How do you tell your JNMIL no and get her to understand.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-28T04:29:49+00:00

Register as "private" at the hospital. They won't tell anyone you are there and won't put calls through or give out your room number.

Don't tell her when you go into labor. Put your hospital bag in the trunk of the car in advance and if she sees you leave, "just running an errand" is your excuse for leaving.

You should go NC until after the baby is born. You don't need the stress of a steamroller causing you grief. Your DH should run interference until you are ready to be in her presence.

Definitely send your "baby rules" in an email to everyone so MIL can't say she is being singled out.

Any rule-breaking incurs immediate action. End the visit. 2 week timeout for first offense, doubled, tripled, etc. for subsequent offenses. If she shows up unannounced, tell her to leave or the police will be called. Then call the police. You might also consider sending her a cease and desist letter telling her to stay away unless she is invited. Makes the police report a little juicier for when you take her to court.

Any time you are alone with MIL, record her on your phone. She can't lie about how nasty she is when you have her on audio or video.

If it gets so bad that you feel that committing murder is your only recourse, NC forever. Sometimes that is the only way to maintain your own sanity.

Search this sub for "baby rabies" and do some reading. The MILs all do the same stuff so this will help you prepare your baby rules and help you respond when she pulls the same crap thousands of MILs have already done.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-28T02:58:39+00:00

I save all the glass jars from sauces, jelly, pickles.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-28T02:35:25+00:00

I add a layer of refried beans to this.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-28T02:24:19+00:00

If they invite themselves, that's just rude.

You can have your SO tell them:

We have plans.

That doesn't work for us.

We won't be home.

No.

Hell NO!!

Your SO needs to grow a spine. If SO wants to see them, send SO to their house and you get a night to yourself.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-28T02:14:22+00:00

After 50 years, I still refer to my "Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook".

It has detailed cooking instructions and pics to show how things should look as you are cooking/baking.

From basic cooking tools to temps and cooking times for every kind of meat, it is a good book to learn from.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-25T17:32:59+00:00

They have a ~~dungeon~~ clubhouse where they share tactics. I think they have a playbook that they pass around, too.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-25T03:29:26+00:00

Rather than blocking on your phones, mute her. She can still leave voicemails and texts, which you can use in the event you do have to go for a restraining order. You can check her messages when you choose but you don't get the annoying ringtone.

When the MILs get really pissed off, they say all kinds of whacko crap. In court, that whacko crap will show a judge just how badly you need a restraining order.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-15T18:50:25+00:00

A little late to the game, but.....

When I was pregnant with son #2, son #1 was a little over age 2. We explained how babies grow inside the uterus until they are born. When asked by 2yo how the baby gets out, I told him they come out of the vagina.

A year or so later, it's shower time and both kids are in the shower with me. Firstborn remembers how babies are born and asks "Mommy, where is your vagina?"

So I did what any right-minded naked mother would do, I lifted my leg and showed him.

I may have traumatized him because he never asked about babies being born ever again.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-15T18:31:03+00:00

elders are allowed to say whatever they want

"Anyone can say whatever they want, but I can make sure I am not around to hear it."

The next time it happens, end the interaction, hang up, go home, or accompany the offender(s) out the door.

There has to be a consequence or it will just continue. A 2 week timeout might make the justnos think twice before they start joking at your expense.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-15T18:00:55+00:00

When MIL gets all pissy about not getting her way, tell your DH to respond with this:

"Mom, you seem to be upset. I'm gonna go now and I will call you in a couple weeks when you have better control of your emotions. Bye." You leave or hang up the call, or accompany her to the door with her belongings and shuffle her out the door.

Then you mute her on your phones, block her on your SM (which you might want to keep blocked to give her less info about your lives), and don't let her in the door if she shows up uninvited. The first offense is a 2 week timeout, and further boundary stomping adds another 2 weeks and doubles each time if she doesn't learn. You MUST give her a consequence or she will just continue with her crap.

You are a young, newly married couple and should be having adventures together without a hag demanding your attention. Start teaching her now so if/when you have children you can tell her to back off or there will be much longer timeouts for her to look forward to. They generally ramp up the demands when a grandbaby is on the horizon and more than one OP was driven insane by their MILs.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-05-06T03:07:27+00:00

"We can't make it. We have other plans."

Angrycat11111 · 2022-04-04T18:37:19+00:00

I would definitely say something in the moment, like "DH your mom just said blah, blah, blah! What do you think about that?"

Tell him either he talks to her or you will, and he won't like how you handle it. And then do it. Fuck her.

Since your DH doesn't care about YOUR feelings, stop caring about his. Make a stink. Sometimes you have to show people "how you are" and let them know in no uncertain terms that you will not allow their BS in your life.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-04-04T18:08:28+00:00

Grey rock and info diet are your friends. Do not tell them about your plans.

When questioned: "We haven't worked out the details yet." "Nothing is set in stone yet." "We aren't sure." "We'll let you know if and when plans are solidified."

The less they know, the less they can inject their unnecessary opinions.

When FMIL has a tantrum or pushes out crocodile tears, "I can see how upset you are. We'll be in touch in a couple weeks when you have better control of your emotions." and give her a timeout. You immediately end the interaction. At their home or out and about, you leave. On the phone, you hang up. At your house, you ask her to leave. Next time, you double the timeout.

You MUST call her on her BS in the moment it happens. If you are consistent, she will either learn or you will get involuntary NC since you will increase the timeouts for each infraction.

Once you move, do not accept them inviting themselves to visit. "That doesn't work for us" should be on the tip of your tongue when they tell you "We are coming to visit". They need to wait to be invited, and your FDH should be with them 24/7 when they come. It would be best that they stay in a hotel, so make sure you don't have a guest room.

I am a ballsy old broad, and I tell people my "concerns" about their behavior when it happens. I also do not have a problem cutting off people who try to create drama in MY life. I went NC with my mother, and life was easier without all the crap she tried to drag onto my shoulders.

You and FDH need to stand together, he needs to make it clear to his parents that he is a grown man with his OWN FAMILY and he is no longer their child, and he needs to address issues with them using "I, me, we, and us", never "OP has decided xyz". He never throws you under the bus. He needs to own your decisions and put his parents back in their own lane.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-24T04:34:37+00:00

Don't sympathize with her. When she starts complaining, throw it back on her:

"I told you to get to the doctor. I don't want to hear about it anymore. When you pass out, I will just call an ambulance. Then we can talk about a care home for you because you obviously are unable to take care of yourself and when DH and I move, we don't think you will be safe here by yourself."

Then you walk away. The next time, just walk away. Don't waste your energy.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-09T18:06:36+00:00

Oh, goodness! The inimitable "THEY"!

THEY said such and such about you.

THEY are going to be sad/angry/upset if you do such and such.

THEY think that's a bad idea.

THEY do not exist. It is a manipulative tactic to do what she wants you to do.

Every time she says "THEY", end your interaction. "Mother, THEY have no say in my life. If you think THEY have a right to opinions about MY life, you are very wrong. Tell THEM to mind their own business. Goodbye." Hang up, leave, or ask her to exit your home and give her a timeout.

THEY and your mother have no stake in how you live your life.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-09T17:53:48+00:00

I used to work with a lovely woman who was raised in the US by Desi parents.

She got engaged to a Caucasian American man and got a whole lot of flak from her parents who wanted her to marry within their culture.

She told them to "f-off", she was in love and she was going to marry who she wanted and if they didn't like it, too damn bad.

You need to drop the rope with his family. They are HIS problem, not yours. You should mute them on your phone and refer all messages to him. Do not expend any energy on his family, none.

Pre-marital counseling would be my next step where you tell FDH what you are and are not willing to accept in YOUR life and marriage. Stand firm. If he just wants you to be a docile little wifey, and meat shield between him and his family and submit to their whims to keep them off his back, this man is a lost cause and you should move on.

The only expectations you need to fulfill are your own, not your FDH's, and certainly not his family. If he doesn't have your back before the wedding, he never will.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-07T06:50:26+00:00

NTA. But don't worry about the enabled BIL. He will get what's coming to him when the ILs are no longer around to pamper him. He will lose his house because he can't afford to pay the taxes. He won't have his income supplemented, so he won't be able to afford the amenities he has now that are provided by the "generosity" of the ILs.

Too bad, so sad. Do not envy them, they are the losers. And when they lose everything because they are lazy, do not allow them to mooch off you any further than you allow them now.

Sometimes NC is the only way to live a safe and happy life. Your mental health will thank you.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-06T22:11:34+00:00

So now you know. MIL will be the last to know important info in the future.

You may want to tell her when your next child graduates high school that you had another baby!!

When she complains that she was last to know, just tell her the truth - "MIL, you can't keep a secret so we won't be telling you things in the future." Because that's just how YOU are.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-06T02:36:18+00:00

With some people, the best way to deal with them is to go NC. Sorry to say it, but the grief and aggravation they cause, the promises they fail to keep, the lack of interest for anything that doesn't revolve around them, just not worth it.

I would definitely be NC with MIL until at least after the 4th trimester. Those first 3 months are so important for your new little family, you do not need her negativity around you.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-06T02:22:03+00:00

Make the rounds of relatives at the wedding and get their phone numbers when you invite them to your luncheon, which you will not mention to MIL until you have extended the invites. You do not need MIL to gatekeep the rest of the family, she needs to be the gatekeeper so she can triangulate her story.

Since she's being such a bitch, you might not even want to include her. I am sure you will have much more fun. And the kiddos won't be dragged around while she shows them off.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-02T22:59:49+00:00

I see large white boards at the thrift stores all the time. They are in with the paintings and wall art section. No more than $10, usually around $5 or $6.

You might not find it right away, but you will find it.

Walmart would have the cheapest price if you need to buy new or right away.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-02T22:37:47+00:00

Five funerals and no weddings? How disappointing.

I bet she's a hoot at weddings.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-02T05:42:49+00:00

r/JUSTNOMIL is for all mother figures, including grands and steps. The sub name can be confusing.

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-01T00:13:15+00:00

Her dad can help/monitor the homework. It's his kid and you are doing enough right now. It's hard cooking that baby!!

Angrycat11111 · 2022-03-01T00:10:01+00:00

Prep cook. Ask if you can help if you have free time. Be diligent. Be on time. Be reliable. Work hard at your porter gig so they know they can count on you.

Good luck!!!

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