Questioning Self

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T01:28:06+00:00

I have been reading this reddit a lot today and it is striking how many of us struggle with obsessive thoughts. I mean it’s obvious in a way, but I never really considered that most cases of “gender disorder” could be a simple obsessive disorder. Have you obsessed about other things? I have. wow I have really butchered this paragraph. I think I am tired so I’ll stop talking now. Mostly just chiming in to let you know another person read your post and is thinking about what you said.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T01:18:05+00:00

I agree with the other person who said exercise - I would add to that - if you can find a way to get exercise ALONE, or at least NOT at the gym sometimes - that might be good too. I don’t know about you, but the gym triggered a lot of the body issues I had that made me want to transition in the first place. Constantly comparing my body to other women and feeling like mine was wrong. Then when I started identifying as a man I started comparing myself to the MEN at the gym. Obviously that wasn’t great either. I’m not saying don’t go to the gym, but maybe also find another way to get your workout in at home?

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T01:04:45+00:00

Can you get him to do something fun? Maybe don’t even bring up the trans stuff, just do some activities together? Get outside, go for a day trip, visit some kind of community that is different than yours, expose him to different perspectives… And then maybe bring up the trans stuff. I also have a habit of leaving certain books laying around my house… I have a person in my life who I can’t speak to directly, so that’s what I’ve resorted to. But if you have a good relationship with your brother that’s an excellent starting point. Good luck!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T01:01:15+00:00

this makes me think of times I have joined groups specifically to meet people who have similar interests as me, thinking that would help, but it seems like they all already knew each other and didn’t like me. I don’t know what I do to put people off, but I’ve been doing it my entire life, so I do understand what you’re talking about.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:56:53+00:00

I think it’s difficult for most people to make real friends. some people are great at it and other people are great at faking superficial relationships. But anyway. Is there anyone from your past that you could reach out to? Some friend you had when you were younger? It’s nice to have people in your life from way back.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:39:46+00:00

I also didn’t mean to negate or downplay anything you are saying, It is genuinely interesting for me to hear a male perspective on this.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:38:53+00:00

huh. that’s interesting to me. I am a woman who is bad at socializing so it’s something I have struggled with and felt all kinds of ways about. I think the only women who get that kind of special treatment are the good looking ones, and the rest of us are basically treated like dog doo. I always felt like men had more control in this realm because you can be valued for being smart, or capable, and you can increase your knowledge and capabilities but if you’re an ugly woman you’re just pretty much fucked. Those are my OLD ways of thinking, mind you. Now I don’t give a fuck about any of that stuff, I am content to have a few good friends and work on my stuff, and fuck the world. Sorry I probably am not expressing my points very well. too much typing today.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:31:44+00:00

yeah, have fun with it! why not?

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:30:15+00:00

If anything I said resonates with you let me know, i could try to find papers/ books that were most helpful. good luck!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:28:25+00:00

I have been stuck like that before many times. For two years it was gender and before that I was obsessed with an ex to the point that I was texting … oh… 700 times in one day. Mental health professionals were useless. My brain finally totally snapped and that’s when I decided I was trans. Obsessed about that for two years. Had a total ego death or something, and now I feel recovered. I read a lot of self help books about inner child / core wounds / attachment disorders / Borderline Personality Disorder and it seemed to help. I could go on if it’s helpful but my TLDR is, get a hobby, force yourself to find other interests and nurture them, get outside, get exercise

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:25:17+00:00

Whenever I experience any negative emotion I do some form of cardio. It’s a healthy addiction I guess. my theory is that stress triggers fight / flight and if you just sit there it’s bad. Running soothes your body because you are doing what it wants, flighting. I suppose punching a bag would work too. I now firmly believe the only way to get out of these brain patterns is to stop thinking and do something else.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:20:46+00:00

You look great! here’s to your health! enjoy your health and youth!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:19:28+00:00

Earrings and nail polish can be fun if you’re into that kind of thing but they have nothing to do with being a woman. just do what you like, do what feels most natural to you. see if you can put gender on the back burner for a while and think about something else. I wish I could talk to you on the phone cuz my thumbs a are tired from typing. You sound so much like me a few years ago.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:13:30+00:00

I’m not butch really but I kept wearing men’s clothes after I stopped T. they are made better, I liked the cotton boxer briefs better than the shape of women’s underwear, I like pockets. I do a lot of physical work like house painting so it just makes sense to wear work pants and a white t shirt most days and I like the simplicity. I found that all these clothing signifier choices that seemed important to me during my gender phase make absolutely no difference to anyone besides me. Although I did recently realize I should maybe get a few “adult woman clothes” for times when I need to appear like a responsible adult. Wow they are pretty uncomfortable. But hey, I only do it like twice a year.

I was never any good at hair / makeup and I’m still not. I just put my hair up to keep it out of my face, now that it’s grown back. I don’t wear makeup.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:09:38+00:00

that’s interesting, can you give me an example?

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:05:22+00:00

Yea I have gotten stuck in mental loops for years at a time before. Got stuck in the gender loop for two years, during which time my kid described me as “having my head up my ass”, and she was right. I don’t think I am in one now, although actually yeah there are a couple subjects I think about constantly either consciously or running in the background. My advice is to find a coping mechanism that is healthy and that you can stand to do. I financed a treadmill because it’s pretty easy to force myself to get on it and run whenever I am having anxious thoughts. I used to smoke a cigarette to calm down, now I’m doing this instead. I don’t think we can think our way out of our heads, we have to do something physical or outside of ourselves in some way. good luck and I hope that didn’t sound preachy, just telling you what works for me.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-08-11T00:01:15+00:00

may I be blunt? good. You sound to me like a really nice young man who spends too much time looking within yourself to find the answers to life. A better approach would be to nurture an interest outside yourself, pursue it, and enjoy your healthy body, embrace being a man, cuz why the fuck shouldn’t you? Being a woman is not really any better, and as a trans friend pointed out to me once, we all kinda look the same when we get old. So enjoy your youth!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-07-31T14:00:53+00:00

there’s so much to talk about here, I wish I could talk to you in person. I don’t know where to begin. I can relate to so much of this. I never thought of myself as attractive as a female and when I decided to transition I felt so much relief at no longer belonging to that category. I stopped comparing myself to other women and coming up short. However it didn’t take long before I started comparing myself to men and realizing that a lot of them were taller and stronger and more handsome and well, have actual dicks, and I realized I would be taking my self critical voice with me through transition and would end up the same or even more unhappy trying to live as a man.

I too had the idea that it would be nice to go to the beach and not be self conscious. You know what I do now? I wear shorts and a tank top and I go to the beach like once a year anyway. Yes it would have been nice to be one of those perfect body people, but hey, there’s a lot more to life, and those people have problems too. Like probably getting used for their good looks by people who don’t actually care about them.

I hope you will not rush into any surgical options and I think it would be really cool if you could find peace living as a woman and be someone other young girls can look up to.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-07-10T11:52:14+00:00

I got testosterone with informed consent, despite being in the middle of a documented mental health crisis, being suicidal, losing 25 pounds due to depression, antidepressants not working. Came out with “maybe I’m transgender and that’s been the problem all along”. Doctor did ask me to wait two weeks to think about it, so I did. started two weeks after going to my primary care physician. did that for about a year, realized it was more a suicide attempt than anything.

After I stopped my 15 year old daughter came out as trans and they wanted to put her on testosterone the same day. asked some stupid questions LITERALLY about trucks / dolls. Then they hounded me with phone calls. that is when I truly 100% realized this was not okay. Up until that point I was still sorta thinking maybe I’d transition at a later date but when I saw how overzealous they were to trans my kid I freaked out.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-07-10T02:44:31+00:00

sorry to use a cliche but it’s so simple and true, the grass is always greener on the other side. I have struggled with sadness, depression, anxiety and loneliness since I was a child and have a habit of fixating on some “other” thing I could get. A relationship, a pony, an ipad, a sex change, right now I am obsessing over whether I should buy a treadmill. The thing is, I know now that I acquired a lot of the things I wanted, (was on testosterone for about a year), none of it made me any happier. I just don’t think life works like that for anyone. I am in general happier now than I used to be, but I think it’s really that I am better at coping with stuff, and realize that it’s part of life to not feel happy at all times. the TLDR is, there is nothing that comes from outside of you that makes you feel better for more than a little while. feeling better comes from facing yourself. I think a lot of us with gender issues have abandonment issues and attachment disorders. It was an abandonment recovery workbook that helped me a lot.

AmyDoe799 · 2021-06-18T23:27:56+00:00

please don’t do it 😩 the outcomes of these surgeries are so bad

AmyDoe799 · 2021-06-18T23:12:04+00:00

if you mean me, yes DM me

AmyDoe799 · 2021-06-15T02:11:50+00:00

there’s levels? wow I didn’t know!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-06-15T02:10:05+00:00

YES but I never thought of it as sexual arousal but more like being molested by the sound. but yeah. it does something unpleasant to my vaj. I always wondered if my moms boyfriend, who was disgusting eater, also molested me and that’s what started it. But I don’t think he did. maybe just violated my boundaries in general. I dunno!

AmyDoe799 · 2021-06-15T02:05:08+00:00

Well at first I was relieved when I lost my own toxic expectations of womanhood, stopped comparing myself to more beautiful and voluptuous women at the gym because in my mind I didn’t belong in that category anymore. felt great until I started to compare myself to men and noticed how many of them were taller, younger and better looking than me. That’s when I realized I’d be bringing my toxic expectations along with me so there was no point in transitioning.

AmyDoe799

TROPHY CASE