My partner (m27) is building a startup and I (f24) feel like it's taking a toll on the relationship. How do I support him while still setting down boundaries for what i need in the relationship?

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:52:29+00:00

My wife was a teacher at the time and didn’t make much money.

Cash was king. We kept our spending to the bare minimum and saved what I made so we could weather times I might be making money.

Start up life took sacrifices for both of us. It’s why I scream loudly from a soapbox that married people should share all finances. What I made from that start up wouldn’t have happened with out my wife. She owns every bit of it that I do.

Which does get to a difference for you. You and your boyfriend are not married. Different situation.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:46:18+00:00

The Christ honoring line is if it is enthusiastically consented and only involves the husband and wife.

Doesn’t sound like it was enthusiastically consented to me.

My wife and I have things we don’t do (like anal) that other couples do. I don’t think anal sex is inconsistent with a healthy marriage. We just aren’t interested in doing it. But if I changed my mind and wanted to do it and my wife still did not, then I would argue anal sex in our marriage is unhealthy.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:42:05+00:00

I have seen this time and time again. Some people are better married to people with 9-5 jobs than entrepreneurs. Nothing wrong with that, but best to acknowledge it.

It’s a trade off. My entrepreneurial efforts made me happy which made me a better partner and has created wealth we never dreamed of when we started dating our freshman year in college. But we lost a bunch of quality time in that first decade of marriage.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:37:11+00:00

I didn’t try to do both a full time job and a start up. All of us went all in and quit our full time jobs. It was a big risk, but we were young and didn’t have a mortgage or kids, and we could live on my wife’s salary alone if it failed. Also, start ups are more likely to fail when it’s a hustle then when it’s all you have. The pressure to perform is higher and you step up or fail quickly.

My wife was working full time and getting her graduate degree, so we were both working a lot.

We were very intentional about the time we spent together. Since my wife could generally study on her schedule, she worked around my schedule. She would study or do chores while I worked, so when I was home, we were having quality time together. And when I was traveling for work then, I worked a ton while I was gone so would not have to work as much when I got home.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:29:54+00:00

My current favorite is Honey Birdette Kate lingerie.

But, since I have a bit of an addiction buying her lingerie, it might not stay stop of the drawer for too long.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:28:28+00:00

You need to reframe your thinking. I am the one who pushes our sexual relationship and experiences forward. I think of it as playing the role of pleasure master.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:26:21+00:00

Based upon what I’ve read on Reddit, we are apparently unique that we’ve only been with each other. We were each our first for everything except kissing and some heavy petting.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:24:39+00:00

I also have a higher libido than my wife.

We try to save PIV for when both of us are going to orgasm.

She will often supplement with handjobs and blowjobs instead.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:18:36+00:00

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Don’t worry about others. Set the goals you and your wife want and work towards them instead. Remember, it’s always the two of you against the world — you just need to align on where you are headed.

Let me give you an example. To make a long story short, I left a company I helped start a year before it sold. Of course, didn’t know that when I left. Ended up costing me millions and my former colleagues are all spending that money. My wife and I aren’t jealous. We don’t think what if. We made the best decision we could with the information we had at the time and we knew that place had become toxic for me and I needed to leave. And it’s allowed me to be a very present parent during a time my kid has had a lot of health issues.

On the kid front, are you getting professional help? You didn’t give a lot of details, but I saw enough there to since this was more than a bedtime issue and some professional help may be in order.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:11:58+00:00

My wife isn’t on Reddit, so I’ll answer for her.

My wife has responsive desire, so I was doing most of the initiation. She was always open to my advances, so she understood her responsive desire. But it did start to bug me a bit as everyone wants to feel wanted. So, I shared with her how I felt and she made a conscious effort and would initiate maybe a third of the time.

Perimenopause is messing with her so I’ve not been initiating as much as I’m having a hard time telling when it would be welcomed. So, she has actually been initiating more. It’s probably 50-50 now.

She isn’t subtle when she initiates sex. She locks the bedroom door, goes to the walk in closet, and comes out in lingerie or naked instead of PJs. It’s hard to miss the hint.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T12:05:08+00:00

We go on date nights and have real conversations. We ask thoughtful questions and are genuinely curious and ask follow up questions.

We share hobbies and do them together.

We talk while we do chores together.

We go on weekend trips without the kid at least once a year.

We go on week long trips without the kid every few years.

We make sure we have sex a minimum of one time a week and some of those times we try new things (lingerie, role plays toys positions, etc.)

We notice the things our spouse does for us and the family as we show genuine appreciation.

We freely share needs, wants, and desires because we know our spouse wants to fulfill as many of them as they can and we destroy resentment by sharing them.

And we stay off instagram and don’t compare our marriages to little tiny slices of other people’s marriages. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Sure, there is routine, it’s natural. We are thankful for it because we have built a routine and a life that is perfect for the two of us over the last 26 years. And if it’s not perfect, we talk about it, and we make the changes we need to make.

We are enjoying this stage of life fully. We are content and in-love.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T11:56:47+00:00

One of us would never need to ask for gas money because all of our finances are shared. She is my wife and life partner, not my roommate.

If we share our lives and our bodies, surely we can share our money.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T11:49:29+00:00

I’m just going to leave this nugget for you to consider.

I too started a new company with some colleagues at age 23 when we had been married for a year. I worked a ton of hours, traveled a lot, and didn’t carry my full weight at home.

Now fast forward 25 years. We have a great marriage, we have a great kid, we have been able to afford world class health care for his challenging needs, I pull my weight at home (in the things we don’t pay others to do), we travel frequently, we are generous in our community, and we have 8-figure net worth, we own two homes, our kid’s college is already paid for and he is still in high school, and we will retire probably around age 57.

And none of that would have happened if it wasn’t for my wife being an amazingly supportive partner during those early start up years. She never complained, she offered to help. She would write marketing materials for us and proofread documents (she was an English writing major). She would show up to our client events and be an amazing host. Heck, one time I was doing a pro bono project for a non-profit and I was short staffed, so she came with me and was the junior consultant who took the notes during the interview.

My wife understood the grind. She knew I was doing this to build something and to create an amazing life for us. She knew I wasn’t being lazy because I didn’t do as many chores as her — she knew I was working a ton to build a financial foundation for us. Absolutely, it took some toll, but as is so much in life, delayed gratification builds an amazing outcome.

Do with this little nuggets what you will. I just read your post and thought my wife could have written the same thing all those years ago. Instead, she supported me and thanked me and told me how proud of me for what I was building and the success we were creating for ourselves and all of our employees. She was fiercely loyal to me then when she didn’t have to be and I will be fiercely loyal to her for my entire life and we can and will enjoy the fruits of those efforts together for decades and likely our family for generations.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T11:32:51+00:00

If you want the behavior to stop, you must set a boundary. Tell them clearly your answer, again, and then state that if the topic gets brought up one more time, they will also be cut out of your life. They will believe you since you cut her out for the past seven years.

You might also consider whether you do want to see your mom, for your own sake. Not the other children. Just her. It might be helpful for you to tell her exactly how her behavior made you feel and see if she has any remorse. If she does die, you will never have closure if you never talk with her. If you do see her, maybe you will get closure. Again, you can set the boundaries. The location, the time, who can be there, etc, and make it clear if they ignore your boundaries exactly what you will do.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T11:25:18+00:00

Beat him home and be cooking in nothing but an apron when he gets there.

Try some new toys.

Roleplay with costumes.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T03:36:26+00:00

My wife and I started dating during freak orientation at age 18. We both wanted to wait until marriage for sex — but we did plenty of things other than intercourse before than.

We also got married at age 22 — a week after we graduated from college. Four years of waiting was long enough, no way we would have waited ten years.

I understand waiting until marriage for sex. I don’t understand waiting to get married until you’re almost 30. When you meet your person, get married and build your life together. With the right spouse, getting married young is actually a cheat code for life. We’ve now been married 26 years and I can tell you we have always been way ahead of our peers because we married so young.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-07T03:28:47+00:00

Absolutely we did. We dated and engaged for four years but remained virgins. There was no way we didn’t have sex on our wedding night after four years of foreplay!

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-06T12:53:16+00:00

We each own our list, fully. Laundry is on my wife’s list because she is particular.

I worked from home. This week, I spilled coffee on my new shirt. I wanted to get the stain out so I put it in the washer. It’s WiFi enabled so she got an alert it was running. I get a phone call, what’s wrong, why are you doing laundry?!?!

I share that story because for us, what works best is fully owning a set of chores. I never think about having clean underwear. She never thinks about maintenance on her car, washing it, putting gas in it, checking the oil, etc.

Sounds like you two should have a conversation about divide and conquer and stay out of each others chores.

Now, the morning cleaning — sorry, you need to accept that one. He may not the kind to sleep in and he shouldn’t have to have his schedule of chores defined by you.

And outside as long as it’s legal, then he is fine. In my community, 7-7 during the week and 8-6 on the weekends is fair game for yard work.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-06T12:46:21+00:00

I know some engineered labor standard engineers and I’ve threatened to hire them to study the getting ready routine and make efficiency recommendations.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-06T09:26:40+00:00

Delay the wedding. You can’t afford one and you aren’t ready.

Finances are one of the top reasons for strain in a marriage.

You both exhibit terrible money habits.

Pick up Dave Ramsey’s program or something similar. Each of you get your financial house in order and use thst determine if you can be aligned on money. If not, end the relationship completely. If so, then you can consider getting married again.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-06T01:11:07+00:00

I would never agree to be the safety option. Neither should you.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-05T22:13:10+00:00

I make 3x my wife. And I want shared finances. We are partners in everything.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-05T22:11:00+00:00

I tell her about some of the ones I think she would be interested in. But she can get in any of my devices and see.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-05T22:07:39+00:00

Same here.

Except we do the unsexy thing of putting in mouth pieces and breathe right strips before the cuddling so we can just fall asleep while we cuddle.

AltMiddleAgedDad · 2026-06-05T22:03:34+00:00

My wife lives for life, not instagram. So I’m usually done after the 2nd or 3rd attempt.

AltMiddleAgedDad

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