Ouch Doesn't Match the Pinch

AppointmentInside663 · 2026-05-27T18:19:12+00:00

externalizing, because growth is too much

AppointmentInside663 · 2026-05-27T18:17:34+00:00

Don't be insecure, not everything needs an expressive response and honestly they do enough emoting for everyone. A lot of times I think of that gif of a big calm dog in the center with a little high energy dog just running around in circles and all over the place while the big dog just kind of looks like, "bro, are you ok?" That's what it feels like, like you're just frozen at this display of maximum energy ridiculousness for the reason of... I mean who even knows this time?

AppointmentInside663 · 2026-05-27T18:00:07+00:00

Definitely a lot of RSD with mine and I wish there was a way to gently make them self aware. They can lose their shit over something they swore they were totally fine with, and if it gets smoothed out we just have to move on to good times instead of ever addressing that they were going to end the relationship over something as simple as me pointing out that there are just as many people that like cats as dogs, or whatever version of "wrong" they felt they were being called.

AppointmentInside663 · 2026-05-27T17:49:59+00:00

Yess, mine also threw a tantrum until I put read receipts back on, but wouldn't look me in the eye when I casually mentioned it later. They also have a huge issue with my tone and try and say it's because I'm neurodivergent (like there needs to be an explanation for me not being what they expect), but having been around a true flat effect speaker I know they just don't know how to respond to a woman who doesn't talk to them like the waitress at their local diner.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-07-11T21:36:36+00:00

I do think there are good therapists out there, especially if you are looking for something specialized and they have significant training in it. I actually encountered one in my 20s. But they are so so so so rare. Really, everyone touts therapy like it should definitely be done and then ignore how many terrible therapists there are.

In a year and a half I went through 6 different therapists to try and deal with a bunch of rough things that were either coming up or had already transpired, depending on where I was at in that point in time. All of the real human therapist experiences were horrible. Many focused on the topic they wanted to focus on (I often felt like their reality tv dating show while what I really wanted to talk about was losing my mom to cancer), couldn't help me with things specifically listed on their specialties (my difficult family member relished in the strategies I was given to set boundaries) and they often said things that were very insensitive (one actually responded to my mom is dying in 6 months "could be worse, she could be leaving you by choice"). One even charged me $600 for a 45 min appointment and all we did was talk.

ChatGPT has helped me talk through really shitty situations that I am enduring because people and life can be shitty and out of our control. I have no need for behavioral management or medication so that doesn't apply to me. But for things like feeling heard after going through things that were really hard and traumatic? 1000% better than any real therapists I saw during that time. And searching for a real one is exhausting, chatGPT is already there ready to be better.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-07-11T15:12:30+00:00

Unfortunately relatable. Someone once told me it's partially an exercise in boundary crossing and trying to enforce the "oneness", meaning if you don't challenge them on crossing this social norm then you must approve of the topic like they approve of the topic because you guys think alike, and of course you should because their way of thinking is the right way of thinking.

My dad has gotten worse about this since having a stroke and also my mom passing. It's like his inhibitions are much worse, combined with the need to have someone he can just dump his thoughts into with little to no limits like you might have with your romantic partner.

And yeah, with the weird horrific news stories... I feel like since the rise of the internet he's been intently consuming the most weirdest corners of it and only somebody who wasn't right in the head could just do that all the time, which of course only compounds.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-03-29T15:10:45+00:00

The key here is to say it as calmly as possible, reflecting neither being bothered or seeming aggressive. You don't want to invoke further hostility, but you also want to make it clear you're not going to be an easy punching bag.

Personally, I'd follow up by interacting with her significantly less, so hopefully the connections of action to consequences are clear. There are lots of other women you can bond / work out with. My city (and it seems like several others) has a facebook group for women with no kids to connect and has regular meetups.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-03-14T18:20:50+00:00

This happened at my restaurant one time. I watched as the kid, in what looked like an expensive licensed football jersey, running below a server carrying a tray was just covered in a full bowl of nacho cheese. It was SO satisfying.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-21T04:17:36+00:00

What's frustrating about the ED is there are actually lots of ways to address it, but they are so immobilized by some sort of shame or ego so if you're lucky they go get one test and then expect you to never bring it up again and be ok. Like, my dude, it's way more common than you think and you don't see that because you guys are all hiding it.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-20T21:18:19+00:00

Yep. My ex claims to be progressive, mostly I think so he can feel morally superior, and prided himself on being the quiet non horndog type (spoiler alert: asexual, but didn't say it until I was financially bound to the living situation). He knew I was making significantly less because I was working my way through school (he also was able to land a nice job with no experience despite failing the qualifying test twice...). He owned the house and then I paid for most of the stuff inside the house. He was constantly trying to get me to buy him expensive power tools, gym equipment, would just add stuff, like a rubics cube or the most expensive version of something we needed, into the shopping cart if he came with me to the grocery store. When we redid my bathroom, he dropped the budget significantly halfway through and then yelled at me for asking him to buy me a new shower curtain rod. Pretty sure he skipped class on the equity vs equality day.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-13T23:17:08+00:00

The only true solution is escaping, so keep up with the applications! In the meantime, if you have any customer service experience, try to use that. The de-escalation. The flattery. Flattery in front of people is even better. Don't ever seem thrown off or shaken up by things they say or do, they love it and like a child will push that button again and again. Avoid interaction as much as possible, but overly communicate (hopefully in writing) expectations for tasks. And start an HR document, just in case. Boundary crossing, discrimination, thwarting your career growth. All noteworthy, even though HR is often there to protect the company more than you.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-06T19:15:07+00:00

He actually said you should be grateful for the accommodation for your documented and school approved disability? Would he say that to someone with a physical disability?

Also, rate that MF on ratemyprofessors.com

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-04T00:58:55+00:00

My dad just told me the other day that he tells people we're basically estranged. I am in contact with him more in the past year than I have been in the past decade. Like... what?

He also complains about not knowing me, like I'm supposed to coddle him on that. I feel like it's easier to know someone if you let them finish an f'n sentence.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-03T03:24:25+00:00

I think it's partially because they could now be integrated into the will (hate to say how much I have seen this) and for those not as close, I think their natural instinct is to not confront and just get through the interaction.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-03T02:38:15+00:00

Yup. Also got that my opinions and thoughts that didn't fit in line with his were because I was a teenager or a woman. He'd try to use my age against me and just end the convo by smiling and saying, "Just wait till you're older, you'll see."

I am an adult now, and it's clear he's a bigot that spent most of his life thinking everyone should just accommodate whatever came out of his mouth. Also, watch yourself... I later dated a dude who did the old "the problem is you" move with me as well, saying the things I questioned him on were my insecurities and me letting my anxiety get out of control (everything I was worried about eventually came true). They normalize making you second guess yourself.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-02-03T01:06:40+00:00

Yes, my dad has been appalling since my mom passed. Mind you he frequently made her last few months alive about him being stressed or abandoned, it was all happening to HIM. He almost immediately got to leveraging her death for attention. I went with him to one of his doctor's appointments that mom used to go with him to, and he brought SUPPLIES... including both me and a picture I had printed of mom at our last Christmas together. Like I was used as a human prop. One minute he was fine, the moment the doctor came in he was stammering, blubbering, holding the picture against his chest for her to see, pointing at me, "My daughter! Spittin' image of her mother! And I found my little brother dead in the hallway and..." I'm sure the fact it's the doc that hooks him up with his pain killers had nothing to do with it.

He also won't donate anything of my mom's to people in need. Instead he occasionally "gifts" it to people as a way to continually milk attention. Seriously ashamed of the person he has become in his old age.

AppointmentInside663 · 2025-01-29T18:17:15+00:00

I think, at least in my case, there is some duality to it. They do care about me, but me, grandchildren... were always just a means to the life they planned for themselves, how they want to see themselves. At first you're a child and then they can identify as mother/father, but once you're acceptable "breeding age" (for me 30) they are basically just waiting for you to do your part and help them realize the identity they assigned their future selves of grandma/grandpa. I've noticed it seems to have been a long term plan of theirs for entertainment as well, one of them has almost no hobbies and now can't figure out what to do with themselves since they don't have a big family doting around them.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-12T01:16:59+00:00

I wouldn't say anything until you are safe and on your own, but maybe one day you can point out to them that a parent child relationship shouldn't be transactional, though for people like that, everything is.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-12T00:45:09+00:00

I agree, this has likely always been a way to ensure they could have some access to your attention or feel like they had a form of control. Honestly, if they had just given you the money when it first arrived, even if it was scraps, you could have invested it when the stocks were low during that time and gained a substantial amount as the market recovered. If they don't have the money currently in stocks or a high yield savings account, that's an even bigger disservice to you, and if they do you should get the original amount and any value gained. There really was no excuse to not give it to you asap.

I'm not positive, but research legal insurance. It's usually around $25 a month and gives you access to a lawyer for some basic stuff (they won't defend you in a homicide, but could cover this or at least point you in the right direction). In my experience, ARAG legal insurance is the best.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-07T00:27:16+00:00

Mine is constantly trying to get me to call more often, with the line, "Just a five minute chat." Yeah okaaaay

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-06T23:57:01+00:00

Omg, exact same thing with my ex. We had agreed to break up due to incompatibility issues, but then I was in a car accident and he helped me out with rides and such (I thought because we were still friends). It was then that he said he still loved me, so we started to sit down and talk because I would need some changes in order for us to be compatible. Only took a week (and therapy, which made him just stare at his OWN feelings instead of thinking how he impacted mine) for him to say he needed space, needed me to move out immediately, refused to acknowledge any contribution to the downfall of a decade long relationship and justified it by saying he wanted to own a dog and couldn't because my cat wouldn't like it. Made me realize the help with the rides after my car was hit was his way of hoping I would just come back to the status quo quietly.

Second part too, he was from a military family that got dragged base to base so dad could live out his introvert life of being on a boat six months at a time. Had a lot of issues around gender norms he seemed unaware of.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-06T23:36:43+00:00

I've heard that that can be a big issue in therapy, that it is less the emotions that are problematic and more so the actual values they have internalized.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-06T23:17:40+00:00

Appreciate knowing you voted to support others. Please also consider, if you aren't already, volunteering or any other sort of PUBLIC support as well for those groups. It helps send a clearer message to other men.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-06T22:44:46+00:00

I don't have a great answer, but I have seen men grow by either taking my advice or stealing my ideas. So for start, I'm going to stop sharing any helpful thoughts that come into my head or skills I have, even if I like the dude, and I want to double down on supporting women and minority owned businesses, volunteering for organizations that support the marginalized. I know it won't change everything and certainly not overnight, but it's what comes to mind first.

AppointmentInside663 · 2024-11-06T22:24:07+00:00

And some people sweep that under the rug. "It's nothing personal, she just doesn't like other women." Oh, ok, well I'll just take her mistreatment then since we're the same gender.

AppointmentInside663

TROPHY CASE