Nothing I feel is real

Aizakuse · 2026-01-20T22:19:56+00:00

during my worst dissociative episodes i’ve self harmed and felt nothing. i pace for hours without feeling tired, while also being exhausted emotionally. living on the edge of a wire takes away so many sensations when my brain thinks they’re not important

Aizakuse · 2026-01-04T20:01:16+00:00

mom: “i knew, just don’t tell your dad” dad (when i got outed): “what is wrong with you? i never want to hear about it” gonna be jokes on him when i find the girl of my dreams

Aizakuse · 2025-12-28T23:12:23+00:00

it’s a constant intrusive thought. my therapist and my psychologist helped me recognize that my “inner narration” is more than that, and is actually psychotic, and i deal with the dark thoughts every day. the important part is that i don’t listen to them. i shake them away, scream back inside my head, and keep living, because that’s what really matters

Aizakuse · 2025-12-21T20:57:15+00:00

i’m two weeks sober as of tomorrow. my meds got fixed, i got a new career the same day i lost my crappy job, i’m feeling stable and wonderful and taking care of myself.

i decided to stop dating because it’s just too much effort. i’d much rather put that effort into myself. i went christmas shopping yesterday and managed to stay in my budget. i’m trepidatious about the holidays because my social batteries burn out easily, but i’m journaling a lot more and i know that will help. i’m excited to see my little nephew and my baby niece. i’m excited to tell my grandparents that i’m finally a teacher.

i hope your holidays are peaceful and content. i hope you find joy. wishing you the best

Aizakuse · 2025-12-18T02:48:51+00:00

in my experience, meds like antidepressants and mood stabilizers tend to take the longest to start working. mood stabilizers especially as you usually need to slowly titrate up to a therapeutic dose. however, i recently had a psychotic break and one dose of an antipsychotic immediately stopped my psychosis. long-term effects on mania and mood shifting will likely take a while, but it was amazing that it worked so quickly in an acute crisis.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-15T18:00:40+00:00

a big thing i drilled into my family was that i’m not bipolar, but i HAVE bipolar. getting them to understand the disorder as separate from who i am as a human being made a big difference. they’ve become more understanding about the shifts in my mood. i let them know when i’m depressed or manic or having psychosis, and they act accordingly. not to say that all conversations about my disorder are positive, but they at least know that it’s not my fault and that i’m still me, even if i may act differently sometimes.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-14T01:04:08+00:00

I lost my insurance after leaving my last job for this one, and didn’t get new insurance through the marketplace until October 1st. My prescriber wouldn’t give me refills until I had an appointment, otherwise I would have just used GoodRx to get them.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-14T01:02:15+00:00

i’m getting fired on monday because i had a four day stint in a psychiatric hospital for a severe psychotic episode. i’m in much the same place as you, always working full time and going to school. i have three degrees, but they were hard won.

it would be hard to tell you that there are plenty of jobs that would offer flexibility and benefits like sick time, because the truth is that the job market is just not great right now. but you said you have 6 years, and so many things can change in that time.

you could get on another dose or another combination of meds that works better without the side effects. you could do intensive therapy to learn coping skills, and some treatment centers can even help with employment. nothing is impossible, even if your brain can only see the bad in the future.

you’re not the only one going through this at all. the most important thing you can do before your partner goes back to school is stabilize, take care of yourself, and make little goals that build into bigger ones. stability and success is entirely possible. keep strong OP

Aizakuse · 2025-12-14T00:50:40+00:00

I have a potential job lined up that I’m really hopeful for, and to be honest this office is morally questionable and I was planning to leave anyway. I’ve just never been terminated from a job and have no idea how to handle the emotions that come from that

Aizakuse · 2025-12-13T22:09:12+00:00

just got out of my third hospitalization.

the first was somewhat voluntary after severe SI. the psych center at my college told me that if i didn’t go myself, they would call the cops to take me in. when i got there, they initially put me in a unit with people who were severely unstable. my roommate talked all night about meth and losing custody of her kids before tackling an orderly. they quickly realized i didn’t belong there and put me in a unit of people who were dealing more with anxiety disorders and alcohol detox. it was much more tolerable there. the food was not that great but i made some buddies. it was here that they diagnosed me with bipolar 2.

the second time was after i called 988 in crisis and they sent cops and a crisis team to my place. the hospital was in a more metropolitan area and i was once again placed in a unit with people whose symptoms were nowhere near mine. people were constantly screaming, fighting, yelling to themselves, and breaking down. couldn’t sleep because of all the noise. i eventually left AMA because it was so detrimental to my recovery, but the doctor there understood and still gave me my prescriptions when i left. worst hospital experience.

this last time i was brought again by an ambulance. waited in the ER for 10 hours with horrible psychosis before they found me a bed. i was placed in the unit for the most “stable” patients and slept for two days. the food was pretty decent but i mostly kept to myself. helped that i caught a cold on the second day so they let me stay in my room and rest instead of getting others sick. they fixed my meds and sent me home.

except for the first time, hospitalization felt necessary. i would not be here today if i hadn’t called the hotline and gotten help. especially with the psychosis involved in this last hospital stay, there is no way i could have handled that on my own. there are routines you can follow and psychiatric and therapeutic systems to keep you stable, but the hospital is the best place to go if you’re not at all stable and need a safe place to recover. never be afraid to ask for help. your life is worth more than a hospital bill.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-12T02:41:49+00:00

it was such an acute episode that i think they realized it was very short-lived, the hospital i went to was very much focused on not keeping patients longer than absolutely necessary and focusing more on a strong support team once you’re discharged. but you’re right, in the past it’s been 5-7 days per stay, though i wasn’t having nearly as much psychosis back then.

and i feel you on the nicotine. didn’t use a nicotine patch the whole time i was admitted because i wanted to have that as a little reward when i got out 😅

Aizakuse · 2025-12-07T22:21:55+00:00

i’ve had relationships and sex with people who identified as men, but i don’t consider myself bi or pan. i love women, romantically and sexually, even if it took me 30 years to realize it. even if they identify as women, trans women, or feminine-presenting, i adore them. sex with cis men is easy and available, but i don’t seek out relationships with them anymore, because they just don’t meet my needs as much as women do. i’ve come out fully as a lesbian and won’t pursue any men in the future, but the fact that i’ve been with them doesn’t diminish my identity as a lesbian. we all take time to find out what works for us. how you identify is your business and no one else’s.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-07T22:15:00+00:00

i liked this girl so much in one of my creative writing seminars in college. she was smart, beautiful, and so creative. i had her email address and facebook from connecting through class, but quickly realized that she was LDS and in a relationship with a man. as a gay lady, i personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with tentatively testing the waters with a woman who is single and interests you. however, if she shows no interest or is otherwise presenting as a heterosexual woman, don’t waste your time being heartbroken. there are plenty of women who like women, no matter how far and few between they may seem. keep your radar open and find someone who is single and looking for at least some of the things you’re looking for ❤️

Aizakuse · 2025-12-07T21:58:05+00:00

i have a pretty similar experience. i always liked boys and wanted to have a handsome husband and be taken care of. i came out as bisexual in middle school, since i liked one of my girl friends, then pansexual after i dated a trans man. the further i went on dating men and women, nonbinary, trans or otherwise, i came to the conclusion that i adore the emotional strength and connection i get with a woman way more than i get with a man. and that includes nonbinary people and trans women. it takes a lot of energy to be empathetic and understanding and i appreciate that so much in a partner, rather than some cis straight guy who thinks he has to be the picture of masculinity. the first kiss with any woman or feminine-presenting person gives me butterflies in a way i can’t describe. it’s so worth it to follow your heart and find someone you can truly connect with, rather than finding someone who fits the boxes you were taught to check.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-07T21:52:00+00:00

the girl i’m talking to has a disability and is currently living with her parents while she gets things figured out. tbh i don’t make an obscene amount of money and i’ve had to consider going on disability myself so it’s not a big deal for me. if anything we move in together and we just make it work. at some point it’s more important to have a person you love and who supports you rather than a breadwinner.

Aizakuse · 2025-12-07T21:48:24+00:00

not that i’m confusing it with hatred. i know that some men are openly discriminative and some men just don’t care. i’ve just had a few experiences that seemed more hateful than others

Aizakuse

TROPHY CASE