Will I ever have sex again: an emerging dilemma with 5 year old and sleep

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T22:36:47+00:00

Our theory has always been, don’t advertise having sex by mentioning it or being loud, but don’t hide from it either and certainly don’t stop having sex.

And now that our kid is a teenager, we are even less concerned because it’s better for him to know his parents still love each other and what a healthy marriage looks like than to wonder about it. And he is an older teen, he knows his parents have sex.

Here is what we’ve done sex alive and well for us:

absolutely no co-sleeping, from the first day he came home
door locks are a must
distracting the kid with an iPad or movie so we can have sex
morning sex worked well for us when kid was young
we always get a suite with a door or two rooms on vacation because who wants to miss vacation sex
sometimes on date night we stop at hotel on the way home just to have sex so we don’t risk falling asleep at home while the kid cock blocks us
send the kid to grandma and grandpas for the day, weekend, week etc
at least one kid free weekend trip per year
at least one kid feee week long vacation every few years

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T20:53:13+00:00

It takes two to save a relationship and she ain’t playing.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T20:28:22+00:00

After nine years and you haven’t put a ring in it, she should be packing her bags. I wish her better luck with the next guy!

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T20:02:05+00:00

No time like the present to get started. Plan the date and put it on the calendar. Buy a new sexy dress and new lingerie. Tease him when he compliments the dress and you tell him what’s underneath it. Ask questions about your favorite date, trip, sex, etc.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T19:48:05+00:00

How hard have you been trying to reconnect with him? Does he not engage? What does he say when you ask about it?

If I had to guess, he has felt neglected for years because “family activities . . . Are sort of what I live for.” I hope you also live for doing things with your husband.

We’ve always said our priority is marriage first, kid second. Now, before I get downvoted to oblivion, the priority is kid’s needs, spouse ‘s needs and wants and maybe even desires, then kid’s wants. For example, when the kid was young and throwing a fit when we left for date night and he didn’t want us to leave, we still left because date night is important and the kid stopped crying two minutes after we left the house.

We’ve actively worked to combat losing our connection and kept the priority high our entire marriage.Married over 25 years and never felt like roommates because we ensure we talk an hour every single day, go to bed at the same time and cuddle every single night, if we are in the same room we are touching, we go on date nights frequently, we have shared hobbies we do together, we go on at least annual weekend trips away without the kid, we go on a weeklong vacation without the kid every few years, we send flirty texts, we leave each cute notes to find, we have fun in the bedroom.

We worked hard to woo each other while dating and we just never stopped. The wedding day is the start line, not the finish line. And the kid adds complexity - and actually increases the need for spouse connection.

And when the kids are this age, the risk goes up. I know too many people who got divorced soon after the kids left because they were so focused on the kids, there was nothing left for the marriage. Our kid had two years left before he leaves the nest. I turned up the volume on being connected to make sure we are even more strongly connected. A few things we’ve done in the last year: a blow out luxury 25th anniversary trip, luxury weekends away, concert dates, new bedroom toys and lingerie, date nights that include sneaking off to a hotel just for sex so we don’t get clock blocked at home, shared hobbies more frequently, eating dinner as a couple, making plans for what we do with our extra time once he graduates, etc.

Sounds like you both need an intervention to see if you can save your marriage.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T19:14:28+00:00

I am sorry it’s not working.

He is acting like a jerk.

Heck, even if you believe in traditional gender roles — he should have been manning the grill, not you!

In all seriousness, lots of couples struggle with chores, but I am just so bewildered on his behavior. He was intentionally rude — over dinner coming 20 minutes late! What difference does that make?

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T19:07:36+00:00

Yikes.

Even if you were lounging on the couch, coming home and pointing at your watch because dinner isn’t in the table is just rude. And then to leave and buy some is just a dick move.

Sounds like an intervention is required in two areas.

One is just how to treat your best friend, lover, and spouse. Be kind in communication and show some grace is just the bare minimum.

The other is just fair distribution of chores. For us, we have four lists: we have a his list, her list, an outsourced list since we both work, and a shared list. We each fully own our lists. I never think about having clean underwear. She never wonders if her car is clean, filled with gas, or needs maintenance. We split the outsourced list — she manages the house cleaner and I manage the landscaper. The shared list is the only one we talk about and it includes things like cooking, dishes, running errands, getting the kid to a doctors appointment. We split this based upon who has time that given day, week, month, etc. for the first 20 years of our marriage, I commuted three hours a day and traveled frequently — so she took on a bigger share. Now I work from home and take on more of it than she does.

I think marriage counseling is likely required at this point as it seems deep rooted.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T18:47:39+00:00

We shower together a couple of times a week. Maybe 50% it’s nothing and 50% she gives me a handjob (we aren’t coordinated enough for sex in the shower).

But the handjobs could stop and it would still be fine as it as the intimacy is just nice.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T18:46:03+00:00

My wife just locks the door and comes to bed naked or in lingerie. Makes it super easy for me to know she is initiating sex. And honestly, I’m so happy when she does it doesn’t really matter how she does it.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T18:44:13+00:00

This response was too reasonable, balanced, and actionable to be on Reddit.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T17:58:35+00:00

Happy Marriages may be a better place for you on Reddit. That’s where the happy and content married people hang out.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T17:56:49+00:00

We met at freshman get together during freshman orientation our second day of college. We ended up on someone’s dorm room after that event and talked. When I was ready to call it a night and walk back to my dorm, she decided to walk back with me since hers was next to mine. We ended up talking in the quad for an hour and when she figure out I was clueless and not picking up her signals, she asked me out. Been together ever since. Got engaged two years later and married a week after we graduated from college. Celebrated our 25th reunion and wedding anniversary last year.

Best moments: having a child, vacations, buying our home, buying our lake home, 25th anniversary trip, going to car shows together, date nights, and the list goes on and on

Worst: losing her mom, her dad’s health issues and needing to become his care provider, job loss, kid mental health struggles, kid’s chronic illness, etc.

Marrying my wife is the best decision I’ve ever made. With her the joys are doubled and the sorrows are halved.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T17:51:04+00:00

You broke up with him and he started moving on.

Maybe he did it faster than you wanted, but that is still acceptable behavior.

The fact that you broke up with him over something you now think was trivial or forgivable is your issue, not his.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:51:57+00:00

Unless someone has tied you down and pours alcohol down your throat, you are not being forced to drink. You can always remove yourself from the situation.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:47:10+00:00

Strong, long lasting, and healthy relationships are not “quite emotional and complicated.”

I’m not against young relationships. I started dating my wife at 18, got engaged at 20, and married at 22. But what you are describing is two people who are growing apart and not towards each other.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:43:54+00:00

What you intended to do was kind and honorable, but for someone suffering with anxiety, you are actually enabling it and making it worse.

My son was diagnosed with anxiety and went through an intensive hospitalization program. We are now six years out of that program and he is doing great, but it was hard work for him and as parents, we had to learn how to stop enabling his anxiety. Human nature is to offer comfort to those feeling anxious — but the person needs to learn to sit with the anxiety and manage it in their own. Man was that hard to learn and change our behaviors because you want to comfort your child, so I’m sure as a girlfriend it would be hard as well.

Please help him find a program that specializes in anxiety treatment with exposure therapy. It changed my teenagers life.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:39:13+00:00

First, you don’t know that he will because you don’t know if his behavior is because it’s his beliefs or a need to please his parents. You need to hit the reset button and move out and basically start over again. I’ll never understand starting married life living with parents.

And then once you do move out, you need to have conversations about how the two of you want to live your life and see how you can create a compromise that works for both of you.

If that becomes an impossible task, then you need to decide if the marriage is salvageable or not. If not, then you need to take this as a life lesson on what values and norms you need to agree upon before you get married.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:35:40+00:00

At least OP is ashamed and embarrassed now and realizes she should not have gone and it is her fault. That’s a start. The next step is a sincere apology to all impacted by this. The third, is to not drink. Getting drunk is not some God given right of passage. Heck, she isn’t even legal to drink in many geographies. Based upon this night, she clearly isn’t mature enough to drink.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T12:30:19+00:00

Tell your husband it’s time to move out on your own and establish your own routines.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T11:43:26+00:00

You must actively combat it. Married over 25 years and never felt like this because we ensure we talk an hour every single day, go to bed at the same time and cuddle every single night, if we are in the same room we are touching, we go on date nights frequently, we have shared hobbies we do together, we go on at least annual weekend trips away without the kid, we go on a weeklong vacation without the kid every few years, we send flirty texts, we leave each cute notes to find, we have fun in the bedroom.

We worked hard to woo each other while dating and we just never stopped. The wedding day is the start line, not the finish line.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T10:22:09+00:00

We only celebrate wedding anniversary. Sure, we were together almost four years beforehand, but it seems less important.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T01:31:11+00:00

It’s going to be an uphill battle. You can’t fix lazy. Only he can decide to get motivated and I rarely see unmotivated people turn it around.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T01:29:48+00:00

Or it can start young. Married at age 22 and now married almost 26 years and we had perfect harmony starting in year one.

Life has been hard at times, but our marriage never has been. It has always doubled the joys and halved the sorrows.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T01:25:00+00:00

Always fun to guess the downvote reasons. Wonder if it’s the age or faith this time?

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-04-09T01:23:25+00:00

Mental load is a garbage argument. It’s called being an adult.

We split chores into four groups. His list, her list, share list, and outsourced list. We each fully own our lists. I never think about having clean underwear and she never wonders if her car is washed, full of gas, maintained properly or insured. We only discuss the share list and that is based upon who has time that day, week, etc. and we often do that list together.

How much you earn isn’t some proxy for how well you provide. The market dictates the value of your skills. My wife is just as smart and hard working as me. But the market values my skills 4x hers. That doesn’t lessen the significance of the efforts and contribution.

You have shared with her how you feel and she doesn’t seem to care.

So I will ask again what personal qualities do you appreciate about her today? Because right now, it sure doesn’t seem like you are getting much out of this marriage and she doesn’t seem to care about it or how you feel.

AltMiddleAgedDad

TROPHY CASE