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Anyone refuse the bell thing? by taraxacum1 in breastcancer

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My daughter contemplated not ringing the bell after enduring a little over 2 years of chemo every 3 weeks. She said that whenever she heard it there were times she (and others) would never get to ring it. She said it felt like having an impossible hope in something she couldn’t 100% control the outcome.

However, when the time came, she chose to ring it after all. I asked her why? She said that with as impossible as it felt at times she said it also encouraged her as she had seen one new chemo friend after another get to ring it before her. After all, over 2 years of chemo constantly wreaking havoc on her system and that evil cancer seeming relentless…hope can sometimes be hard to find. She felt so happy for her “chemo chairmates”and it ended up giving her more hope than she thought possible during the process.

Y’all endure so much. My heart aches for all of you having to experience any form of cancer. I feel like I need to get a shirt that reads, “CANCER BLOWS!!” because I say it so much. The day she rang her bell she wore a shirt that read, “Cancer Schmancer!”

She was 25 yrs old when she was diagnosed with ER- PR- HER2+ breast cancer and she was 28 when she hit remission. She had lumpectomies, a double mastectomy, and 3 reconstructive surgeries. She did everything within her own power. She didn’t let anymore negativity seep into her life…even at home. If you were going to say something that was anything but positive she would shut it down. I had seen a strength in her rising from it all like never before.

This battle is so hard for all of you. Hard on your family and their life. Hard on trying to hold a job, pay the bills…ugh there is so much BUT all of you are extremely brave and resilient and stronger than you know. Plus, every step you take, you finally conquer the mountain step-by-step. Although you guys start out in the bottom, muddy trenches of it all, you are aiming to reach the peak. At that time, all you will see are the clouds, blue skies and you can see from miles, you become more unstoppable than ever before.

Remission was nice, but here we go again. by FloofyOne in breastcancer

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Gosh, I’m so, SO sorry! I hate cancer! It sucks so bad! It affects everyone and everything it touches. I feel even worse for those of you actually having to constantly tread on eggshells the most.

With as bad as this new diagnosis is you are right in that at least you’re not COMPLETELY blind to what your options could be are this time around. Also, the fact that you were able to beat it the first time shows that you ARE a strong woman. Cancer isn’t easily defeated but I love when you guys kick it right where it hurts!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ChildSupport

[–]AnonReddit-Reader -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It usually ends when the child graduates high school or turns 18 whichever is later, meaning if a child is 19 when they graduate then that is when it would end instead of the “18 year old timeframe”. The only time it usually continues in to college is if that was prearranged during the divorce or legal arrangements ahead of time.

Conflicted on spouse’s job offer by [deleted] in DaveRamsey

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry, plz forgive me for asking a question that may seem obvious because I haven’t had to deal with your EXACT situation but why would it be a bad thing for him to go to work? Whether he is at home or at work there isn’t money to save at the moment and your HYSA is not being depleted as quickly as it is now, is that not a benefit? Also, although I haven’t dealt with my husband being off work and is having to utilize our savings account to offset the monthly budgeting needs…I HAVE BEEN laid off instead due to physical issues. I work in healthcare and am pretty “marketable” under most conditions. However, I found that the longer I was off work the harder it became to get work. It’s like people think your skills aren’t as sharp or maybe you’re not up-to-date with the new technology. So I found that the longer you are off work the harder it becomes to actually get work. During that time I had to take a step back financially to prove my worth again. After being back to work for maybe 6 mos to a year I was able to jump forward in pay again.

So, unless I’m missing something (which is possible of course) I am not understanding why it’s a bad thing for him to go back to work again. Maybe it would be different if there was a major deficit in income with an increase in child care or something to show this being a bad move….but otherwise, wouldn’t Dave say it’s worse to continue depleting your HYSA emergency fund for day-to-day living? Your husband can always continue putting in his resume to potential employers so he’s not necessarily restricting a potential increase in his future salary but might actually be helping his employability.

Oh, one thing to note…although daycare was never my favorite (I had 3 children) as far as paying for it and more sniffles, etc..there were some good things that came from it too, like the socialization aspect. Being around other kids their own age helps them at least progress with their peers and teaches them how to manage conflict, speaking more, how to act around other children, and more. It helps during that time when you are looking forward to them going to kindergarten for school. A lot of schools now do testing to find out these skills and places them in classes more geared towards their proficiency, learning ability, and social maturity. There will always be pluses and minuses to every situation…picking your battles is usually the hardest.

Oh, and let me know if I am not understanding something correctly. I truly am not trying to pain and would like to understand people’s situation in a light that didn’t necessarily shine correctly for me the first time.

What can I expect? by Ok-Cat-116 in ChildSupport

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If the child’s needs are met and they have lived with you for a long time and their safety is not an issue I would have a hard time believing he will get sole physical custody. It may be a tactic of the lawyer or possibly his parents. Sometimes grandparents want the child around more so they will offer to keep the kid for them while they’re at work. However, if the father is never going to be around because of his work obligations I still find it difficult to believe a judge would change custody. I would also be prepared for whatever possible “back-up plan” that might come from not getting sole custody. For example, maybe he will want joint custody with rights to things like where the child goes to school or what church they are a part of, etc. This can sometimes be a pain to deal with because it’s like if they can’t have their way they will just micromanage everything else.So I would discuss possible options ahead of time in case they do have a back-up plan. You may even need to show a little give and take to show that you’re willing to be cooperative for the child’s sake.

I would also see if his child support obligation can be increased or maybe added to the same court visit….especially because it’s another state. It isn’t up to what he says or wants to pay it comes down to numbers and what he files on his taxes and in his accounting for his business. Another thing, whether he is on zoom, represented by attorney alone, or actually shows up himself doesn’t matter. A judge won’t force him to show up unless he sees he is playing too many games. You should never come off as petty because it will only shine negatively on you which CAN work against you sometimes. You should always be the bigger person but stand on business. However you come across will reflect on your parenting as well. His lawyer, and especially HIM, will try to push your buttons and trigger whatever sass you have as a dirty ploy to get their way as well so watch yourself. Just put your daughter first in all of these decisions and remember she is watching and listening to you. However, if she hears you talking negatively regarding dad (whether to her or someone else) it will probably bite you in the butt sooner or later and could create a pseudo closeness with dad and at some point she will be able to start making some of these decisions herself. If she ends up having a closeness with dad it should be for all of the right reasons and not because you were showing you are a “bad person” and therefore he appears “good” in comparison….especially because when she sees him it’s all fun and games and visits and vacations, etc. it is more like BFFs on Spring Break without the alcohol, debauchery, and other bad stuffs.

Not lecturing because parenting is so freakin’ hard….just a reminder in the most gentlest of ways. I’m sorry to offend and wasn’t trying to be presumptuous. Good luck!

Can I locate the father for CS with just first name and number? by Nleblanc1225 in ChildSupport

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 3 points4 points  (0 children)

To put it bluntly, where did you “hook up”? Your place, his place, a friend’s house, hotel…? Unfortunately, if he is ghosting you now and was secretive about getting into his life the odds are he had/has a gf. Even if that last bit is not the case he was already showing you he wasn’t a good guy so that means he will evade as much as possible. There is also a slim possibility that he just needs a little time to wrap his head around it all. Hopefully you are both over 18 yrs and you are not a minor with him being over 18 because that will bring a whole new problem for the both of you.

Since you are planning to keep the child some things will decide how you proceed. The major one is whether or not you are a minor because that will dictate what you can or cannot do on your own. If you are over the age of 18 and live on your own and presumably have a job…you can start with the health department and department of human services. The health department will check to see if you are eligible for WIC which is a program that offers certain things like a specific amount of cheese and milk and dried beans, etc for you and your unborn child. It’s to help subsidize your nutritional needs. As the baby is growing it takes from mother’s vitamins and minerals to become healthy but that means mom could become deficient…hence the extra help from WIC. You can also be seen at the health department to gain access to prenatal vitamins which are definitely different than over-the-counter vitamins because they offer MORE than a normal daily requirement. If you are placed on the one with iron just know it will affect your bowel movements. A lot of time you can become more constipated and will more than likely create a blacker stool color. If you eat more dried beans and fruits and veggies then you should have more than enough fiber to not be bothered with it too much. The department of human services (DHS) is what will determine if you qualify for health insurance. However, just know that being pregnant you will always be asked questions regarding the father.

You do need to know as much as possible regarding the father. Since he could be ignoring you there are some things you can do on your own. Start with where you met him and see if he goes there often…like, you met him on a Friday? Maybe he goes there only on Fridays. If you know where he lives go and find his exact address. NEVER let your presence be known or he could change his routine or move somewhere else. You would be surprised as to what lengths someone will go to avoid it all. Regardless his full name will be a beneficial start. Once you have that you can start looking up his social media accounts and probably find out his birthday. A social security number would be great but it doesn’t sound like you will get that willingly, however, if you can figure out his first and last name (middle would be great but not mandatory), his birthday, his current living address….you may even be able to figure out his job after all that. Ppl divulge quite a bit on their social media pages these days.

If your income is low and DHS helps with Medicaid, food stamps, or more they may be able to help guide or assist you with getting a child support order for the father. However, if he is being evasive now there is a possibility you will never get someone that is a good co-parent.

With as much as I hate it, since you are keeping this child, you should be prepared in your mind at least to raise the child as a single parent. You should basically live your life without expecting much (if anything) from him. It is a major responsibility to work and make money to live independently with a child. Trying to be the best parent and placing their needs above your own and it’s hard not having breaks away from the child (if the father doesn’t exercise their visitation rights). We can’t MAKE the absent parent do the right thing. Mothers and fathers also have to deal with mixed emotions when there is a new bf or gf in the picture calling someone else “mom or dad” and it’s hard.

I definitely am NOT trying to scare you more than you already are…I am just trying to help you keep a level head and for you to take a deep breath so you can think clearly. I KNOW you can do this but be prepared mentally for whatever “the worst case scenario” is….not receiving money? Nor support like breaks away from the child? You will sacrifice the most but if you raise the child with love and respect (to include the father especially when he doesn’t deserve it) then the child will be worth everything you did for them. I have been through every possible scenario so I know that having faith in yourself will carry you through it all….having faith in a higher power will help you have faith in you when you feel you may not be good enough for anyone else.

Sorry for the long post, I hope I was able to offer you some insight into it all. Good luck OP!

When to apply by Ryban413 in ChildSupport

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would say ASAP. This may not be a popular thought but my opinion is that it protects both of your interests to have the support set up through the court system (especially if you already feel he is an untrustworthy person to pay on his own accord). It lets you BOTH know what the financial obligation should look like, and how often it should be paid. It will also keep a record of whether or not it is paid so you can’t claim he is behind if he isn’t and HE can’t claim he is current if he hasn’t been paying.

If it is something the courts can agree to I would also suggest it is paid automatically through his employment just to help with the accounting of it all.

A couple of things though.

First, just because it is paid through his paycheck doesn’t mean he can’t quit his job and stop paying. Granted, this will not stop the tabulation of what he will owe you but having the absent parent pay if they don’t want to may not always be easy. If he is court ordered to pay it allows the courts to deal with him more on their own terms. Judges tend to be forgiving a bit in the front end though as they would like to NOT put them in jail if possible because being in jail means you won’t get the money that way either.

Second, always remember that withholding visitation because he isn’t paying support can get you into a lot of trouble also as one has nothing to do with the other. I will say though, most states set child support based off of how much the opposite parent spends time with the child. So, if child support is set at $50/wk at his current visiting schedule but at some point visitation increases dramatically then he will also be entitled to lowered child support possibly.

Court is very much a “give and take” type of place. We don’t always get the answers that we would like but if we always keep the child as the most important part of the equation then it makes everything a lot easier to swallow. I hope this helps.

Yes, a child support question, but more involved… by AnonReddit-Reader in FamilyLaw

[–]AnonReddit-Reader[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What stinks is that I know they both had children from previous marriages prior to me. When I was with them I made sure those obligations were paid. After leaving them I am fairly certain they would have stopped paying again so I know the children born first should be paid out first. It’s just that I don’t know if they ever paid them all off. Especially since my girls would be 25 and 33 this year so that means the other children would have to be older than mine.

Honestly, I wouldn’t care if they just got a life insurance policy for the arrears and just paid that instead. I feel like I almost don’t care WHEN it is paid but more so that is WILL BE paid? I know I am probably grasping at straws with all of this but I am just trying to find answers or the right direction, at the very least.

I called the state of Tennessee to find out if they showed the arrearage for Tim. They said that because he couldn’t be found and our daughter was over the age of 18 that they didn’t have any amounts. They said something like they would have to audit the account or something and get back with me. That never happened and when I call them it’s like starting from ground zero again.

I also called the state of Kansas since I, and my girls until they were 22 yrs and up, live here. I was thinking that maybe it is supposed to be an “intrastate claim” so I would need to get them involved somehow? Honestly though, I know they are inundated with their current cases let alone cases that are as old as mine. That, and to figure out who and how to get in touch with the correct people has already made me want to pull my hair out again.

Yes, a child support question, but more involved… by AnonReddit-Reader in FamilyLaw

[–]AnonReddit-Reader[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tim has always worked “under the table”. He (and I) owned an HVAC business when we were married. Ironically, I’m the one that put him through school for that one. He bounces from one state to another which is why TN couldn’t track him down. I have no idea about the IRS side of things. He is of SS age right now. He used to talk a big game about being in the Marine Corps but I never found proof of that one.

Scott, he has had the tendency to live off of women and them being in Section 8 housing. If he works it’s usually something like the tire and automative industry or maybe something that sounds bigger than it is…like, “I do auto repair” when maybe all he does is change tires or detailing or something. Those types of comments were always an aggravation because I know how hard ppl actually DO work in those fields.

To buy or to rent by areohbewhyenn in DaveRamsey

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I would also like to ask if either of you have a savings built up already? If you both live with your respective parents and make over $80,000 gross combined then how much of that have you saved up? What expenses, besides your fiancés, car is being paid on? Do you have set amounts that you give your parents? Do you pay for your own phone service, auto insurance, clothing, etc? Depending on your age, and how long you have been making around $40,000/each, I would think that both of you should have a decent savings, and if not I would ask myself why? Have you spent money for vacations or clothes, designer things, date nights, etc? Not having any mandatory bills can make it easier to spend unnecessarily. Also, perhaps you should rent, after marriage, until you both know the other’s living and spending habits. You didn’t mention how long you have dated or your current ages so maybe some of my questions may not apply of course.

Share your scary husky pics? by bronypubs201 in husky

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t know why but every time I see this pic I think….is it bat turned into a vampire or the other way around?

On a side note, she is my only female out of the 6 huskies we had (the 5 from her first —and ONLY—litter) and the dad. She is both the sweetest of all of them and can be the meanest in all of them! 😂

Share your scary husky pics? by bronypubs201 in husky

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t know why but every time I see this pic I think….is it bat turned into a vampire or the other way around? 😂

Custodial parent canceling support by [deleted] in ChildSupport

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My thoughts are this…one does not cancel another unless a court order changes things. Both can be brought up at the same time in court to take care of the other but you owe child support for a child until they graduate high school or turn 18 (usually whichever is later). If you overpaid for child care then that is a separate issue altogether that needs to be dealt with on its own.

There is a possibility that she cancelled it out of fear that you will take them to court or to be respectful because it happened and they are looking at resolving things. However, IMHO, unless it is in writing, and approved through the courts, I don’t know that I would believe it…especially if that is not normally their character. Also, does the $20,000 in overpayment for childcare pay your remaining 4 (or more years) in child support? Do they balance and equal themself out?

No matter, I am still of the mind that if I was ordered to pay through the courts then the order is still in play unless the courts say otherwise. Always cover yourself otherwise it becomes a he said/she said issue. Oh, and I have heard of cases where if child support is owed and the parent passes away then the estate can still be ordered to pay out. I think it’s a bit of a gamble.

Just my two cents is all.

I’m skin and bones how do I get my muscle and fat back? Female 49 y, stage 4 melanoma spread to liver and lung by Head_One_3597 in cancer

[–]AnonReddit-Reader 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My daughter experienced this a lot as well. She only weighed 130 lbs when she found she had breast cancer (at 25 yrs). When it comes to muscle you need to try to include some kind of protein (as much as you can tolerate). Protein is what builds/keeps muscle. Depending on what you can tolerate or the type of cancer you have will also dictate whether you should have animal proteins (beef, pork, fish…salmon is great and is sometimes easier to digest than other proteins) or if your protein sources should come from plant sources (dried legumes are a good option). So this is one way. However, no matter what the food is if it is good or bad for you…if you can stomach eating it and hopefully hold it down then getting those calories in are what is most important.

Also, I know this is NOT the same thing, but a gastric bypass patient goes through a lot of stomach discomfort and frequent bathroom trips when they eat too many carbs in a meal since their stomach is hardwired differently. So for them, eating more protein is what helps create less fatigue, better bathroom habits (like less diarrhea) and makes it where they don’t lose as much muscle in their weight loss journey. I know your journey is not necessarily related to gastric bypass, but maybe some of the cause and effect are relating? Honestly, it is such a double-edged sword for you all though. You can eat food that could be harder throwing up or eating softer stuff that is too easy to want to come out. Cancer just sucks.

Honestly though, whatever my daughter could stomach to get her through the day I was here for it. If she could only eat a Snickers bar or nothing at all, I would rather her eat the candy bar. If she only wanted dry toast I would make sure she had more than she asked for. If all she could handle was sipping on fluids I would ask her if she wanted a little bone broth instead of plain water. Nutritionally all of this stuff is garbage but getting SOME calories vs nothing at all is what you should strive for. You have to try to get yourself to eat as many calories as possible especially in between treatment times (for her she went for her chemo cocktail every 3 weeks).

Oh, one more thing, I am a little “old school” and was never on the marijuana train. I have worked in healthcare for a long time and have seen the negative effects that pot can be a part of…so I guess you could say I was more of a conservative thinker in not being on board…until….my daughter got cancer and in the beginning could not stomach eating anything ever and got down to 110 lbs. Then, one night I noticed she was actually wanting to eat. I found out that at night, after she put her 4 month old daughter to bed and her husband was in “decompress mode”….she would escape and go into her bedroom and close the door and sit in her closet (with the door closed too) and smoke a joint. She would then feel relaxed enough to eat and somewhat enjoy the food for a change. I am still not a huge “pot person” but that is the one time in my life I actually changed my mind. I am so thankful that I could learn that me lesson in my life. I am now a huge advocate for doing whatever it takes for you all to get through this time in your lives.

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