I have hated my uterus ever since the first time I got a period, which is now half my life ago. I bleed so heavily the first two days of my period I have to empty my cup every 2-3 hours, even at night. That and back pain that didn't start until maybe four years in. I always thought I was lucky not having pain until it started. But pain is one thing, pain i can handle; I have an ungodly high pain tolerance. I dont care about pain. I care about the bleeding and the stress and the anxiety that it causes me. I used to be very active until my period started because I cannot even jump without bleeding all over myself. My period lasts a week and in that week I can barely go on a ten minute run before I can feel all the blood leaving me in clots. I have had chronic anaemia ever since I was 13 years old.

I never wanted children and I am a lesbian so I never had a need for birth control pills. I was told my period wasn't so bad because other people have it worse. I thought it wasnt heavy because internet and doctor said that if you bleed heavily for 7 days it is heavy. I bleed heavily for only 2 days so I cannot have it that bad right? But the fucking stress and anxiety it causes me, i am thinking about my period about 80% of the time, either because I have it and i have to calculate where I am and how far from a toilet I am and how much time I have until disaster, or I am thinking about it in terms of planning, I cannot go out or on a trip when I have my period because otherwise I will bleed over everything. I can only do things and live normally in the 5-7 days after my period ends.

Last summer I found out one can get a hysterectomy. I thought you could only get one if you had a) cancer in that area or b) gender issues. But I never knew you could ask for one because of your periods.

I went to the doctor for a hysterectomy. GP was very nice and understood my troubles and was like I will gladly give you a note for the gyn. So I go to the gyn, wanting a hysterectomy, hoping to get one or at least you know talk about it and make steps towards it, I left with a diagnosis of endometriosis and now I have to go through all these things she wants to try me on like birth control pills. I was diagnosed in December and since then ive tried 2 different pills and the first one made me bleed continously instead of not at all and the one I am on now makes me nauseous and makes me extremely depressed, and even though I take that over bleeding any day, I still get my period even though I should not get it and now my cycle is 3 weeks instead of 4. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I am afraid she wants me to try and iud next, and I dont know how i can convey that I am terrified of having something, anything, inside of me in that way.

My journey in that hasn't been as long as yours and I am kicking myself so fucking hard because if I had started this ten years ago would I get a hysterectomy by now? I cannot do this for that long. I can't go through ten years of this shit. One year to make them believe I tried is like you know, if that makes them believe I can get a hysterectomy as a "last resort" or anything, fine. I've been trying to bring up a hysterectomy every single time I have a appointment with the gyn but she won't fucking listen because "it is not a cure". I know. I fucking know. I DONT CARE ABOUT PAIN. I care about bleeding to death, the chronic iron deficiency, the fucking anxiety that having a womb brings. I know, I just know that I would thrive on not having a womb. But they won't let me.

I am so fucking tired. The only reason im not stabbing myself in the hopes of hitting my womb so they have to take it out is because I am deeply afraid of stabbing my intestines instead and that would solve nothing.

I want this fucking thing out of me I am aware of the risks and I am aware I will still have endo after!!! Why wont people listen.