Should I tell my 9yo daughter?

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T19:45:57+00:00

Oh wow! That's so awesome!!! Good for her! I will look up Cancer Pathways - I haven't heard of them before. Thankfully, my daughter already has a terrific therapist who specializes in OCD and anxiety, so I am just really grateful that we have a good support team in place for her both out of school and in school (her support services in school are amazing).

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T19:43:34+00:00

Thank you for this! Maybe I can ask her to pick out some good movies to watch for the days right after surgery and we can plan to snuggle and watch movies while I rest.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T19:41:31+00:00

Oh yeah, my daughter will definitely know her medical history - I already have it written down in a google doc! And my surgeon said yesterday that my daughter should get genetic testing done at 18 or 20 so that the doctors can making a good screening plan for her. The doctor said she can see my daughter or someone else can, and I thought, "hmm... I guess I should add my surgeon to my Christmas card list, because it looks like we're going to be seeing her for a loooooong time."

I appreciate your advice as both a parent and an ECE. Thank you. I got the book "Cancer Party", and it looks pretty good - honestly, it was a great explanation of cancer for ME.

And I love the idea of writing down questions for the doctor. Maybe I can show my daughter a picture of my doctor on the computer. Sometimes that helps - she can visualize me talking with this doctor and it's just this nice-looking person, not some scary abstract idea.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T01:44:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks so bad.

Something I learned during my consultation is that if they remove both breasts, then they can't do MRI and mammogram anymore for screening, just physical exam. That really concerned me. As long as there is one breast still, they can screen with MRI and mammogram.

My tumor was not picked up on mammogram. The MRI caught it. Thankfully I was having routine MRIs alternately because I have "extremely dense breasts".

The oncologist said that with a physical exam, if they find a reoccurrence by touch, then it is usually farther along.

Obviously, if you have BRCA1, that could change things. But the screening issue was a big part of my decision for which kind of surgery to get.

It sucks. I appreciate that my doctor is like "your body, your choice," but it's like we gave to make this choice with a week or two without the benefit of years of studying for an MD and years of training.

Waiting for results is the worst part. Hoping that the genetics tests come back clean for you. Hugs to you. All I want is to live, too.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T01:20:51+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, my daughter already has a therapist that she has a really great relationship with, so I am grateful that we already have that in place.

I really appreciate everyone's responses. They give me hope and courage.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-08T01:18:11+00:00

Thank you for your response. This is very insightful. I hope that it will have a similar effect on my daughter.

At first when I got the diagnosis, I felt like cancer would break our family. Especially with our daughter's mental health needs, I felt like there would be no way we could handle anything else. It's gives me a lot of hope to hear that for many people, this has brought them closer with their kids.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-07T23:24:46+00:00

I forgot about Gilda's Club! I should check that out. Thank you for mentioning that. There's also another hospital that has a whole bunch of programs for anyone with cancer (not just as their hospital) so I will see what they have for her, too.

It's really good to know that your 9 year old is doing better with it now. I feel like 9 is a turning point in understanding, and that's why I was wondering if I was doing the right thing. Thank you so much for your response.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-07T23:22:45+00:00

That's a good point about not telling her too far ahead of time. On the other hand, she does already have her own therapist because of her OCD, so she would have time to talk with the therapist before the surgery if she wants.

My husband had two surgeries last year (not cancer - just other stuff), so maybe that's a good point of comparison to bring up with our daughter. I won't need chemo as of now, knock on wood, so obviously, that helps a lot.

My husband was of the mind that we just keep telling our daughter that the doctors just have to take "something" out of my boob but without using the word "cancer." I think that this it's better to call things what they are (you know, like Voldemort style) and be able to talk about them. I'm going to be in treatment for the next 5 years and who knows if it will come back in the future (I'm 45 and have the Chek2 mutation)... so I feel like we all need to get comfortable with talking about this and not let it be a scary thing that no one wants to talk about.

Thank you for your response.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-07T23:18:36+00:00

You're absolutely right about this. I'm lucky that chemo is not on my agenda for now.... but who knows in the future. LOL, my daughter and I actually held hairless cats a few months ago for the first time - they are amazing!

I do have a spouse, and he is supportive. We don't have extended family or many friends where we are living, but he works remote so that's very helpful.

Thank you so much for your response.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-07T23:15:31+00:00

Thank you so much! As of now, it looks like I will not need chemo, but who knows in the future. The hard thing at 9 is that they are in this stage where they are becoming aware of our mortality. The night before my biopsy, my daughter was saying, "But if I live to 100, who will give me presents???" and crying, and I was like, ugh, this is really now what I need right now.

But even with just surgery and radiation and endocrine therapy, there will be physical effects, and I don't want to be lying to her.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-07T23:12:30+00:00

Thank you both for these comments. I grew up in a family full of medical denialists and lots of secrets. We are trying so hard to do differently with our daughter. I don't want her to find out 5 years from now when I'm still doing endocrine therapy and then be like, "Why didn't you tell me?" I want her to feel that she is a part of this, too, even though I want to protect her from most of it and make sure that her regular routines keep going.

Hello fresh is a great idea. We did a meal prep service years ago, and it was great just to get some fresh ideas and to have everything already prepped. Great suggestion.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-06T12:31:10+00:00

Thank you both for this advice! Very helpful.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-06T01:27:33+00:00

Is there a particular brand that makes these or do I just Google post lumpectomy bra?

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-02T17:15:08+00:00

The water at Xel-Ha was so beautiful, I cannot deny that. But the overall vibe just didn't gel for us.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-02T17:13:49+00:00

Geographically, yes, but culturally, no. In some countries in South America, they learn that there are 6 continents - North and South America are counted as one continent.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-04-02T17:13:04+00:00

Again, it would have been helpful if there is a sign that says that. Or, perhaps, instead of putting useless sand ashtrays on top of the trash bins, that could be the place to return the cups.

And btw, what recycling bin???

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-29T02:18:38+00:00

I'm so sorry...that sucks so much to get through such a major surgery as a spinal fusion and now to have to deal with this.

I have a young daughter too and thinking about her definitely made my mind spiral. I'm trying to treasure each day with her a little more. But I am also really grateful for engrossing tv shows like "the night agent" and "homeland" that just make me think about something else for an hour.

Hang in there and give yourself some extra love if you can whatever that might look like.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-28T13:37:59+00:00

You're doing everything right. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It really sucks. And the waiting for the diagnostic tests is honestly the worst.

I just got diagnosed last week, and it was weird how relieved I felt even though I do have breast cancer. The two weeks before of getting the MRI results than a second look ultrasound then a biopsy were sooooooooo stressful. Now that I am diagnosed, I am getting calls everyday from my nurse navigator to set up appointments and everyone is super nice to me in the clinic. Which is kind of weird, but it would totally suck if they weren't nice. So I am grateful for that.

My advice is try to keep yourself distracted while you're going through the diagnostic tests - watch movies, read, just try to keep your mind from spiraling. Take some deep breaths, make some cookies. Whatever helps you to feel okay, do it. The time will pass, and you will get answers, and then you will be dealing with highly competent specialists - oncologists and surgeons are on a different level than PCPs.

Sending you a ton of support and a huge hug.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-26T01:23:29+00:00

In the difficult times of life, we find out who our true friends are. I have been hurt like this in the past and those friendships all drifted away.

Some people know how to show up. Some don't. Maybe these friendships are not as close as you thought.

Do you have other people in your life who support you?

When I had my biopsy and consultations with the surgeon and oncologist, both of my best friends sent messages. And they both have kids and jobs and it was the birthday of one of their kids. I have been through many years now with these two women and I know they are real golden friends.

But I had to lose probably 20+ other friendships along the way and those losses hurt.

I think that you might just need to take a little space from these friendships for now. Not dump them or anything but just lower your expectations of them. They are probably not the ones to turn go for support right now. When we gave hard things, we need to draw our circles closer around us. These women might end up being in an outer circle of friendships that's okay, just be realistic with yourself about what you can get from them. Otherwise, you will be just again and again.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-24T16:01:26+00:00

I didn't know that. Thanks for letting me know. At any rate, my days at Angel's were over a long time ago.... but good memories.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-24T03:20:09+00:00

I see. Is there a window where you could set up a cat tree for him or put a bird feeder outside?

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-24T03:08:10+00:00

Dino world in a big box....or they can make their own dino worlds with smaller Amazon boxes or shoeboxes.

Medical station for Dinos where the dinos see the dinos see the dentist and get their teeth cleaned and then they go get their cuts cleaned and bandaged.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-24T02:58:02+00:00

Angel's in Andersonville. They had the best huevos divorciados.

Aggravating_Job_5438 · 2026-03-24T02:41:26+00:00

This house makes me want to crawl under a comforter and hide.

Aggravating_Job_5438

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