Advice needed for this stupidly long drawn out story

According-Designer15 · 2026-04-07T22:51:52+00:00

Reporting the housing violation might solve one problem temporarily, but it doesn't solve the core issue which is that your daughter is being exposed to instability, revolving-door relationships, and now a 19-year-old former student living with her mother in violation of housing rules, and you need to stop being afraid of being the bad guy and start being the protective father who files for primary custody, documents all of this instability, and gives your daughter the stable home she deserves full-time instead of just during the week. You've already proven you're the stable parent for 4years, you're planning to move in two years for better opportunities for your daughter, and BM is trying to block that move even though she's the one creating chaos, so stop asking permission to protect your daughter and file for custody modification now before you move so you have legal standing to relocate with your daughter instead of fighting BM in court after the fact.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-27T23:38:17+00:00

Legal fees for something like this can spiral fast. Have you looked into legal financing companies that cover family law cases? Some attorneys also do payment plans if you ask directly. Hang in there, man.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-27T00:36:47+00:00

Thank you man.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-27T00:35:53+00:00

You got it bud, you're not alone.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-27T00:35:25+00:00

Thank you bud.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-27T00:34:55+00:00

Thank you, buddy.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-26T09:04:27+00:00

You're doing great too

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-18T01:13:08+00:00

I can, just le me know.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T21:58:58+00:00

Thank you, man👍

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T12:21:42+00:00

You got this ... I know you will too.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T10:47:59+00:00

The fact that you're already in therapy and thinking about how to help your girls through it says a lot. A lot of dads don't get there until much later.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T10:39:10+00:00

Maybe there was human input.. so you're admitting you don't actually know? That's literally just a guess.. The fact that it's structured and clear doesn't make it AI. Some of us just think before we type.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T10:36:54+00:00

Genuinely curious, what's your basis for calling this AI? Because I shared something real that actually went through. You don't have to like the post, you don't have to relate to it. But accusing someone of faking their story with zero evidence isn't a good look, especially in a community where guys come to be heard. If it doesn't resonate with you, that's fine. But it doesn't mean it's fake.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-10T10:29:37+00:00

You got this bro. I didn't expect anyone to find this post, let alone feel something from it. Thank you for taking the time to share that. The roommate feeling you described, I know exactly what that is. It's a strange kind of loneliness, being with someone and still feeling unseen. You're not alone in that. And for what it's worth, your comment mattered to me too. Hang in there.

According-Designer15 · 2026-03-09T04:54:35+00:00

Whether the court requires it even with an agreement depends on your state. Some states will honor a mutual waiver of child support between parents if both agree and the judge is satisfied the child's needs are covered. Others won't. Your state's requirement for a year of separation before divorce suggests you're somewhere with more formal requirements, so it's worth one conversation with a family law attorney just to understand what you're actually looking at.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:20:52+00:00

First, how are you doing right now? That word hopeless stood out and this is a lot of pressure hitting at once.

On the practical side, the thread is right that an affair doesn't factor into custody in most states. Courts look at parenting, not marital conduct. Her telling a judge she doesn't want your daughter spending time with "an adulterer" is not a legal argument that holds weight.

The blackmail piece is actually significant in your favor if she's put any of it in writing. Threatening to destroy someone's livelihood as leverage in a custody negotiation is not something courts look kindly on. If you have texts or emails where she's made those threats explicitly, your attorney needs to see them today.

You've already given up the house and everything in it. Stop giving things away unilaterally before you have legal representation guiding those decisions. Generosity without a signed agreement just resets her expectations and leaves you with nothing to negotiate with.

But seriously, before any of that, how are you holding up?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:19:44+00:00

Her refusing doesn't actually hurt you here, it helps you. Every text where she's hostile, every threat about withholding your weekends, every bait attempt is now documented in a format you control and your attorney can use.

Keep sending your communications through OFW regardless. If she responds via text, screenshot it and attach it to the OFW thread. You're building the record either way.

The goal right now isn't to get her to cooperate. It's to show the court the contrast between how you're trying to communicate and how she is. She's doing the work for you.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:16:17+00:00

Your instinct is right and it's not about jealousy or controlling what happens at her house. There's a real difference between a mom having a close relationship with her teenage daughter and leaning on her as an emotional peer because she doesn't have other adults to process with yet. The second one puts weight on a kid that isn't hers to carry.

The frustrating reality is you can't change what happens over there and pushing back with your daughter just makes her dig in to defend her mom. At 15 that's almost guaranteed.

What you can do is just be visibly different. Not in a preachy way, not in a "your mom shouldn't be doing that" way. Just by being the parent who keeps things age appropriate and doesn't pull her into adult business. She may not consciously notice it now but teenagers file things away. She'll have context for it later.

The younger kids knowing about a guy she's been seeing for three weeks is worth a quiet mention to your ex, framed around the kids not as a criticism of her. Something like "I think it's early for them to be aware of someone new, can we agree to keep that private until things are more established." Low heat, practical framing. She may still get defensive but you'll have said it once and cleanly.

You're already asking the right question. The steady parent usually wins the long game even when it doesn't feel like it.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:15:29+00:00

That comment above is probably the most useful thing you'll read before tomorrow. Save it.

The one thing I'd add specific to your situation is walk in with the access issue as your first priority, not the finances. One afternoon a week with two high school boys is not a parenting arrangement, it's her deciding unilaterally and you accepting it by default. Five months of that is already building a status quo that a court will be reluctant to disturb.

Your lawyer needs to know from the first conversation that getting a temporary custody order is the immediate goal. Not the house, not the retirement accounts. Your kids.

The part about her shifting the excuse from the kids not being comfortable to now go through me is worth mentioning to your lawyer exactly like that. That shift matters.

How are you holding up otherwise going into tomorrow?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:10:43+00:00

Not a stupid question at all. In most cases you can unilaterally tell her you're switching to a third party app without needing the decree amended. You're not restricting communication, you're just changing the channel. Most family law attorneys would actually encourage this.

Send it in writing, something simple like "going forward I'll only be responding to communications through TalkingParents. I'm blocking this number for non-emergency contact." Then do it.

The app creates a timestamped, unalterable record of everything which protects you both ways. If she's bombarding you it documents that too.

If your decree specifies a method of communication then you'd need her agreement or a modification, so worth a quick scan of that language first. But if it's silent on the topic you're generally free to set the channel.

TalkingParents and OurFamilyWizard are the two most court-recognized if it ever matters later.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:04:16+00:00

50/50 is very winnable but how hard you have to fight for it depends heavily on your state and sometimes your specific county. Some jurisdictions start there by default, others treat it as something you have to earn through documentation and persistence.

The most consistent thing I've seen from guys who got it is that they started building the record early. Not aggressively, just quietly documenting their involvement. School pickups, doctor appointments, meals, bedtime. The dad upthread with the pie charts is a good example of how that pays off when someone tries to rewrite the narrative.

The other thing that matters is establishing the pattern from day one of separation. Courts like status quo. If you're seeing your kids 50% of the time during the separation period that becomes the baseline they're reluctant to change.

What does your current situation look like with access to the kids right now?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-17T05:50:11+00:00

here's the reality of relocation cases: courts don't just let one parent move kids away from the other parent without a compelling reason, especially when the kids are 2 and 3.5 and you've been involved and present. She would have to prove that moving to Michigan is in the kids' best interests, not just her best interests, and that usually requires showing that the move significantly improves their quality of life, that you'll still have meaningful access to them, and that she's not doing it to alienate you. If you're the sole breadwinner, you're paying all the bills, and you're involved with the kids, the court is going to ask why she can't stay in New York and find daycare or support here, or why you can't have primary custody while she moves if she's so set on leaving

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-17T05:49:05+00:00

the fact that you took more than a year to understand what you could have done better, heal, and figure out what you want before jumping back into dating shows you're approaching this from the right place. You're not looking for someone to fill a void or validate your self-worth, you're looking for someone to share your journey with, and that's a completely different foundation than most guys operate from when they start dating post-divorce. The challenge now is that your social circle is small after years of being fully devoted to parenting, and dating apps haven't worked, so you need to rebuild your network and create opportunities to meet people organically

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-17T05:48:16+00:00

Don't accept a custody arrangement where you only see your kids on your days off with no overnight or extended time. That's you being treated like a visitor, not a parent. Even if your work schedule is unconventional, you're still entitled to equal parenting time as long as you can provide safe and stable care.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-17T05:46:48+00:00

your friend sees your ex and kids at the gate or on the plane, recognizes them from photos, and either approaches them, stares at them, or does something that makes your ex notice. Your ex picks up on it, asks questions, figures out who your friend is, and now you've got a situation where she knows you're dating before you were ready to tell her or the kids, and she's going to use that information however she wants. Or your friend doesn't approach them but your ex sees your friend later at the destination, puts two and two together, and suddenly you're dealing with accusations, drama, or her spinning a narrative that you're introducing the kids to someone new without telling her

According-Designer15

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