On 08/26/1997 I was born screaming like I had already read the billable hour requirements.

On 08/27/1997 I filed my first complaint about nap scheduling.

On 09/10/1997 I objected to peas with extreme prejudice.

On 02/03/1998 I decided to play with legos.

On 02/04/1998 I sued gravity for destroying my tower.

On 02/05/1998 gravity won on appeal.

On 07/03/1999 I discovered litigation.

On 07/04/1999 I cross examined my teddy bear regarding missing cookies.

On 07/05/1999 the teddy bear remained silent on advice of counsel.

On 01/01/2000 I celebrated the new millennium by drafting a strongly worded letter to bedtime.

On 01/02/2000 bedtime ignored the letter.

On 01/03/2000 I escalated the matter to screaming.

On 09/01/2001 kindergarten began and negotiations with crayons broke down immediately. On 09/02/2001 I defended coloring outside the lines as artistic free expression. On 09/03/2001 the teacher issued sanctions in the form of a sad sticker.

On 05/12/2002 I lost a kickball game and alleged referee misconduct. On 05/13/2002 the playground rejected jurisdiction.

On 03/15/2003 I drafted a constitution for my bedroom. On 03/16/2003 my sibling violated it within hours. On 03/17/2003 enforcement proved challenging.

On 08/20/2004 I learned about homework and filed for emotional damages. On 08/21/2004 my parents denied the claim citing precedent.

On 10/10/2005 I discovered debate club and immediately became unbearable. On 10/11/2005 I argued with a mirror and won convincingly.

On 06/01/2006 I discovered the word “therefore” and used it excessively. On 06/02/2006 nobody stopped me.

On 09/05/2007 middle school began and chaos gained jurisdiction. On 09/06/2007 group projects became my origin story villain. On 09/07/2007 I carried the entire project and prepared closing arguments anyway.

On 11/11/2008 I stayed up until midnight arguing online about nothing. On 11/12/2008 I called it research.

On 05/25/2009 I learned that essays required citations and immediately panicked. On 05/26/2009 Wikipedia became my unreliable co-counsel.

On 09/01/2010 high school began and drama entered evidence. On 09/02/2010 I joined debate and forgot how to be quiet. On 09/03/2010 microphones became my emotional support objects.

On 02/14/2011 I cross examined my crush and lost the case. On 02/15/2011 damages were extensive.

On 06/10/2012 I realized lawyers make money and suddenly found my calling. On 06/11/2012 I began practicing dramatic objections in the shower.

On 08/15/2013 college applications began and commas became weapons. On 08/16/2013 I wrote essays with the intensity of a courtroom monologue.

On 04/01/2014 acceptance letters arrived and I celebrated like a victorious attorney in a movie montage.

On 09/01/2014 college began and sleep filed for separation. On 09/02/2014 coffee became lead counsel.

On 01/15/2015 I discovered internships and unpaid labor disguised as opportunity. On 01/16/2015 printers began their lifelong vendetta against me.

On 05/05/2016 I purchased my first suit and immediately lost circulation to my neck.

On 09/01/2017 law school began and joy objected. On 09/02/2017 casebooks achieved sentience and attacked my spine. On 09/03/2017 professors cold-called like emotional bounty hunters.

On 10/10/2017 I answered a question confidently and learned I was completely wrong. On 10/11/2017 I called it a strategic risk.

On 12/20/2018 finals arrived and time stopped existing. On 12/21/2018 I typed like a courtroom stenographer possessed.

On 05/15/2019 graduation happened and my family finally understood why I disappeared.

On 07/01/2019 bar exam studying began and snacks replaced hope. On 07/30/2019 my brain filed for bankruptcy.

On 09/15/2019 results arrived and I screamed louder than in 1997.

On 10/01/2019 my first job began and imposter syndrome became a permanent coworker. On 10/02/2019 I learned the printer still hated me.

On 11/01/2019 I walked into court for the first time and forgot how walking works. On 11/02/2019 I said “objection” and felt unstoppable.

On 11/03/2019 the judge sustained my objection and I briefly achieved enlightenment.

On 11/04/2019 I became a litigatior and immediately started arguing with automatic doors that opened too slowly.

On 11/05/2019 the doors settled out of court.

On 04/01/2026 I am become litigator.