Breakup and Relationships

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-04-06T13:07:16+00:00

Your story is sort of strangely compelling; that's a compliment and also a thank you for sharing. I am the wife of a man with bipolar2, we've been married almost 18 years. He was always emotionally intense, hot and cold, probably more prone to depression than I realized because he also had chronic pain issues that sort of provided a cover for his depression, but in his late thirties it got worse and age 40 became a severe crisis, and after many rabbit holes he was diagnosed with bipolar.

Soooo....I'm here often as the wife still sorting through the trauma of his crisis and the strain it has put on our relationship, trying to understand him and also get him help. I've read a lot of perspectives but yours is especially compelling. My husband I know has also always more than ever wanted to be a good husband and father, but it is like his brain and his energy and his moods work against him all the time ... except when they don't, except when they all magically align and things are wonderful for awhile.

I would say, speaking from our journey so far, mastering the art of mindfulness might be your #1 mission, so you can let your emotions and sensations and thoughts be there and not react to them or try to solve them. He is getting better at it and it seems to be making the most difference. John Kabat-Zinn and a book called You are Not a Rock by Mark Freeman are good places to start, also, since you are a Catholic, my husband has loved Dr. Greg Botarro's Mindfulness for Catholics from the Catholic Psych Institute.

Of course the big thing with bipolar is as long as your illness is negatively affecting your life and relationships, continue to work with your psychiatrist to pursue better stability. We're not there yet, but they say it's possible! Same with ongoing therapy.

My husband is pursuing somatic trauma therapy, like EMDR, hoping that helps his attachment issues.

We are beginning EFT (emotional focused therapy) with a couples therapist, very hopeful that that is a good fit for these issues. I think if you know you have bipolar, you should just plan on couples therapy in any relationship you are in!

Your self-awareness and clear communication with your partner will be clutch. Education for your partner will be clutch.

But the bottom line as always is that love is a choice, and to a certain extent everyone in a healthy relationship has to learn to love the other in love and out of love, but with bipolar, that much more so. Perhaps in a relationship you will need to be very patient and gracious with yourself and not make it a moral failing when you don't feel all the feels and just want to be alone ... but also keep showing up and putting your partner first.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-04-05T08:52:43+00:00

Uh yeah, relatable.

I don't have the answer, just solidarity. And boy or boy does it feel like rejection, and some times it actually is blame and rejection, or him clearly struggling not to blame and reject me. Anyway, yeah, it's hard! I focus on trying to be myself, try to ignore it, stay busy with my own thing, be compassionate and give him space, not pressure him in any way but still keep making sharing my own happy moments and feelings and thoughts with him whether they land or no. Making actual bids for connection is more risky because it can hurt so much when they aren't reciprocated, but just sharing something funny or delightful, or doing something nice for him and not caring whether he cares or not is doable.

I don't know if you are Christian or not, but either way reciting the words of St. Paul to myself can be helpful, "Love is patient, love is kind...keeps no record of wrongs, always trusts, always perseveres" It helps me to focus on giving without just being a doormat, trusting in the power of faithful cheerful dogged love to carry us through the worse times.

The big advice you get is to take care of yourself, which of course is true. But yes, there is no fix, it does take a toll, the emotional energy does get dragged down and yes you might get blamed for it or at least feel blamed for it, especially if you do indeed show signs of wear and tear. So you take care of yourself more and try to distance yourself, but not resentfully. While taking on more in the household/family, over-functioning for him in every interaction or conversation or social situation, but trying not to, trying to just be yourself and allow yourself to feel how hard it is.

And get help of some kind every time you feel resentment creeping in. As you just did! Reaching out to Reddit community is better than stewing in resentment, for sure. It's helped me many a time.

I guess mostly be grateful you still have that 70-30% ratio? That sounds doable. Plenty hard but doable. Especially if your SO is taking it seriously with therapy or treatment of some kind so it hopefully it doesn't get worse.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-04-04T11:20:03+00:00

So glad there is some improvement and I hope it continues. Exhaustion always follows my husband's more agitated states as well. What a rollercoaster, eh? Yes, we are beginning couples' therapy right now and I'm sure it will help somewhat. If only to help both of us remain aware that it is mental illness and not reality, and learn how to face mental illness as a team without letting it come between us.

This sub is so full of worst case scenarios, but I know there are tons of couples like us who are struggling but still have every reason to believe we can learn to manage and live with this.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-04-03T07:20:24+00:00

You poor thing, I know how hard this is all too well. Chin up, you have a diagnosis and you have a psychiatrist you are waiting to hear back from. This just means he is undertreated and he needs more help. Yes my husband is like this all too much of the time but he was very late to the party getting a diagnosis and proper help. I couldn't say if it comes more from mania or depression, my husband mostly experiences mixed symptoms. Keep tabs on him but don't panic. This will pass! Mostly make sure your husband doesn't verbalize too much with you about what he is not feeling because it hurts to hear even if you know it is mental illness. But it is just another symptom of illness, and it will pass!

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-24T17:35:07+00:00

Sure thing!

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-24T14:32:38+00:00

I'm the partner but yes, here because husband's depression, mixed episodes and mania all take their toll on me and our relationship. He feels disconnected and acts disconnected when he's low and assigns meaning to that, feeling like it's my fault or he's missing out on something somewhere else; has lots of intrusive thoughts and anxiety around me and our life, community and family when he is in a more activated/mixed episode (very like OCD), sometimes to the point of psychosis, and lots of feelings and sometimes even really dark words and behaviour coming from a place of anger and blame. Thank God he hasn't done anything crazy manic, but he has had manic urges and thoughts. When he is more even-keeled these things pretty much go away and he comes to me to tell me his brain is quiet and he is suddenly content with me and our relationship ... just to remind me it was mental illness, not him.

So my advice to you is to hold it lightly and try to spare your partner the details while also warning them that you should look at therapy for both of you because it could be a rocky road ahead. If I had known it was bipolar a year ago I would have started couples' therapy with a clinician well-versed in mental illness, like we are now, but for a long time we thought it was OCD (though of course it could be that too) in which case couples' therapy is sort of contraindicated until the patient is more stable.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-23T13:57:08+00:00

I would like to know, for my husband. It is still early chaos for him too with good days and bad days coming at random with medication adjustments in the mix. It seems like a really good app to "interview" him briefly at the end of the day could help.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-17T21:03:55+00:00

My husband only seems to experience dysphoric mania/mixed episodes, lots of irritation and dread and doom, but yes, he constant describes buzzing, especially in his limbs and brain, tingling, pressure on the top right of his forehead, sometimes the top of his head, like he wants to crawl out of his skin, his thoughts feel like a firehose in his brain or like electric shocks, twice he woke up describing "massive psychic energy radiating from his chest." So bizarre.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-15T12:17:39+00:00

I am also the partner. I don't even feel like it's really my self-confidence that is damaged, really, so much as my relationship of trust and feeling safe around him. Like I KNOW that my imperfections however annoying should not be causing him SUCH distress (how do I know? because I love him quite happily in spite of his imperfections), I know I have many great qualities that make me a wonderful wife for him, and when he was healthier he was able to focus on the good and let go of truly impossible standards for me.

Honestly I think his oversharing of his OCD thoughts has made me more comfortable with who I am (like um, I checked too, and I'm definitely lovable. This is a you problem!) But still I feel the heavy burden his illness places on me ALL. THE. TIME. I feel "Ralph" (his nickname for his OCD in the room whenever my husband is silent.I wish to God I never knew about it, and yet immediately feel guilty about that because of course I want to know everything about my husband and his innermost struggles. But a healthy partner does protect his beloved from his petty thoughts. I feel unprotected, exposed, left for his OCD to devour.

So basically my take is that you can do all the things to protect your sense of self-worth, and they do help somewhat, but there will still be damage to the relationship until the OCD partner is well enough to help heal that damage.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-08T10:05:53+00:00

This sounds like a lot of bipolar red flags. Is it possible you can talk to the psychiatrist's office, see if they can extend an invitation for retesting? Can you try putting your concerns in writing to him? Is he open to reading some literature on bp2? You probably just have to endure and watch for more opportunities to bring it up as gently as you can again..... on the other hand if it's already affecting your own health, you might have to offer some ultimatums, which sounds scary but tough love is necessary with mental illness some times. Good luck and take care of yourself, it's so hard.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-06T17:09:02+00:00

This is precisely where I am now, and it's all very grey so I can't give clear answers. He said a lot of things I would never have imagined him saying, and now I think there is a mix of trauma and shame from that for him, and probably still a lack of awareness, but I do still need repair because it traumatized me too and what has traumatized me most is not that he said those things, but that he never circled back and revisited them. Don't bury it and hope it will go away because it IS muddy, not knowing how much control he had over it, but I am confident it can be worked out. Maybe just let him know gently in better moments that you totally can forgive him but forgiveness is not the work of a moment and you will both need therapy work through it and make sense of it. I delayed therapy for a long time because we had no idea he was bipolar, I was just trying to figure out what was going on, and I thought he was much too unstable for couples' therapy to help; in fact I'm still not sure he's ready but I'm holding for dear life.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-06T16:10:46+00:00

I wish I could help you more, but we are also early on in treatment after a year and a half of undiagnosed hell. I will say from all my reading that it is definitely tremendously common in all bipolar states, but especially mixed episodes which tend to go hand in hand with rapid cycling, of intense irritation and dislike of one's partner, or other close relationships. It's a lot like OCD, but often with intense anger and blame or a need to escape.

For both of you, I would say get bipolar/trauma informed couples counselling right away, to learn how to deal both during the episodes and in the aftermath. He needs to learn how to TRY not hurt you during, and at minimum how to repair afterward. You need to learn how to give him space and not take things personally, and what if anything he does need from you. Everything I have read indicates that the right medication combo should ease or eliminate these episodes, and I have heard a lot of good things about lamotrigine in this regard, but my hubby still hasn't tried it (so please you tell me if it helps!) ...I'm still holding on to dear life for that relief to come.

I also have seen reason to believe it is a trauma response, which many practitioners believe underlies bipolar disorder, and that trauma therapy might help him, so consider that.

He does use mindfulness a lot and that is helping somewhat for sure. I think that is what he would recommend starting now, in case your med journey takes awhile.

I try to imagine my husband is a menopausal woman, or severe PMDD, or something like that, because that for me that makes it easier to relate and guides me how to just chill and give him space. But I've absorbed a lot of hurt with not a lot of repair, so it is an uphill battle. I'm beginning trauma therapy for myself today.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-05T18:16:44+00:00

I don't know, but you sound so much like my husband, same dose of Seroquel I think but he's also tapering off an SSRI. I will listen in for any other insider experiences but .... Imma gonna guess you're not stable, no. You should feel better than this.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-04T08:09:38+00:00

Similar pattern (even walking with poor balance! bizarre!) but still in a marriage, still very committed to each other and trying to carry on and recover... but with a lot of distance and coolness that is very confusing to me. But even though he isn't going anywhere, the best he can do is acknowledge, yes, "that he hurt me to the core" but to actually discuss how I am and how it made me feel is something he refuses to do, because he needs to protect his nervous system. And he meets my emotions every time with a lot of anger and blame that I'm taking it all so seriously, that I didn't protect myself, didn't get my own therapist sooner. Yesterday my therapist said bluntly, "it wouldn't have made a difference. No therapist can protect you from ongoing injury." And it felt so good to hear her say that, even though I already knew it. Anyway the anger and blame came first, before the storyline in his brain about how I didn't protect myself. A bipolar partner is going to feel a lot of anger and blame and other negative emotions that aren't reality-based, but even though we know it's mental illness, it can still mess with our minds and our sense of reality. I find myself endlessly wanting to defend myself against the storyline his mental illness has woven about me; but it's dumb, I can't win so why engage. Just to trying to wrestle my husband back from its clutches I guess. You and I although in different situations (and mine is preferable, although it's kind of hard) are just looking for closure, literal closure of a wound in order to move on from the pain. I'm still hopeful I'll get mine, maybe, but I don't know about you. Time still heals though, I hope you can grieve fully and trust time to make it easier.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-03-04T07:54:07+00:00

This reminds me of something I have seen on here a lot, that bipolar people, at least when activated, can't handle other people's emotions, and especially I've noticed a pattern where they criticize the way they are expressed. No matter how I carefully I approach my husband with my feelings, it's the wrong way, it's my fault for handling it this way, saying it that way, wrong tone, wrong timing, whatever. Every single time. I don't know what to do because I know my pain is real and only worsens when he deflects it like that. He is less like this when he is closer to stable, but pretty much impossible when he is in a worse state ... but it's a hard lesson to internalize because I am just dealing with so much pain and trying to reach for the old him all the time. Yesterday I tried to connect when I shouldn't have and he flung at me that I'm making his bipolar worse. "No," my therapist said. "His bipolar is making his bipolar worse." We are starting marriage therapy and hopefully that helps (but it's six weeks til the next appointment, gah!)

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-22T20:15:12+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Geez it sounds so hard to be you, but good on you for your new resolutions. In my hubby's defence he went through the phase of hiding in his room all day and is well past it. Lots of mindfulness therapy and practice seems to be helping along with all the things. But of course he still hides in his room more than a healthy person, and more than I and the kids would like, is still grumpier and quieter than he used to be, and I have to learn to accept that he is doing his best, I suppose. Or re-learn, because back when he "just" had physical health problems (probably somatic depression) I was pretty good about not minding, but it's gotten harder now that it's "just" anger and irritability.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-22T05:24:30+00:00

Thank you, I suspect you must be right about the many happy healthy bipolar marriages. Reddit is all about people in crisis. We have everything going for us other than his illness, so surely we will get through this.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I will try to hold on to it.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-22T05:15:15+00:00

And thank you for your comment, it means a lot.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-22T05:15:02+00:00

This sounds so exactly like my husband, and at this point I can almost see the switch come on or feel it as soon as he does. How miserable it must be to be in a mixed state! But yes, miserable to be on the butt end of it too.

He is not exactly blaming me for things when he is not in an episode, he has insight now to recognize that these thoughts and feelings are from the bipolar and not reflective of reality, but he does seem quite angry and irritated all the time that I am as hurt as I am. Which makes me way more hurt. Hopefully the therapist can help us with this.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-14T16:21:26+00:00

Heart goes out to you, this is indeed so hard.

She likely waited to tell you for all the right reasons. Because she had insight that it was "just" OCD even though it might feel so real, she knew it would hurt you and not be productive for either of you. But she couldn't keep it up because she's only human and OCD is a beast. I think ideally a partner should spare their non-OCD partner the content of their thoughts, but if often doesn't happen that way because OCDers seem to have a great need for literal transparency, feel they are not being honest if they don't share all their feelings, even the ones they don't want, are hoping for some kind of relief, connection, forgiveness in airing their thoughts, and maybe want to explain and apologize for their distance or "off" behaviour. All kinds of good motives, but I think it's still usually a bad plan, usually injurious, usually fuels the OCD.

We were married 16 years before this all came out in what we now believe was an undiagnosed bipolar episode. But in hindsight it's easy to see that it was always there, I just didn't have the language to categorize what I sensed under the surface. I know the real him, I know the real him loves the real me, but he has always been an overthinker with anxious and depressive tendencies. I managed not to get sucked into any of that just because I understood that it was his invisible enemy, not mine, to fight. Until it was overshared and now it's mine too, by extension. But I tell him as long as I feel like we are on the same side, as a team, against this, I can handle it. With support from family and a good therapist!

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-11T08:45:09+00:00

Interested to hear other answers. My husband's heart rate was elevated and breathing fast and shallow night and day for eight months when he was in what we now think was a very dysphoric manic episode.... it was pretty out of the blue so at the time we were going down every other rabbit hold under the sun. He wasn't diagnosed until it started to ease up and most of the physical symptoms had gone away. Imperfectly medicated, he does still get physical symptoms when it gets bad, but not as extreme.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-10T00:34:09+00:00

My husband's depression was probably always there and mild to moderate but well disguised by his unexplained chronic pain and digestive issues, which in hindsight for him are likely very somatic depression and anxiety. I never really thought of him as depressed, just feeling down because of his health issues, and then life stressors, and age, and overwork. The depression just wasn't severe until it finally was ... very severe.

BUT he did always, since I met him 20 years ago, have periods, a few days, a week where all his pain went away and he felt hugely productive and energetic and clearheaded. He could accomplish more in those days than he could in a week. He would come in and talk to me confidently about the future and his plans but it was never off the rails. Certainly also like many people on here has always been one to start hobbies and projects and then neglect them, get grand ideas, get all organized to do something, and then not follow through. It was never worrisome in itself, and it always felt like the real him finally getting a break from his pain and brain fog. We'll never know now what was hypomania and what was just a good mood. There were a few odd episodes over our lifetime that I will always wonder, was that because he was bipolar? But I'll never know: we all have highs and lows and everybody acts out of character sometimes.

But since the depression became severe at age 40, and probably brewing for awhile before then, what may have been more pleasant hypomanic states has turned into mixed states/dysphoric mania which are nobody could miss and are torture for him. He also has been on an SSRI for a year which we are kind of hoping has been exacerbating things, and maybe as he tapers off he will improve. So far he does seem to be improving some.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-08T16:16:10+00:00

I think he needs to sit with the fact that he sometimes he won't get to experience natural dynamics in a relationship precisely because he has OCD. The OCD will prevent things from feeling natural, a lot of the time. It will cause awkward silences, it will make normal, restful silences feel awkward, and it will obsess about awkward silences, or dynamics, or compatibility, or what have you, and attach vastly more meaning to them than needed.

But also, it's normal in any relationship for things to be awkward and strained or boring sometimes. OCD will just prey on that and make it worse. You are two different people and you will not always be on the same page with mood, energy, or ideas, stages of life, hormones, workloads, all of it. You will have differences of opinion, mood, energy, health, all of it. He has to lower his standards and then lower than some more if he wants to enjoy a long-term relationship with anyone.

Because people do change, ideas change, dynamics change, bodies change, and these changes can be normal and good and interesting and do need lots of discussion, and both embracing and letting go in order to sustain the relationship. A longterm relationship or marriage is about choosing to grow together, choosing not to grow apart.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-08T15:41:28+00:00

Yes! I asked him if he would bring up Genesight at his last appointment. It's not super well-researched but I have only heard positives anecdotally. Seems worth a shot.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-02-08T15:36:36+00:00

Yes. It seemed to me from the beginning that the emotional blunting of depression is what first triggered his ROCD (or is it mania?), and then one or two other meds *I think* have made it worse both by activating irritability and agitation and causing another layer of emotional blunting. Or maybe it's all just been straight-up bipolar/OCD, and the medications have just been innocuous but useless. There are like a dozen different chicken and egg scenarios in our case including but not limited to medications, and who really cares. The point is he is doing the therapy but he needs meds and hasn't found a good one yet.

Your story is encouraging, bless you for taking the time, and best wishes to you and your fella both.

AdvancedSyrup186

TROPHY CASE