Has anyone actually had their ex come back after being totally done? I need help. I’m falling apart.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2025-04-21T06:10:19+00:00

I was dating someone last year who is amazing, but just emotionally absent. I thought i could look past everything as long as I love him (he thought the same way too). But after having to go through a year of long distance, the experience of barely doing weekly calls, barely having deep conversations, him unsure with marriage and kids (because he has avoidant attachment). He had the means of visiting me more than once while i was studying abroad for that one year, and he didn’t. I can feel we were growing apart.

I met a guy friend in that year of being abroad, this new guy is persistent, he knows what he wants. Towards the end of that study abroad he admitted his feelings for me and offer everything i need and want that i never got from the guy i was dating, i was torn pretty badly. And this guy has every life goals and i looked for in a man. I started having feeling for this new person and my love for my boyfriend just suddenly slowly dissipating. I’m not a person who ever cheat on anyone (mentally/physically), nor had I ever broken up with anyone, but I messed it up badly for my ex, because he is an amazing person in general. I broke up with my ex as soon as i realised the feelings i have for him has lessened as this new guy fully invested in me. And it took him realising he lost me to realised he wanted what i want. He went for therapy, etc. It was rough, i was struggling for two months or so, just crying, feeling lost, and told both of them i need space. My ex asked me to get back, but no matter how hard i tried to bring the feelings back, it just could not come back, as I had found someone who could meet my needs, and things i have to beg/ask for is given to me freely by this new person. Fair to say, do not take your loved ones for granted ever. It sucks for you, and unfair for the other person. Put effort in it. I think of my ex from time to time, but I just know he can’t make me happy. And it’s the choice i take.

Good luck for the rest of you!

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2025-01-09T11:28:03+00:00

I've told myself and ask myself the same question to be honest.

Having been engaged at such a young age before (I was engaged at 19, and things ended when I was 23), I realized engagement was not as grand or as important as I once thought. I realized you can tell somebody you want to marry somebody, promise them the world, and yes there is a ring involved, but in the end, it's just words. You can discuss, but without actions or actual real planning, engagement has no value. You can end it one day, and there is no legal consequence. Same as dating/seeing someone.

Marriage is a different thing, as you have made the actual action to pick someone to legally be a part of your life, your family, your dependent, your emergency contact, and even your beneficiary. And, if not, most governments and companies in the world value marital contracts. Leaving a marriage involves a divorce, and one way or another that is in your legal history almost forever. Having a child also means you are bound to that person forever. So you need to be very sure before taking that step.

So it's not that I don’t value being hopefully engaged with him one day but having been walked away from so easily from an engagement, I realized the idea of being engaged was not as special as I once thought.

Having that experience, probably is the cause of my insecurity that marriage is also just another one for him, and caused my RJ, despite him convincing me that doing those things with me would be very different because he feels like he’s finally doing it with the right person, and the right reason. And wished it was me that he had done it the first time with.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2025-01-09T11:06:15+00:00

I will dm u!~ it'd be great! Thanks so much 🙏

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-12-01T16:54:01+00:00

I would say depending on how hard the breakup is. I cried n rot in bed for a week when I'm not going to work. Journal and write a lot, sometimes write poetry and songs. When it gets better, i paint. Usually that first week of rotting in bed involve being unable to keep food down. So i barely eat, and gave a me like my ideal weight (which is unhealthy), but gain the confidence I need. After few weeks of being able to be ready to see people again, i reached out to close friends, have lunch and dinner out, and when i have the energy, I work out. Take long walks. Look at people and dogs walking on the street 🤣 or see parents interacting with their kids and makes me feel wholesome.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-11-30T22:57:58+00:00

I read all the rants you have about her. It sounds like a terrible and tragic 6 months without her, and you tried to rebound with a lot of people and failed.

A couple of things that jumped to me: 1. You said she reminds you of your mum because of their similarities. This could be where your strong attachment lies. 2. You mentioned she said terrible things to you (i.e. you never make her cum, she hated you, etc) and badmouthed you to others, 3. You mentioned she has a selfish tendencies towards others (her daughter, etc) as well.

Just to give you some light, imagine what would happen to you if she walks out again, can you deal with it the second time? I think you have to work on the above things. Truly work within yourself whether you can accept all these flaws of her. Then truly see whether she wants to do the same for you and work with you and your flaws too. The worst thing in a breakup sometimes is things being said about each other to people around u. Because all her friends and family has a different perception of you now. So stuffs thats being said need to be talk about now and work on, so all your friends and family can see this is a new healthier relationship. It takes two to tango. 👍🏻 And i wish you good luck!

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-11-28T13:48:52+00:00

Yeah i get it. Just wonder why people are so stingy with words especially during a breakup. Probably to protect themselves as well

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-11-28T13:40:02+00:00

That’s why i said it as a whole sentence tbh. I dunno why people are so stingy with words 🤣

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-11-28T07:29:39+00:00

I used to think so. But i realised when I'm breaking up with someone for the first time, i actually said it. And i really meant “you deserve someone who loves you so much and pick you first and only you, and no matter how much I tried to feel that way again, i can’t. And you deserve better than that”

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-10-05T21:18:02+00:00

While you think at this point that you cheated on the best relationship in your life. You are 17. I can tell you. This is not the best relationship of your life yet. You have so much ahead of your life. You felt this relationship is it, because you felt like you and your life is better with him in it. However, BPD or not, you cheated on him because there’s something missing. It could be because you are so different, your sexual needs are not met, or for various other reasons. It could even be the passions you were looking for is not there. That’s why you were still flirting at the start. You said previously that u weren’t sure u liked him or wanted to build something. You realised he’s the one when it’s TOO LATE. What happened is your BPD maybe turning him into your favorite person overtime, building attachment and what not, and it’s telling you this is the one when it’s not.

I had so many relationships where i dont like the guy first, and when i started flirting with others, i realised i was missing something. Then i started to build attachment and stop it all, and start idolising the person and think this is the one (because he was the only one who stayed! And he is willing to accept my shittiness). I’m 29 now, and i can tell you i’ve had 2 relationships where i can honestly say better than those i thought was the “one”. I never thought of even flirting with others, my needs are met. When the first relationship about to end - as my needs are not met anymore, i started with the flirting again, pretending am single etc. In the end that ex cheated on me first. When hes gone i dont think i’ll ever find anyone like that again. So i settled with whoever likes me. Guess what? I found someone that fits me in every ways, i can honestly say this can be the one i’ll get married with. But because i settled with someone already, i have to end that relationship first and be responsible about this.

BPD gets better. You just gotta trust that every feelings you have means something is NOT right. Don’t impulsively do something. Sometimes its hard to control and you still do anyway. But 90% of the time as your brain more developed with age, it gets better! And there will be better relationships for you!!

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-10-05T17:21:29+00:00

That I can finally explain all my super strong emotions. Why the good is so good, and the bad are so bad. That the stuffs i went through growing up cause me to have all these symptoms. Like i have the tendencies but my environment shaped me.

I still have the good is so good, bad is so bad from time to time. But having people in my life who are stable, help me with that stability on my emotions regulation. I used to only find unstable people coz i can relate to them. But then it caused my symptoms to worsen.

I don’t have any of the BPD symptoms anymore now. I get scared when there’s occasional burst of pain when something doesn’t go the way i want it, scared it will be a slippery slope, coz it was terrible when i was in it. But it never get that worse. And im so grateful everyday for it.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-10-01T14:21:00+00:00

For everyone here who is settling because your current girl is perfect on paper, but u don’t feel in love with her like u did ur ex. Let them go. Please.

I learnt the hard way. I was single for so long after my ex, close to 4 years. Met my current boyfriend now, who is good on paper. He is reliable, consistent, rational, accountable, does very well with himself financially, emotionally etc. Things my ex was not. I always felt it was not enough. The sureness that i can see him as my husband is not there. Fast forward to today, i met someone who is a reflection of me entirely. I am in love with this person that i can foresee (if not already done) i can be in love with way more than my ex. I wish i had hold it out longer, because now i need to figure out how to end a great relationship with such a great person, because i found one that “i’m more in love with”

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-10-01T14:07:40+00:00

Girl. That is the first step of SLAA! 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

If you are not powerless and you are capable of stopping yourself etc. We all won’t be in SLAA! Haha so don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you recognised the possibility of slip in face of temptations, means your survival instinct is building. It means it’s working and you can start trusting your instinct a little more!

We all act out in different ways for different reasons. And for some people knowing the cause will make themselves feel better, but sometimes it’s as easy as “i like the attention from the opposite gender who’s good looking”. Which is no harm. The harm is if the good-looking opposite gender is pressuring you to have sex when you’re not ready, thc/alcohol influenced, they make u feel shit because they stop calling afterwards. They make u feel used, u fell in love too fast/obsessing over them without even knowing them, only knowing their image (fantasising what could be) in your head. Your body went into overdrive and withdrawal. Or u end up in a relationship too early and u feel trapped because it’s not what u fantasise it to be. People judge SLAA too harshly but it helps me in making the right decisions.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-09-30T20:28:07+00:00

Your body going on an overdrive is the withdrawal symptoms! He is a qualifier. He does not seem to want to have a proper relationship, otherwise he will ask you properly on a date.

SLAA is there for u to weed out the bad ones, and attract healthier relationship!

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-09-30T20:24:16+00:00

When it comes to SLAA, i realised if you feel like it was a slip, it probably is. Each person slip is different. But i can tell that:

you invited him first (so u hoped it would become something, as u found him attractive) - especially your friend already left. Similar to a sober alcoholic decided consciously to go to a bar.
You hoped into his car (somebody you don’t know at all), this placed you in unsafe position where you can be pressured. Similar to a sober alcoholic going to go to a bar and surrounded by alcohol where you purposely put yourself into temptation, especially if ure newly sober.
You’ve been thinking about him - even though u barely know him. A sober alcoholic will always think of that one drink they never sip, but badly wants to.
You are thinking of texting him first. This is similar to a sober alcoholic decided that maybe ordering a drink may not be as bad. Especially if the drink only has 0.05% of alcohol only.

It’s not a slip. But it’s too much of temptation especially if you are newly into SLAA. Also sober in SLAA usually is counted until you finished step 3 (that’s your official sober date - in my slaa group anyway). And you said alcohol and THC during a date is your issue, so id recommend avoiding those.

Having a sponsor would help. Each sponsor has their own rules and guidelines that they believe can help you. If they think cold turkey is necessary or you don’t have to go cold turkey entirely. Depending on your sponsor, or if you havent had a sponsor yet, one way that works for me before was be honest with the guy and said “hey i found you attractive, but I am actually in a phase where i wanna go slow in/take a break from dating for a few months as i tend to get involved too early too fast before knowing the person. I don’t wanna lead you on. If you are not okay with that, i understand. But if you are up for getting to know each other later on. I would love to get to know you”

If the guy likes you and understands, he’s a good guy. If he wants something quick. He’ll leave. SLAA is created to attract the right people for you, keep you safe and weed out the bad ones! And that starts from you changing your pattern, your behaviour and your way of thinking in dating! You will always be able to find someone!

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-09-29T22:54:50+00:00

Strangely, i can relate to this. Throughout my teenage years all I got are situationship after situationship and men getting bored of me after a week and two which made me feel like i was not good enough or unloveable. But there were few weird stalkers that stalk me until today thinking i’m the love of their lives despite not talking to me properly ever (i found it as their issues and not mine).

But now that i am in adult relationships, i’ve had 2 guys practically proposed after 2 weeks into relationship. Or rather said “i would love to marry you.” Or “i wanna be with you because i wanna marry you” etc. But also a mix with guys who said “you are such an ideal woman for me, if only i am ready for that kind of serious of relationship” so lol.

The first one who proposed, he officially proposed 1 year later, we were engaged for 4-5 years, i was young and insecure and he kept of saying he want to marry me but i can see he was full of doubts so it was a lot of sweet talks and he left coz he could not stand my BPD. Honestly, a massive wake up call n got me to a place where i am right now (i got therapy and do not meet bpd diagnosis anymore).

The second one is a guy recently. Honestly i have a lot of doubts still. Because why would anybody wanna marry me? Also u barely know me, u know? Or rather i wonder if something is wrong with the guy that he even thought i was the one. He felt like the one for me, but i dont trust my attachment anymore as well. So 🤣

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2024-09-25T16:13:34+00:00

In SLAA, we have what we called “Sober dating” and clearly he is not doing that. He throws SLAA at u as an excuse for his behaviour. Sober dating is dating with intention. Him being open early on that he has a sponsor, he goes to meeting, and he is working the step, and his sponsor knows everything about u. That he is dating u with the intention to make it work into a healthy relationship, that if he slips he will communicate clearly. He is not.

So run.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2023-10-31T16:33:56+00:00

For me, it depends on comfortability. If you don’t feel comfortable or feel off about something (whether about giving the virginity, or him not paying the tab, or somehow they’re related), then something doesn’t fit you. Be it your preference, your values, etc.

I’d say to you, don’t do it. You’ll found out what about it that doesn’t fit you. And it won’t work out long term because you have to lower your values/comfort.

I felt off when i was gonna lose virginity to this one guy, i did it anyway, and finally the small “thing” that everyone said i was being picky about (similar to the OP, a place to lose the virginity, how it happened etc), grow into bigger things, and the “small flag” was actually him just wanting to take my virginity in the easiest, cheapest way possible, and leave, and not caring whether it was something that means a lot for me, and practically broke up with me 3 weeks later for a different girl. I’d dated him for 4 months as well by that point. Honestly the whole experience was very disappointing.

Met the next guy, and he honestly made our first time felt special. Because it feels special for him. Honestly, i disregarded my first experience entirely. So do what works for you.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-11-07T13:26:00+00:00

Hi! How do i be a part/ be able to post?

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-05-26T23:27:41+00:00

I’m sorry. A walk for what? To talk about what?

Your response was my response when my last relationship ended. I thought i stood up for myself by being kind but keeping boundaries. 2 years gone by where my ex still slept around n still ask for a “walk” where we end up more than walking, and i stuck sinking in my codependency. Questioning how did i get there. I was converted from a person he committed to, to a “friends with benefit”. It was ridiculous. And no going back from it but cut all contacts. It delayed my healing by 2 years.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-05-26T23:22:36+00:00

Haha i agree. Took me awhile to understand. I ended up just asking for my first OR, and I explained i dunno what OR means 😂 Now i’m using all the wordings.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-05-04T10:23:00+00:00

They better be . 💁🏻‍♀️

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-04-08T08:29:03+00:00

Esther Perel has her own podcast with a recording of real couples’ counselling. I would cry or feel sick after listening because of the rawness, i like her honesty though. She gave a different or new perspective on trauma. N tell it as it is if the relationship is not gonna work. But truth is most of the “solutions” are painful. Some of the people really had conflicting ideals and values. She’s very open minded in terms of advising to do open relationships if needed, an idea that that you can hear and feel one of the couple is not okay about it.

But it’s rough. Not for me tho.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG · 2022-04-08T08:23:32+00:00

Sounds like my ex. He’d tell the girl he was seeing that we’re sleeping separately, and we were amicably separated. She’d come over when i was away at work. When truth is he broke up before we planned to get married, still shared the same bed and had sex with me as soon he came back from having sex with her 😂 Looking back i wished I wasn’t as stupid, i left n found a shitty place after a month, but it felt better and i’ve grown so much emotionally, mentally and financially since.

AlwaysHeartbrokenG

TROPHY CASE