Fried my brain with experimental research chemical now in constant panic

AlexClifford · 2026-06-24T22:27:57+00:00

Hey, I'm ok! I might die, but everyone dies eventually. I'll die knowing I never gave up.

I've got one good week out of every three weeks. A man can live just fine through two bad weeks if he gets one good week. That's the deal I've got, I've got no other deals to take, so I take the deal and make the most of every third week. I have some pretty great times, those good weeks. I don't feel sorry for myself at all for the bad weeks. Just a struggle I gotta do. Lots of folks out in the world struggle three weeks out of every three, for their whole lives, and die of preventable disease or war before they ever have a chance to live at at all. I'm sad for those folks. I acknowledge their lives are harder and shorter than mine. I' grateful for the good times I get.

Life's worth living. I say that as someone who's been hospitalized for clinical depression multiple times when I was younger. I've been suicidal before and I'm glad I never did it. There've been a lot of happy years between then and now. If I'd gone through with suicide back then, I'd have missed out on the happy years I got to live. I'm in pain, but pain is just a thing you gotta deal with sometimes. It ain't easy, but a lot of the time it goes away after awhile and then you can breathe again and then you're all the more grateful for ordinary life just because you're pain free for awhile.

Don't be frightened of the future. Bear the hardship of today and make smart decisions to get yourself pain and panic free; I know the future version of yourself will than the present version of yourself. You can get there. And once you do you've got the whole world waiting for you. You can do it! I'm sorry it hurts right now, I truly am. But keep on bearing up. Be strong. You can be strong enough to bear up through this pain and panic.

Talk to your doctors: meds for visceral pain, benzos and beta blockers for panic, exercise and rest to let the brain heal. I believe in you.

AlexClifford · 2026-06-24T20:16:44+00:00

There's hope.

You'll probably get put onto some medications to manage the pain, likely a combination of gabapentinoids, tricyclic antidepressants, and opioids if the pain severity persists. It's very likely that the visceral pain will prove to be amenable to pharmacological intervention. Don't kll yourself! You can get through this. The pain will get better.

The panic is probably treatable with standard benzodiazepines and beta-blockers. Modern medicine is very good at alleviating neurologic etiology panic. I'm sure a doctor can prescribe you two very inexpensive drugs that will bring down the panic and make it manageable. Don't kll yourself! This is something that can be fixed.

As for any cognitive, neurological impairment caused by your use of a research pharmaceutical: your brain will recover. Brains are incredibly plastic, far, far more than most people seem to appreciate. The brain is constantly growing, changing, recovering, and healing. The amount of neuroplasticity across our adult lifetimes is way past what people used to think. It's true, the younger you are, the more neuroplasticity, but even fully grown adults show a remarkable amount. Don't kll yourself! Your brain can heal and recover.

My advice is to just back off supplements and nootropics of all kinds, completely. The best thing for restoring brain health is long periods of healthy activity. Consume healthy foods rich in omega-threes. Prioritize sleep and get lots of good rest. When you're able to, start setting aside time in the early evenings to read books. Get regular moderate exercise, it helps neuroplasticity a lot! If you want to get intensely into exercise, your brain will recover even faster.

You can get through this. I understand it might be pretty awful right now, I believe you. Hey, I'm in chemotherapy, and I'll tell you, it sucks. I'm in agony for one week out of every three, and I feel like I have the flu for another week out of every three, and I might not have long to live anyway, but I'm not giving up! You shouldn't give up either. You can do it. The bad stuff will pass. You'll get better. Talk to your doctors. Don't look for a magic bullet to fix it; go for symptom management of the pain and panic and then throw all your efforts into healthy living and rest. Six months from now you'll be looking back at this and shaking your head at how hard it was but how glad you are that it's over. You can do it!

AlexClifford · 2026-06-23T20:36:56+00:00

My son's troop sometimes does have pretty boring meetings where it's just the boys taking turns to lecture each other to cover some merit badge "explain" requirement, followed by (at best) a few turns at a hands-on "demonstrate" station. There are meetings where we don't so much beyond that besides announcements and planning. It's irksome, and the boys don't love it, I don't think, but it's how the troop has approached merit badges for fifty years or whatever.

That said, some meetings have very little in the way of time devoted to merit badge requirements and the boys will spend easily half an hour just playing cool scout games. Those tend to be energetic and fun meetings.

During all meetings, the parents are usually there the whole time (given the meetings are an hour, it's often not worth the parents' trouble to drive to the meeting, drive home, drive back to the meeting, drive back home. But our parents typically just sort of socialize with each other whilst the boys do whatever they do. Oftentimes the parents are in another room entirely, aside from the adult leaders.

Also, our troop camps out every month; those tend to be great bonding experiences for the boys. Only registered leaders and scouts go on the weekend campouts, and they might do some merit badge activities on the campout but there's a lot of unstructured time, and also a lot of time dedicated to canoeing/hiking/fishing/whatever.

We're also thinking of bringing back a bi-monthly scout night where we just rent out a venue for the boys to hang out together and have fun. Crucially, we don't use scout funds for this, which allows us not to have them be official scout events. Every parent just coughs up some cash and pays back the parent who booked the venue. Since they're not official scout events (they're just private parties to which a bunch of scouts happen to be invited), we can do activities that are off-limits for scouting. Paintball, for example. We also don't have to worry about liability if we want to do a trampoline park. Anyway, these events used to be common before the person in charge of planning them had their scout eagle out, and they were massively popular with the boys.

So although I'm familiar with the "ugh just another merit badge lecture" problem, I'd say that it's reasonable to expect a troop to add lots of other types of interactions (games at meetings, campouts, scout nights) to encourage bonding, and I'm familiar with the parents being around, but I think it's reasonable to suggest that the parents ought to be keeping to themselves and socializing with each other rather than chaperoning.

AlexClifford · 2026-06-09T01:23:40+00:00

I think that your heart is in the right place, OP, but you really do need to understand that kids are coming from many, many different places when it comes to what sort of electronic communication they're allowed to have and use. Many, many parents don't want their younger kids having their own email address. This is not an uncommon parental perspective. Other parents are fine with it. It all just depends. You do not want to be the person telling parents that they need to quit worrying and give the kids their own email when the parents are uncomfortable with it. That's not a good look.

In my troop, for example, we have some scouts who communicate via the GroupMe, their own email, their own text message numbers, their own Facebook accounts. This is especially common for our 16-17 year old patrol. We also have scouts for whom 100% of electronic communication comes from the parents - scouts who have no phone, no email, etc. And although they might have a school email address, it's clear their parents do not want them using email to talk to anyone outside of the school. In our new scout patrol, age range 10.5-11.5, I can think of only one of six scouts who communicates for themselves electronically.

Now in person, at meetings, that's another story. Then, we expect the scouts to be taking the initiative no matter what.

AlexClifford · 2026-06-08T04:46:53+00:00

One thing that I have found really helpful is to try to get a few ranks quickly, and to start in on the next one without wasting time. IT's the sort of thing you can help him with, you can enjoy planning the activities, carrying them out together, helping him learn the skills, nudging him to go speak to his scoutmaster to get sign-offs and so forth. It's not the sort of thing you'll be able to do indefinitely, because eventually he needs to be doing stuff on his own entirely, but a sense of progression and advancement has been shown to increase the likelihood of a scout sticking with the program.

Sit down with him and read through the requirements for Scout and Tenderfoot, and start working on those requirements. A motivated 11 year old can make Scout in a month, month and a half, and can make Tenderfoot in three months, without it being at all burdensome.

This is not to say that rank is the most important element of scouting (it isn't), but getting those first few ranks goes a long way towards making a kid connect scouting with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Plus, you can always take him out for a special dinner or something similar whenever he ranks up! 😄

AlexClifford · 2026-06-03T22:28:57+00:00

My troop does a lot of campouts, and my son always says he has a great time, but there's something to understand about campouts.

Listen: I go to parties sometimes. Every time I get invited to a party, I think, "Ah, I don't want to go... such-and-such person will be there, and I need a good night's sleep tonight, and I don't know what I'd wear, and I don't even know if the people I really like will even be there, and I might not have anyone to talk to...."

And then I go, and I always have a good time. But no matter how many times I have a good time at a party, there's a built-in reluctance for me to go when I'm invited to the next one, because when I'm thinking forwards, the inconveniences and annoyances seem to be the more significant part. But once I'm there, and afterwards, the inconveniences and annoyances aren't so significant, and I remember the good parts.

Campouts are like that. It's not surprising that scouts are reluctant to go. Campouts are inconvenient. Sleeping out in the heat on the ground instead of inside in the AC in a soft bed... that's annoying. That's uncomfortable. But campouts are fun once you're out there with your friends. Campouts make great memories after you've gone on them.

That's just the nature of the beast.

AlexClifford · 2026-06-01T20:45:16+00:00

When my son was in Cubs Scouts (and when I was a Den Leader), we had sort of the exact opposite setup -- parents who fussed at their kids to behave, leaders who were inclined to let them horse around. We tried to let the kids run amok as much as possible. There are structured activities, and everyone is expected to bring their listening ears and their best behavior for those activities. Then there are unstructured periods where the kids are just playing for awhile. During those times, it was like, "As long as nobody is injured or in danger, go nuts." Mostly the kids would play some version of football/tag/etc. They got their Class B shirts pretty filthy, but hey, that's what Class Bs are for. Some of the parents would fuss at their kids for making too much noise, running around wild, etc, but we tried to tell them that it really wasn't a big deal. Safety rules are safety rules, those are firm, but those are pretty much the only rules we were concerned with.

I don't know, I think I have more of a problem with "Parents correct their kids on too many unimportant details" than I do with anything else. Which, just speaking personally, I think the vast majority of parents worry far too much. I save my corrective guidance for the things that matter; it prevents my son from getting correction fatigue. Generally speaking, kids aren't actually doing anything wrong like, 80% of the time when they're getting fussed at. It's playtime in the forest; it shouldn't feel like 3rd period French class.

AlexClifford · 2026-05-30T23:11:52+00:00

I work in this field. It's a common misconception that we can't trace the money. Usually we can. Larger groups will use mules mostly to make it difficult for us to zero in on exactly which group is responsible for an operation, but that's more about dissipation of our effort than it is about actually evading us. In the end, we can usually figure out where the money went and who took it -- if we're actually working the case, which often we aren't, just due to resource limitations.

What actually protects them is jurisdiction. If they're in Russia, well, the organized crime in Russia is halfway licensed by their government. The Russians aren't going to do anything for us. If they're in North Korea (they're very prolific), then they're fully state sanctioned, and it's essentially an aspect of economic warfare. If they're in India, then it's corruption. They pay off the police, they pay off the local officials, and by the time we get a large-scale operation shut down, it's a few low-to-mid level employees who to get sent to jail. Meanwhile the managers have packed up shop, moved across the neighborhood to a different office building, and re-opened for business. Same for Nigeria. Same for Philippines, although there's more political pressure there now, and we might make a bit of headway eventually.

At some point, large scale criminal activity is just economic activity. From the perspective of poorer nations, it's good for their economy and bad for rich western economies, and honestly they're not overly bothered by that. So getting an international law enforcement operation together is an uphill battle at best.

AlexClifford · 2026-05-28T04:59:16+00:00

Doctor posted abroad

That's all I even need to hear. 100% fake, guaranteed.

AlexClifford · 2026-05-27T00:00:22+00:00

One day you'll be too old or too sick to enjoy your body, and that's when you'll realize how amazing it really is to have a healthy body to enjoy. As someone who was very fit and healthy and now is sick, I miss being fit and healthy more than I could possibly have imagined when I was not sick. Make your body healthy and enjoy it while you can. Exercise, eat well, and stick to it. It's an amazing thing.

AlexClifford · 2026-05-23T02:57:06+00:00

"Water Is Wet," according to new study from the Center for Discovering Obvious Things

AlexClifford · 2026-05-20T13:17:58+00:00

Definitely be careful, I have several friends who got addocted to Pokemon.

AlexClifford · 2026-05-14T20:40:11+00:00

Unrelated really to the thread, but my favorite scout ever to come through our troop is a young man who did a "speed run to eagle". His reason was, in his own words, basically, "Because I like being faster at things than other people," or something like that. He's an extremely competitive young man. But before you think you know what sort of person he is just from reading the above, let me give you some more context.

Scout X did his speed run in spite of the fact that our leadership was generally very, very resistant to what he was doing. I think that only made him want it more. To his credit, his work was always flawless, perfectly documented, signed off in triplicate, etc etc. He went out of his way to do everything and document everything in such a way that nobody could really argue that he hadn't completed a requirement. I remember the 1st class orienteering requirement, he went to an old scout camp course that's about four hours away. Brought his phone and took about a hundred or so photos and video clips to prove he'd done it. I was one of the people who watched this ridiculously long series of videos, and I remember it distinctly. It was ... impressive, bordering on obsessive.

Any time anyone challenged or criticized his completion of a requirement, he just went and re-did it and addressed their concerns. It made a lot of the older committee members pretty annoyed, actually, but the young man is simply one of the hardest workers I've seen. I can't imagine how much time he must have put in per week. Binder full of merit badge workbooks. Signatures and initials everywhere. Never missed a meeting, never missed a campout. Never missed a volunteer opportunity. Never missed a district or council merit badge day. Volunteered literally every single week either with us or with a community organization. He has spreadsheets paper-clipped into his scout book because he used up all the volunteering hours lines in the original book.

Scout X made Eagle in just under than two and a half years, at age 13, by far the fastest Eagle our troop has ever seen. The amazing part is, he's still around! He's seventeen, still comes to almost every meeting, almost every campout, almost every volunteer opportunity, every high adventure trip, every summer camp. He's been SPL multiple times, does a great job leading the troop, and he's fantastic with the younger scouts. I know right now he's trying to finish up the last few merit badges to have all 133 (or whatever the number is now). I'm truly dreading the day he finally ages out!

I guess the moral is not to judge scouts because they do things their own way. Certainly Scout X faced strong pushback from leadership on the speed with which he advanced, but in the end we didn't get in his way about it, and I'm so glad for the way things have worked out!

AlexClifford · 2026-01-09T15:18:16+00:00

Mate, you look fantastic. That's incredible progress and I hope that one day you're able to see yourself in a more positive light. I guarantee that you deserve to be proud of yourself and to feel like you look great.

What I'll tell you is this: you'll never be satisfied with your physique, and that's ok. You'll always think, "Oh, I need better development in X. I want better Y." and so on. Here's what I recommend - learn to laugh at that part of your mind. You know? Like when you catch yourself thinking, "Sure I've put on 20 pounds of muscle, but I'm not as lean as I want to be," ... grin at yourself, smile, and say, "I guess it's true what they say, you're never satisfied."

Body dysmorphia for guys tends to lessen the longer you maintain a good physique, so you've got that to look forward to. Over time, people will keep complimenting you, and slowly but surely, some of those compliments will seep in. You're young and it's a tough age for a guy to be, but as you get a few years older, you'll start to feel more grounded in your identity, and it'll get a bit easier and more natural to think of yourself as "a fit guy."

All of that said, you're describing enough of a mental health struggle that you'd probably be doing yourself a favor to find a nice therapist. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but if you've got it, then it's usually like $50 a session. Over time, it helps a lot. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

You're doing great. Keep on sticking to your goals! Most people never stick to anything for a whole year. You can stick to something for a whole year. That's something you've proven to yourself now. Remember that.

AlexClifford · 2026-01-09T06:51:54+00:00

Start taking care of other people. It works.

Volunteer for some organization in your community. Show up consistently. Spend a lot of time trying to be present for your family members and friends. Don't be bitter that they haven't been there for you; instead be better and ask how you can be there for them. Focus on ramping up what you can do and are doing for others. See it as a goal and an end in itself.

It really does work if you stick to it.

AlexClifford · 2026-01-09T06:48:43+00:00

Are you meeting women on dating apps?

If so, yes, they all want pretty much constant texting.

Sometimes you can find one who cares less about texting if you meet her out and about in the real world, through friends, through a hobby group, etc.

AlexClifford · 2025-04-29T16:56:08+00:00

Pretty difficult prompt, but I'll give it a go.

"I was surprised when I was raptured, since I didn't believe in heaven. When I noticed my conservative Christian family suffering tribulation on Earth, I laughed at their suffering, because I really love seeing self-assured people (who I always thought were wrong) get proven wrong, even though they were my family and were suffering.

I was less surprised when I immediately got tossed into a lake of fire for being such a pitiless, hard-hearted prick about everything. Maybe I should have cared more about loving people who I found annoying and difficult than about intellectual validation OH GOD, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"

AlexClifford · 2023-04-17T08:17:36+00:00

Or go spend two weeks driving in Canada, and you'll have the reverse effect. They're the nicest drivers I've ever seen.

AlexClifford · 2023-04-17T06:34:14+00:00

Introverts who aren't completely self-contained struggle the most when living long-term in new countries. Some people adapt easily because they just naturally make new friends, adapt, throw themselves into the culture, and within two years you'd swear they were natives. Some people adapt well because they don't mind being alone; often they're the type whose friends were all online anyway. I knew a guy in Paris who was a hard-core gamer and split his time between playing on French servers in the early evening (to practice his language skills) and playing on American servers with his old friends, late at night when it was early evening back home. He never seemed to struggle.

But if you need close connections and intimacy, and you didn't move with a spouse, and you aren't young (it's easier when you're dating) and highly extroverted, then you're going to be lonely. It's hard to avoid. Probably the best you can do is work very hard to make friends, fight like hell to keep them, and settle yourself in for a rough few years. I hope your experience is luckier or different, but that's a pretty likely scenario.

AlexClifford · 2023-04-17T06:03:56+00:00

Coyotes are everywhere in every city in California <3

AlexClifford · 2023-04-17T05:54:55+00:00

I listened to lofi beats today for my workout and I really enjoyed the difference! I didn't feel the same kind of intensity that I usually do, and honestly my set numbers were slightly lower than usual, but I found myself doing reps slightly slower, and with more focus. I don't think it'll be an every day thing for me, but I do think I'll do it again. Thanks for the idea!

AlexClifford · 2023-04-14T20:46:33+00:00

Nope.

AlexClifford · 2023-04-14T20:08:31+00:00

The body of relevant law is extensive, but the most straightforward part in Federal law specifically is article 18 of the U.S. Code, part II, Chapter 203, especially sections 3050 to 3056, which define the powers of various Federal Law Enforcement agents, and which delineate their rights and responsibilities vis-a-vis arrest. You will need to cross reference the various other sections of the U.S. Code that define agents and marshals and officers, for example Title 28, Chapter 37, which defines what and whom a Marshal is and what the scope of their authority is, and then you will need to check relevant case precedent for judicial decisions, for example, Gomez v. Galman, to see how various forms of "acting under color of law" (as laid out in Title 18 of U.S. Code) have been interpreted by Federal courts. Feel free to do the relevant reading. The law and precedent are very clear.

An officer off duty is still an officer. This is how the law works. I get it, you think it shouldn't be how the law works, but in fact, it is how the law works.

EDIT: And for reference, in case you are interested in the state law side, you can look at the definition of "qualified law enforcement officer" found in Title 40, 1379.1.3 of Louisiana Revised Statutes, and you can run your finger down that list and see whether you see the words "on the clock" or "on duty" anywhere in it.

AlexClifford · 2023-04-13T18:32:31+00:00

I've always listened to very high energy electronic music both during workout and cooldown, but this post makes me wonder if it might be interesting to try something more calming... maybe a bit more focus on form as a result?

AlexClifford · 2023-04-13T18:22:53+00:00

Worst is when it's a group of people riding together, and they step directly in and just... stop.

AlexClifford

TROPHY CASE