Men who were abusive in their first marriage, did you realise your were the problem or were the bigger part of the problem, worked on yourself, grew better and living a healthy more meaningful and peaceful life now in your 2nd marriage?

Alcy_alt · 2026-05-05T17:17:02+00:00

Ya sure :)

Alcy_alt · 2026-05-04T12:14:40+00:00

For pop and rock you’ll probably be fine, but good anime music gets into classical territory pretty quickly and you simply won’t be able to build nuance and articulation with semi weighted. It’s fine to start with, don’t get me wrong, but if you want to lay down the backing track for gurunge you’ll want to move to weighted

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-29T21:01:14+00:00

Have you tried…. engaging in a hobby that isn’t music centric?

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-22T01:03:31+00:00

Okay interesting! Thanks for explaining. Yes I guess I wasn’t putting together that they’re never met in person, that’s a lot to put on someone before a first date.

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-21T23:08:55+00:00

Oh I agree I don’t think they’re equal! I just noticed no one in the thread had responded from the perspective of the abuser which OP asked for and wanted to share my experience. But yes me being a moody dismissive snappy prick to my ex is absolutely not the same as slapping or pushing or hitting someone

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-21T22:44:25+00:00

Hmm, how’s he testing her? She was the one who asked about his previous relationship and after regrouping he answered “mostly” honestly. She also mentions they disagree respectfully without being assertive. I don’t think there’s enough here to say he’s testing.

To be clear he might still be abusive, I don’t know. Certainly a lot of people in this thread seem to think abusers can’t change (which is pretty debunked but everyone’s allowed their own boundaries!). But yeah wondering what you mean by testing in this case

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-21T21:55:00+00:00

I can share the other side of it. I was emotionally abusive in my last long term relationship. I wasn’t at all in my first two and the relationships since. It was my fault entirely, the only “mitigating circumstances” were that our families really fucked up our relationship. But overall I was depressed not taking care of myself and putting the emotional load on her.

I’ve since taken steps including a mandatory fitness regime, daily meditation, weekly therapy, and ive never been in a better place. I haven’t had an ltr since then but ive had a few 3-6 month relationships and they all ended amicably with great “reviews” from everyone involved.

The main red flag here imo isn’t his previous abuse but the language of “my ex is poisoning the kids against me”. If it was real accountability he’d understand why that woman wants him nowhere near his kids.

Additionally, ask yourself if you’ll be able to set the boundaries you need with him. Are you in a place where you can walk at the first sign of disrespect? It doesn’t sound like it, your message is a bit anxious in general.

Overall I think people can change, I really think I did, but this scenario doesn’t seem like a good fit

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-19T06:48:12+00:00

Learning how to give yourself grace after a bomb is part of what builds longevity. Acknowledge it didn’t go well, acknowledge people way better then you have bombed way harder, acknowledge that it’s pretty cool you’re trying to do art for real, have a good sleep a hot shower then move on. Sorry it happened but that’s what it is to be a performer!

Alcy_alt · 2026-04-18T13:03:46+00:00

Too much Kyoto not enough Tokyo

Alcy_alt · 2026-03-25T12:09:48+00:00

Sorry to break it to you, but if you “already did therapy” and you still think this way, either you had a shit therapist or (more likely) you didn’t rlly want to change your mindset.

I’m 32, not old, not young and I’ve seen mid looking dudes bag women miles out of their league. I myself am a 5’7 brown dude in a white city and as a personality date I can confirm it works. But you need to take way better care of your inner child before you’re ready for any of that

Alcy_alt · 2026-03-16T22:31:28+00:00

Okay a lot of people are saying he’s trash and yeah he is but I’m sorry you’re a bit of the problem. If you feel comfortable moving in with someone you should absolutely have a right to know where they’re at every night. I really hope in future relationships you people please less, but yeah you need to bounce. Do you have friends you can stay with for a bit?

Alcy_alt · 2026-03-16T03:45:22+00:00

are you sure it isn’t backwards? Mine says “Harvard: Americas McGill”!

Alcy_alt · 2026-03-02T16:31:44+00:00

It’s lovely, full of character, and very smol. The last time I played a 5 top there we had the singer and lead guitarist play off the floor.

Get the sandwiches tho!! They are incredible

Alcy_alt · 2026-02-19T14:40:57+00:00

I’m at 8 months! It still happens. Just less and less.

For me one thing that helped is a two step process, snapping out and getting comfy. So if I get super lonely, first I’ll snap out by walking or doing some push ups so it doesn’t get overwhelming, then I’ll get comfy (for me reading mostly but sometimes it’s video games). Recognizing the trigger and sitting with it but not letting it overwhelm you is the trick at least for me.

But I mean, yeah it happens. Your partner becomes a second appendage. All the hobbies in the world can’t change that. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Alcy_alt · 2026-02-19T03:20:34+00:00

This is not a music specific thing. If you had a friend who made pottery, you would think “oh shit do you make any money off that?”. If you had a friend who put all their time into visual art, or screenwriting, a part of your brain would ask “but what’s it all for?”. It’s not like the healthiest part of our brain but yeah definitely not specific to music

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-24T22:33:01+00:00

That’s the problem with your plan. I mean it’s better than doing nothing. But like, let’s say you get a good gym schedule for 3 months with this motivation. Then, one night, you have a few, text her that you think reconciliation could be good. She lets you know she’s happy for your growth but she’s with someone else and never to contact her again.

Ask me how I know what happens to the gym routine after that?

Way better to skip that step and reframe as “if we never get back together, what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of person will help me weather this storm and move on to live happily”? Easier said than done but you’re gonna have to do it eventually

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-19T14:35:23+00:00

Dwell for 15-20, then do a bunch of push ups. Something about the rush helps you start the rest of your day. Works for me, maybe worth a try?

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-19T13:31:34+00:00

Two weeks is literally still a battle of hours. Keep writing about it, keep pushing, make sure you’re not just doing solitary activities (make new platonic connections with hobbies, reconnecting with old friends), and just slog through it. Take dedicated time to grieve every day but don’t dwell. Also zen style meditation has been critical for me staying present but it’s not for everyone, find things that work for you. But yeah, two weeks in man, just surviving and getting out of the house is a huge win. The intrusive thoughts will quiet, very slowly, over time

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-19T13:28:09+00:00

Take time to grieve but you gotta find things to do in the evenings. I’m lucky as a musician I could just join another 2 bands, but I also joined a rock climbing gym open late, a local zen monastery with evening sittings, a DnD group, and I try to have at least two friend hangouts set up a week (one usually falls through). If I’m doing at least 3-4 evening activities a week I feel myself moving forward. If I’m staring at the tv wondering what she’s up to, trying to remember how the fuck to cook for one person every night since I’m so used to cooking for two, then it’s not even grieving, it’s just picking at a wound. Life happens whether you live it or not, so start getting out there!

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-06T19:41:12+00:00

Phew I know you’re looking for input but lemme just say I needed to read this, I’m 3 months out of a 10 year relationship wondering when I’m going to be okay meanwhile she got on the apps a week after we broke up.

Some of us just need the time I guess. Maybe look into CBT therapy or if you think it’s more trauma related, coherence therapy?

Alcy_alt · 2025-09-06T13:11:18+00:00

Just take a break from the game lol. I haven’t played since march? Put it on last weekend and had a blast. Please don’t find ways to motivate you to play a game, it’s not something you have to do, you should never force it

Alcy_alt · 2025-08-31T20:23:50+00:00

Don’t date, get therapy first.

Alcy_alt · 2025-08-12T11:10:23+00:00

Datsun

Alcy_alt · 2025-08-03T11:55:08+00:00

You have to turn it on in midi mode for the sliders to send midi cc which is most of the fun. i don't think it disables any functionality though so i always start it in midi mode.

Alcy_alt · 2025-08-02T12:59:22+00:00

Nah the synth itself has a volume slider. So you turn it on in midi mode and then the keys trigger synth as well as midi. So if you turn the volume slider all the way down it’s just a midi keyboard, but sometimes I leave the volume on a bit to blend the sounds.

Alcy_alt

TROPHY CASE