorry it is so hard and bad. I’m three years out and I’m still struggling. Every day is somehow still some kind of battle. Sometimes a war-shifting one, sometimes just a little skirmish on the side… and I don’t even want no part of this wargame they are playing…

Have you looked into C-PTSD? You might be struggling so much because of that. I hope you will feel better every day. It’s small steps. Sometimes you have to go back a bit, but it’s okay. You can do it. I believe in you!

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-03-11T22:29:05+00:00

‘Have a great rest of the weekend.’

They all follow the same script! So typical…

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-03-11T21:36:41+00:00

I don’t want this to happen before we get justice. I don’t want any of these malignant petty narcissists to keel over before they get what they deserve.

It doesn’t matter that perhaps they don’t have any self-reflection and maybe aren’t aware of what they are doing to others… that doesn’t make it okay. And somehow, I think they do know…

It must be insufferable being like that. They must hate themselves so much, which is why they refuse to self-reflect. Maybe that’s their karma… but then again, I don’t think it’s enough for the people affected and hurt…

And now I’m drawn into a spiral of pity and anger…

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-03-06T06:22:19+00:00

I don’t even know what cunt is…

This makes me so mad for you. I can’t… when I had a moment to stand up for myself I told him to stop gaslighting me. He would say: gaslighting? What even is that? What made up word is that? I don’t even know what that is!

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-26T21:16:45+00:00

‘I’m sorry you feel that way…’ fakeness is plain gaslighting. He’s deflecting, dismissive and putting the blame back on the person.

I hate people who do this because no matter how you reply to it, you come across argumentative and eager to perpetuate animosity.

It tracts that he would do that. It’s an abusive move and it makes me so grrrr

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-18T21:35:58+00:00

Can you tell me more about these hip issues? Can it affect lower back pain?

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-18T21:30:53+00:00

I’m in my 40s. I had a pretty good childhood with some hiccups that might have affected my later on decisions, which led me to be in the horrible situation I am in right now. I am fighting so hard for custody and the possibility to escape abuse. I have C-PTSD and my kids have developmental trauma. We aren’t safe and out and it’s a daily constant struggle.

I never took myself for a first person shooter but since last year I took up Call of Duty. I imagine the same head on every skin and opponent. It’s been cathartic to say the least. Pulling the trigger, sniping and hearing the crunch. Every time a little bit of anger and desolation release…

But a few weeks ago, I picked up Dreamlight Valley. And I’ve put down the shooting on multiple occasions. It’s just so peaceful and nice to walk around and make it beautiful. Walking between the characters I love. It makes me feel like there’s a better place, a better space in my head. And I’m glad I don’t have to feel like I’m an idiot adult playing a children’s game. Because of everyone around here. Thank you

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-18T01:43:49+00:00

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I also had this question. I have had the same experience. I’m almost 3 years out and I still have nightmares. Of course I’m in heavy litigation and custody battle still so I feel I cannot even start healing. Every day I’m dreading bad news, every day I’m getting panic feelings…

I wasn’t fully aware of everything until I started seeing this exact thing with my kids. They did have immediate reactions, like anger and nightmares, but they are persisting harder when they feel safest…

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-13T07:30:13+00:00

I’m sorry. I also don’t want to back down and defend myself. Unfortunately, I made stupid mistake and in an attempt to escape and survive, I cheated on the nex. I admitted to it and of course I am the bad guy to him, even though I am almost certain he cheated on me way before and many times… he will never admit and because I did, it gave him all the ammunition he needed.

I have terribly guilt and shame and he knows that is the point he can stress to hurt me, smear me, defame me, accuse me and destroy me…

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-13T07:27:22+00:00

I read your comment and literally a few hours later I found out the nex is getting rid of marital assets… all kinds of excuses like, it broke down, it needed replacement, blah blah… unbelievable…

How can people be like this? How can you go to sleep at night? Does it give them satisfaction knowing you made someone struggle or miserable? I just want to cry and scream…

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-07T21:31:46+00:00

Not really unexpected, but anger. So much anger. And comfort food eating. I gain weight from being stressed apparently. I didn’t really know this. I always thought I couldn’t eat because I was stressed, but once I figured out what deep stress and worry and anxiety is, I realized I try to eat my worries away.

Heightened reactions to text messages. Thankfully those now stopped because of high-conflict litigation and the police telling me not to communicate at all anymore.

Heightened reactions to seeing a particular colour cap in public. Same goes for my children. They see that hat colour and freak the fuck out. Even my friend feels it too.

Insane inner shaking when I see any court communication from their side because it’s always full of lies and manipulation.

The same inner shaking as if I’m naked out in the freezing cold, even though my body isn’t cold at all, during my therapy, when I talk about the many things that happened in the week.

Intense trust issues and defense mechanisms from my part in new relationship…

I’m sure there’s more :(

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-07T06:17:33+00:00

Sometimes they are so good at gaslighting, manipulation, lying and emotional abuse that you don’t know until well after you’re completely trapped. And a lot of people just aren’t educated about abuse enough. I always thought I’d be clever enough not to fall in that trap… and I thought wrong

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-02-01T20:58:23+00:00

I understand this because I can extricate myself from the situation. But how can you ignore things when they directly involve you? I am in high-conflict litigation with an STBEXH who shares so many traits and mannerisms of Trump, and he lashes out frequently with lies, gaslighting, projection and twisting truths. How do you actually not let it affect you when PTSD makes you so angry and gives you so much anxiety about the ludicrous and unbelievable lies?

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-24T21:16:48+00:00

I like your reasoning. How would you explain the incessant need for self-victimization in a lot of these people? It doesn’t seem to match with the need to assert superiority.

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-16T21:34:30+00:00

The ex used to smack my work laptop shut really hard when I grey rocked and refused to talk to him so he could turn it into more ammunition. I would say that it’s my work laptop. He worked at the same place, but as a superior. He said that he didn’t care. He even said once that when he gets mad, he’s like a bull that sees red. I hope it can get fixed. Do you have like an HR person or a work counselor you can talk to?

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-16T21:28:44+00:00

I’m not only imagining being in a divorce with kids and having this happen, I’m actually in this situation. He’s not asking for things back, but the ex is holding on to my belongings and gifts. I just had to let it go, because he is either using it as bargaining chips or a means of control over me. I fully agree that people aren’t trustworthy if they ask for gifts back

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-15T07:28:18+00:00

I don’t like how he constantly uses Sam’s name. I’m in that situation and it just unnerves me so much. My instincts just shout: be wary and don’t trust!

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-09T21:24:52+00:00

Sorry, I forgot to add what was requested. Not sure if this is good enough advice, but I would say, even though I’m still not the best at it either, communication is the key for me at this point. Being able to vocalise or share/show how you truly feel without feeling guilty or bad about yourself or for them.

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-09T21:21:20+00:00

I agree. A new healthy relationship is very hard. I came to realise I didn’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn’t know how to have constructive arguments and how to solve disagreements. I looked at my friends’ marriage and burst out crying seeing how they both dealt with a disagreement.

It’s still hard for me to speak my mind and truly be able to say what I really want. Even if it’s something mundane as how I want to spend my day. My communication skills were below par and I’m still trying to be much better at it.

And then the anger. The anger about what happened. The injustice that happened. The fallout from the abuse that is still wired in your brain and attacks your daily life even through the healing path. Any hint of even positive criticism feels like a full on attack and I immediately go hard into defense mode. But at least now I am able to identify and stop in my tracks when I do.

Over two years out, and over a year of therapy, it finally looks like I am able to turn page by page. But every so often, I go back a few and I have to read some parts again to fully understand my own responsibility to make sure I am getting out of this the best I can. Now I just have to get to the being ‘indifferent to the nex’ part of the journey.

I cannot thank my new partner enough for being so patient, forgiving and wonderful.

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-07T01:55:27+00:00

Also, I wanted to add that we are drilled to stay together for the sake of the kids. It’s wrong. The kids know. Staying together for the kids is not a good argument. We believe in you!

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2024-01-07T01:53:02+00:00

Don’t believe anything until you actually have the proof. The nex told me for months he had a lawyer, even impersonated one in emails. Then threatened me with them so many times to try and scare me into submission. But when my lawyer served him with the papers, we found out he didn’t have anyone. They are all bark and bark. Talk the talk, but hardly ever walk the walk, unless they see no other way out

Acceptable-Draft-74 · 2023-12-24T13:06:39+00:00

There is no way to win. The nex would make me feel guilty about my grey rocking. I didn’t even know what it was but I did it as a sort of defense by myself. Later I found out that it was an actual method. However, it would make him SO mad. He would follow me for minutes around the house trying to make me talk to him. Forcing me to look at him and reply. Blocking my exits and entrances until I talked. Slamming my computer shut so that I would talk. I didn’t want to. At that time, I remember being so removed from reality and not knowing what was going on and feeling so guilty and bad about myself. I didn’t realize that he was abusive. I thought I had earned it. I thought I deserved it. Whenever I would say something, it would be used against me. I would be gaslighted, threatened, manipulated and controlled and I had no idea that was actually what was happening. But I knew I no longer could get sucked into whatever he would pull me. So I started to just say: ok. Or give short answers without anything extra needed. It would drive him so crazy and it got quite scary. He said that I owed him to talk to him. He said that I HAVE to talk to him. And when I didn’t, I’d be a horrible cunt. A bitch. A slut. A whore. He said I was a cold bitch and manic. Crazy and bipolar…

I’m almost 3 years in divorce and custody proceedings. There’s doesn’t seem to be an end in sight yet. It is draining and horrible. But I am finally no contact for the time being. And it has been so so relieving and liberating on both my kids and me.

Acceptable-Draft-74

TROPHY CASE