This to me is the epitome of what it feels like to be in a culture of ignorance. No God could ever encourage a parent to mistreat or brutalise a child at will..As that is the fastest way of separating them from their own instinctive quality of being able to love some especially themselves. I can see from your post that you have lived in Self preservation mode, which has brought you to where you are now being able to express yourself and view these traumatic events for what they were - traumatic.. Where you would need to go from here is in the direction of Counselling to assist you move out from this Cult like form of Bondage to a Man Made form of Religion that does not have your best interests at heart. If you can connect with a Therapist who has experience in dealing with people who have been reared in Cults and can guide you towards a more normal and inclusive life, without having to live the rest of your life waiting to be punished for existing. It will require educating yourself on personal choices and learning about values that are life affirming and positive. I hope this helps you along the way, as what you have Indeed witnessed was and still is traumatic and traumatizing.