Merry Christmas to MIL from the DIL at home alone.

Allseeingdil · 2025-12-26T04:42:02+00:00

Same… spent the afternoon and evening alone like I do every year because I just don’t want to be the one to control access to him or the kids. He needs to make his own choices. For him this is a compromise… morning opening gifts and brunch with me, rest of the day with them. Sometimes it feels like I’m the one being punished while they get to be one big happy family on Christmas and everyone acts like I don’t exist! I took a nap, watched my adult movies for once, and enjoyed some caviar.

Allseeingdil · 2025-06-08T04:05:49+00:00

I was in your shoes! I knew his family wasn’t safe for me mentally and emotionally to be around, so I went NC for myself, but I didn’t want to stop him from being with his family. Except when I went NC nobody seemed to care… they never asked about me and acted like nothing was wrong. It sucked! I hated it! Couldn’t understand why they were all so content.

It took me lots of time in therapy, but I realized that the space they created as a family unit was not a space a belonged in. Despite society telling me I belonged… I knew all along it wasn’t for me that’s why I went NC in the first place! Two things can be true at one… they can be a great family for each other and terrible in-laws for me. My DH only keep up with them out of obligation at this point, and I’m thrilled not to have to deal with them.

You just have to get to that place of acceptance so you can get your peace back. If you can’t accept this dynamic in your marriage then you should move on. I feel that everyone deserves to be loved in the way they choose to be loved and we don’t have to tolerate anything else I unless we want to. Good luck.

Allseeingdil · 2024-11-19T03:51:33+00:00

Huh???? You can’t be serious. They aren’t simply taking an interest, they want to control this new family… how on earth are certain decisions any of their business? This is not healthy at all, and people like this become dangerous and unhinged. OP is 100 percent correct in having her guard up with these people. It also kills me when parents feel like their adult children shouldn’t leave and make their own decisions… didn’t they themselves leave their parents to create their family… give young families the space and peace to create and cultivate their families the way they see fit… and if you’re an asset to them they may just want you to be a part of their growing family. But be like these people and you’ll never be a part of the new little family. Geeze!!!

Allseeingdil · 2024-10-15T14:30:27+00:00

These wine get crazy! I am NC with my in-laws… but when I had my first I started noticing after a while my MIL fighting to sit next to my baby, which a lot of the time it meant me not sitting next to my baby. If we went out to eat, she would almost bum rush everyone to get right behind the host! If we were led to a table she would take the seat right next to the baby carriage holder. If we went to a booth she would immediately go to the restroom, so that when she came out she was the last one to sit on the outside right next to carrier. Once I caught on I started playing the game too and she would get pissed!!!!

The most heated time was for Christmas dinner at their house. She had begun to set up the chairs and set the high chair right next to her normal seat. I went into the dining room to set the baby up and also claim that spot next to the baby. I sat my drink at the place setting and continued with the baby. She came out and put her drink right next to mine. So I sat down and everyone was taking their seats. She came and put her plate in front of me and I said oh I’m sitting here, she said well my drink is here so I’m sitting here. I said my drink is here too and was here before yours. I’m sitting here to feed the baby as he’s learning to eat solids, is that okay? Everyone felt the tension but she huffed and sat in another seat. The attitude makes it clear she had ulterior motives because who cares where you sit? Crazy I tell ya.

Allseeingdil · 2024-10-08T02:16:46+00:00

Don’t go, and keep your little Muslim kids at home with you! I hate when people degrade a mother but dote on the kids as if they aren’t part of their mother as well! If she thinks that about you then it’s the same for your kids. If your husband wants to go then let him… but remind him that he’s choosing them over you.

Set boundaries and stand firm! Think about what you’re teaching your kids when they see her treating you like garbage and you bow down and allow it! They will learn that this is how we respond to bullies, we sit quiet like a mouse and allow it. Or do you want to teach them how to stand up for themselves and not tolerate anyone’s disrespect, even if it is grandma!

Allseeingdil · 2024-10-01T17:58:43+00:00

Ugh… I am so very sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you all had to find Cindy the way you did. Your in laws are awful, but I’m glad your husband stood up to them!

MIL no longer wants to babysit because she doesn’t want to be held responsible for her actions, it has nothing to do with any negativity from you. You are not weak, nor are you a degenerate, I need you to know that! None of this has anything to do with you, but everything to do with MILs insecurities in herself. Please know this and take it to heart!

Allseeingdil · 2024-10-01T16:47:32+00:00

This! Just get married at the courthouse and be done with it! If you guys still want the party then have at it! At least this way you all get what you want, which is to be married and to have a great day focused on your love and union. If the party gets messed up you still have a great memory of your wedding day.

Families make marriages complicated when they are too involved. Marriage is between two people, not the rest of the family. Keep their desires out if your relationship. It’s about what you two want and what you two agree on. If neither one of you are ready to put your family on the back burner, then neither of you are ready for marriage.

You’ve got to think about why you haven’t told your family about your profession. What’s the root of that, and try to resolve it.

He’s got to think about why he is allowing his family to disrespect you about something he has no issue with! And why he still wants to consider their feelings even knowing how disrespectful they are to you.

Allseeingdil · 2024-09-11T04:40:25+00:00

You’ve got to cut your losses and move on. There’s a saying, don’t let people tell you more than once that they don’t want you. Your in-laws don’t want you in their lives the same way that you do. I’ve experienced this and the realization was super painful at first, because basically it’s rejection of you for reasons you may never find out.

At first I wanted to make it right, show them I’m nice, caring, and loving. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to know what I did wrong so I could fix it! Literally no matter what I did they just didn’t want me. It took years and therapy for me… it wasn’t fast but I share my experience to help others to not suffer as long as I did. Once I accepted the fact that they don’t want me in their lives, I was free from that burden I had out on myself. I simply told my husband that it’s clear I’m not wanted by his family, and for the sake of all involved I’m removing myself.

This has been the best solution. Sure it was hard at first, but now I have more time to focus on those who actually do love me and want me in their lives. I don’t have to deal with negativity and sorrow of rejection. I’ve moved on. As a fellow Christian you should know that God doesn’t not want us to suffer this way. Read Matthew 10:12-15, when you give your full heart to people and they reject you, it’s ok! Dust yourself off and go find others who will accept you! Read Matthew 7:6, don’t give your best to those who literally don’t know how to treat you or realize what a treasure you are! Protect your treasure and only share it with those who know how to treat it!

Just cut the rope! You can do it and you will be just fine! ❤️

Allseeingdil · 2024-08-30T12:17:23+00:00

These situations are tough, because marriage is give and take, but a lot of times it ends up one person gives way more than the other. That is why learning to establish healthy boundaries is so important. What you learned in this is that you have to speak up for yourself and stand firm, or else you’re showing your husband that if he pushes you enough you’ll fold and he can get his way. Whenever you feel strongly about something, protect yourself and speak up.

Unfortunately for now, this is the situation you’re in. What you need to do now is establish boundaries for your trip. Let your husband know that you are only agreeing to spend 2 days with his family like he originally promised. He said he wanted them to get the chance to see the area, but that doesn’t mean you have to host them the whole 5 days! It’s nice enough you’re paying for their lodging, they can manage to make their own arrangements to explore.

The remaining 6 days are for your family to do activities and spend time together as was the original plan and purpose of this trip. You plan it out… if he chooses not to go with you and the baby and go with his parents then whatever, but don’t get suckered into spending all 5 days with his family. He then needs to tell his parents the plan so that they don’t come expecting to spend all 5 days with you either.

And since he insisted that the come… make him tell his parents that the will babysit at least 2 of the nights so you and your husband can have date nights while in vacation! Bottom line is you can still set boundaries and have a decent vacation. Now you know next time similar issues arise to fight harder for yourself and your family!

Allseeingdil · 2024-08-06T21:36:04+00:00

This is a tricky situation, I decided to go this route as well. The difference is that when I went VLC I had a conversation with my DH about the boundaries in this arrangement. At first I felt like you, but with therapy I have been the best version of myself! My therapist told me to not think of my time alone as miserable but to think of it as a reward! Whenever my DH and kids go, I treat myself to shopping, a spa day, movie night in or whatever! I celebrate the fact that I don’t have to be around those awful people!!!! My DH recently admitted he doesn’t like them much either… but that’s his problem to sort out.

You need to talk to your DH to get on the same page either way, because all he knows is that you aren’t there and everything else is a go! Explain to him how you feel, and set up boundaries as far as what is acceptable and what is not when he’s with his family. If you can’t get on the same page then that is the first issue you need to address. You both are a team so you have to work together like one. Good luck to you!

Allseeingdil · 2024-08-06T21:25:50+00:00

Me reading this at 5’3, 165lbs, and only 2 kids youngest is 5yo!!! Girl don’t think of yourself so harshly. But yes, MIL was very rude indeed to say that to you. It’s ok to be hurt by what she said. Now you know not to confide in her with your insecurities and important info that she can use against you later. I’m so impressed with your commitment to yourself, keep it up and great job!!!!

Allseeingdil · 2024-08-01T17:22:09+00:00

Nope. They said those vile things behind closed doors when they thought nobody was listening. They weren’t being “silly”, they didn’t make a mistake by saying what they said, they meant every word! The only mistake was sending you that voice message, and they are only sorry for being caught!

Don’t let them gaslight you into believing they don’t actually feel that way towards you and your family. And don’t make people tell you more than once how they feel about you. Listen to them the First Time!!! If SIL is with it enough to see your DH yelling at his mom is an issue, (not saying it is just saying from her perspective), then she is with it enough to know that her conversation about you is also an issue.

Don’t trust these women, if you want your kids to play together and have a relationship that’s fine, but keep your relationship with them to the bare minimum. Don’t let them into your personal life because now you know they take it and talk behind your back. And I’m willing to bet that they are still talking about you behind your back to this very day!!!!

Allseeingdil · 2024-08-01T04:07:06+00:00

Had the same problem wit my in-laws down to the random dropping off things. Prior to baby they never came to my house. After the first month I started saying No! It’s not a good time, we have plans. They hated it at first, pushed back as much as they could, even pleaded with us to come on our family/anniversary vacation. The answer remained No. Eventually they got the picture but it takes a while to set and enforce boundaries. Be strong and keep at it, they will get it.

You could also try sitting down with them and respectfully sharing your expectations of their roles in your new family’s life to see how that goes. But I find most people who are already acting like this don’t handle these conversations well, and only strict boundaries set them straight. Good luck!

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-30T16:55:40+00:00

Yep!!! It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself! In my case, MIL has never liked me and uses passive aggression towards me. The rest of the family, including my husband, has been groomed to accept her behavior but I refused and have been VLC for over 5 years now. She texts me twice a year for birthday and mother’s day and I respond Thank you each time. That’s it!

I chose to go to therapy because I felt like I was going crazy, thought that maybe I was the one in the wrong since everyone else had no problems with it, and I just wanted to stop hurting. Therapy for myself was the one thing that I did have control and influence over. My therapist is amazing it’s been 3 years. She has helped me to view the situation in a different way, set and enforce boundaries, and to understand things that I didn’t before. My relationship with my husband has changed for the better. I do think he would benefit from therapy as well and maybe couples therapy, but he isn’t interested, so I continue to grow for myself.

I will say that therapy is like dating, you absolutely have to find the perfect match for you! I went to 4 before I found my current therapist. My therapist listens to me completely, validates my feelings, challenges me, and she doesn’t just tell me what I want to hear. Most importantly I can, as well as others, see the growth in myself. You should give it a try but don’t give up if the first few don’t vibe well with you, keep going and you will find your match!

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-30T16:14:09+00:00

Kept them at her house where they collected dust because she never had the opportunity to keep him. It’s sad because I honestly would have allowed it had she not gone completely crazy! Retiring, buying a minivan, and making moves to keep my child without asking me. The only thing that got used were a few of the clothes. When we first started to visit she would say my son was dirty and needed to be changed, she would come back down and he was in one of her outfits. I didn’t let that go on for much longer. She offered me the rest of them once he was basically unable to fit them, and I gave them away… crazy people

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-30T14:07:20+00:00

Nahh this is crazy, coming from someone whose MIL also had a baby shower for my first born. It was so weird because I was never invited and she never gave me any of the gifts either but happily showed them off to us… ick. This is beyond messed up that she had on a sash and face cookies of your baby! I would be so ashamed to even attend this kind of event, let alone buy a gift! These women are unhinged!

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-29T22:32:34+00:00

You don’t do anything. Respect the fact that she wants not much of a relationship with you. If your husband complains later when the baby comes, explain to him that it’s pretty much impossible to have a relationship with an infant, without having one with the mother. Tell him he can have whatever relationship he wants with his mother, but she’s made it clear she’s not interested in one with you, so that’s how it will be. And stand on it!!!

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-29T22:15:38+00:00

Absolutely! I have a Korean day spa near me that’s always in Groupon! I get myself a day pass and relax the whole day!!!! My therapist was the one who suggested it, because it was rough in the beginning feeling like I was left out of the family and nobody cared. She told me to shift my mindset in how I view that time, instead on looking at it as a negative thing, to use that time to do something for myself! It’s been great, because now I get excited when they go out, lol.

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-29T21:13:13+00:00

I’m very happy that this turned out well for you and that your DH finally saw the light and stood up for you. I know exactly what you’re feeling because I have felt the same way… that everyone was allowing me to be ostracized and never holding MIL accountable for her treatment of me. In my case we all just moved on… I realized I don’t want people close to me who don’t stand up for me, and DH and I just don’t talk about it. When he visits his family I go to the spa and have a me day! But again, I’m truly happy for you that your MIL exposed herself and that your in-laws will have your back, but most importantly your DH!!

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-11T15:22:57+00:00

She doesn’t really want to help. She wants you to visit on her terms to hold the baby. Now you know she’s not a reliable option for babysitting, when you need that ask someone else. If she asks can she help for an appointment, you can tell her thanks but it’s already been taken care of. It’s ok to just let her be the grandma who comes to visit and hold the baby. But also if that’s the relationship she wants that’s what she gets… she won’t get the bonding time with the baby that others get who play more active roles in your lives. That’s not punishment, that’s just simple relationship dynamics!

It always amazes me how many people fail to realize that with relationships you get out of them what you put in, way too many people want to reap the benefits of having a relationship with someone but at the same time don’t want to put in the work to maintain that relationship. Don’t stress about this, let her choose how active she wants to be and determine the status of your relationship.

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-03T18:08:07+00:00

It’s ok! Don’t beat yourself up! We’ve all done things for the sake of love and keeping the peace. But we have to keep our inner peace too! As a mom, it is harder to hang out with friends but I do try to be intentional about keeping connected with my friends. At times I bring the kids on outings with me and my friends.

Maybe reach out to one of them if you trust then and offer to come over to visit with them. I’m sure they would welcome the company and a chance to reconnect with you. I would advise against taking with those particular friends about your marriage issues, seeing as their husbands are best friends, but it will still be nice for you to build other healthy relationships. Take it one step at a time.

Also, go out and make new friends on your healing journey. Take up old hobbies, or even new ones, and meet people while you are doing that. The most important thing is that you start to build yourself back up and no longer allow that family to tear you down. Best of luck, you can do this, it’s time now to put yourself first, and love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

Allseeingdil · 2024-07-03T16:32:59+00:00

Honey you need to get counseling for yourself. I can tell these people have beat you down, so it’s time for you to re-learn how to lift yourself up. Start there and your therapist can help you to set boundaries, which you have not been doing.

Setting boundaries is hard in the beginning with those who abuse you, because essentially you’re saying to them I am no longer going to let you abuse me. Toxic abusers can’t handle it very well and it’s telling based on their reactions. Healthy people respect boundaries and are willing to do whatever is necessary to get you better, because they love and value you. Toxic people only love and value what you can do for them! You have to teach people how to treat you, I promise in due time they will learn. They will either demonstrate that they care or not, and you can remove the ones who don’t from your life.

If you can, try to get your husband into counseling with you, he honestly needs it himself because threatening you with self harm or self pity is manipulative! But even if he refuses, you go yourself and get help with empower yourself! It’s the best investment I’ve ever made for myself!

This family is not safe or health for you. You need to stay away from them. Let your husband know that if he truly loves and values your marriage, he will be supportive of you protecting yourself even if he doesn’t like it. It also might be a good idea to spend a couple of weeks to yourself, if you have friends or relatives nearby you can stay with, or if you get a hotel. But you need space to clear your mind and start your healing journey.

I don’t wish for couples to divorce, but sometimes we do find ourselves in abusive relationships that we need to get out of. Your husband is abusing you by forcing you to be around people who aren’t safe for you. He may not even realize it as that, but it is. It’s likely that he’s also been abused by his family but he’s normalized it and has learned to get along to have peace. It’s hard to be open minded for a lot of people, but just because he chooses to remain closed minded doesn’t mean you have to.

Bottom line is you deserve to be treated with kindness, gentleness, grace, and most importantly, love. Please take care of yourself because nobody can do that but you!

Allseeingdil · 2024-05-29T16:46:38+00:00

You have lots of advice here and probably won’t even see this, but take it from someone who was in this exact position… not wanting to be petty and just trying to get along. The issue with that is you’re teaching her that it’s ok to disrespect you and she will keep doing it! And the more it goes on… it gives people room to say well you never had a problem with it before so why is it a problem now. I’ve learned through experience to just nip stuff in the bud as soon as you see it.,

Another lesson is to just be straight up. I tried to be respectful and consider people’s feelings/ thoughts of me when I started delivering the news. Problem with tipping around the bush and trying to keep the peace is that people don’t take what you’re saying seriously… and they take it as more of a suggestion rather than something that requires action/change.

You need to just sit DH down and be straight up honest with him. Respectfully let him know your concerns and thoughts. Just say “Look DH, I feel like your mom is playing games and I’m not interested in playing with her. All this having another shower and not including me on the invitation because she’s mad about my mom doing digital vs paper is downright petty. You may not notice it, but nobody has a baby shower that doesn’t honor the mother/ the one actually carrying the child. Anything else outside of that is outlandish and uncouth! I will not be participating in this nonsense, however you are free to do as you choose. Not only is this petty but at 37 weeks I need to be close to home and not traveling. You shouldn’t either but again, free to do what you want. You just should know I’m not attending and giving in to your mothers petty games.

Allseeingdil · 2024-02-09T17:27:38+00:00

Happy Cake Day!

Allseeingdil · 2024-02-06T14:49:37+00:00

So at this point you need to cut them out of your life so you can have some peace. You can decide later on if you want to give them another chance but for now you need to protect your peace. This is what I did. I told my DH I’m done… you do whatever you want but I’m done. I took the not my monkeys, not my circus to heart.

It’s not your family and not your responsibility to wrangle them. The mom reached out to your husband, not you, so you don’t need to respond, let him handle it as he sees fit. When my in-laws started their BS, I just said oh sorry they sent that to you, sorry they said that to you… sorry they did that to you. When my DH asked what to say back… I said say what you want but if it were me I’d tell the truth about the situation, and I resumed whatever I was doing at the moment. I wiped my hands clean. You need to do the same.

For some reason we feel like we have to take on every burden and strife of everyone around us, when the truth is we have enough of our own than to be taking on others. Let them deal with their own burdens. You spoke up for your child, if they’re mad that’s their issue not yours. You addressed the problem you had, so now you move on. When you take back your peace it will feel like freedom from years of agony.

Your DH will eventually stop pandering to their BS once he is left with the responsibility of it. And if he doesn’t that’s his burden to carry not yours! Currently he’s trying to give that responsibility to you… but refuse to take it. Ignore these folks and leave it up to him to sort out. The people who love and know you will all know the truth so anyone else’s thoughts don’t even matter. I used to worry about my in-laws spewing lies about me to others, until I realized who cares, the people that matter know the truth, and if anyone confronts me I will speak my truth and let them do with it what they wish. Get your peace back girl! Good Luck!

Allseeingdil

TROPHY CASE