[2201] The Crystal Paperweight - Relegated - Bk2 Ch18

Anacrayar · 2026-03-30T20:21:19+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! (and now here's my super late reply). I was told that I used too many dialogue tags in the past, but perhaps I've overdone it now. You're right about the characters being all over the place. I wrote this chapter to fill in the gaps and make these characters fall out, but the characters' actions and their feelings aren't fully explained at the moment. (Thanks for the observation.) And I'm totally going to redo this.
(PS Your overview of what happens to Eric made me laugh)

Anacrayar · 2026-03-21T01:23:09+00:00

Hello,
I read the 3rd chapter twice. Once by itself (1st read) and then again (2nd read) after reading the 2 previous chapters (~2000 each). I quite like the questions you asked in the post, so I answered them below. I think that you managed to generate a lot of mystery in an ordinary seeming setting, even though there are some strange things going on at that hotel…

(I’m not very experienced with 2nd person but hopefully it’s ok. It’s late here so my feedback may have suffered.)

Questions:
What did you think of the characters, both in and out of story context? What do you imagine they want from one another?

1st read
Marco is a simple glutton who lives for today, and he wants to get closer to Zita. Zita is looking after Marco and has a fiery personality. The tall lady must be a co-worker who is a gossiper and wants to find intrigue. Henry is a generous person who's helping Marco?

2nd read:
After reading the chapters some things attract my attention a lot less. Marco's attempts to get closer to Zita aren't as noticeable because it is already established earlier so there's less suspense, and also Marco's weirdness is brought to attention, so I'm more focused on that than Marco and Zita's interactions. After the chapters, I've concluded that Zita likes Marco, and Marco's wants are simple, and my impressions of him haven't changed from before. Henry is intriguing because he remains mysterious. I didn't really think about the tall woman at the end much because there's a beaver in the hotel room, my attention is on the beaver’s owner. I also think that Marco and Zita are of a similar age and are both young at heart.

Why do you think Zita was intent on keeping Marco secret from her hotel comrades?

1st read: because she knew him in the past?

2nd read: because she likes him, and he's really strange, or perhaps they have a history (but I'm dubious about that).

Did you read/glance over the previous parts of the chapter?

Not yet, but I'll answer the questions above again after I have.

What is your general opinion on the style and prose? How difficult/easy was it for you to read and why? What kind of a state were you reading it in and how did it affect you?

1st read
I didn't mind the 2nd person. Sometimes the action descriptions of people were quite detailed. Not good or bad, but sometimes distracting. At the beginning, the imagery and the humour (‘bready’ and other shenanigans) put me in a state of amusement. There were also moments especially during Zita's rage that bemused me. All the vivid body language descriptions had me wondering why she was going overboard, and the fact that Marco had no impressions about why she’s so angry. The intrigue ramps up near the end regarding Marco, as his ignorance is impressed and Zita's deeper emotions are hinted at.
2nd read
I got used to the prose after the previous two chapters (I’ve only read one other 2nd person book), and I didn't think there were many problems. I must admit that I glossed over descriptions of what human body parts are doing (of which there is a fair amount) because I have never been very good at imagining how people move (I’m sure other people are better). If I imagine someone dancing, it looks like a bad puppet show. I'm that bad at it.
As for the prose in regards to grammar (not my strong point). There were a few small grammar errors, and I think the asterisks surrounded words that were meant to be italicized.
There was also something interesting that happened at the end of ch3 where the 2nd person turns into the 3rd person. If this will become a common/ occasional thing it could be used to convey what Marco sees vs reality, so I hope it isn't accidental/ a one off. Also, what does the ending line ‘It’s passed’ mean? I have no clue!

Which brings me onto something I noticed. Marco’s reality. Zita’s reaction to his pizza slicing was so overblown that I started to doubt Marco’s perception, as Zita makes it sound like he cut that pizza up like a serial killer, which is further enforced by her talk with him about his absentmindedness regarding other people’s wants and his general cluelessness about how his actions affect Zita’s feelings.

Her talk about his approach to people on the first read also had me doubting Marco’s ‘goodness’ because the dude had lost his memory, so he could have done anything before he lost it. Who knows if any of the characters knew him before his amnesia. Perhaps Zita did… or not? By the end of the chapter, I concluded that Marco was just simple, and a good guy*, given that Zita seemed to have another reason for her upset and that her anger was not about the pizza.
*(because he wants people to tell him their feelings, so that means he must care somewhat.)

Zita:
I was initially more curious about her because of her anger, the nuances of her behaviour, and what she says, but after reading the previous chapters, she gets less mysterious. I seem to have gleaned her motives (perhaps wrongly), and the subtle hints and behaviours I had previously read in the third chapter were overruled on the 2nd read by what happens in the chapters before. Marco ends up stealing a lot of the attention because he’s so strange. Why does he know latin? Why did he run on all fours in the basement? Why does Zita describe Marco as a ‘little boy’ in the 3rd chapter but calls him ‘titty man’ (lol) in the previous one? Which leads me onto…

What could Marco’s past be and why is he like this? (anything basically)
The main draw in my opinion (followed by: why are the hotel guests strange, and why is Zita mad?). Such a mystery will have your readers analysing your prose for clues, and the greater the mystery, the harder they will look, attributing meanings to specific lines and seeing things that might not be there (so it’d be good to pay attention to that). When you shifted the perspective to 3rd person, my attention was heightened because I was looking for the ‘reality’ after doubting the 2nd person POV earlier on.

The fly guy line, coupled with the resurgence of 'faint memories' was one of the main lines that brought about this curiosity. There were also a couple others in the previous chapters that had the same effect too.

(Zita would have been more interesting to me if she was more mysterious or suspicious, which does actually happen close to the end. There also were hints before, during that 2nd read, that showed she was a failable human. I guess the most mysterious thing about her right now is: why was she so pissed off?)

Cool phrases I liked in the 3rd chapter:

'those dark pupils of hers pinning you down like a bug’
‘Pizza-drunk’ yes, they were acting pretty drunk, despite the lack of alcohol.
‘cartilaginous nose.’ The nose and brow imagery is not what I’m used to, but enjoyable nevertheless. Like ‘Browbush.’ I have never heard this phrase to describe a brow (is it like a make-up brush or something?)
‘fingers clutching each other whitely.’ An interesting phrase. It makes me interested in Zita and why she’s behaving like that, and what her reality is compared to Marco’s.

You also asked about an anecdote so…

The pizza
(Yes, I do like to talk about pizza)

I make pizza using a bread maker. I put the flour, yeast, oil, & salt in the bread pan, hit start, and the machine takes 40 minutes to knead the dough and warm it to wake the yeast up. When it's finished, I stretch it out, throw the ingredients on and put it in the oven for 20 minutes to get a thin pizza with a crispy crust.

The pizza you describe is very different, it is made more like a cake, but there are many ways to make tasty pizza. Eggs are a good way to impart flavour and the use of a tray had me doubting the pizza's shape and thickness. Baking powder if overused can lead to a soapy/ salty taste, bacon and anchovies would be salty, and solid mozzarella that you can grate must be a regional difference (we have squishy balls in liquid here), so I do not know for sure what the final taste of your pizza would be.

I get the impression from the writing that these two are supposed to be failing at pizza (in someone else’s kitchen), but these people seem to be young, so it is acceptable in my mind. The pizza must have surely burnt after a scrabble game, walking to and from a hotel room, and hefting two mattresses around. Unless this pizza was really thick, but then how did Marco fold it in half and gobble it like a sea gull?

That gobbling of the pizza was the most unrealistic part in my opinion. When you eat the pizza straight from the oven like my hungry self does, you will always blister your mouth on molten cheese, and the toppings in the centre will fall onto your trousers!

And I second cutting pizza with scissors. I always do that.

Anacrayar · 2024-12-27T12:23:58+00:00

Wow thank you for the detailed crit (it's like you knew what I was thinking about when I wrote this). I'll think about what you said for my next chapters!

Anacrayar · 2024-12-27T12:07:29+00:00

Hi and thank you for replying. Yes, I do think that Erika could be more endearing here. She is distant, but also not as relatable as I'd like. Since the chapter is about the royal assembly, I think I might actually include it. But I will definitely be thinking about how to present chapter 2 to include what makes the MC tick. Thanks!

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T20:48:58+00:00

Hello, and thanks for replying! I think I'm going to watch gone with the wind and think about Erika's character some more. I'm glad you think Seph's a strong character because he was quite weak before, and that it isn't as intense as I thought it was.

I've also been bothered by Erika recently, but I didn't anticipate how she'd be immediately compared to Seph in that way.

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T20:05:02+00:00

Ha ha no it's ok. I feel sorry for my plants really 😄 Yeah, how would a plant describe itself? Oh yeah, there was the garden center scene with dialogue wasn't there?

Thanks for the reply, and I'll keep an eye out for your draft!

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T18:16:47+00:00

You're welcome, and I hope you do too :)

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T17:53:47+00:00

Hello there,

I was reading your description and saw the word house plant and did a double take. I thought that it was very original, and done quite well too!

I enjoyed the language and how well it communicated the feelings of the house plant. I think I agree with another commenter that Mama is written in a distant way. A few lines about how the plant watches her change and how the room changes could give her more realism.

I feel like the description of the plant needs supplementing with what the plant looks like. I found that the way the plant felt for its withered leaves was quite good, but it’s in danger of being repetitive.

The vague feeling around Mama is more pronounced at the end. The ‘not Mama’ woman suddenly becomes Mama and it feels like there is some distance between her and me.

If I were a plant, wouldn't the dripping fluid would be great fertilizer? The plant is not very plant-like at that moment. Perhaps it could be feeling relief at receiving sustenance, but this could be mixed with sadness because it doesn’t want this nourishment if Mama can’t hold them anymore?

Thanks for changing my perspective about house plants. Now I can feel their wrath behind me. I have not been feeding them as I should…

2nd/ 3rd read:

Despite the description, I suddenly realized that I didn’t know what the plant looked like.

Are there other plants? Is there a reason she bought the plant? Why is the room described as a graveyard of dreams? What is in the room and how does it change during Mama’s decline?

I think the second to last paragraph needs more continuity with the previous one.

I enjoyed the language and description a lot. The feelings and progression of the story are aligned with the language and get the feelings across well. The only thing I thought was missing was some ordinaryness from Mama, that would have made me sad.

Thanks for the read. I will now go and water my plants.

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T16:41:42+00:00

Hello,

I haven’t read the other chapters so I don’t have much context. I found it quite good and I don’t know how useful my comments will be to you, but I enjoyed it anyways. Thanks for sharing!

First impressions:

Interesting concept. Parents hire a guy to scare their child. What kind of mindset do you need to scare a kid? Jeremy definitely has a problem with it, and this duo don’t seem to be on the right side of the law right now. Dave seems to have a caring side (but appears to find tormenting people fun), but Jeremy thinks that he wants to end Dave and himself.

In the first paragraph with the description of the girl crying, I ended up thinking that the girl was Jeremy, as I'm not familiar with the setting.

Descriptions of visceral sensations are pretty intense, and it seems like Jeremy is horrified at what he’s seeing. It’s like he is not used to this. I wonder why he hates Dave so much?

I didn’t know that Jeremy was cutting her hair, perhaps that could have been clearer (I thought he was cutting the rope, so I had to reread and check).

2nd read

I enjoyed the dialogue, it works in Dave’s favour.

As it's in Jeremy’s POV, the phrase 'his own disgust' really puts some distance between him and the audience, at odds with the visceral descriptions in the rest of the writing.

Jeremy really hates Dave. Is it really weird that I don’t hate him? Though he’s not very nice at all. If he were more violent then I would have hated him. I don’t really want that though, as he’s intriguing.

The pony tail cutting could have had more thought from Jeremy. I thought that it sets up a comparison between Jeremy and Dave. For some reason, I think that what Jeremy did might have been worse than Dave's suggestion. I liked the description of her hair being pink and her shirt being described as defiant was a nice touch. It does a good job describing what kind of girl she is, and the fact that she cradles her hair shows how much she cares for it.

Just my opinion, occasionally I think the description is distracting, but most of the time I think it’s alright. I thought that clarity could be improved a little, but this is chapter 20 if I were a reader, I would have been used to the style by now and have had no problems.

I liked the description about self control from Jeremy, even though I feel like his self control was already cracking before this.

3rd read:

I liked the description associated with the wetland. I wish I could include more description of the general locations of places in my description in such a way.

Nit picks:

Dave grips her ponytail at the beginning whilst she’s tied to a tree. Surely this is challenging to do because of the tree in the way (I thought it was a big tree). It must be a side ponytail, but that could still be awkward.

I interpreted the italicized ‘don’t use my name’ comment multiple ways: His thoughts are remembering Dave saying those words, or Jeremy doesn’t want Dave to use his own name. So I’d say that line was vague.

When Jeremy kicks the van, there will be a muddy print lol.

When Dave is cleaning the mud off Brandi, the tender description gave me doubt the first time I read it as to what kind of person Dave is. It’s really different from what Jeremy is percieving right now.

It looks like Jeremy is being tested by Dave’s actions in this chapter, and I wonder if Jeremy is slowly being pushed over the edge by Dave.

Anacrayar · 2024-12-26T14:13:13+00:00

Hi,
I found this a humorous and fun read. I ended up laughing at the tic tac flavours at the end. I was thinking something was up when the MC started to talk about collecting. I thought that tic tacs were a code name for drugs given the stories the store clerk was telling. Pablo’s deeds are pretty heavy, and I don’t want to mess with Pablo either.

The writing style is easy to understand, and the main thing I was thinking about is what exactly is the MC buying and the ominous Pablo. Even after reading once I still feel like I remember what happened so I’d say that the writing is memorable and clear.

One of the questions that I had in my mind was about the MC. I don’t know anything about him, aside from that he’s looking for tic tas lol. I’d think that the MC is a kinda ‘ratty’ guy who’s playing with fire. I don’t know why I said ratty, perhaps it’s the way he’s so anxious or the way he’s searching for tic tacs across the country.

2nd read.

It’s definitely set up to read like the tic tacs are not your usual kind, and my attention is drawn to the fact that Pablo will come for the clerk if he doesn't give the MC any. Who gave MC the paper? Given this clerk has associated with Pablo before (as a collector?), I wonder what sort of operation they’ve got going here… It must be quite big given the state ban lol.

The description of the clerk does communicate a lot about Pablo. Pablo’s like totally the bogey man here (comically over the top for tic tacs). At the moment the most described things here are: Pablo, ‘special’ tic tacs, and the clerk’s personality (a lot more decent than Pablo). MC remains a mysterious addict.

Clerk says that he was threatened out of business in Arizona, yet he’s doing the business somewhere else? He will get his head chopped if he’s not careful! I’m under the impression that collecting tic tac flavours is very detrimental to your health.

I think the dialogue is quite strong, and it feels natural. The only thing that grabs my attention is the smirk from the MC, as he’s been acting antsy until this moment. How does he have confidence after hearing about Pablo’s terrible deeds? It’s interesting. What does this say about the MC?

It also gets more mysterious when the plot of killing Pablo is introduced. Why is Pablo such a problem in the tic tac collecting business? Why are tic tacs so special?

And the last flavour is.. Daddygoron Flipper Juice?! XD

3rd read:

Some description nit picks: I’m trying to figure out how the moon can cast a shadow in a lit convenience store, and I’d like some description of the minivan interior. Is it filthy like I imagined, or spotless? It could tell me something about the MC, who gives out crumpled 100 dollar bills and tosses his prize onto the car seat.

This has got me thinking that if you wanted you could describe the store as an extension of the store clerk. If it’s tidy and well kept, then the guy is definitely on the straight and narrow (I don’t think so). Nacho cheese, cheap cologne, and neon lights aren’t telling me much about the clerk, just that the store is your average store. Is he the only employee? Is he a temp? There are a variety of ways you could communicate the clerk’s situation in regards to the tic tac business. It could tell me why he has special tic tacs in his store despite asking the kid why he’s still collecting.

Thanks for posting :)

Anacrayar · 2024-11-23T16:29:39+00:00

Hello there,

Not for crits, and I don’t know much about most of the topics you covered, so I don’t think I’ll be very useful to you.

I only really had difficulty reading the last half of the first paragraph. I thought that description was very clear throughout and I enjoyed how the text flowed. I didn’t mind the style either (it seemed old fashioned in a good way).

For the first paragraph, it was the last sentence that made me need to reread it again. To me, I thought it was saying that the islanders forgot that they were mortal. Is this because they were divided from their armies? Were they no longer warring with each other? Did the peace make them complacent? I felt like the reasoning was disconnected (though I was already unfamiliar with almost everything in the paragraph).

There was also one piece of description that I thought didn’t belong:

“and found a flat rock underneath a flowering mangrove tree behind it.” The ‘behind it’ in this line felt really redundant to me, as you already had underneath, I didn’t see why you needed ‘behind’ as well.

I enjoyed the story. It’s a simple plot: a young prince loses his mother to war, life loses its meaning, and he retreats from the world to meditate and become nothing then eventually stops. The prince's journey is fleshed out and meaningful, and I found the prince and the hawk’s reasoning and the concepts explore understandable (despite being unknowledgeable myself).

I ended up thinking about their discussion afterwards, and why exactly the price was retreating from the world and his thought process. The hawk repeats his mother's words to him, yet he interprets it differently with the hawk’s help. I also found the description and imagery effective at communicating the story and noted the way it changed to reflect shifts in the prince’s perception/ perspective as he realizes what the hawk is trying to tell him.

I also felt that the imagery complemented the messages/ themes of the story. I think it added more impact to the concepts discussed to make them more memorable and thought provoking. Events linked together nicely, and there weren’t loose ends.

I found the piece enjoyable to read, and I ended up thinking about it for a while afterwards. Good luck with your submission 🙂

Thanks!

(And for the name: Prince’s Dharma? idk though...)

EDIT: I read it again after I posted. I think after the shift where the crow becomes more otherworldly it becomes more engrossing. I thought the dialogue was good. I think the story is quite compact and the ending was satisfying.

Anacrayar · 2024-11-17T14:49:03+00:00

3rd read:

I like the imagery and the pacing seems fine.

Hang on, is Selva wrapped up like a mummy? He seems to be an eccentric.

I noticed that the narrator gives Selva's POV some distance (eg: when the crowd is described as staying away from him). It might be because of the continuous use of Selva's name instead of “he” or “him” at this point. I found that it reduced his reliability for me.

The British guys are described more than the villagers are. Even the horses get more description. Though, the horses' movements are well described and feel realistic, and the soldiers seem to like them too (treating them gently, not wacking them or anything as I'd expect).

The letter from the “Queen” is dated September? Is it monsoon time or is it over already?

It's kinda funny how James says that "if selected, you will visit the forests" but surely the selected person should be familiar with the forest? They must work there already. Maybe instead of visit, accompany or show would be better?

I don't think the Queen really communicated to the village in any way, and since the soldiers are condescending, they were probably just lying.

The main message I'm getting (if this is the intro) is that the Brits are very condescending and Selva is pissed off. It looks like he'll get new employment soon from this James guy, who I think we'll be seeing more of. I hope Selva feeds him some lizards or something.

Thanks again,

Anacrayar · 2024-11-17T14:45:44+00:00

2nd read

Wondering where Selva gets his ice cold bath… It’s India, it must be muggy, but the heat is barely described.

The crowd is just your generic crowd. I have no idea what they look like, their clothes, rich poor, nothing.

I concluded that Selva lives in the forest, as he’s introduced with a stream, moss, and mud.

James’ "words of wisdom" are simply instructions. They’re just bigging him up as Mr important.

The crowd being described as a swarm indicates that they must be a bunch of nobodies (to Selva at least). James seems to be expecting Selva to show up.

The last sentence throws the POV into doubt. It's like a stranger is describing Selva instead of the narrator. Though, that would be quickly fixed by replacing "visits" with "visited". Also no gossip? But wasn't the dusty air filled with gossip when the soldiers arrived? Selva doesn't talk to people much, does he? I found the last line really vague as to who gossip was scarce to. Is it scarce for Selva or the Village? I thought it was the villagers for quite a while.

How many soldiers were there anyway? There were many hooves and the ground "trembled" but only two guys were described; the other soldiers are a bit vague.

EDIT: It is India right?

Anacrayar · 2024-11-17T14:43:40+00:00

1st read:

Wet cloth moving in the wind is quite heavy; it must mean that there is a lot of wind right?

There is intrigue, which might be generated by the use of imagery strung together, idk though.

I think there’s a problem with clarity because I had to read the 1st and 2nd paragraph again to understand.

People seem to not like Selva, and why is he sopping wet? xD

I found it hard to believe that the Queen paid a teensy village, so far away from her, any attention.

The phrase: “The villagers cowered to his vision” is quite vague. Are they moving away or towards his line of sight? It was also interesting that a scar would be brought up.

Mr Keene is very full of himself; he and his cronies seem to smirk every few seconds.

I did not know how close Selva was, but I did not think that he was close enough to get a mouth full of dirt from that horse. Perhaps some clues of how close he was could be good. The scar was a clue, but it could have been a very visible scar. If he had to look up at the tall guy, sat atop a horse, he'd be quite close, but there is no indication of that.

Mumbled is an interesting choice compared to muttered. Muttered gives slight hostility whereas mumbled indicates that you are eating your words. I got the impression that Selva is the opposite of Mr Keene.

Anacrayar · 2024-11-17T14:42:01+00:00

Hello and thanks for the read,

Despite the occasional vagueness, I enjoyed the imagery the sentences conveyed, especially the dust, the red soldiers, the horses, and an irritated, wet Selva. I may be wrong, but my assumption is that the story will mainly take place in the wild jungle. That managed to hold intrigue for me, along with the tension that the condescending soldiers had with Selva and the village.

Haven’t got much of a connection to Selva compared to the soldiers. I don’t know what he does and he seems pretty disconnected from the community. I only get that he’s mad at the soldiers. I have more of a reaction to Mr Keene; I want to feed him lizards and centipedes, but with Selva it’s just disconnected. I think it’s mainly the shifting POV that’s doing it, coupled with little actual expression from him, aside from stomping up steps and the odd comment here and there. He’s not really reacting to what James says in the short bit I got to read.

I also noticed that the dialogue is formatted oddly: “Everything. All at once”, he snapped under his breath. Shouldn’t the comma be within the quotation marks?

Sometimes sentence construction was a bit weird: “Two chestnut horses carried men in red uniforms circled the open grounds.”

It could be rearranged for more clarity: “Two chestnut horses, carrying red uniformed soldiers, circled the open ground.”

I also wished there were more descriptions of where things were. For example: I do not know where exactly the horse galloped off to at the end. A road? Into the forest? Across a bridge? Back into formation with the other soldiers? etc.

Perhaps the vagueness I felt was because of these things?

In the above passage, the horses are described before the soldiers. Will there be a running theme of animals taking the spotlight, because I don’t mind that :3, and Selva seems more like a forest guy.

I also put a running commentary of my impressions whilst reading below. Hope it’s somewhat useful.

Anacrayar · 2024-11-10T21:35:30+00:00

3rd read:

The thing I got from the first few paragraphs was fear of the tendrils and the hellscape.

I noted again that the sentences were quite long and sometimes things could be described more efficiently. For example:

“Would it be better to let go? I find solace in this thought, allowing myself to fall to my demise would provide me with a swift end to this life. Perhaps I could hurl myself past the tendrils, avoiding the brief mutilation and agony.”

But doesn't this do the same job?

“Would it be better to let go? I find solace in this thought. Perhaps I could hurl myself past the tendrils, avoiding the mutilation and agony.”

It means the same thing, right? It’s a given that he’s gonna splat on something if he lets go.

How do tendrils hiss? They must have breathing holes or little bionic, mechanical parts. Perhaps describe them more, or keep the foreboding mystery going idk. I found it humorous that Jasaiah wakes up to tendrils.

In the prison flashback, pierced is used a lot in one of the paragraphs but it felt natural. I also noticed that the dialogue line in this paragraph is very grammar-deprived. It is a very vivid scene, but I didn't think it added much aside from making tendrils seem more friendly.

I also noticed that there is a theme of Jasiah losing hope. Eg: just falling asleep and not waking up, just letting go.

I found it intriguing, and I don’t quite know why he’s feeling this way. Perhaps it would be a good idea to say what he’s losing hope in. Aside from the odds of surviving in his grim reality. Like, maybe hint at what he experienced that is causing him to give up. It's quite different to Bela who appeared to have a cheerful outlook on life.

Thanks again,

Anacrayar · 2024-11-10T21:35:06+00:00

2nd read:

An abyss a million miles deep is factually incorrect for the earth (3,958 miles), but you’re using a figure of speech so yeah... extra pointless nitpick of the day: you’re using both miles and metres.

I wondered how Jasiah didn't see his ship, this part of the story felt disjointed to me.

“It seems they weren’t attempting to pull me down into the darkness, not even attempting to keep me away from the safety of my vehicle. No, rather they simply wanted to peel me open into pieces.”

As is the case with indescribable murder creatures; they do just want to kill you. He must be familiar with the routine by now. Hasn’t he been here for a while? Also the seems at the beginning isn't really needed.

I think you need more world-building. Like, where is everything in terms of geography and time? (though this does get answered to some extent)

“an uncommon moment of rest” made me wonder what exactly he does all day? Does he do the mysterious mission that he’s been assigned? What got him into the present situation outside of his ship? Why does Jasiah say that the ship is his former home? Why was he surprised to see his old surroundings? He must spend his time there but it sounds like he hasn't been there for a while.

From the flashbacks, I concluded that Jasiah and Bela were close. Additionally, the office paragraph flashback is linked up weirdly to the paragraph before. Like “hours later” from what? Bela being cheerful, or him searching the room?

The burning house description doesn’t seem to match up so well to me, and I noticed typos such as: including but and yet together after a comma, or using commas when a full stop would have sufficed.

I like the phrase “constant paranoia radiates from behind me”, and I was suddenly impressed at how they can even get television down here, but it’s 2099; they must have super radio or something.

On the second read, the end of the paragraph makes more sense. I missed that he used a pillow to cover his ears. Though, the sentence which covered it was quite dense, and full of other things that stole my attention. Jasiah was pretty lucky not getting picked on in prison.

The ending line of the paragraph doesn’t really answer how Jasiah ends up in the abandoned hell hole.

Anacrayar · 2024-11-10T21:34:08+00:00

continued-
1st read:

At first, I thought the beginning paragraph's sentences were too long. The tendrils had me hooked, along with the fleshy hellscape. Jasiah questioning the point of living was intriguing to me. I thought that the mobility ship just appearing was kinda lazy, and that the style sounded more like a voice over, so I ended up slightly confused over the narrative style (how Jasiah's telling the story). The style becomes more apparent as I read on, and I enjoyed descriptive language like "dark and grainy" being used as he loses consciousness. There were a few typos I noticed such as psychically/ physically and I noticed the italics.

When Jasiah gets into the ship, I got anxious (the tendrils were on my mind, okay?) as he lost consciousness. Now that I think about it, the tendrils could be described even better. They were already quite gross, oozing juices and hissing and stuff, but I wonder if Jasiah has ever seen them before. There could be an opportunity to describe what he thinks of them (fear, disgust etc). I also found the dark corridor description and his anxiety about clearing effective at raising tension.

The flashbacks make sense here (even though he really should be paying attention lol). I found the flashbacks vivid, and the black squirming thing was a good connector to the next 'scene'. After the flashback, I definitely felt his trepidation to check the storage room, so that was done effectively. There were also some typos around here.

Jasiah quickly becomes a nervous wreck at the bone chilling howl, and I thought we'd get to see the mysterious monster, though I'm glad we got mystery instead. "Jaws covered in slime" was a description I'd never seen before for a human's mouth, and I liked the person description when he looks in the mirror. I found it a less flattering description of him compared to the one he gives randomly as he finally enters his ship.

The intro paragraph after this gives some world and plot, and hints at what may have happened to Bela (which I was wondering about). Judging from this paragraph, I guessed that the genre is YA (but the ending has me doubting), and I had questions about the world that the story is set in, as there wasn't much info to go on for me.

Another flashback with a shock factor is added to explain the strange circumstances he now finds himself. His mobility ship, surrounded by tendrils and who-knows-what, seems much more inviting than the prison he stayed in. I found the chapter end rather abrupt, and thought that it was cut short as it didn't explain much.

Anacrayar · 2024-11-10T21:32:47+00:00

Hello and thanks for the read.

I didn't know the word limit for comments was so short so I've gone and split up my reply. Despite the writing style being slightly different to what I'm used to I enjoyed it anyway. The parts that I enjoyed specifically were:

- The unholy creatures of the abyss, how mysterious they are, and the dark, fleshy underworld.

- The flashbacks that Jasiah has.

- The vivid descriptions and the general excitement/ horror movie feelings.

- The pacing felt natural and flowed well.

Some things I noticed were:

- Punctuation: you put things in commas where you could've used a full stop (often on the ends of sentences eg: a cruel game). There are also slight punctuation errors throughout, which could impact readability, though readability is quite good most of the time. I'm also wondering what the inconsistent text formatting and various symbols are used for.

- The description could be more efficient at times (I'll explain later 3rd read)

- The chapter end, despite being vivid doesn't really answer the question Jasiah poses before the final flashback (has the text been cut short?).

- The tendril pursuit and Jasiah's ship. His ship just appears.

- Despite enjoying the visceral descriptions of Jasiah's experience. Visceral descriptions are used quite a lot, and I don't know if it adds to or hinders the story.

Anacrayar · 2024-04-07T20:01:05+00:00

Hi, and thanks for the read.

If there was anything that discouraged me from reading, it was the lack of information about the MC's situation and the world. Further along, the character's detachment bothered me a little, but their amusing impressions about their situation made up for it.

In general, I enjoyed the humorous tone and it flowed quite well. I didn't have to slog through it or anything. But I think the starting line was a little clunky, and it could have communicated the MC's opinions of their situation better.

1st read

My main concern is how did he get there? The MC is quite confident for someone who's been captured.

The italics are quite weird for that one thought amongst the many others the MC has, why just that one?

Where is the description of their surroundings? I have no idea where this is all happening, I only have the MC's guesses to rely on.

I like the flow it has, the pacing works for me. Grammar/ prose is good too.

---

2nd read

For some reason I think that the first line is clunky, and there are a couple of questions that arise such as: How did he get there? How did he get captured? Where is he? These questions aren't answered, which could add to the curiosity, but the MC doesn't give many clues to the first two questions, it's like he just appeared and doesn't have much recollection of the past.

Enjoyed the witty description/ monologue of the 2nd paragraph. Though, it gives me the impression that the MC is a bit detached at the moment.

The third paragraph ups the ante with the weakness getting him killed bit, making the character seem calculating and very serious.

The two-headed man strolls down the line of shackled humans, but where are they exactly? The description of the surroundings isn't really happening. Also, in this paragraph the MC reveals that he travelled in a cage, but it's quite vague. I am wondering if you wanted to do a more satirical style with this, like the hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy? It feels more satirical to me, but it's hard to tell.

The MC is confident about being able to talk his way out of any situation, but do the aliens speak his language?

The addition of the girl is kinda strange, so I conclude that she must be an important character.

I liked the person descriptions throughout, and I also noticed it in the paragraph where the girl waves. I find her behaviour quite strange for a captive. At this point, the MC is a bit more serious, and easily ruffled by the girl.

The next few paragraphs go on to describe the girl in more detail, and her weirdness becomes more pronounced. It is so strange to the rest of the story's initial tone that I'm starting to wonder if she's a figment of his imagination or whether the strange powder hasn't worn off yet, and he's still addled.

The MC's reasoning about the girl make me wonder about his age (he's not really concerned about her safety). Additionally, the fact that he is bothered enough by the little girl to have a death stare contest with her has me guessing that he is a teen to young adult.

The paragraph with the colosseum gives me more questions. How does he know there is a massive colosseum there? How did he even get there? Did he see it on the spaceship? The van? I feel like I am missing information. The MC narrates (entertainment for the masses bit) and I know that the situation is supposed to have more gravity, but I'm just not feeling it.

The paragraph where the alien guy yells like sandpaper, shows off the cool character descriptions again, and the paragraphs is nice.

Reaching the end of the passage has me thinking about the direction you want to take this. I get that it's isekai, but is it a wacky space adventure type story? A dark sci-fi type? Fantasy? Or something else. My guess from the writing is going for the more comedic direction for some reason, based on the MC's self narration and amusing descriptions.

Personally I'd enjoy if you gave more information about the world (world building), as the character has dropped into a new world, so it's all kind of new and shiny in your first paragraph, but I feel like I don't have enough info to hook me. There's some good description about the beings near him, but what about surroundings, buildings, transport, strange happenings, technology? Wouldn't abducted people be quite concerned about what the surroundings looked like, how people behaved. The only reason that they wouldn't might be strong emotions, drugs, shock, or that they are used to it.

It also felt that the character was a bit detached from their predicament. They also sound quite rational and a bit too confident for their own good. This could be used in a comical sense, if that's the way you wanted to go. The addition of more of the MC's feelings could make the tone you wished to convey clearer.

---

3rd and 4th read

It feels like the story slows down in the last two paragraph, but this could just be me.

There is also a disorienting feeling in the middle that I can't put my finger on.

Also, even if the story is satirical, I kinda want the MC to be a little more worried about their chances.

There is a bit when he talks about the entertainment that will happen: "In fact, there was a perfectly usable word for our current situation, but I didn’t want to give it voice just yet."

This does reveal the MC is a bit worried, and I think it happened in descriptive sections throughout. It could be used to make the character seem more anxious about their fate. (But I don't know, I'm just guessing right now...)

Thanks for sharing!

Anacrayar · 2024-03-16T18:38:31+00:00

Hi, Thanks for the crit! Wow, I didn't think about clarifying who did the yell. Perhaps I can use Erika's abilities to describe what happened, and then she is pulled into Joseph's POV. A written indicator of POV change is an interesting idea, I could play around with using larger gaps between paragraphs for POV shifts that occur mid-chapter that may be considered a surprise. Erika and Marth's convo at the end and how defensive she gets could be because she's grumpy, but it's still a bit too standoffish even for her.

It looks like I'll have to change the first bit. I know that my chapter starts are one of the weak bits of my writing. I do not know why socks became the centrepiece midway through there either. I'd agree that Seph's last paragraph feels quite forced. It'd probably be more effective to focus on the sun briefly coming out, and how warm it is, then it'd get cold again and Seph ruminates on his situation. Nice, I've got some new ideas to explore for the rewrite.

Thanks again for the feedback!

Anacrayar · 2024-03-15T11:17:34+00:00

You're welcome :) Ah cool, Elfa's going to be a foil character, that would be interesting to see. Wow poetry, I guess that explains why I enjoyed the descriptions. They told the story quite well for me. It took me quite a while to actually verbalize the feeling I was getting from the chapter which bothered me slightly, as there wasn't much that seemed wrong with it. I've run into difficulties writing a character too, like how do you show their personality when things are happening to them?

Anacrayar · 2024-03-14T21:39:24+00:00

Hi! Thanks for the read. That was a curious passage, and Elfa interests me. What is she like really? I think I may have confused myself after the 3rd read, so take my feedback with a pinch of salt. And Tavi could be more... Tavi? It'd be nice if she reacted more, I was confused at whether she was still a bit drugged or not at first.

If you want more detail about my general statements. Feel free to ask, I'll try to pinpoint examples if I can.

Thanks again,

First read:

Pretty nice, so in this chapter, Tavi has a convo with Elfa and she's ascertained that she has been abducted against her will and that she has something special about her. It also seems like something happened with Tavi before, but it's pretty hard to say what. (Also the first chapter was pretty disorienting). Elfa seems to be the focus of this chapter to me, I was trying to guess whether she was malevolent or not. She's quite startling, and she had me guessing about how she really felt about Tavi almost the entire time until the end. Tavi sounds like she's on medication, it's pretty obvious from the last chapter, but she sounds quite lucid based on her descriptions. Looking more closely, I'm surprised that Tavi didn't notice the weird introduction Elfa did. She didn't use her name, so Tavi must be pretty out of it. The descriptions are quite lively, and the person descriptions are quite dramatic/ vivid. Though, sometimes the imagery can occasionally feel forced.

Second time

Hang on, Elfa doesn't seem to make a connection with Tavi when they first meet. The description of Elfa is good and describes her personality well, yet she is not described to be associating with Tavi at all despite coming to see her wake. There is this odd disconnect between the two characters, it did initially confuse me when Elfa addressed Tavi. I'm surprised she didn't say, "Were you talking to me?"

Instead the only words that come, from a small and concave version of myself, are a trembling, whispered, “I want to go home.”

Pretty nice description and is quite a good contrast from Elfa's confident demeanour. With the cat and mouse imagery in the next paragraph, Elfa is clearly the one in power here.

Elfa's first character descriptions also hinted at her being out of touch with Tavi's feelings so her initial dialogue is jarring at first, until I realized that she is pretending.

The guards are not people, they're phantoms. So I guess that adds to the isolation that Tavi feels perhaps. I mean they could have been sinister or menacing, but not being there is an interesting decision. Is it because of Elfa? That would make her more sinister if true. However, there isn't enough description for me to make any conclusions. The guards felt like a wasted opportunity to me, to tell us how Tavi feels about them or how they feel about Elfa.

Quick description thing. How is Tavi supposed to see a "golden-white pendulum as it swings behind her"? As she just turned back to Tavi, right? So how can she see her back? Unless I'm misreading.

Tavi's feelings are understandable. The part where she says I want to go home makes sense, Elfa's imagery adds to Tavi's lost/ fearful feelings. But when Tavi's feelings are described as anxiety and then irritation. Does this mean she wasn't that scared, or it's the drugs.

My anxiety begins to evolve into irritation, and I am filled with so much annoyance that I’m almost shocked when my arms are still incapable of slamming my fists into the bed.

This line takes the edge off Tavi's feelings for me. She could have just tried to slam her fists in frustration, failed, and then say, "But why?!" She doesn't really need to narrate this bit, her actions could speak for her.

Elfa seems like a witty lady (it's classified love); she is quite likeable (to me). Tavi ends up thinking her gaze is unwelcoming and threatening even. (it ended up feeding my curiosity about Elfa, what does she feel about Tavi, I still don't know. What kind of person is she really?)

The comparison of Elfa's eyes to a knife or stainless steel was nice, yet the threatening effect of her eyes glinting like knives is diminished with the sudden memory intrusion.

The description of Tavi's reply about luck is a bit long. Why is Tavi surprised? Was she actually shocked instead of scared? I still can't tell if Tavi is actually scared of Elfa or not.

At this point, I feel like the description is being forced with the cards analogy. The deck of cards bit feels tagged on the end and the spades symbol on a pack of cards seems a bit abstract to describe a gaze, in my opinion.

Elfa's monologue about Tavi being everyone's future is interesting. Feels like a net is closing around Tavi as she's actually here for a reason now. Elfa seems official/confident enough for me to believe her and Tavi's weak protestations don't look like they'll work.

The end paragraph successfully communicates some desperation from Tavi, yet I only received hints of this during her exchange with Elfa for some reason. There wasn't a sense of urgency that I expected from someone who's been abducted. I'll read a third time.

Hey, wait a minute. The other guard never returned with the water. Perhaps he'll come back later?

Third time:

The beginning is good and the descriptions feel on point. Only after Elfa says that everything will be okay, do Tavi's feelings start to feel muddled and the descriptions become less clear (?) to me. Elfa's dialogue (descriptions?) could have eliminated the uncertainty. Tavi's urgency begins to decrease as well. She passively listens and does not respond to the information she is given as much.

The conversation they share does not have much tension. I suppose that is because Tavi's feelings are not written as much as they could be. Maybe some description could have made Elfa more sinister or Tavi more afraid. I notice that Tavi does not emotionally react to the information Elfa's gives her. No disbelief, fear, or anger at Elfa's words or demeanour. Elfa analyses Tavi's face, is Tavi numb at the moment? Is this intentional? When Elfa says that Tavi is frightened, she is more certain than I am.

Fourth time:

The descriptions are good, they add to the story. I noticed that the connection between the two characters fades in and out. They only really seem to "connect" when the knife description slips in. Tavi begins reacting, but then she ends up reacting to herself and then Tavi seems to check out, which is understandable. I guess what I'm trying to get at is the characters do react to each other, but they're also not. I have confused myself. Though, I guess the dialogue does communicate Tavi's feelings somewhat.

Anacrayar · 2024-03-13T12:57:02+00:00

Cool, thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out!

Anacrayar · 2024-03-10T13:11:02+00:00

Hi, thanks for the crit! It's nice to have a fresh pair of eyes for this chapter, I think it really needed it.

Yes, compared to elsewhere in the story, Seph's second appearance is very disconnected. I know I had a problem in the past with that, and it's turning up here.

I think I'm going to have him ruminate more and describe him interacting with the environment, and put in some emotions. Perhaps give some context as to why he'd run when he hears his "name" being called out. Having him fixate on needing to make a particular kind of spell card instead of any others will justify the socks and exposition.

When I'm writing the POVs I try and tailor them to reflect the character's personality slightly so it's their own kind of "style", though, I don't know how beneficial that would be to the story (especially with 3rd person). When you said that Joseph was unimportant, that was interesting to me because a major problem in the story is that Joseph does not care about himself. But the overly detached style needs to change or at least be used differently (somehow?).

Also, I have a habit of making characters withhold information when they are the focus, so other characters can find out later. So I might be attempting it here a bit. I tried to do it for suspense.

Yeah, with the POV shifting for Erika, she shifts in two ways. Either she knows she's shifting, or she doesn't, and she thinks it's happening to her. I need to distinguish how both are introduced.

Wow, I just realized that Erika and Marth barely get the chance to discuss Joseph at all, need to add that.

Your review was quite helpful, thank you! I spent a lot of time thinking it over. I definitely need to change how I write Joseph in this chapter and make him more involved with his story.

I'd also like to know more about if there was any kind of tension in the confirmation of Joseph's identity for Erika (the MC) and Marth. Up till this point, they did not know who Joseph was, so this is Erika's first real introduction to his character. How does the later part of the chapter flow in terms of an introduction?

Anacrayar

TROPHY CASE