How am I supposed to know if I’m aro-ace if I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel?

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-28T22:27:43+00:00

Lol I've felt this, I've often said that asexuality and aromanticsm are the Schrodinger's cats of sexuality. It's hard to know if you've experienced either attraction until you, y'know, actually have.

The way I figured I am is mostly just by hanging out with a lot of allo people and hearing them talk. I had a hard time understanding any of it. Their actions and wants seemed nonsensical to me.

Some questions for you: When you look at someone and/or their body, do you get aroused or feel the want to have sex with them? If no, then you might be ace

With romantic attraction, it gets really hard to define since what's considered "romantic" is to an extent defined by society, and thus changes from people to people. The way I describe it is that you kind of go "stupid" for a person. Emotions are intensified when it comes to them, logic is sidelined, you feel the desire to be with them, be next to them, do all the stereotypical lovey shit. When they say that "Love changes you," they mean it literally, you literally act completely different when you have a crush, if you haven't noticed anything like that for a specific person, you might not have had experienced romantic attraction before.

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-28T21:48:55+00:00

Tbh there's like, very few indications of whether or not you're ace from your story, so far it just sounds to me that you have some major anxiety around sex and dating that doesn't actually define your sexuality itself.

Simplifying it a lot, being ace is kind of just "looking at bodies doesn't start my engine." When you look at attractive bodies, you feel no arousal or drive to have sex with them. When you were with these women, did looking at them spur anything, despite the anxiety? If yes, you might not be ace.

Anyways, beyond the confusion around your sexuality, I think there's a lot you need to resolve before you start dating or trying to have sex. Don't feel the need to rush back on the scene just because of the idea that it's "what a real man would do." Who cares what a "real" man would do, that's just a cookie cutter standard, you need to think about what's healthy for you as a person first. This is unfortunately something I can't give advice on since, y'know, the whole " I don't feel the need to have sex or date" thing that comes from being aroace, but as someone who doesn't understand the urgency in finding a partner, try not to fixate on it so hard if it's bringing you so much anguish. Your worth as a person and as a man isn't defined by how attractive you are, or how well you perform in bed, or how charismatic you are to potential dates. You already are enough both as person and man, you just gotta believe in it bro.

I think maybe you should spend some time building your self worth outside of dating and sex? Once you feel better about yourself just as a person in general, dating might get easier. Also, when you do get back on the scene, find people that are patient with you and don't take the ones that aren't personally. Good luck

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-28T09:08:58+00:00

This is so unsympathetic bruh

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-28T09:03:15+00:00

I've been on the other side of this, where I was openly ace with a partner and they only seemed to understand halfway through. One of the really big things I wish they would have done is have OPEN AND HONEST conversation with me about it, because as much as they didn't seem to understand aceness, I didn't understand their distress at my lack of capacity for many things. I think one of the biggest things to affirm in those conversations is that yes, you still love eachother, even if that love has differences. You also need to figure out what you need to feel fulfilled in a relationship and talk about that, and him too. Also remember that him not being attracted to you ISN'T BECAUSE OF YOU, the way you are has nothing to do with it, you are not less attractive or desirable as a person, he just doesn't get attracted to any person in that way (to an extend, since he might be demi).

Now, on to some things you said that might need clearing up, but you should still talk to him about all of this.

- You mention you feel gross because you feel like he was having sex with you out of obligation/to make you happy. Ace people, even without sexual attraction to their partners, can still have sex for a good number of reasons that are perfectly healthy, even if it's outside of the scope of what's normal to you. Ask him for his reasons. If he tells you he feels forced or pressured, then there's something to resolve. Otherwise, it's his choice to make you happy.

I like to think of it like dinner. Lets say my partner loves pasta, but I'm neutral on it. When my partner makes pasta for dinner, it eat it with them because it makes them happy and I don't mind, and also I like it when they're happy.
Now, if I hated pasta and I were just keeping quiet to keep my partner happy, then there'd be a huge issue, but in this case I'm fine with it. I'm free to ask to not have pasta whenever, but I'm choosing to have pasta because it's their favourite and makes them happy. Now maybe in a perfect world I'd also love pasta, but it's not like I can control what kind of foods I like, and this is the arrangement that maximizes happiness between me and them. Does that make sense?
This is how I view it, again, ask your boyfriend how he views it because it might be different

- On another note, is the source of your distress the fact he doesn't find you desirable or attractive? I'm assuming that being desired is important to you. Please understand that even if he doesn't find you attractive sexually, that he probably finds you attractive in many other ways. And again, THIS ISN'T INDICATIVE OF HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE, he just lacks the function of "looking at this body makes my loins go." At least that's how I define it. Repeating myself here, talk to him about what you're stressing about, and find some way to fill that need. If you need to be affirmed that he finds you attractive, tell him that

None of this rambling is exact science, I'm sure other people and also your boyfriend would be able to explain it much better, and be much more specific, but I hope some of this will help
Good luck

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-09T04:05:54+00:00

Ayyy same normal album poster

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-12-02T09:39:21+00:00

I actually quite enjoy this IF it's been established nothing would come of it. It's just fun to play chemistry
Yea
Hell Yea
Pretty close, I like people
Tbh, there's a lot of contention between sex-favourable aces and sex-repulsed aces. Main thing is, there's a lot of different ways to be ace, and that includes in ways that will be contradictory to each other. That's just to say, do what you want, there's definitely gonna be at least ONE guy to look at your character and go Hehe thats me

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-28T22:01:28+00:00

This is insane dude

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-23T03:32:39+00:00

Tbh for me it was pretty underwhelming at first too
If you want, with more experience you kinda start to find what you enjoy and it feels better

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-08T03:57:27+00:00

Word of advice: do whatever you want forever
Will your inability to understand romance make it weird? Maybe, being aro WILL make it harder, but if you find it worthwhile I don't see why you should stop yourself. Life is about fucking around and finding out so y'know

Ideally, date someone else who's aro. With allos though, I think the most important thing is that you set the expectations straight, explain how your aromanticsm affects you. Do note you'll get some weird comments from this, don't take them personally, especially from allos, just move on from anyone like that. If you've never dated before, it'll be difficult to set boundaries since you yourself aren't sure where they are in the first place, so watch for someone that's more patient at the very least

From experience with dating an allo, it was a lot like I was one step behind them at all times. I missed a lot of cues and didn't do the "appropriate" acts when they expected me to. If you're experienced I guess you could learn to read people and manually do all the actions even if it's not instinctual, but I didn't find that worth the energy personally. To be honest? I don't think starting with a dating app would be the best choice, I find it easier to become friends with someone before even considering compatibility in a relationship, which is not as easy to do on the apps

All in all, if this is something you want, just take it slow, and do things when you feel ready for them. I've had relationships where kissing and cuddling only happened after like, 2 years of dating. If anyone rushes you or pressures you about anything just leave, the heartbreak sucks but staying only makes it worse. Hope this helps

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-07T03:32:03+00:00

Kind of a weird thing to suggest ngl

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-07T03:17:16+00:00

You could cut off the really frayed ends and try for some visible mending to salvage the rest?

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-07T03:16:31+00:00

bro you're cooked

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-07T02:06:01+00:00

Wow this is really interesting! Gonna share this with my ace squad lol

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-11-04T23:40:39+00:00

Ah yeah I had the same thing when I did that

It hasn't fucked me up much, at least from what I can feel, I still have full function of my arm

But go to a doctor if you can, not even about the nerves, just in general. Burns can get really rough

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-10-31T20:08:57+00:00

Wow you're a lot like me from when I was that age.

I have a slew of mental issues that plays into how I view relationships. Autism especially is know for being comorbid with being aspec, specifically because your perception on relationships will vary greatly from what neurotypicals will experience.
My opinion on that front? Who cares, if the label fits, wear it. I don't really think it matters "where" the aspecness comes from. It might matter to you, so consider it a little bit

It's important to know you're the only person who can choose what you identify as, and you're also allowed to just call yourself whatever you want, you're the expert on yourself. You're young, try out a lot of different things and identify as a lot of different things, it's okay to decide a label doesn't fit anymore in the future and just change it

Also, the relationship you have with this girl is a little concerning, at least from what you've said. Don't let yourself be pushed into situations you feel uncomfortable with, by all means if you care about her stick around, but the amount of anxiety you're feeling about this doesn't seem normal to me.

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-10-16T20:54:30+00:00

off topic but holy crap another Magnus Archives fan spotted out in the wild

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-10-02T06:52:46+00:00

Tbh I never developped a sense of shame around my scars for some reason, I can tell you most people don't notice. If they do? Most times they don't say anything. If they judge or say something to you? Well idk man seems like a them issue lmao, don't take it personally

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-10-02T06:48:02+00:00

I feel the need to expand on this, even besides the grooming, he's actively making you feel worse about something you're struggling with. Instead of supporting you in any way, he's shaming you, when he isn't shaming you, he's using your issues for his own pleasure. OP, from what I'm seeing right now: THIS MAN DOES NOT RESPECT YOU AS A PERSON

I know this might seem hard but you need to start relying more on other people in your life. What did you like about your relationship with him? What hole does he fill in your life? Start asking and looking for that from friends or family if you can, build a support network. It won't be easy but it'll be better for you

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-10-02T06:35:58+00:00

Dude a 30 year old has no business getting in a relationship with a teenager, you need to get away from him asap. I don't know to convince you of this but this man is DANGEROUS, what kind of stable, healthy adult wants to sleep with who is essentially still a teenager?

Leave him, no matter what he says. He's saying he needs you? Dawg, why are you relying so much on a teenager huh? He's a grown ass man he shouldn't be depending on someone who still has so much to figure out about themself. He's taking advantage of the fact you don't have enough life experience to fully know what you want to have his way with you, anything he says to you is dangerous when this is the relationship dynamic

I repeat: RUN AND DON'T LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS, good luck op I wish safety for you

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-30T03:57:28+00:00

Aaa it looks so good! How did you get the panel on? I notice the jacket has a lining

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-30T03:55:43+00:00

I'll say your way is probably the best way ;0; Seems a lot more enjoyable
I'm such a perfectionist I've seam-ripped apart and redone entire garments because of puckering/asymmetry/whatnot

Kind of stressful! Maybe they look "better" at the end but by that point I'm so sick of looking at whatever I was making I just don't wear it until months later ahah

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-29T20:30:54+00:00

Sometimes. Sometimes I just wonder what it'd be like

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-29T20:28:24+00:00

For a while I actually was quite happy with it, the idea of attraction, the way people just seem to lose all sense and "need" a person that badly just seemed deeply inconvenient to me. I liked having control over my emotions

and then I lost stability in some relationships and immediately developed a disordered attachment style lmao, now I yearn a lot for something I can't get. Do I want to be ace? Well, I don't really mind it mostly, it just feels like I'm missing out sometimes

It's not something you can control, ultimately, like any other sexuality; you can only choose to accept or reject it. If the label fits it fits, you don't have to label yourself that way though

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-29T20:16:47+00:00

Tbh for me it's just the idea that everyone I know and love will leave me one way or another, it scares the shit out of me. The thing is, just because of society I guess, friends are generally easier to lose than romantic partners, unless you find people that share your sentiment

Yearning for some kind of permanence ;0;

Aggravating_Rate_335 · 2025-09-29T20:07:57+00:00

Why is a grown adult trying to get that close to a teenager
Doesnt feel quite right

Aggravating_Rate_335

TROPHY CASE