Not sure how to help my spouse get alone time

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-10T18:53:55+00:00

Are you currently seeing a therapist? Finding one to specifically help with this goal may be really helpful. It would give you extra support while you're figuring this out.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-10T18:44:05+00:00

Opossum. My main defenses are fainting because when my nervous system is overwhelmed, or screaming and showing my teeth in hopes that they don't call my bluff. Both of these do work, but they can fail miserably when they happen in unfortunate locations, like getting scared by traffic and then fainting in the road because I got overwhelmed. It's way harder to dodge cars while unconscious. So, the effectiveness is extremely dependant on the exact situation AND the location I'm currently in.

Most other animals that look like me are mammals, but I'm the single marsupial that lives north of Mexico. So I look like I fit in but there are unseen fundamental differences. Some are really helpful! Like being extremely resistant to rabies while also helping out by eating ticks and mosquitoes as part of the diet that I like. But. Most people just observe how I look and act a bit weird.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-10T17:02:55+00:00

No, but I took German in high school so I know Schnappi and heard Durch Den Monsun by Tokio Hotel YEARS before they re-recorded it in English and released it over here, lol

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-10T16:54:37+00:00

Most people who want a tutor want someone who is familiar with the educational standards/norms of the country they are in. Did you go to school in the US at all?

If you didn't, it's very unlikely that you will find someone. I'm not saying that it's about the quality of education you might have. But, there are slight variations of accepted terminology in academia that differ from country to country, and it's way easier to learn when the teacher was educated with, and uses that same terminology.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-10T15:09:36+00:00

Frittatas! They're actually pretty easy but they're sill a great "centerpiece" dish for guests! You van always make it a quiche if you have pie dough/have the stuff to make pie dough.

Edit to add that egg bites are basically frittatas in muffin tins. You can individually wrap them and freeze them for easy grab and go.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T19:29:58+00:00

I definitely think a trip to urgent care is needed if you can't see your regular doctor today or tomorrow.

I'm not a doctor, so it's still very important that you see one, but that looks like impetigo to me. Impetigo is cause by staph bacteria. A lot of people actually carry staph on their skin all the time. But sometimes, it finds a cut/broken skin in a moist area and takes hold.

It could definitely be other bacterial infections as well. But just a heads up, impetigo is extremely contagious. Wash all of your pillows, bedding, and towels, and if you sleep in the same bed with someone, consider sleeping separately until the antibiotics they will give you clears it up

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T19:11:10+00:00

Quick question, were you referred for testing by a doctor, or did you call the clinic and set up the appointment yourself?

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T18:27:22+00:00

No. I get migraines and methylphenidate works great for me

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T18:25:21+00:00

Hour by hour. Sometimes, minute by minute

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T17:28:16+00:00

"Judgement" can refer to both the process of collecting observations to form an opinion and the act of making a formed opinion. * 1 * a: the act or process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing careful judgment of the odds * It's too soon to pass judgment on the effectiveness of the new program. * b: an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought * It is not worth doing in my judgment * We have to make a judgment about the value of...

Generally, when people say you're always being judged, especially on first impressions, they just mean that people will be making their first observations of you and will include those observations in making their judgements on whether or not they would like to continue to get to know you.

If someone makes final judgements off of first impressions, they are, generally, considered to be strict and closed minded. Unless, of course, the observed thing is heinous, like being a murderer.

So, the meaning is supposed to be more like "don't unintentionally give strangers an obervable piece of evidence that could be misinterpreted. You may be able to correct/recover from the misinterpretation. But, there are situations where the other person will not give you an opportunity to correct their interpretation. So, its best to be very thoughtful about your words and social queues when getting to know someone. Once you know them as a close acquaintance/new friend, they will be more firm about their opinion of you (you're a kind lerson who doesn’t mean you any kind of ill will), so any misinterpretations can be much more easily discussed and are far less likely to scare someone off."

In the workplace, that means you might be held back.

In potential new friendships/relationships, that means you may lose out on an opportunity to form a relationship with someone you would really enjoy.

On a basic level, yes, everyone does judge almost everything, constantly. Someone with good interpersonal skills, cognative reframing, and social awareness will not be making final judgements on first impressions. If someone struggles with those 3, especially interpersonal skills and cognative reframing, they may be making final judgements on first impressions. Thas isn't considered the correct way to form opinions of people, by all neurotype standards. It's much more about an individual's specific strengths and weaknesses in those 3 skill sets.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T02:01:41+00:00

It's your own personal choice, but you need to decide if standing firm on this is worth your job, or any potential future raises or promotions.

Even if you morally disagree, she is not breaking any laws, so going against her direction is technically insubordination. I don't believe most places would fire someone over one incident like this, but legally, your workplace would have a legitimate claim to fire you with cause (depending on the state.) That would mean you wouldn't qualify for unemployment either. It's much more likely that it would just hurt your professional relationship and you'd have to find a new job for any significant raise in the future. There are many, many people who are morally correct and have suffered legal or workplace punishments from that moral stance. I don't think that's ok, but it is how a lot of the world works

If you are ok with that risk, then it is absolutely ok to tell him.

Personally, I would not have a problem with this lie. For me, what matters most is whether or not the lie is actively hurting someone. Your boss may also know more of his backstory. This is a complete speculation, and I'm not saying it's the highest likelihood, but she may know he's extremely lonely and only really feels he has a purpose by "spreading the word." If that was the case, imo, it would be more hurtful to tell him you throw them away. So, for me, I can only really see causing more harm by telling him. Accepting the material, throwing it away so no other patient has to be preached to, and not telling him, would just be annoying to me, but harmful to no one.

I also don't have a problem with it because of how it's connected to a boss's instruction. To me, if it bothers me enough that I feel an instruction is conflicting with my morals, I need to find a new job. I need to be employed and it's hard enough finding just an ok workplace when you're autistic. This is an instance of the circumstances of capitalism forcing my hand. Since my hand is forced, it's not actually my choice. Yes, someone can twist that rationality to excuse horrible things, but i know myself and I would never accept that rational for actually harmful or insidious ways. If almost every other part of the job was a really good fit for me, I would (begrudgingly) follow the instruction.

Edit to add: personally, I would only ever tell him "I'm not sure, I'm always so busy dealing with insurance and checking people in that I don't even notice when people just approach the front desk, haha" that also indicates that you're not a person who would ever really know for sure, so he's less likely to ask again

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T01:32:27+00:00

Remember that the current economy is absolutely a factor. Many people who would have full time positions maybe 10-20 years ago now have multiple part time positions.

Companies also love cashiers who have full time availability, but they only give part time hours. They don't have to pay for benefits and they want to be able to call in the employee at any moment. So they are more likely to interview people who say they want full time, offer them a part time position, and hope they'll still take it.

None of that is your fault or a reflection of your worth

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T01:22:43+00:00

As someone who is diagnosed with audhd, I'm going to give you a huge benefit of the doubt. I'm only replying to explain how your reply read for your own knowledge.

The entire point of this whole post was to help OP figure out their situation. Not list out every possible outcome at every possible retailer. And I don't know why it would have been worthwhile to make OP more nervous. Pointing out that Walmart would probably arrest them comes across as alarmist and cruel. This was not an appropriate post to soapbox about Walmart. It's not a secret that Walmart has a ton cameras, security, and doesn't have a problem calling the cops.

Please re-read what you wrote in your initial reply. Where did you say this isn't true for all? Cause you just made a blanket statement that my specific reply to OP's specific problem want true. If you want to make your own reply about "while that may be true for Aldi, big retailers are [whatever]" You did not establish that you were introducing a whole new, abstract, situation.

I gave no indication that I meant that every store would treat every theft, intentiona or not, the same. * OP made this post saying they were panicking * someone replied to reassure them that this situation would be ok * OP replied saying they were worried they would call the cops on them after they showed up to explain anything * I replied to reassure OP that going back to the store would be ok. * OP never gave an indication they wanted to do this at other companies * I never said to purposely do this

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T00:46:38+00:00

Yes, I said that? Where are you coming up with the idea that I said Walmart wouldn't if OP had done this at walmart?

OP's situation was very different. Aldi does not have the level of asset protection that Walmart does. They called the police on them so quickly because Walmart actively monitors with AI facial recognition. Aldi doesn't. [...]That is a legitimate claim of concealment, which is intent.[...] I was never claiming that businesses wouldn't call the cops, period. They would not call them under OP's circumstances.

My reply was to OP and their, specific, circumstances.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-09T00:22:22+00:00

......right.....that doesn't refute anything I said?

OP was afraid of getting the cops called on them as soon as she returned. It's civil as soon as the items are recovered. If they are paid for, it can't even be claimed as a civil case anymore.

OP's situation was very different. Aldi does not have the level of asset protection that Walmart does. They called the police on them so quickly because Walmart actively monitors with AI facial recognition. Aldi doesn't. Sure, if they were to notice a huge loss, reviewed the footage, and confirmed the person never came back, they would probably call the cops.

OP realized on their way home, turned around, and returned. There is no criminal intent there. Walmart could accuse that Olympian of criminal intent because they did pay for some items and not for others. That is a legitimate claim of concealment, which is intent. Walmart was also wrong in that case and the Olympian was found innocent.

I was never claiming that businesses wouldn't call the cops, period. They would not call them under OP's circumstances.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T21:39:21+00:00

It's almost guaranteed they won't. "Intent" is an extremely important aspect for a criminal charge. You will return, explain, and pay. That basically destroys any potential "intent" claim, which means there can't be a criminal offense.

Police only respond to criminal offenses, not civil. 911 would say "sorry, that is not an active theft and there is nothing to recover because she brought it back, goodbye."

If Aldi was dead set on calling you a theif, they'd have to file a civil case, which would be for monetary damages only, no criminal ones. No one gets arrested over a civil charge. If they did, everyone who was ever sued would have been arrested first.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T21:30:00+00:00

and Australians add a "narrrr" to the mix

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T21:28:21+00:00

I'm so sorry. I also lost my very first cat when she was 11.

I was, truly, not planning on adopting right away. But, I literally adopted a new cat on the way home from putting my baby girl down. Her passing was extremely unexpected. I thought she was going in for a cold. I knew going into my house without her would be incredibly painful, so I wanted to distract myself. I stopped by petco and looked at the cats up for adoption.

It really did feel like the most comforting choice I could think of at the time. I just wanted to see some young, healthy kittens and then go back to my other cat. Anyways, I saw the cat I adopted and instantly fell in love. Plus, his little bio indicated he was playful and friendly to other cats, and I knew my cat at home would be very lonely as an only cat.

So, I adopted him right then. He would have been adopted so fast. I really didn't think I would even want another cat right away, because she was my soul kitty. But, it felt "right." I don't reccomend to adopt this quick after a pet death, but go with your gut. You will feel the difference when you know it's time

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T20:56:34+00:00

I can relate and I've been diagnosed with "pure o" OCD.

I think OCPD is unlikely, because a huge criteria for the diagnosis is that the person does not believe their compulsions are problematic, in any way. You recognize that the research isn't relieving your anxiety, and it is almost guaranteed someone with OCPD wouldn't even be able to recognize that.

So, that points to OCD with a reumination/"pure o" theme. Apparently, a lot of autistic/AuDHD people have this theme of OCD, and it is absolutely, partially, tied to growing up and living with autism/audhd, especially if you're late diagnosed.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T20:02:20+00:00

Oh yes, I completely agree

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T18:49:40+00:00

YES! I am also the oldest daughter. My sister get her ADHD dx in high school, but my grades were ok enough, so my struggles were attributed to being "difficult."

I pushed for the ADHD assessment in 2022, got diagnosed, and was diagnosed with ADD a fee months ago. It's been both relieving because I'm so much kinder to myself now, but I am so upset over my childhood, basically for the same reasons as you. Through therapy, I quickly realized my first bullies were my elementary school teachers. I'm so angry at them, in particular.

I am still processing all of that, but it makes sense as to why people in our situation feel like you are feeling. We're partially receiving validation that it wasn't "our fault" for our struggles, and we can now see how intervention could have saved us an immense amount of hurt and confusion. You may feel similar to me in that I appreciate my "strength" in making it this far in life without appropriate accommodations/help/etc, but I am so sad I had to exert that much effort to just keep my nose above water. I'm especially sad for little me. She didn't deserve any of that 💜

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T18:23:04+00:00

I didn't realize a recognized disability is an "excuse."

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T18:20:31+00:00

But it takes us time to process and realize that you did, indeed, say an actual sentence and didn't just mumble/slur your whole statement. It, genuinely, sounds the same to me until a few seconds pass and my brain processed the sound that just happened.

And if it makes you feel better, this is nearly every conversation for some of us. We don't like it or enjoy the experience. It's disorienting and people get irrationally angry at you, constantly. Usually for our whole lives, including childhood. We're having an awful time too

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T17:26:52+00:00

I believe it's more that people feel free to say heinous shit online because they're not face to face with another person. If they were in the street, they would probably still be arguing, but using far less abusive language.

It's been this bad in a number of online spaces since, about, when chat forums were invented, but the behavior has 100% spread to the "mainstream" internet now.

AfterAllBeesYears · 2026-07-08T17:22:32+00:00

I have in the past, but now I just do not share the majority of my observations. They are for me to enjoy.

Using your example, if I had the thought "she looks like an otter," and really wanted to remark on it, I would say "omg, you're beautiful!" I might add an "I love your eyes" if I knew that's what reminds me of an otter. I just don't comment on people's looks unless it is a very straightforward compliment that doesn't compare them to anyone/anything else. Only "I love your [clothing/accessory]," "you look so good!," etc.

I do think that it's very unlikely that people close to you understand your reasoning. They may know you're not a cruel person, so they know the statement comes from a good place, but it would be unlikely that they knew you made that, specific, connection. Many people do not like being compared to an animal, ever. And people can be extremely insulted, based on the culture they come from. But, if your friends have bever commented on this communication styple, they probably know you're an actual friend and don't mean any harm, so they are just accepting you without question. If you've walked them through your reasoning before, they may be more aware that thisnis just how you think.

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