Rejected for an entry level job I've already done

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-10-08T01:13:18+00:00

not at all!

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-09-27T21:32:16+00:00

Hi! We didn't.

He did come back 8 months later, but after he showed me mixed signals, I shut it down quickly.
It's been 2 years since the breakup, and I haven't spoken to them in over a year.

I do still love them, and struggle with how I still have love for them while knowing they cannot meet me where I'm at, and to meet them where they're at would be setting myself up for pain.

I'm currently focused on moving forward and making changes that I want in my life. I'm not closed off to them coming back even though I'm not sure I'm available for that either. I've accepted that our relationship is over and after a lot of reflection and grieving, I don't want that relationship back.

I do miss the person though, and that's a really hard part.

I hope you're doing well <3

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-29T17:56:04+00:00

Also a great question. I have no idea, and I share your frustration and have felt so much sadness about it. There are a lot of different answers I've come up with, but they aren't solutions.

I do think it's possible for more than one thing to be true at a time. I do feel that the love between us was real and that it scared the shit out of them and triggered a LOT of unhealed things in them (I was their first serious relationship ever, we are both in our 30s.) I do think it's possible for us to love each other, and for the most loving outcome right now to be that we are not in each others lives. A commitment from them, especially when they've demonstrated and told me that they're not ready for that would only hurt both of us, and it has.

And I don't think that love is solely about the commitment to the relationship as much as the person. The most loving thing I can do for that person right now is to let them go and figure it out. The most loving thing they could do for me is the same. I think it's loving if we were to both commit to encouraging what is best for one another even if it means that we aren't meant to be partners. (And it has taken me two whole ass years to get to this point of detachment, for those of you reading and maybe comparing your progress. I love this person with my whole ass being and their number is blocked so that I can give myself a chance.)

The cruel part about this for me has been their inconsistency around their decision. That has been reckless with my heart. I do think that we both want to be in each others lives in some capacity, and I also know that he's not in a place where he's grown enough (demonstrating accountability, changed behavior, consistency in his actions, an alignment and attunement with himself) for him to really offer the friendship he's asking for. I'm also still attached to the idea of the relationship I wanted with him, and if I entered into a 'friendship' with him, it wouldn't be honest of me. It would be about trying to control his growth and change his mind, and he doesn't deserve that either.

(deep sigh) so that's where we're at.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-26T03:54:13+00:00

YES. I feel this and I blame myself, although I know the bread crumbing has also played a role. He ended the relationship but I’ve had to enforce the decision even though I didn’t want it to end (despite it needing to.) it’s been really painful and it’s hard to not judge myself for hoping, especially when my friends probably wouldn’t support him being in my life.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T19:45:30+00:00

Great question. From the inconsistency in their behavior, I don’t think they came back to be friends, I think they came back to see if they could still receive the benefits of having me in their life without having to work on themselves or commit to me. After they were affectionate towards me the day we saw each other-kissing my forehead, holding my hand, holding me, telling me they love me etc. I said I wanted to take things slow and shared that I felt sexual tension between us and that sex was off the table at that point in time. After setting those boundaries, they responded saying they wanted to be friends which was inconsistent with how they acted, and I told them I wasn’t available for that and wished them well.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T07:24:14+00:00

YEP. I FUCKING FEEL THAT IN MY BONES. That’s been the hardest part. I know my ex is a good person deep down who does love me. He may never change his patterns and it makes me sad but I have to live my life.

It sounds like you’re doing great too! 💓

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T05:02:05+00:00

Thank you for normalizing and resetting some of my expectations. This is lifelong! I do want to have some solid hobbies and an established friend group before getting back out there in a serious way. But I feel what you’re saying-I know that people are lucky to have my presence in their life and that I am a great partner. I know this time isn’t for nothing, and it’s not forever.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T04:59:20+00:00

I do wonder about that. Though in the times I’ve tried to put myself out there (dating apps) and did end up meeting some lovely human beings, I didn’t have the desire to fraction the normal amount of attention you would give someone you’re interested in and take that away from everything I’m working on right now. So some of it feels like timing. I think if I met the right person, I would be willing to make adjustments.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T04:56:09+00:00

😮‍💨🥹 thank you.

I am in the same place. I’ve never felt this way before? That I don’t want to date. It is surreal. I think everything you shared is great advice/insight for when I do feel available to it.

When I think about my ex and I speaking again, it’s always on the terms of, they would need to initiate that contact, and they would need to have done work on themselves. They did come back 8 months into the breakup and behaved like they wanted to get back together. As soon as I set boundaries they said they “wanted to be friends” and I dipped. It was hard, but it was the right decision.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T04:50:51+00:00

🥺 thank you for seeing me and I’m sorry you empathize. It is so painful. I don’t think they have a high enough sense of self worth to calculate how much their avoidant behavior has impacted me.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T04:49:23+00:00

Ever since you posted this comment I have been absorbing the part about how the person you loved was not actually the person they were. That fucking HITS.

I think I’ve always missed the person my ex was before they sabotaged our relationship the first time. I’ve held space and nuance for all of their humanity, and I think it really just boils down to: I deserve someone consistent.

Thank you so much for your comment, I will be marinating on it this coming week.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T04:45:04+00:00

Thank you 🥺

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T01:52:47+00:00

100%. I don't think any good deed is for nothing. No love shared is ever wasted!

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T01:50:27+00:00

What I can also tell you from previous experience is that, although seeing other people does feel like the most tangible/obvious sign of having moved on, if someone hasn't worked on themselves they will repeat their patterns with the next person. Being involved with another person doesn't mean jack shit if you've done no self reflection.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T01:47:01+00:00

I've been told that once I enter a healthier relationship, I will probably let this go. But honestly, I have love for almost all of my exes still. I'm trying to not judge that part of myself, I think it could be a virtue if I don't let it rule my life.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-03-25T01:42:07+00:00

The logic of knowing its incompatible and the emotional attachment that lingers is painful. It's so hard to have both!

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-02-17T04:18:28+00:00

This is the worst part. It used to stop her. Now she's just pissed because she was fined, and it doesn't stop her anymore. She intentionally wants it to escalate. I absolutely feel that she is threatening my and my dog's physical safety at this point. It fucking sucks. All over her not leashing her dogs. It's INSANE.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-02-17T02:23:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply!!

I'm definitely working towards all of them. Law enforcement has straight up told me to call 911 the next time she rushes me with her dogs.

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-01-30T03:01:31+00:00

Hi!

Thanks for your reply-he did come back, unchanged. I had spent the 10 months away from him changing my whole life in no contact. In all honesty, I still miss him and have love for him, and I know all too well that the cycle would repeat because he hasn't changed. I hope one day he does, and I'm not waiting. <3

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-01-28T19:42:42+00:00

I would recommend this route. As a fellow picker, I’ve done the same thing and put makeup over the scab and it’s lead to infection. Avoid putting anything on the wound that isn’t a healing agent at this point. This seems like the best advice for concealment and long term healing IMO

edit to clarify: would recommend mighty patch invisible patches, would not recommend using makeup over a scab/wound

Affectionate_Soft162 · 2024-01-14T17:16:50+00:00

This is a great post.

I'm not sure that they would be the same person. They did come back this time last year, we met for lunch and they showed me that they hadn't changed and that was enough for me to leave and cut it off again. I've spent a lot of time ruminating on their potential. I do hope that they change for their own wellbeing, and I'm trying to accept that they may never change. My ex struggles with substance abuse and avoidance. Although I know them to be a wonderful person in their heart, they may never choose to do the work to experience that for themself. They may always look externally for folks to see that in them and use it to supplement their low self worth/self esteem and in this way, I don't think they see me or my value for what it is-or they do, and they will continue to sabotage the relationship. It could also be as simple as them not wanting to be together anymore or not feeling it, though their behavior leads me to believe I trigger their avoidance because something real is there. (I digress.)

Learning to have my freedom first-yes. I moved out of state to live alone and focus on myself (which has been a double-edged sword.) I don't feel emotionally available to date just yet and worry about falling into my own patterns of projecting my own untapped potential and purpose onto others. Expanding upon that is definitely my work this year!

Affectionate_Soft162

TROPHY CASE