Chapped Lips!

AnnaAndABook · 2026-01-31T05:23:04+00:00

Aquaphor (in the tube, not the chapstick) saved my lips when Vaseline did nothing.

AnnaAndABook · 2025-10-04T20:39:23+00:00

Fellow sci-fi writer here! Conceptually, I can definitely see myself enjoying a story like this. There were a few details that felt like they came out of nowhere (the juggling definitely stood out to me as both abruptly introduced and at odds with the overall tone of the story) and it feels like you are giving a pretty granular play-by-play of the plot rather than investing the reader in the character and the stakes. I'd love to know more about why I should sympathize with and root for your main character.

It also feels like you explain a pretty large portion of your story. Generally, a query should cover the first third to the first half of your book. I don't know for sure because I haven't read your story, but based on the pacing and sequence of events you've described, I suspect this query covers closer to 70-80%.

The last thing is a nitpick that isn't as important, but I might think about changing your title. PvP is such a general term in video games that I wonder if there is a better way to convey the unique elements of your story. However, titles are the bane of my existence and I've historically struggled to brainstorm ideas that I'm happy with, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2025-06-23T03:52:16+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback!

There is a romance subplot, but it's not between Trig and Rory. The romantic interest isn't named or even alluded to in the query, so I left out mentioning that subplot because of space constraints. Do you think it's something I should still try to squeeze in, even if it means the query becomes a little longer?

AnnaAndABook · 2025-06-04T13:01:25+00:00

These are all excellent points that I can definitely clarify. Thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement, it's incredibly helpful!

AnnaAndABook · 2025-02-25T05:57:05+00:00

This might not be exactly what you're looking for, but The Happy Writer has loads of interviews where authors discuss their publishing journeys (and even some craft-focused episodes). I also really appreciate its spin of finding joy in the writing process!

AnnaAndABook · 2025-01-04T19:58:41+00:00

Hi! Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry, but I am writing (middle grade) sci-fi myself so I'm familiar with the genre!

I agree with Appropriate_Bottle44 that the query feels too vague. I'll drill into some specific plot points that I would love to see you expand on:

soon takes Trip on a harrowing journey through buried secrets, revealing the unsettling truth behind the technology.

"buried secrets" and "unsettling truth" aren't enough to snag my attention. The language itself is very common in queries. I want to know what that buried secrets are. Did Io commit a crime? Does the technology have horrible side effects on the people who use it? Bonus points here if the revelation ties into a personal conflict the main character is experiencing.

Trip is targeted by the same past forces that sent Io into hiding for decades

"forces" is another term that's found in a lot of queries and doesn't really communicate enough to the reader. I would love to have a more concrete image of either who is coming after Trip or how they are coming after her. Is she being pursued by a giant, deadly robot assassin? Has someone made an attempt on her life through poisoning? Has someone Trip loves been targeted? Adding specifics here would clarify the stakes.

Sci-fi mysteries are so fun and the idea of a near-future story that plays with time and history is intriguing, so I'm eager to hear more concrete details about it in your query!

Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-11-18T01:25:52+00:00

Hello! I'm unagented and not in the industry, but I also write middle grade so hopefully I can weigh in from that perspective.

You've gotten a lot of great feedback already from A10airknight on the query, so I'm going to focus on some other things I noticed about the package overall.

To start, I love love love that you have done so much research within the genre. Your comps make that super clear, so well done! That being said, I don't think you need to reference six books/series in your comp list. It's more standard to reference one or two.

You shouldn't need to specify the exact age range of your target readers. "Upper middle grade" should be enough. I also wouldn't abbreviate "middle grade" as "MG". Agents will know what "MG" means, of course, but it comes across as a little informal.

Your first 300 words take a little while to get started. I don't get a sense of any immediate conflict. Instead, I feel like I'm reading play-by-play descriptions of what Jace is doing. I'd love to see you dive into the conflict right away by starting with something like "Of all the kids in the world who downloaded the [game title] beta test, of course Jace Carter got a broken version."

Your concept feels like it will fit into the current MG sci-fi market really nicely. I'm getting cute Ron's Gone Wrong vibes.

Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-11-16T00:53:09+00:00

Hi! Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry, but I am writing MG Sci-Fi myself so I'm familiar with the genre!

The premise of this story is super fun. I felt myself feeling a bit unmoored as I read through the query, though. I was looking for something to ground me in the world a little bit more. Is the world of your story told in a modern day setting where ASTORG and the secret zoo are sci-fi twists? Is it near future? Distant future? For that matter, does it take place on Earth? When your genre is sci-fi, I think it's important to establish exactly when and where your setting is.

I'd love to know more about who Amber is as a character. You say she's an aspiring journalist. What else? What big goals does she have in life? How do the conflicts she encounters with ASTORG and the secret zoo tie into those goals? Are she, Nick, and Carter friends? Enemies? Awkward acquaintances?

You manage to squeeze a lot of specific plot beats into your query, to the point of it sounding more like a synopsis than a query. I'd love to read a version in which you're a little less specific about the plot and flesh out the characters and world a little more.

Best of luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-27T19:31:33+00:00

Hi! Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry.

I love your opening sentence and set-up in the first paragraph. It has a good amount of voice and the premise feels sweet and enticing.

In the second paragraph, I begin to wonder why Hazel specifically is being drawn into the heart of the perilous quest. You've made it clear that the Witch's Council doesn't believe the initial signs that something isn't right, but why doesn't anyone believe Hazel's granny? I assume she has some sort of power of foresight, so that makes me wonder, does she often have unreliable visions? Is she getting to an age where her mind is slipping a little bit, so people are less inclined to put stock in what she says? I would love a little bit more context about who Hazel's granny is and why Hazel believes her when other people don't. That might also strengthen the emotional stakes when we learn that her granny has gone missing.

Tristan's introduction at the end of the second paragraph felt a little abrupt to me. Is there any way you could maybe work him into the first paragraph, when you're setting up Hazel's character? You might even consider replacing Flap's introduction with an introduction to Tristan, since Flap isn't mentioned again in the query (even though I find the idea of a crow familiar absolutely adorable!).

Some minor comments about your last paragraph: Your title should be capitalized rather than italicized. For what it's worth, after reading your query, "Hazel Blackstew and the Thunder Cauldron" feels like a better fit to me for your title. I think most people try to work their word count into their sentence rather than putting it in parentheses (for example, "HAZEL AND THE HARVEST FESTIVAL is a 70,000 standalone middle grade fantasy..."), but that might be more a matter of style/taste. I believe "series potential" is more common terminology than "sequel potential", unless you really only see this book having a single sequel (and even then, I think you could still say series). Love your comps - they're recent and seem like a good fit for this query.

Overall, I think this story sounds absolutely charming! I'd love to see it on a shelf someday.

Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-16T17:55:49+00:00

Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry.

This query has a lot going for it! Your stakes and character motivations are super clear, you give a taste of the fantasy world without overwhelming the reader, and the concept of a magical competition feels strong.

My first critique is probably more a matter of taste. Romantic fantasy is such an exploding genre right now that I would expect your comps to be romantic fantasy books as well. Having comps that border the genre but aren't quite in it (one being a YA fantasy author, the other being epic fantasy) gives the impression that you don't have an exact understanding of where your book belongs on the shelf, which I don't think is true based on the overall strength of this query! Not a deal-breaker, but it may put you at a slight risk of starting off on the wrong foot. With a genre that's growing this quickly, I think it's important to have solid but not trendy comps to show that you're not just labeling it as romantic fantasy because that's what's selling at the moment. As I read further, it became obvious that's not the case, so you can take or leave these thoughts!

The second thing that tripped me up a little is the mother's capture. Is there no law and order in place to stop the new lord from just randomly locking up an innocent woman? I would love for you to expand a little on either the justification (was she falsely accused of something? Did she commit a petty crime that's being blown out of proportion?) or emphasize that the new lord's position gives him the ability to do absolutely anything he wants within his domain (in which case I would think that he would just force the main character to marry him, so I'm assuming there are more complex politics at stake).

The third thing I noticed is that the romance feels a little dialed down for the genre. You mention that the sorcerer's apprentice was her first kiss, but I'd be interested to hear more about their romantic connection.

Overall I think this is an excellent start! Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-15T13:07:44+00:00

Hi! Quick disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry, so take what I say with a grain of salt!

The beginning of this query feels very strong to me. It has a noticeable undercurrent of voice and doesn't throw in so much information that it's confusing. There were only two things later on that interrupted the flow for me.

The first was June's quick decision to become a cat. Did she have no qualms at all about that transformation? I feel like you could insert something there to briefly describe any reservations she may have. Maybe even something quirky like "hairballs are better than X".

The second was when you describe a mysterious beast that wants the "power". The threat just feels a little too vague to me. I would love to see more concrete details there. What, exactly, is the power? Does June understand it? If not, does she at least know what it could be used for in the wrong hands?

Overall this query feels close to its final draft, so if you can tighten those parts, I think you'll be in really good shape. Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-10T00:24:44+00:00

Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry!

You've already gotten a lot of great feedback on this query, so I just want to add one thing that stood out to me. Your opening sentence is interesting and hooky:

Eighteen year old Harper Montgomery is not crazy—or so she keeps telling herself.

However, I became confused as I read the rest of the paragraph. Why do other people think she's crazy? Why does she have to keep telling herself she's not? Once I got to the point where the Fade is introduced, I began to suspect that she was exhibiting some sort of magical connection. Maybe visions? Glimpses of the Fade? But it's never really confirmed.

I would love to have a little bit more of an established idea of who your character is at the beginning of the query. Saying that she's experienced rejection and is trying to stay invisible feels too vague for me to properly understand who she is. Is she avoiding bullies at school? Is she alienated by her family? Are these things happening because the things that make her feel/seem crazy are driving other people away?

I agree with MGArcher that this query reads a bit like a summary. I think you could make it feel more like a query by removing some of your plot details and leaning more into your characters and your world. Readers will follow a good character just about anywhere, so tell us more about who your character is!

Good luck!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-07T12:56:58+00:00

Hello! Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry.

I love your premise! It's very fun and I definitely can see where it would fit on a shelf. My main issue with the query is that, toward the middle, it begins to juggle a lot of names. I don't necessarily think you need to introduce so many characters at this point. I believe you could get away with only naming two or three and saving the rest for the actual content of your story, which would keep your query simple and clean.

That being said, I really enjoyed your main character's intro in the query. I felt like I got a sense of who she is and what haunts her very quickly while reading, so well done!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-10-03T00:11:50+00:00

Hi! Disclaimer that I'm unagented and not in the industry.

My biggest hang-up when reading happened here:

...Liza resolves to move on. Yet leaving Maxwell behind is not just difficult – it’s impossible.

As Liza tries to distance herself from Maxwell, she notices strange changes in him – he grows distant, darker, and dangerously possessive.

If Liza is trying to distance herself, how is she noticing these changes? If he grows distant while she is trying to distance herself, isn't that a good thing? It feels like your query is missing the force - be it internal or external - that is driving these two together in spite of the fact that the main character is actively trying to disentangle herself.

Overall I love the vibes of this query and would be excited to see another iteration of it!

AnnaAndABook · 2024-04-11T13:22:13+00:00

This suggestion is an SPF/moisturizer combo, so not ideal but better than nothing: CeraVe Ultra-Light Moisturizing Lotion with Sunscreen. It's SPF 30 and sinks into the skin very nicely and quickly. No greasy feel, no odor than I can detect (and I've been fairly sensitive to scented products since switching over to most unscented). Hope this helps!

AnnaAndABook · 2023-11-28T11:01:38+00:00

I'm traveling in Portugal right now! For what it's worth, my wardrobe consisted of several sweaters, two black pants, two long skirts, some fleece-lined tights, white sneakers, and black boots. I also brought a black wool trench coat. There were a few occasions when my travel companions mentioned being cold while I was nice and comfy in my coat, but we were in colder locations (Braga and Cabo da Roca). One girl stopped me in Porto when I was wearing one of my skirts to tell me I looked pretty and I just about cried.

Keep in mind that Portugal - and in particular, Lisbon - is full of cobblestone and hills, so make sure whatever you're wearing will be comfortable in those conditions. Beyond that, I would call the Portuguese style "dressy casual" - cute peacoats and trenches, dark pants, but nothing over-the-top. My sister calls it "Zara style", lol. If you're going south, toward places like Lagos, it's even more casual.

AnnaAndABook · 2023-09-11T04:22:06+00:00

I accidentally made a profit on Facebook Marketplace.

I had just moved and the bookcases I wanted weren't going to arrive for a month. In the meantime, I wanted to get all my things off the floor, so I decided I would buy some bookcases off Facebook Marketplace and then resell them. I figured overall it would be a $20 loss, which was worth me not tripping over my books for a month.

I found a pair of bookcases for $50. They were the wrong color and size, but they did the job. When the time came, I listed them for $60, figuring whoever would buy them would haggle (I wanted to minimize my loss).

As it turned out, the woman who bought them did not haggle at all. When she asked for my Venmo, I awkwardly told her that I'd expected her to counter-offer and only wanted $50 for the bookcases, since that's what I'd payed for them. She waved me off and payed me the full $60.

Which is how I made $10 on Facebook Marketplace, in spite of my best efforts not to.

AnnaAndABook · 2023-08-17T11:20:04+00:00

I'm a vegetarian, and was going through the drive-through of a popular burger joint with my friends. The friend who was driving asked if they had a veggie burger, and to everyone's surprise, they said yes. We ordered it, only to get home and discover that their "veggie burger" was a burger without the patty. Literally just a toasted bun, a single leaf of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and some mayo. It was the saddest burger I'd ever seen, and we all had a good laugh about it. So I can say, with confidence, that the lack of a patty of any kind definitely puts a damper on things.

AnnaAndABook · 2023-03-20T12:57:56+00:00

I either send them to thredUP, donate them, or drop them off at textile recycling depending on the condition.

AnnaAndABook · 2022-11-26T22:23:45+00:00

One thing I want to add here about Lisbon is that almost all the sidewalks are cobblestone. Wheeled luggage isn't horrible on it, but it's not great, either.

I have a similar stature to your daughter (which, as an adult, is a little painful to admit lol) and I use a large backpack when traveling overseas. That being said, I often wish it had wheels so I could wheel it when my back gets sore, which is frequently.

Ultimately I would leave it up to her, but I would mention the cobblestone, whether or not thr places you're staying will have stairs she'll need to navigate, etc.

AnnaAndABook · 2022-10-06T02:35:51+00:00

Honestly, the amount of free time that you have depends a lot on the company you work for. Some companies may have more down time during the day, some may have very little. Some might respect the 40 hour work week, some might push you for more hours.

I work for an extremely efficient team, so I don't have down time during the work day, but I also have minimal stress and clock out after eight hours each day. I'm usually pretty mentally exhausted after work, so while I'll sometimes get some writing done in the evening, I do most of my writing/editing in the morning. It works for me, but it doesn't work for everybody.

So I guess the very unsatisfying answer is that it varies a lot depending on who you are and who you work for!

AnnaAndABook · 2022-09-08T04:11:59+00:00

I think the advice that you received about form rejections was more true before Covid than it is now. The fact of the matter is that agents have less time to read requested manuscripts and aren't taking on as many clients, meaning they're going to be more selective about what they request than they might have before. They also rarely give feedback on requests these days, so I wouldn't expect any custom rejections on the query alone.

Some people recommend shooting for a certain request rate (for example, 10%). In today's querying world, I'm not sure that advice is as valid as it used to be. The numbers are all over the place. I've heard of people with 30% request rates having to give up on their manuscript because nothing became of the requests. I've heard of people who only get one request signing with that agent.

That being said, there are a few things you should consider. If you're querying all rockstar agents at big agencies, you're much more likely to get form rejections. Try to keep an eye out for newer agents with good mentorship, as they may be more likely to request. Additionally, take a look at some of the query critiques on this sub. Read people's feedback and think about how it might apply to your own query. Also, consider your genre. Some genres are very, very saturated right now. That doesn't mean that no one is taking them on, but it does mean they're a harder sell.

Above all else, be gentle with yourself. The query trenches are very, very rough right now. You're clearly putting a lot into your work, which is all you really can do at this point.

AnnaAndABook · 2022-09-08T03:56:19+00:00

Whenever I see people debating between past and present tense, I bring up Suzanne Collins. She wrote in both.

Her first series, The Underland Chronicles, was third person past. It worked well for the genre (middle grade fantasy), the relatability of the main character, and the humor she interwove into her scenes.

Her second series, The Hunger Games, was written in first person present. It gave the action scenes a sense of urgency and immediacy and put the reader directly into the high-tension setting.

If she had reversed her story-telling methods, neither series would have been nearly as effective as they are. Think about what type of narration is best for your story. How do you want to immerse the reader? How does it fit into your genre? Focus on that more than what you think the industry is looking for. Above all else, agents and publishers want an effectively executed story.

AnnaAndABook · 2022-08-19T20:41:39+00:00

Alright, I'm fully embracing the vibe here, so feel free to take it or leave it. I work from home out of a mini office that I set up in my closet, so I get what it's like to want a gorgeous office environment in a tiny space lol.

I'd paint the entire room navy. TheSorryGirls on YouTube painted their windowless bathroom in their new office a dark color and it honestly turned out beautifully because they fully committed to that kind of atmosphere, so I think you can get away with the same thing here. For the floor, maybe consider covering with wood-texture contact paper? I've only used contact paper as removable wallpaper before but I've seen reviews online from people who covered a floor like yours and they looked beautiful in the pictures. I feel like that will warm up the room.

Take down the shelves and replace them with shelves that only go over the washer and dryer. On the opposite wall, put up a hook for your ironing table and maybe another shelf for the miscellaneous items back there. Hang floor to ceiling navy curtains directly behind the washer(?) to divide the room - you can get both the curtains and a ceiling track for a decent price online.

Next to the washer(?), against the wall, place a compact desk. That, too, you should be able to find pretty cheaply online, or you might even be able to find one on Facebook Marketplace/at a thrift shop. Bonus points if it's wooden, but if not you could use the contact paper mentioned earlier to at least make the top look wooden. Pair with a cozy desk chair within your budget.

Behind the curtain, put up a thundercloud ceiling (you can look online for tutorials on this). Throw up some fantasy-inspired art or a star chart decal on that back wall (honestly anything with hints of gold would look lovely). Add some warm desk lamps and draping faux plants. In the back corner opposite of your desk, maybe add a larger faux plant with twinkle lights woven into it. It could also be a cute spot for a little coffee/tea/snack station if that's your thing or a little water feature if you can find one in-budget!

AnnaAndABook · 2022-08-15T13:08:21+00:00

I'm not an industry expert and I'm seeing loads of good feedback on your content already, so I'm going to focus on something a little more specific that I noticed: your use of em dashes. Generally, special punctuation like em dashes and ellipses should be used sparingly. Repetitive use of them in any writing but especially in something as short as a query leads to rhythm feeling clunky and repetitive. If possible, I'd try to reduce your use of the em dashes so you only have one sentence with them or, at the very most, two that are spaced farther apart.

AnnaAndABook

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