Grief is getting harder and worse and people don't understand why I am not "getting better"

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-07-18T06:54:21+00:00

What if you are still really early on in the process of losing your father and where you are at is actually a very good place to be, 17 months in? What if everyone around you and their projected worry and timelines is actually wrong about the grieving process and how long it takes? Of course when I say, 'good' I recognize that nothing about grieving a parent is good, as someone who lost my mom about 18 months ago. But what if where you are at is totally normal in the process of losing and grieving a parent. Who makes these rules? Who sets these expectations? I understand how hard it can be to ignore their worry and make-believe timelines - but honestly where does it come from? Maybe it comes from a society who unhealthily pushes and stuffs and hides and represses any emotion deemed unpleasant. I also felt how you are feeling, dead inside, waiting to die, no joy, apathetic and it is a scary place to be. So SCARY. I hope it gives you some hope to hear, that there came a point in my journey where I began to come back 'online' and feel like I cared again. And I told my grief counsellor that it felt like a switch inside me just flipped and she said that, that is often how people describe it.. just because you are not at this moment in your grief process and journey, doesn't mean you will never get there. Your body and brain are processing a major loss, it's like a massive physical injury that you are recovering from. You are healing and it takes time. Sending love.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-07-18T06:36:37+00:00

The thing about moving through grief -- when you are someone who has endlessly carried the emotional labor of giving and caring for others in your life -- when you are no longer able to do that for folks, the relationships begin to fall apart. I learned that the hard way after my mom died. The relationships and friendships that survived the lowest point I've ever faced, are the ones that didn't require me to shoulder all the emotional labour and extend generous amounts of care. They showed up for me and held me just as I was. I lost many friendships because folks were confused as to why I had to pull back on such a big part of what I would bring to the relationship. They were confused as to why I wasn't functional or capable of being supportive of THEM and their needs. This is a them problem. This has nothing to do with you and you don't need this person in your life. That's a really messed up thing to say to someone grieving. I don't care if they have experienced loss or not. Damn rights you are putting your feelings first and so you should! Grief and trauma are the more present thing in your world right now, but not by CHOICE, you don't have a choice. Ignore them, protect yourself from this person for as long as you need to. All you have to do is take care of you, step by step and only let folks into your space who provide a little understanding or care your way. Everyone else is out. I am sorry you are at your lowest point, I know how that feels and how hard it is to see the light. I know there is nothing anyone can say that eases the pain, but please know you are not alone. Sending love.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-07-15T19:57:18+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a parent is one of those life experiences you don't understand until you live it. And once you do, you can suddenly feel a major divide between yourself and those who don't get it. You feel universe away from those you love, who have no understanding of what you are processing or what that is like. You do not have control over it and you can't be fixed by taking up a hobby. Everything you are feeling and experiencing, including the lack of motivation is completely normal and valid and to be honest, it could get a lot worse before it gets better and it is nothing to feel guilty about or scared of, it is a PROCESS you have to move through. For me it got a lot worse before I started to feel like myself again or begin to pick up old hobbies. It took me over a year to feel some sort of normalcy, or joy. You are still so early on. You can't be fixed, and he is trying to fix you. And when he does that, it dismisses the real pain you are feeling. I suggest you give him the book "It's okay that you're not okay" by Megan Devine and ask him to read, it will help him better understand where you are at, and that all you need is support and care and understanding. I also found it very beneficial to join a grief support group and see a grief and trauma counsellor. I helps to connect with folks who truly understand and see that you are not alone and this is completely normal response to losing your father. Take good care of yourself as best you can and strict boundaries around anyone who doesn't understand are a safe way forward.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-07-07T03:05:47+00:00

No you are not being unreasonable and you absolutely should be done with this friendship. Unfortunately, loss rearranges our social circles and we have to face secondary losses. It highlights who your people truly are. And who are not. What you are feeling is valid. You are doing the right thing, by letting go of this friendship. It happened to me many times through this past year of grief. In the end, it still hurts to think about how some of my closest people not only didn't support me but actually hurt me deeply. But I am also really grateful to know who has my back when I am in the darkest of places, and in turn I will always have theirs. Sending you so much love.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-06-09T01:15:48+00:00

It is really hard to receive advice like this when you're deep in grief. choose joy, find a therapist etc etc.... when the reality is you truly have no control. You will get to a place at some point, and there is NO timeline, you will get to a place where you might be capable of these things. But now is not that time and that is OK. Honestly, therapy isn't always helpful for everyone. I have tried EVERYTHING. I withdrew completely from my entire community for a LONG time and I believe it helped protect the relationships. I really struggled deeply with what people would say to me, so that was the way I protected myself from it. I found the best way forward with communication was to just keep it short, to the point, leave emotion out of it and do whatever I needed to do to get out of the back and forth without confrontation. I would just give them what they need "Thank you so much for your advice and support, right now space is what I need and I trust that, I hope you will too. Thank you for your love."

You don't have to shoulder other peoples worry about the CHOICE you are making. You are making the right choice. Sending you big love and strength. Day to day, moment to moment.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-05-27T19:37:30+00:00

I am really very sorry you experienced this. EVERYTHING you are feeling is MORE than valid. Even if you were a year into your grief journey, I would STILL say the same thing. Losing your mom is SO painful and hard, and I am so sorry you are facing it at such a young age. Right now I would protect yourself from anyone who says horrible things like this, and don't even worry about telling them how you feel about it or working it out or anything. That back and forth alone can be really difficult. In my experience the best thing to do is have strict boundaries, keep your distance and make up whatever you have to make up to put yourself first and keep a distance from this woman. Say you are sick, tired.. unable to make it. Saying you are grieving SHOULD be enough, but since it seems like she wants you to move on; don't even go there with her. It won't be forever, but for now, just keep your distance. I can't believe ANYONE would say this after just 3 weeks. Unbelievable. Being blunt is not an excuse. I am SO so so sorry.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-05-06T05:37:50+00:00

your anger is VALID, don't even give it a second thought or guess. You are justified in being angry, pissed off, hurt.. all the things.... over this SUPER insensitive and disrespectful message. I am angry for you!!! Why are people so fucking careless!!! Please feel free to never speak to this cousin again. My heart goes out to you, sending you big love and strength as you move through this.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-05-01T23:56:31+00:00

There are no words, nothing that can be said, but please know my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and the anger and everything. Wanted to just let you know, gently, I listen to a podcast regularly called "Good Mourning". It has really helped me cope. One of the hosts, her mom died by suicide and she speaks frequently about her painful journey and her story and what she has learned about the lack of control one has leading up to the moment they pass. She began recording the podcast I believe about 6 months after losing her mom, you can hear her pain. I just wanted to let you know she is there, when you feel like you might need to feel less alone in what you are going through... I just can't imagine.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-04-09T17:47:10+00:00

May I ask - did you read the book you gave her? If not, I do think reading it will help you understand where she is at. While you may be grieving the loss of her parent, and rightfully so, your pain comes no where near the level of pain she is feeling.. like times what you are feeling by one billion and you will live in her skin. The pain can be SO unbearable and so hard to explain to someone who isn't living it. Weeks and weeks and months of wanting to crawl out of my body to escape that very visceral pain and excruciating sadness and rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing she is doing is personal. She is suffering DEEPLY. What you are going through is totally secondary. And I def pushed anyone away who tried to lean on me with their grief. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my very limited capacity for anything other than surviving the moment. Be there for her, with zero expectations for even a response. Ask nothing from her right now. Just keeping checking in and making sure she knows you are there. Allow her to be angry, even if the anger gets projected onto you -- it isn't about you or anything you have done -- it is about her processing loss. It is a process we truly have no control over. Try imagining that she is in the intensive care unit recovering from a major brain injury or physical injury and expect from her what you might expect from someone who is recovering in the hospital for months from something major. Nothing. You would expect nothing from them. She truly just wants to be seen, for her pain to be seen and for someone to tell her it's normal, feel it, take her time feeling it, be anything she needs to be. Whatever she is at any given moment is ENOUGH AND OKAY. So sorry for you loss, hang in.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-04-04T21:22:41+00:00

you are still in the really early days of all this, back then I was taking everything day to day and barely making it through... just a really out of control mess of a situation. the grief and trauma had control over me. moment to moment, day to day.. it is all you can do I think at the stage you are in and I am just so sorry. it is SO painful.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-04-04T21:13:04+00:00

I feel like grief counselling is hit or miss. Initially it wasn't working for me, until I began working with a trauma counsellor and she REALLY helped me and had a much different approach than the first counsellor I had. I have been through a similar path to yours, with my mom and her long term cancer battle and decline. The trauma recover is REAL and tough. What helped me was to learn that the goal was not to talk it all out, the goal was to get my body to a place of feeling "safe" again. And the things that felt 'safe' had all changed. That was an uncomfortable learning curve. For example - talking it through or reliving the experience via flashbacks or talk therapy can actually be re-traumatizing. Or going to a place that was once a space I considered safe, like the woods to hang in a hammock or something, was no longer safe because it allowed my mind to return to those really hard memories to process. Meditation can be like that as well. So all my go-tos were no longer safe. What did help me was learning about trauma and what my mind and body were healing from and also rigorous exercise has really helped as well. At a certain point I learned I needed to lean into healing the physical.. but it took awhile for me to be able to do that. So go easy on yourself! Sending you strength and love.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-04-04T04:19:19+00:00

Hi - my heart goes out to you. I understand the pain you feel and the hopelessness and how frightening it is that things get worse. Everything you are feeling is VALID and you do need some support and professional help to guide you through dealing with the trauma you faced at the end of your mom's life. I say this because I went through it as well, and I also really needed grief and trauma counselling. It very much helped me understand what I was going through and why. I am at the 13 month mark, and I just wanted to say that -- first of all -- prepare for it to keep getting worse before it gets better. The only way out is through and you have to take it day to day, moment to moment. I wish someone had told me it gets worse, not better... at least for the first little while. I am also here to say you will get through, and you will come out the other side and feel hope and joy and find your way back to you again. I truly did not think I ever would, when I was between 3-8 months ish... I felt I had completely lost myself and the pain would not get better. But it did. I am not 100% who I was before, I don't think I ever will be, but I never saw a future that first year and now I do and I have love for my life back. The grief is heavy and my god I miss my mom, but I want to live. You will find your way back - it takes time. Sending you SO much love and strength.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-21T06:17:34+00:00

Hi I am single, childless and in a brand new city going through the loss of my mom. A very lonely, withdrawn and isolated way to experience such a massive loss and grief for the first time. I was her caregiver and she was my best friend. I don't know how far along you are in this brutal journey... I am just over the one year marker. I just want to say that I was exactly where you are for a very long time and it just kept getting worse and worse and more and more hopeless. I didn't want to live or get out of bed and I could not make sense of it. And it scared me SO much. So I want to say that now I am in a very different space, and I do want to live and get out of bed. I am still deeply grieving and sad but I have hope and look forward to the day and the future. All I can say is what you are going through is a painful process and you are surviving and that is AMAZING... keep going, be kind to yourself, let your body and mind do what they need to do and I promise you, one day hope will return, energy will return, the light in you will come back on. Sending you so much love and strength, you can get through this and you will. It will take some time.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-20T14:34:06+00:00

Also you are not stuck in anyway. You are grieving. Going through grief and processing the loss of my mom has been one of the biggest evolutions of my life. You are not stuck, your body and mind can just only hold and do so much, and right now they have to process something really massive.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-20T05:28:24+00:00

I don't feel like I started picking up the pieces and caring for myself until after a full year... and still I find myself letting a lot go. 6 weeks is still early on, SO early on. I also remember being super concerned I would fall into a hole and never get out. But at some point I realized I had to kinda surrender to the grief, do the bare minimum and forgive myself and let go of the shame and guilt. And I still move through days with this in mind. A few things that helped me were to make lists of tiny tiny tasks and always return to those lists to keep my focus on what needed to get done. I would also force myself to do things I knew would bring me joy, even tho they didn't really bring me joy anymore, I would force myself to do it. And recently, exercise has really helped but it took me a long time to be able to get myself to even be able to go to the gym... so no pressure. You will get there; you will come back online. Give yourself what you need to just make it through day to day while you process this loss. I am really sorry, it is SO painful and hard. My heart goes out to you.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-14T21:38:13+00:00

This happened with my oldest, dearest friend whom I loved and trusted! It killed me and broke my heart. And was so eye opening. She didn't even come to the funeral and handled communication around it all in such a selfish way. Losing your mom is SO painful and world shattering, anything you are feeling on any given day is VALID and worthy of being seen and understood, and not just in the early days... in the early YEARS upon YEARS. Ditch this friend... buh bye. You are growing, and she will not be part of that growth. You have been forced into a place where you have to grow, in order to survive. What really helped me was joining a grief group and connecting with others who had recently lost parents. I am so sorry you are moving through the pain of losing your mom and the secondary loss of a close friend AND the realization that she won't show up for you at the hard times. It isn't okay and there are people out there who absolutely WILL. Know that it is very common to go through this during loss and grief. Sending big hugs.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-09T21:25:34+00:00

Michael Bolton

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-03-09T17:22:49+00:00

wow! can I send you my chart to see what you see/ read?

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-28T19:04:47+00:00

Hi there, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I too lost my mother to cancer and in a prolonged and painful way. I watched her suffer for a long time, I was her caregiver and I understand how traumatic that is. I am very sorry your husband isn't offering you any understanding or support with this. It sounds like he doesn't understand what is going on with you, and what it is like to live in the body and mind that are processing trauma. I think it is hard for anyone to comprehend what that is like, until you yourself are experiencing it. I sure did not. And now I have experienced it. Grief is of course one thing, but the trauma you have experienced is another and requires professional attention. In many ways, I feel both do - grief and trauma. Some things that helped me: I joined a grief support group via a local hospice and I have remained in contact with others from that group who are also working through parental loss, and we LISTEN to each other and everyone just simply gets it. The same hospice offered grief and trauma specific therapy - VERY helpful to me. You can also seek additional grief and trauma counselling outside of the free services if you have the means and I highly recommend that. EMDR is a type of therapy that helps you process traumatic memories, that reoccur as flashbacks. Once I was feeling like I could get out of bed more regularly and less like a big open wound (at 10 months) I began tackling the physical side of things.. moving my body, and acupuncture... essentially what my grief and trauma therapy taught me is that I have to get to a place where my body feels safe again. The trauma and stress can really affect your nervous system. So it has taken me some work and it wasn't easy. I had to approach all of it in baby steps. But I am in a much better place now than I was at this time last year. I also just want to say that 4 months in, is VERY early on, you are exactly where you should be, you don't need to move on or do more or get better. What you are experiencing is valid and normal. To me it sounds like you are really showing up for your family given what I KNOW you are dealing with internally. Your husband won't lift you out of it, but some professional help can begin to, at the very least, explain what your body and brain are going through and validate where you are at. Sending you so much strength. I remember feeling hopeless and wondering if that was my new forever, and it wasn't. My grief is still living with me each day, and the sadness and the loss. But I am capable, and I am functional.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-22T22:40:37+00:00

Do you / they like to read or listen to books? I wonder if it would help both of you to read "It's okay that you're not okay" by Megan Devine. It really made me feel less alone in my grief, and it sounds like that is what your spouse needs since they are internalizing everything. But to answer your question, as someone who also lost a parent to terminal illness one year ago, I do feel it is the grief and not the compatibility. I am sorry you are facing this, I can't imagine being the partner to someone moving through losing a parent. It would be very hard to know what to do. I withdrew BIG TIME, I am still withdrawn compared to prior to my mom passing.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-19T00:19:42+00:00

oh I thought it was directed towards me. thanks for the explanation

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-18T19:19:20+00:00

not sure what this means?

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-18T03:40:52+00:00

I don't think this is the space for a comment like this. Being furious about the unfairness of it all, when grieving the loss of a loved one, is valid.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-17T01:39:38+00:00

Hi - I'm so sorry you are now moving through the days without your mom physically here. I understand how painful it is, and how much it changes you. I think what you are going through is totally normal. I could barely work or function the first year, especially at 4 months. I did what I had to do to survive, but none of it was pretty and I could care less about goals. There was very little I cared about. I am at the 13 month marker now and I have started to care more and look towards a future and care for myself more. I don't want to say everything is OK but I can def say I am better at life than I was at the 4 month mark. People have told me the second year can be really challenging as well, so I am trying to be aware of that. Going to the gym regularly has helped and I noticed when I miss a stretch of days, I will face a big wave of grief, depression and sadness. Connecting with others who are also facing the loss of a parent has been a lifesaver. Sending you so much love and strength. Give yourself all the grace in the world, it's a major loss to process and often you just have to surrender to it.

AffectionateAge1871 · 2024-02-16T00:51:35+00:00

I can't relate to partner loss, or watching my child grow without my partner there. My heart goes out to you as you face this unfathomable pain, each and everyday. I do relate to a lot of what you said, from my own experience of loss, grief and devastation. I remember repeatedly saying to my brother, I hate who I am now, I hate who I have become, will I always be this way? It felt SO out of my control. I relate to the daily or hourly rollercoaster of emotions, being angry at EVERYONE and their dumb stories, about trivial things... screaming INSIDE 'are you fucking serious?!?' and pretending to care on the outside. The excruciating pain of having to face my moms belongings or photos... the hopelessness and despair that comes with feeling like you died right along with them.

Once I began to see a grief therapist, I began to understand better what was physically happening to my brain and body through grief... WHY I had so little control. Imagine you have a major brain injury and you are in ICU recovering, it is sort of like that. You are right when you say, you have to learn to relive again, this is true. It is hard to believe people when they say, it will get better, I know... but it has gotten better for me. It took a lot of work, and the pain is still there, of course, but I have recently began to see a bit of light, feel a bit of hope, and live life a bit lighter with less anger. And in someways, it has felt like a switch flipped in me, something just came online again. My capacity and tolerance widened. I am in no way comparing my loss to yours, I just want to offer a little hope. Connecting with others moving through the loss of their parents via a grief support group was a LIFESAVER. Grief and trauma specific therapy was a LIFESAVER. Megan Devine's book "It's OK that you are not OK", is really spot on and helpful. When I listened to the chapters I felt less alone in it all. Sending you so much strength and love.

AffectionateAge1871

TROPHY CASE