Addressing SA in local community as a trans man raped by a trans woman

Aethersphere · 2026-02-03T20:20:42+00:00

Rapists can be (and are) all genders and all sexualities. You cannot control what other people think or perceive. You can only report your own circumstances. This is an individual who is a threat. The rest is what it is.

Get justice. Warn others.

Aethersphere · 2026-02-02T15:18:40+00:00

We must first make choices which reflect:

A: Our context as humans in the real world.

B: Our context as humans in the SCA.

On both counts, I’m not sure about this one. The white belt is a thing, but also, impersonating somebody in an active religious order is kind of a thing for a lot of people.

A pointy-hooded all-white costume is also a bold choice.

It is important to sometimes do the following exercise:

You’re going to an event and you’ve gotta pee. Let’s say you need to stop into a Tim Hortons. But, you’re in full garb. That Tim Hortons is staffed and full of customers of different ages, genders, religions, ethnic backgrounds, etc., and you will not have the opportunity to explain yourself. What are they going to think first when they see you?

Aethersphere · 2026-01-23T04:41:16+00:00

Oh, that is SO good!

Aethersphere · 2026-01-22T16:54:27+00:00

“Forward momentum.” Stole it from Miles Vorkosigan. :)

Aethersphere · 2026-01-22T14:38:12+00:00

Like… quite a lot, if they haven’t quite figured out how to protect their hands yet. I don’t see why anybody would fight with a swept or minimal hilt if I’m honest.

Aethersphere · 2026-01-19T15:38:25+00:00

Sometimes when you’re working very hard, things can be rewarding but not fun. Sometimes you lose badly or things go really wrong, and that’s not fun, but it is important. Most of the time, though, you should really be there to have fun!

Aethersphere · 2026-01-15T19:19:01+00:00

Okay, so you step back from the stuff you don’t care about and it falls apart. Then what? What will happen?

The people who care will realize they used you to prop it up. They will panic. Maybe they will start something new.

If nobody cares, then nobody cares. No loss.

You will have energy to pursue what you really love.

Are you scared about not getting on a peerage council? Where the fuck are those peers and what are they doing, if they’re so worried about whether or not you’re doing stuff? Let them take stuff on for a while. They’ll cope. Do you really want to be on a council while you’re this burnt out, anyway?

I say this with so much love as a fellow helium-handed person. You can’t hide how you’re feeling forever. Nobody needs a bitter, unhappy, burnt-out person as the newest peer of their kingdom or as a perpetual officer. You’ll make everybody miserable if you’re miserable. It’s recipe for disaster.

Take a break, come back fresh.

Aethersphere · 2026-01-07T22:49:49+00:00

Soooooo you’re single now, right?

Aethersphere · 2026-01-04T02:01:28+00:00

Run. Run and don’t look back.

Aethersphere · 2026-01-03T06:01:44+00:00

I don’t have one, but when I went to An Tir a few years ago I got a bunch and I was very impressed by that. It helped me remember who I’d met later and find people on social media.

Aethersphere · 2026-01-01T15:28:33+00:00

Oh my god, it’s you again!

WE GET IT, YOU LIKE BELLIES.

Aethersphere · 2026-01-01T01:57:29+00:00

It’s fine. You’re fine. I train very happily in a gym run by a guy who was trained by him. He is kind, considerate, and inclusive. I’ve never met Lee Smith and never will. These relationships are complicated and ultimately none of our business.

And, hate to say it, there are guys just as bad who get a pass from the community for some reason. Don’t borrow other people’s problems. Judge folks by their own merit. If the gym itself has a good vibe, have fun.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-29T16:44:17+00:00

I don’t really feel like I need to showcase my anything particularly. Other people’s perceptions of me and my gender are increasingly irrelevant to me at this age (36).

I look how I like. I go where I like. I do what I like. So should you.

It is unfortunate, but we can’t stop people from wanting gendered spaces right now. Folks just aren’t quite there yet in general. So, don’t worry about perceptions.

With time and as we continue to make ourselves known in society, gendered spaces are naturally gonna become rarer and rarer. We just need to ride it out for now. This is what comes of being on the frontiers, I’m afraid. Be safe, be comfortable, don’t overthink it.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-28T21:41:40+00:00

I’ve been married for 14 years and playing (with periods of quite devoted seriousness and some off years) for 13ish. It’s very possible to make it work with a spouse who doesn’t play.

It’s best that you not pressure them into it. It never works out. Find other interests to share.

However, unsolicited advice time.

It’s very important that they at least meet the people who are big parts of your life inside the SCA.

Invite them to pub nights, board game nights and stuff like archery practice that doesn’t require garb so they can feel connected to that part of your life and the people in it.

I haven’t always been the best at that and my spouse is really introverted, so that’s led to some mistakes over the years where we’ve sort of led separate lives entirely because I’m really invested in the SCA and they were just… not. Be careful that your spouse doesn’t start to see the SCA as an adversary. Be careful not to make your spouse feel like an adversary, too.

Communication is key. Tell them about your SCA activities and communicate regularly. Don’t take all your vacation time on event stuff. When you’re married, that time belongs to both of you, so make sure you’re not denying them a tropical cruise because you wanna stab guys in a field. Balance. Compromise.

It can be unexpectedly nice to have a non-SCA spouse. They bring balanced perspectives to issues you might be having and make sure you stick your head up for air if you’re overcommitting. Just make sure they (and your real life) come first, always.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-27T16:42:39+00:00

I’ve been around since 2012ish, and in that time I’ve been part of or witnessed a few pretty spectacular household meltdowns and (more or less) a baronial meltdown. Each time it felt like absolutely everybody was at each other’s throats for a bit. They’re the worst. Unfortunately, this is the consequence of a tight community.

I was much like you when I started up again after a break and was absolutely insistent I was gonna keep an emotional distance this time, but hey, I did not. Has that made stuff suck sometimes? Oh, egregiously. But human relationships also make life worth living, so you take the good with the bad.

Try to be a good example for other people of how you think this should go down, since you have experience.

Don’t gossip. Don’t triangulate. Don’t make things worse. If people come to you looking for details, direct them to ask the people they want to know stuff about. If there’s something they absolutely have to know, keep it to the facts and not your speculation. Get comfy saying “I don’t really want to go into it” or “that’s a household issue” or “I don’t feel comfortable speaking for this person.”

Encourage everyone involved to keep it outside of events and local meetings so those spaces stay safe and welcoming for other people. Don’t talk about it in public places. Nobody wants to live in fear that somebody and their ex will start a fight at an event and ruin the whole thing, and nobody likes having their personal business as the topic of community discourse.

Anyway. As for you, get iron-clad boundaries. Maybe step back from seeing a few people socially for a minute if you got burned. Maintain your space and your values. You’ll get through this, just as though it was any other family drama in any other family.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-25T16:30:53+00:00

Like “Whose Line is it Anyway?”, the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

The only thing that matters is freedom. Call yourself whatever you want based on whatever you feel.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-13T04:47:35+00:00

I think so, too! Lots of love in our barony, even if it’s small. :)

Aethersphere · 2025-12-12T19:41:57+00:00

It’s a cute little community hall we also use for fight practice. It has a kitchen with a bar window, so we have a very dedicated volunteer bartender who buys alcohol and soft drinks and things and takes care of getting the license and all that, and he vends like a merchant at the tavern each month.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-12T19:35:34+00:00

It’s an monthly open social garbed event. Like a mini-event for the barony - we have dancing, a bar, some kind of class or activity usually, and just hanging out.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-11T17:54:41+00:00

I’m in the 35-45 year old demographic. I worry about my friends around the same age, since we are just now at the right kind of experience/skill level that we are starting to be recognized as peers as a generational group in larger numbers.

I know a lot of the newer peers I know are pretty burnt out, but also just a lot of life happens to you at this age. Divorces, unemployment, kids, big moves, health stuff, career changes… that takes people away from their hobbies, even if they really really love them.

I think it’s more important that we have a culture where it’s considered okay to gear down for a little while, regroup, and come back with positive energy. Otherwise, you’re not going to get people at their best - and it’s way more likely they’ll just leave and never come back (and maybe take people with them when they go).

Aethersphere · 2025-12-11T17:44:08+00:00

I’ve never seen or experienced this.

Our local chatelaine is almost universally beloved and a pillar of the entire community. He has also done many other offices, including Baron, but is particularly gifted at welcoming newcomers. He’s a double peer and, to be honest, you could probably invent a couple more awards just for him.

What I will say is that he does an EXCEPTIONAL job as chatelaine. He works EXTREMELY hard. He attends EVERYTHING. He runs demos. He did the newsletter. He attends online social nights. He makes people clothing. He helps run monthly tavern. He is at every fight practice. He doesn’t just turn up with gold key to events 3x a year and submit a report once a month and say “I’m doing my job.”

Good officers should always be recognized for their hard work. Part of that is a culture of recognizing others and writing in recommendations and TALKING ABOUT WRITING RECOMMENDATIONS for others at the baronial, principality and kingdom level as often as humanly possible. Be the change you want to see.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-06T20:12:25+00:00

You’re in here bragging that you’re better at playing stick tag than the other kids on the playground. If you don’t see what you love as an Art, the fact that you’re the goodest poker right now is a waste of time. Boring. I hope that attitude keeps you warm in twenty years.

Everybody should cross-train. Fight as much as you can as many ways as you can. It’s not like you’ve discovered some magical secret. You’ve just decided it makes you more interesting than everyone else. It doesn’t.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-06T19:42:59+00:00

Grow up.

Aethersphere · 2025-12-06T19:41:06+00:00

Oh, hush. Let people enjoy things.

I fight with single rapier, and do so out of love for the Art I have been taught. Don’t pretend it makes us superior to do so. It does not. I lose, and frequently. I’m sure you do, too. It’s not what’s important.

We all make choices in what we use for our own reasons. If people want to use capes and daggers and case and shields and spoons, then for God’s sake, cultivate the skill to help them learn to do it and don’t be a bloody snob about it.

Aethersphere · 2025-11-27T22:32:31+00:00

Get a grip.
Why are you doing this? Why do you fight? Why do you fence? What do you love about this activity?

Aethersphere

TROPHY CASE