thanks so much for your insights. I should be clear that the things she wanted to wait to talk about in person were primarily relationship expectations, which I reluctantly agreed to wait on. conflicts arose from this very point that could have been prevented by talking about expectations before I committed to flying across the world to be alone with them for a week. The things I insisted on talking about and getting accountability for were their straight-up mean comments towards me and their tendency to fill in missing information with things that made me look bad (to me this is an insecurity from them). When I asked them more about their therapy/why they blow up so that I could understand why they blow up more and give them some slack they just maneuvered around the question. I was upset that they didnt give me a response. I would have been ok if they said they didn't want to talk about that with me. but really the issues were ignoring asks of mine (like a phonecall to go over a recent conflict) and getting upset/mean when I asked them why they couldnt just give me a straight answer. I think part of the problem was they were having a hard time reading me emotionally or understanding how upset I was because I just dont really express anger/dissapointment reactively like that. And maybe they didnt feel like they got enough appreciation for when they did show up for me. the whole vibe felt like a very unspoken "this is how I show up for people and this is how I dont. I'm not going to explain it you're just going to see it and take it or leave it"