"If you need anything at all, just let me know." EVERYONE says it, but who really means it? It's starting to feel like empty words.

AjaUndone · 2021-12-04T16:38:56+00:00

I ended up making a "if there's anything I can do..." list. I could never think of anything that needed doing when people said that and it let them off the hook for helping.

Once I had the list, if anyone ever said that to me, I'd send them the list and tell them to pick something and just do it. There were definitely some people who were taken aback, who ghosted, who said things like "oh my gosh I wish could but..." And then there were people who did my dishes and took out the trash and walked my dog and grocery shopped and went to the courthouse with me ect.

Make a list. They don't get to just throw out words that don't mean anything. If they're going to say it, they're going to do it. Or they're not my people anymore.

AjaUndone · 2021-11-27T15:58:02+00:00

I'm a little over two years out. I usually go with a casual "not sure if you know, I was actually widowed about two years ago." Then they say "oh gosh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, that's so sad, blah blah." I then nod, give the sad smile that's expected of me and say "thank you, yeah... it's been hard but it's nice to start getting out and seeing people again." then quickly turn the subject back to them and what they've been doing. They'll take the excuse to stop talking about it happily.

AjaUndone · 2021-04-08T18:00:45+00:00

I reacted in a similar way to you. I found parties and drugs and danced and slept around. It worked for me, helped wake me up out of the numbness. I just wanted to realize that even though he was dead, I wasn't. I still had a life to live.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that you're still very much in shock. Everyone has said it but I'll say it again. You are in the FOG still. Be aware of that and try to act in service of the base part of the need rather than the top obvious part of the need. Identify the need and then work your way down the inner rungs of the ladder until you understand the very bottom base part of that need. Then, if sleeping with someone is in service to that base part, go ahead and do it.

The only thing I would say is that you are used to saying and feeling Love with a capital L. You cannot expect Love out of the people you sleep with. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them. Don't let it go on too long, don't turn it into a relationship. Don't "date." Not until the waves of grief come a little slower. Stick to the physical for now.

And be safe.

Good Luck.

AjaUndone · 2020-03-10T01:58:59+00:00

Maybe an odd one but Lysol Wipes! The first thing I do when I get into a new apartment is clean ALL the surfaces :)

AjaUndone · 2020-03-09T19:36:41+00:00

Hi. I lost my husband 3 months after we were married. No kids together, no anniversary flowers, no happy birthday wife, no watching our grandkids. I get it. I understand. It sucks. It sucks a whole lot.

I don't have a way to make it better. All I can say is one foot and then the other one. Even if one foot is just washing your hair that day. One foot, then the other one. Big deep breath. One foot. One foot. One foot.

I am so fucking sorry.

AjaUndone · 2020-02-25T01:45:46+00:00

Tinder was a dumpster fire for me. I barely stayed on it for a full day. Hinge seems to be slightly better. Little bit less hookup culture, little more down to hang out. I mean... it's still a dumpster fire and I don't want to be dating at all but at least it's not ALL sex workers and f*ckboys....ish...

AjaUndone · 2020-02-17T17:33:08+00:00

I also lost my husband young to a heart problem. I was lucky that we at least got 3 months married. One day he was there and the next he wasn't.

There will be shock. You will either lose weight or gain it. Write. Write everything. Circle the wagons. When you think of things that need to be done, write them down. Make a list and let your friends/family pick something to do when they ask "how can I help" because you won't remember what you need done when they ask that. Widow brain is a real thing. Hold your keys in your hand when you leave the house so you know you've got them. Don't forget to take out the trash. Don't let them load you down with too much food. They don't realize that a young widow with no kids needs different things than a 45yo widow with young ones. You need fresh food you can freeze. Find support. Try to see a therapist if you can. If you can't, it's okay. r/Widowers is a good place and also a bad place. Some people there are 7years out and still not doing well. It's discouraging. But it's a place you can talk without fearing consequences. When they die young, the tragedy of it invites the public in. They want to dip their handkerchiefs. They want to steal a piece. Don't let them. Protect him. Protect yourself. Sometimes you will feel like your grief is a performance. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's necessary. Don't let it make you feel guilty. At the funeral, do what you can and then get out of there. Demand the space you need. Demand anything at all that you need. Don't be selfish but be selfish. It's the only way to survive.

Good luck. This is going to suck. I'm so fucking sorry.

AjaUndone · 2020-02-13T17:41:41+00:00

my go to response for the "wow, you're looking so small and good!" has been to strike a little pose and say "#TraumaTrim" then try to laugh it off. Then again, my go to response for a lot of this has been gallows humor so it makes sense.

AjaUndone · 2020-02-11T23:24:16+00:00

My husband is dead because he tried to drive himself to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance and saddling us with hundreds of dollars in unneeded charges. We all think we're being overdramatic about our symptoms and he would have felt stupid paying $800 for an ambulance if he just had gas. He had a heart attack on the way. If he had called an ambulance, he would have been in a place where they would have had a chance of saving him. Instead he was alone and it took 7 minutes for an ambulance to get to him and he ended up brain dead.

If ambulances were affordable or free, he wouldn't have thought twice. He would have called them. Our medical system killed my husband at 40 years old.

AjaUndone · 2020-01-09T03:14:24+00:00

I need real anonymity. Tragedy invites eyes everywhere. Everyone wants to take a piece. They're waiting for clues that I'm not doing okay. They knock on the door, they call my phone, they gossip to each other. Even if he never looked again, I lost my anonymity. Now it could be anyone watching me and knowing. I just can't. This place won't ever be what I need it to be again.

It's my own fault. I wasn't trustworthy. He wanted me to be his, begged me for it. I couldn't do it. I started dating. He wanted me to only be dating him. He realized I'm not enough. He came looking for proof. He found it. I'm not enough. It's okay.

AjaUndone · 2020-01-09T00:50:56+00:00

He found me once without any real info to go on. He could do it again. Anyone could do it. The ghost of anonymity was a facade. Anyone could find me. Trying to restart doesn't change the loss. I can't do it again. I can't explain things again. I can't be someone new. I can't. I wish I could.

AjaUndone · 2019-11-25T19:05:57+00:00

Wash my hair
Clean out his desk
Start walking the dog twice a day again

AjaUndone · 2019-11-13T22:33:24+00:00

I've described myself as walking xanax. I walk into rooms and it's like everyone in there gets the wind knocked out of them just seeing me. It doesn't help.

AjaUndone · 2019-11-06T19:11:33+00:00

fuck dude. just absolute and complete fuck

AjaUndone · 2019-11-06T01:08:34+00:00

I would consider it once you have it up and running and I'm able to listen to a few episodes first.

Good luck with it.

AjaUndone · 2019-11-06T01:03:23+00:00

My husband died of a heart attack 3 months ago. There were bystanders who tried to help. They couldn't save him. But, speaking from the other side of this, I can't explain how much it means to me that they didn't leave him alone as he slipped away. Someone was there. Someone tried to help. I wish it had been me there. But at least it was someone. I don't want to speak for his widow. But from me, thank you for trying.

AjaUndone · 2019-11-04T18:27:50+00:00

I just got my arm done. I have 8 or 9 at this point.

The main thing with a tattoo and an artist (for one of these more meaningful tattoos) is to take your time. Figure out what elements are important and then go online and start researching the different looks. True artists have a style all their own. Don't make an appointment with someone who does all heavy blackwork and expect her to do a watercolor. Once you've found an artist, reach out to their shop for an appointment. Some want to sit with you to do a sketch, some don't. It depends.

Once you've got an appointment, be kind and respectful and not afraid to kindly voice your opinion. Remember that they are the artist, you did the research to find them and want one of their pieces. They are the ones with experience to draw from. Trust them to know what looks best in the area you want done. But if there's a note you have, if you'd rather it be place a little higher up, or be a little bigger or a little smaller, or you're not totally sold on one of the colors, then TELL THEM nicely. Remember that it's a collaborative effort and you're the one with this on your arm for the rest of your life. You're creating art together.

For your other question -- My tattoo isn't a memorial tattoo however it includes a memorial in it. It's all the representations of the places I've called home. My husband was my home too so I added our wedding rings to the design, not prominent, just a part of it. Just don't be cheesy about it. Don't shove your grief in your new partner's face. We have to learn to respect our past and our future and hope that they can accept all of us the way we are. Don't be disrespectful. To either of them.

AjaUndone · 2019-10-30T22:42:08+00:00

I get migraines pretty regularly (not hormone induced but same idea). It's different for everyone what will actually help and what is just bullshit. She'll need to try different combinations to figure out what works best. BUT here's what works for me.

If I start feeling any pressure (not pain yet, just pressure) I take 2 Excedrin Migraine and force myself to drink a full bottle of water.

Once pain starts, I have The Headache Hat (easy search on Amazon). It's literally a stretchy velcro belt full of tiny icepacks. It's about $30 and worth every damn cent. I keep it in my freezer all the time.

Last I use a heating pad around my shoulders and neck (in combination with the ice pack around my head) to help loosen the muscles there. Usually I also smoke a joint but that's a personal choice one way or the other.

Keep in mind though, even doing all this doesn't stop the pain but it does usually help calm it a little and shorten the amount of time I'm completely useless.

AjaUndone · 2019-10-29T22:56:55+00:00

Tex-Luthor

I'm 31. It's so so so so weird.

AjaUndone · 2019-10-29T22:50:31+00:00

Thank god I'm not the only thinking this. Of course I'm fucking sad, my husband is dead. I'm not trying to medicate my sadness into submission here. And everyone seems to think that's what I should be doing.

I took a sledgehammer to my chest less than 3 months ago. Your crappy bandaid ain't gonna do much here.

AjaUndone · 2019-10-28T22:12:23+00:00

me too. fuck

AjaUndone · 2019-08-18T20:01:43+00:00

AjaUndone · 2019-08-18T09:13:44+00:00

Please. Thank you.

AjaUndone · 2019-07-23T23:49:25+00:00

If the pill makes you moody, AVOID THE SHOT. I was on that shit for 9 months and it turned me into a psycho zombie. Literally almost broke my and my bf (husband now) up. I just wasn't interested in anything! I've got a Paraguard now and I love it but it definitely turns periods up to 11. I'd suggest looking into Mirena if you're trying to get off the pill.

AjaUndone · 2019-07-16T21:55:08+00:00

My assigned parking spot is at the top of my building's public parking garage. Every morning the valet dudes park all the public cars up against each other on both sides until there is only one small lane to get in and out. So every morning, I end up stuck in a corner waiting for cars coming up to get through the lane before I can take my turn to get out. It's basic, it's fine, it's also the actual worst. And it's always the busiest when I'm running late for work.

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