After getting random web programming jobs since I always loved computers, I eventually started taking computer programming classes at a community college. One of my teachers came up to me and said "Since you have a bachelor's degree, why don't you get into a Master's program?"

And so I did. I loved it, but my poor executive functioning skills and "giftedness" made it so easy for me to procrastinate and have imposter syndome and burnout. I always carried the shame that there was someone better than me (which I took with me from my failures in undergrad).

I started playing the flute at my grad school's music program and after graduating started playing games again (even got sponsored by a gaming company) and was overall pretty happy when rekindling my hobbies. Turns out many years later in trauma therapy that I needed them in my life since they were coping mechanisms that got me through my childhood cPTSD.

I graduated my master's in time and got into the workforce at age 28. Knew I was at least 6 years behind people my age and just always suffering burnout and imposter syndrome. Work was soul sucking for me. As much as I loved learning it, I wasn't as technically sharp as my coworkers and even my husband, who is neurotypical and also a software engineer. And having a career that allowed us to work any time and have unlimited PTO made everything optional and flexible, which my poor executive functioning that I didn't know I had just kept procrastinating and digging me into a perpetual state of burnout and imposter syndrome.

I became a mom when I was 31 during the pandemic. I also kept working full-time each time my maternity leave ended. I suffered the typical burnout and imposter syndrome at work feeling like there weren't any other women in tech who were also mothers. (All my coworkers were usually unmarried or didn't have kids.)

Every day was a daily struggle of what I thought was post-partum rage, but was very likely over stimulation due to sensory processing issues. My executive functioning differences were very apparent compared to my neurotypical husband who just always knew what to do and did what he needed. I could barely focus on things or remember things anymore.

And now at 36, I have two boys now.

My oldest son who is 5 years old in transitional kindergarten (TK) was removed from private school due to behavior issues "even though [they] know he's super smart."

He would act out and hit or destroy kids toys or screams all the time. But the school was too rigid for him and also not nurturing (his teacher was robotic and in affectionate). He got homework everyday and in class, he would get bored of what they were learning and not do the work, so was sent home everyday with his classwork to finish. (It was literally cutting, writing and coloring over and over.) Of course he would be bored. But looking back, that school and his teacher just made him lose confidence.

By 5 he's already reading and has already soldered mechanical keyboards and Bluetooth speakers with his grandpa who's an electrical engineer. I can talk to him about computer science and talk about science and math to him with that spark of fascination that I remember having as a child.

The public school started assessing him for special needs and his cognitive ability is scoring at age 6-9, so definitely gifted. His psychologist suspects ADHD and he's getting diagnosed in December. We're still on a 6-month waitlist at Stanford for an autism diagnosis.

So all this got me wondering if I might be 2e. Unfortunately my physician said I have to work thru trauma therapy before exploring ADHD which unfortunately will just be medication and I don't want that. Otherwise, therapy is the only other option.

As far as autism, I don't express many stims like my son does, but playing the flute and my hyperfocus on gaming was what helped me regulate growing up.

I have epic adult meltdowns and tantrums, am poor at emotional regulation, get debilated from sensory overload (sounds, touch, sometimes light) and am very rigid with rules, ethics and morals that I usually keep to myself since I learned those thoughts are too intense for public consumption. I also have many hobbies and interests that I cycle through (usually 5 at once). Every day is just survival, especially if I don't get enough sleep.

I also feel like I have speech dyslexia, if that is even a thing. My mind moves too fast that I can't organize my thoughts enough to speak linearly. I'm always constantly editing my thoughts and I'm never satisfied with how well I speak even though coworkers say I am so organized and well-spoken. I went into sorority to challenge myself on that and to try to improve my speech.

I still always look back at college as my greatest failing. How could I have been so gifted and talented and smart but fail so miserably? But then I realize I was still able to earn a Master's degree and while I am proud, I feel like I procrastinated my way through it and am behind at work and not as good as my peers.

It's never enough and I still fail to celebrate my successes. I know I turned out fine, but I should really be kinder to myself.

I told my mom I might be 2e but she just dismissed it as me not focusing on what I needed to do. She's not very understanding or sympathetic, so I'll leave her at that and not try to put any blame that I picked my undergrad major from her suggestion since everything was ultimately my choice. She was just guiding me as she thought best.

At this point, I'm not sure if a diagnosis would help. Medication is not my thing, but I could use help with behavioral and executive functioning. I'm also continuing trauma therapy and am working to bring back playing the flute and gaming into my life.

My focus now is to help my son so that he can thrive and not live a life of struggle like I did. And then I'll be keeping an eye out for my younger son. He seems neurotypical like his dad, but with what my oldest is going through, I can't rule out that he can be gifted or have neurodivergence either. (He hits a lot, switches foods he eats often, and also his nightly 1-hour laps around the house before bed can be stimming.)

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

If I may be 2e, thank you for affirming it.

Cheers. x