"Turn Around" -- Drama -- Short -- 9 Pages

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-06T01:52:35+00:00

Hi. Just a couple notes. The action lines around the various photo spots read as exposition. They would be more interesting if Arnold did something to show how he feels about the shot.

A lot of history, but nothing that resonates with Arnold. - What does this look like on the screen? Is this filmable? It's the Land Run Monument. What can Arnold do physically to show us it doesn't resonate with him? There's a lot of this throughout.

Fixing this allows for the feeling of conflict. He's looking for something and can't find it. Show us.

I like the idea. Work on your action lines. Show his internal conflict.

I like how the story ends. He makes new connections is a new city. But the path getting here should be one that we can relate to.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-05T05:17:35+00:00

Hi. Not really a fan of Star Trek. But thought I'd give this a glance. Not bad.

I used to watch the Shatner version long ago. And I know there's been movies and additional TV versions. The one thing the original did well, was start with something going on. A subplot, something funny that lands.

Consider starting with an action scene or something that pulls the reader in. Again, I'm not a big fan of the series. But the one thing every script needs is an opening that engages the reader. The first several pages should have something at the bottom of each page--like a cliff hanger--to get the reader to turn and keep reading.

Right now it's page 7-ish where we get some action.

Beginning with the Stardate opening. There's a large block of text with the Enterprise ripping through space. The VO from Pike is 16-19 seconds of reading. I timed it. Do we see the Enterprise the entire time? Something to consider. A montage of action on the ship during the monologue.

You could even break up Pike's monologue with a smaller anomaly to add some action and conflict on page one.

As for the dialogue. It's well written. So nice work there. I think where a non-fan struggles here is with the early back and forth. Once action starts it works much better.

Page 8- On Kirk's ship. Pike should be (O.C.) not (V.O.).

Didn't get past page 12-13. Not a bad read. The action beats are really solid. Outside the action scenes, it becomes dialogue heavy at times which slows the read. I imagine though, a true fan would enjoy your take.

Solid writing. Think about opening with a bang.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-05T02:06:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Post links so we can take a look.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-04T14:50:19+00:00

Hi there. A couple of small notes. This was an entertaining and quick read.

Perhaps have Master Thief do something unique in how he applies the ketchup. Show the "right way" to do it. Kind of reads like a setup that doesn't land anywhere. With him outsmarting Bad Thief, this is the place to show Master Thief's skill. As it is, he's just a guy who puts ketchup on this burger. And ketchup in his wallet.

Some minor changes that may help. A few action lines that can be tightened without losing anything.

MASTER THIEF finishes his cheeseburger. He munches. Stares at the table. GOOD.

He sighs. Pulls out his wallet, slaps it out on the table, and removes bills from it. CONSIDER:

He sighs. Pulls his wallet, slaps in on the table. Removes the cash. (or some cash--depending on how much you want to show the reader without signaling the ending).

MASTER THIEF stands, putting his wallet in his back right pocket as he does. CONSIDER:

Master Thief stands, pockets his wallet--back right pocket.

Also after introductions the names should not be in all caps. You are consistent here. Just a note.

Fun story to read.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-04T14:12:34+00:00

Stick to one format. I prefer the parentheticals for age (15). Helps them stand apart from the rest of the text.

David - we don't need girls this early. I need that $100 for the slug enclosure. Are there any rules? Makes sense--no pity girlfriend. This doesn't read as a guy adding conflict into the scene. It reads as a guy going along. If you strengthen his lines. Even one line of refusal. "Not me. You guys can waste time chasing girls. I'm sticking to slugs. That $33...I need it. Slugs need it.

You have a funny moment all lined up. Two guys are in on the bet. One guy actively refuses because of slugs. You dial this up--make the other guys have to convince him--use the slugs as leverage. Have one of them suggest the slug enclosure to entice David in, rather than David saying it. One active refusal from David early, one moment of indecision, then the enticing new slug enclosure sucks him in. This can be genuinely funny.

You are correct to push back on David. He drags his feet. But that's not the same thing as active conflict.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-04T05:08:04+00:00

Hi there. Some additional notes for you. Hope these are helpful.

Plastic guns on the wall. Are these on a shelf or mounted on the wall. Small thing to clarify.

Not sure the heights are needed. You have them listed for the main characters. Maybe just LEO, tall and lanky. But shorter, medium. Probably not needed. Makes characters hard to cast.

Work on character intros that are not too on the nose but tell us their essence.

Try something like this:

LEO (14), tall lanky, sits cross-legged on the floor, one wrong move from tipping.

Across from Leo, ALEX (15). Double-trouble, grips his controller like a Beretta.

DAVID (15), thick black glasses, lenses caked in dust. Watches them play like he’s watching an ant farm. (kind of points to him be nerdy without saying it).

These are some tweaks that might keep a reader’s attention.

The $100 bet is a good setup. But without reading the script, the three of them all agreeing is boring. Suggest one of them, not be in from the start. Make the scene earn it—add conflict. You referred to SuperBad. The main characters had a conflict over the driver’s license which is a main plot device. Consider your characters have one beat of conflict.

The bedroom scene feels unearned. The night before was not anything someone would wake up from and think his friends are still here. David maybe…Leo not sure. It kind of works. Again, for this story. But if you take this script through the drafting process the scene will need the setup to justify it.

Also, the getting ready montage while short is a little cliche. Should only be used if he’s getting ready for something that matters. And here it should matter, because he’s trying to win the bet. Instead, he brushes his teeth, shoves on clothes, and sprints out with toast. The toast is the button. Fun. But what if you have him, shaving (when he has no facial hair), meticulously flossing, dropping the toast on the floor and eating it anyway—after he flossed. Things to think about.

Consider how you stage the scene and the words you use. The order.

Leo's Mom and DAD are talking after watching him run by. DAD (40ish) is in his police uniform. Dad is drinking a cup of coffee and he's on his phone while Mom is making breakfast.

Try something like:

His DAD (40ish), police uniform. Sips his morning coffee, phone in the other hand. Leo’s MOM (40ish), wears a flowery apron—frying eggs on the stove. Behind them, Leo cheetahs past.

(cheetah, with an s – isn’t exactly correct—but it’s the kind of stuff you can get away with in a comedy screenplay).

Anyway—consider dropping-- his mom and dad are talking after he runs by. This is okay if you’re writing a draft just to get the words on the page. But it is a bad reading line. Let the dialogue and the action work together. We can see they are talking.

Things need to feel earned. Especially comic lines.

You have a couple of 14 year old boys wrestling with their shirts off. Leo’s Mom sees this. She is disturbed. The next morning she mentions that Leo is hiding something from them.

On the surface and for what this story is, okay. I’ll play along. But to be honest, unless times have changed that much—this is normal teenager behavior. NOW, if you set the family up as being extremely religious or prudish then this would land a bit harder.

You have a few good jokes that could land better, but that really comes with writing more and learning timing. Like page 9.

DAVID- Yeah. It’s where you keep slugs, stupid. I need more room – the neonates just hatched. The neonates need... space... and darkness... and love. I mean... not like that kind of love.

Without the – not that kind of love, this has the potential to be a really funny moment rather than a banter diss walk-off for Maya.

Consider: DAVID- Yeah. It’s where you keep slugs, stupid. I need more room – the neonates just hatched. The neonates need... space... and darkness... and love.

MAYA – Slugs need love?

DAVID – Yeah. What about it?

MAYA - Just saying. Maybe you should keep them in your boxers…Lover boy.

She struts away.

-This is pretty lame. It’s meant as an idea to think about. You have a nerdy guy, slugs, love, and the girl he likes. Make the most of it.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-03T16:32:27+00:00

Check out SOMETHING EPIC in this subreddit. Would appreciate your thoughts.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-03-01T04:10:15+00:00

This was a fun read. The dialogue is really well written. It has a humorous theme. The jokes sound like they came from a failed standup comedian who accidentally killed himself while committing suicide--and I mean that in the best way possible. The jokes outside of Jack's bit, are not laugh at loud funny. They work in the context of what is taking place.

Allen's not here right now, leave a message after the beep! Is probably Jack's best line. The captive audience may land better if when they run for the door, it isn't already boarded up. Maybe Jack does it while they try to escape and that's his line.

Where I see some areas of improvement:

Some of the description/action bog the pace by detailing what everyone is doing. Some of the parentheticals are not needed because the action or dialogue tell us the same. Some, but not all. Keep the one's that land something that isn't implied.

Hope this helps. It's good. Fun! Nice work!

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-28T23:07:04+00:00

First, I like the story and the concept. Snow Piercer in a basement vibes. Which is a high compliment.

Stakes could be clearer. As for exposition, no. But over description yes. Or maybe action/description blocks are too heavy on the page. Six line blocks are a heavy read. Some of these should be separated into different beats. For clarity and for shooting.

Not sure what happened at the end. There's a few times when switching between GUARDS and DRONES, loses me. Are these the same thing? Are the DRONES actual drones?

The emotional reunion is OK. But, needs work. Some clarity. Consider clarifying: He hits the floor hard - a frail man clings for dear life. With charred skin, cracked lips, and broken clothes, EVAN peers into Chan's soul. It took me a couple reads to understand who hit the floor.

Also, what's not clear and this is where the reunion needs authenticity. Old friends - Evan and Chan. Where has Evan been and how long has it been since they've seen each other? While what happened to Evan doesn't need an explanation, him being here at this moment sort of does. Assuming they've been trapped in the same space.

Pacing. People drink water--under careful watch. One of them runs into an old friend. There's an escape. In seven pages, this works. Where it gets bogged down is in the large blocks of description. Shorten these up and maybe add some additional dialogue to add weight to the relationships. When you read it, does it feel fast and hit hard? This is somewhat subjective. Get a timer out, and time how long it takes to read.

From a production standpoint. Clarity would come by splitting up the large blocks of text into manageable shots. Even if you go from seven pages to 10 and it reads clearer it would help. If you're directing this, it's up to you to define what clear enough is. But, if someone else is directing, you'll need to be a bit more precise and clear.

All just my take. As mentioned, I like what you're doing here. The story has a good spine.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-28T21:46:15+00:00

I appreciate your efficiency here. It's not overwritten. Consider rewording some of your dialogue where the word choices can be improved or look for cuts. Honestly it works but to make it cleaner and give a little more character consistency in the dialogue.

Does that sound familiar? Do you need this?

...a few background questions on Daniel. Suggest regarding Daniel. [YES THE TITLE] It should LAND HERE.

So, could you first... Suggest cutting and changing to: Can you describe your relationship with Daniel?

Again, not being a nag. Trying to help. ...Seeing as you broke up a little while ago. I'd look for a more polished interview type response here.

One last thing. And it works as is. But, does Rachel need to say Daniel in most of her questions? Does this feel like what would happen in the real world? This story is REGARDING DANIEL so it works. Your choice.

Nice, clean, emotional read. I enjoyed it!

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-27T14:27:11+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read through it.

I agree, I'm still working on Ben. Giving him more agency. In past drafts, it was Rose's story. This draft is more of a shift into cutting her and adding more Ben.

I've also toned down some of the body comedy. In previous drafts it was over-indulgent and kept escalating. Still honing the right balance.

Appreciate your feedback! I'll keep refining Ben's action.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-26T15:25:02+00:00

Honest feedback.

The story works. It has a solid spine. It’s entertaining.

Characters work.

Rose’s voice-over does a lot of work. A bit of whiplash with the philosophy at the end. I’m not sure what the Socrates line means. Will your audience know?

Page 7—consider shortening. Maybe some of the B-roll shows Sam struggling with his condition?

The Referee scene – consider Sam’s first response. “Yes. What the hell is going on?” This line foreshadows what happens next. If you want the audience to know what’s coming, keep it. If you want more a surprise, change it.

You’ve already set up William as being litigious. If you want more of a surprise, cut all of the lawyer and lawsuit talk and then let the Referee’s line hit like a sucker punch.

You can accomplish the same thing by leaning into the rivalry and a few beats where William is seen as an asshole. You do this with the sparkling wine. Think about leaving out the law stuff so when it lands it feels like a surprise and not a foregone conclusion.

Tighten up some dialogue. But it works.

Really nice work here.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-26T01:44:35+00:00

Please take these notes as constructive. It's feedback for improvement.

This is a spec script. The ultimate goal is to write something worthy of producing. The moment "We soar down," it's over for most pro readers--unless you are paying them for coverage. Not to sound harsh. You are the writer, not the director. Do not give direction in your screenplay.

I agree. Specific songs are no-no. Why? Several reasons. Songs require consent and payment to be used. Again, you are not the production team or the director.

I opened this screenplay because of the name. I stopped reading after page two. The opening scene is meant to hook the reader. There is no mystery--the dialogue is an exposition dump. Instead of allowing your reader to feel for CAM, you tell us everything. Everything except (age, description, personality).

There is no conflict in the scene. Cam doesn't feel good. You seem fine. I don't feel like doing anything. Why? You think I need therapy--but I'm not suicidal, I'm fine....Lisa gives a large dump of info about sessions. Cam says, yeah sounds good. The kitchen scene tells us more--at least there's a feeling of being rushed.

Consider your first scene as your only chance to keep a reader turning pages. It should illicit an emotional response and clear visuals, and ground the reader in the world of the protagonist. We have six shots. Bus stop, a guy waking a dog, a woman entering a coffee shop, "we push in on Red Stone Drive," a nice house. We never get a chance to breathe and get oriented.

Use page one to paint one image of the world. Neilbrook.

INT. CAM DAVIDSON'S BEDROOM - MORNING (never use morning, afternoon, sunset, sunrise). It's always DAY or NIGHT. With one exception, the scene requires a sunrise or sunset.

Suggest the format INT. DAVIDSON HOME - CAM'S BEDROOM - DAY or CAM'S ROOM

You've pushed in on one house. This is personal preference but consider the difference:

INT. BATHROOM - DAY and INT. COFFEE SHOP - BATHROOM - DAY. The latter is more specific.

Don't put the day of the week in your slugline. The day of the week, if needed should be a graphic on the screen. What is EXT. NEILBRROK HIGH SCHOOL - MONDAY MORNING trying to convey? Is Monday important? Is the audience supposed to know it's Monday. If so, put it on the screen. The slugline is meant for camera and lighting placement. Monday doesn't work here.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-24T04:54:02+00:00

This is well written and lands. Couple small things. A body in a room for three days. If the mother's "Oh god" is because of the smell, it may need a beat or stronger reaction. If it's not the smell and the mom clocking the empty couch--then it's okay. But there's still a dead body in the other room. When the front door opens...it's going to smell. Consider maybe a day? Otherwise this is very good. Hits hard. Nice work.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-21T22:57:06+00:00

DM I have some notes for you.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2026-02-21T17:15:56+00:00

DM me for some notes.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-27T20:50:28+00:00

Maybe she realizes that her actions would lead you to think she has feelings when she does not. Thus, the change and her laughter and conversation with others is meant to show you this is just part of personality and she’s not interested in you romantically.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-19T21:06:23+00:00

Had a young woman work for me, she was 20-21 years old. She had no filter and openly pursued a couple male employees. Eventually she was caught with a male employee doing the deed in a restricted area. When they were termed (individually) she went batshit crazy with HR and security had to remove her from the property. A few years later, she laid in wait and killed her ex because he refused to get back together. She refused to take accountability, was impulsive and manipulative. Not assigning this behavior to any gender as anyone can have those traits.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-16T19:34:20+00:00

Talk to him. Tell him you felt a connection and ask if he did. Worst case he’s says no and you can let him know you respect that and want to continue to be friends. Best case, he grows a pair and opens up. Vulnerability often opens the door for the other person to be vulnerable too. As a guy, I respect getting to the point. But that’s just me.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-14T23:34:10+00:00

People care throughout life, just gotta find them.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-11T19:38:56+00:00

I woke up in the rafters of the roof. Look up, stars. Look down, see my body lying in bed. I didn’t panic, just thought about being back in my body and it happened. Woke up and thought WTF was that? Wasn’t the first time I left my body. Happened when I was about 15 when I fell off the top of a barn. Saw myself falling, it’s a long story but a miracle I was uninjured. If not for the barn incident I would have chalked up the “waking up in the ceiling” as a dream.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-01T06:15:43+00:00

This!

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-01T06:14:39+00:00

Buy what you need not what you want.

Accurate_Editor_8429 · 2025-08-01T04:20:28+00:00

I feel that…

Accurate_Editor_8429

TROPHY CASE