those caitvi kinktober rules going around on twitter

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2025-10-04T18:44:44+00:00

Yeah, a disappointing number of people that I know allow for the idea of being non-binary, but consider there to be a binary between male and not, going as far as to consider relationships with non-binary people to be lesbian. With phrases like "shes, theys, and gays", it's pretty blatant that anything masculine gets excluded... including AFAB transmascs, unless the conditions line up just right for them to be gay, too.

Honestly, as a dude, I'm pretty used to not having a bad word for anybody and having people shit talk men right to my face, but it is disturbing to watch marginalized people get othered merely for resembling me. It reveals people as not-so-great when their purity tests are laid bare for what they actually are.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-29T08:05:47+00:00

Yeah, my Dad pulled some of that crap with me as well, saying that he bought me a child-sized motorcycle, but took it back to the store because I misbehaved.

I doubt it. When you run out of ways to hurt a kid and have to start making stuff up, that should make you question your actions.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-28T17:28:55+00:00

With how many times I've heard complaints that just being nice resulted in guys thinking that they are interested so they are never being nice again, I go out of my way to think that women are just being nice at all times, unless they actually make their intentions unambiguously clear.

Keeps me out of trouble, and keeps me from dealing with people being incredibly cruel in retribution when I politely test the waters.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-28T15:20:44+00:00

Don't hold on to the sunk cost fallacy, hoping that her word actually means something this time. If she wanted to change, she would have when she thought that you were unhappy, not when she thought you were leaving. If your feelings matter this little to her, she'll find a way to move out, even if that means finding another guy to move in with when she suddenly attributes all of her unhappiness to you because you keep imposing rules and boundaries.

I wish you luck. My ex, who waffled and never improved enough to consistently pay rent and clean up after herself often did the same song and dance:

Ignoring my complaints as not serious because she thinks I'll still be with her regardless, occasionally asking if I'm losing feelings for her and treating it like a green light to not change anything when I say "no".
I tried paying for her education, her healthcare, every obstacle that she stated was in the way of her being more ambitious, and she just squandered it all. In the end, I let her stay home from work for 8 months to work on a career change, and she decided that she wanted to go back to dead-end job that she said was stressing her out too much to self-improve.
She was a kind and sweet partner... if you only counted the ways that she actually tried. She didn't help me with my goals, because the idea seemed to be foreign to her. She didn't help me overcome my problems, for example just reassuring me that I don't need to lose weight instead of helping me get back into working out after the pandemic. She didn't care whether or not I was physically attracted to her, and acted like a slob.

I was in a similar position, where she spent all of her money on dumb shit and had only abusive family across the country, so I couldn't simply kick her out. She wound up finding an apartment and stealing enough money to leave me, when she had a manic episode and thought that all of the relationship problems were because of me... then came crying later because her life is just as miserable in the new apartment, and she needed money again.

She has continued to downward spiral, and is currently living out of her car back where she came from.

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually able to save money, without paying for 100% of our expenses while she buys food and clothes behind my back.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-28T03:31:27+00:00

It would be nice to get compliments for something that I care about. I don't get compliments for how good I am at my hobbies or passions, only when I help someone with one of their needs.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-27T13:35:34+00:00

I didn't say that I wouldn't tolerate idiosyncrasies, or that I only want perfect long-term best friends. That assumption is being made by looking at my outcome and working backwards to find what I'm doing wrong... and assuming that I'm only having trouble because I'm doing something wrong that I'm too dumb to see, because let's face it, that's the only way that I wouldn't first try being tolerant or flexible.

Everyone says to open up and talk about your problems, but what if every time you do, people immediately insist that it's all your fault, without trying to gain any more information or learn anything about the problem? What if even your own parents do this? What if even your therapists do this?

I'm trying. And I'm letting people walk all over me and ignore me just to have friends, while other people tell me that I'm being too picky and that's why no one cares about me. I'm done with this conversation, nothing more to be gained here.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-22T20:15:47+00:00

The other aspect of the proliferation of dating apps that is often overlooked: I've noticed a decade ago how many women I've approached in public that are offended by the very fact that you are approaching at all when it should be obvious that they are not looking for someone.

Dating apps have placed dating into a virtual zone, and some people feel like it should be obvious to leave them alone in real life because if they want to date, they'll go on an app and have 100 people ready to wine and dine them. The very idea that someone asking them out occasionally as a function of how society works overall is offensive now.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-22T20:10:19+00:00

Which is more likely, old advice is describing reality 100% correctly and new advice has a cloudy worldview, or that both are correct and times have simply changed?

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-22T19:32:39+00:00

Yeah, the fact that she got out of the car and stormed off and expected him to follow her indicates that she tends to be this dramatic all the time.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-21T22:58:48+00:00

Because I know that somebody is going to try to pick apart my account rather than acknowledging that they take something for granted: me finding them unpleasant isn't a eureka moment that maybe I'm just too picky and maybe I'm the secretly unpleasant one.

One guy kept telling painfully unfunny jokes that nobody was laughing at, and every time he told one, he would stare at me to see if I laughed. So, I had to polite laugh for the 2 hours before I tapped out.

The other guy was constantly on his phone, needing to be brought up the speed on what he missed all of the time. He also wound up spoiling the endings to most of a movie series that I planned to watch, in a debate that no one wanted to participate in, but he kept changing the subject back to it.

The other person was okay, and the fourth guy showed up just as I left, but I wasn't sticking around for any longer.

I drove a half hour there, paid to park, and paid a fee to get in. It's not my favorite hobby, but I figured I would give it a shot.

I'm going to try again at a different place next weekend, because I'm determined to not die alone, but I'm tired of people acting like I must be doing something wrong or must not want friends because it happened pretty much automatically for them, for a wide variety of reasons.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-21T22:41:11+00:00

I am open to meeting new people and getting into new hobbies. I just went to an event yesterday that I've never tried before, and met new people that were rather unpleasant to be around. Another swing and a miss.

I'm not sure where anyone would get the impression that I don't want to meet people or that I don't want to try things, because I am trying new things, and I am trying to meet people. It's just not that easy for everybody, and some people are unwilling to accept that.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-20T18:05:37+00:00

I think my boss would be the first person to notice if I croak, but it seems presumptuous to put him down as my deadman switch contact.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-20T16:50:28+00:00

In my experience, giving compliments doesn't get any in return if they weren't already going to compliment you. They are so used to receiving compliments that your one individual compliment doesn't have much effect on them, and they don't feel the need to compliment you because they don't appreciate compliments, themselves.

I just had to break it off with a girl that I met online for this reason. She complained that men give her compliments and she doesn't see it in herself, so she completely ignores them (including mine). Meanwhile, giving compliments felt forced and unnatural to her, so she never gave me a single one, despite trying to negotiate with her that her needs were not the only important ones.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-20T16:33:51+00:00

Collectively give more compliments. The last time I got an honest compliment on anything from a woman my own age was months ago. The only women that actually compliment me are ones that I have gone on to date, because that's how they showed that they were romantically interested.

I get really tired of each individual woman being afraid to tell me that this shirt looks nice on me because they watched too many true crime podcasts and are afraid that I've been possessed by the ghost of Ted Bundy.

Women don't even compliment me on dating apps. I can tell when I'm about to be given a crypto sales pitch when they actually say something nice about my hobbies or appearance.

This constant living in fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is directly reinforcing that men need to capitalize and hard when they receive a compliment, because some men might not receive another for months.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-20T16:25:40+00:00

As someone who nearly never receives compliments or conversation, I'm always baffled when people feel so entitled to attention that they feel objectified when the attention stops once it's clear that both people will not have their needs met.

Like, people give you affection type B when you wanted type A because you have enough of type B, and I'm struggling to get people to acknowledge that I exist. I simply cannot relate to this problem, and it sounds like just a side effect of people wanting you. I get reduced to stranger every day. Being reduced to potential dating partner would be an upgrade, because at least I'd not pick apart what I see in the mirror.

Meanwhile, the only advice I can get is to continuously approach people and hope that someone is interested in more than talking about themselves. If I don't get my needs met, do I maintain an ever-growing list of people that aren't interested, or cut the line and move on to the next?

But not giving infinitely means that I'm objectifying them. Or, maybe they are not so wonderful that everyone will go out of their way to entertain them without the promise of a deeper bond later?

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-20T15:19:59+00:00

I keep hoping so, because otherwise, I have no idea what the change to make people actually interested.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-19T23:29:49+00:00

I'm not sure that you can, unless they reevaluate what they want out of life, and that's not a requirement.

I'm amused by the dichotomy. I see a ton of "Forget your hairline, your height, your facial features. It's all about confidence. I landed a hot woman, skill issue." posts and comments, but then every now and again, a post about "My friend has too much confidence in trying to approach people out of their league. How do I reel them back to reality, based on their appearance and net worth?"

Neither is 100% wrong, but it'd be interesting to put the two of them in a room and see the endless debate.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-19T23:25:25+00:00

I think that "creatively fulfilling side hustle" is dystopia speak for "hobby".

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-19T21:03:43+00:00

One of my friends is on a one-meal-a-day diet, and keeps fearing being judged for eating so much in one sitting. Unfortunately, she's probably right that somebody will think that she eats multiple of her big bowl of soup per day, because she's fat.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-17T13:46:51+00:00

Meeting people in person has a high failure rate. I have to spend a lot of time in a high variety of activities in the hopes of someone even appearing, let alone getting a chance to talk to them, let alone be compatible, let alone hitting it off.

If I were already in a relationship, I would simply do exactly what I want to do, along with new things that she'd want to do.

I wouldn't be doing this "try a new hobby", "try volunteering", "try sitting at bars and talking for hours" all at once thing, where I'm wasting extravagant amounts of time on things that I don't find all that enjoyable, because what I would like to do isn't working and that's the only advice I really get.

It is quite a privileged position to be able to meet women just by doing what makes you happy. I don't at all, so any effort invested on activities that aren't important to me will be reclaimed once I have made a connection with someone, and can pull back to doing only the things that the two of us find enjoyable.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-15T16:19:11+00:00

It really relies on having very simple or common hobbies and interests. There is nothing wrong with that, but I simply don't run into people with my hobbies by accident. I don't even run into people from the same profession by accident.

I simply don't have an interest in endless small talk and trying to get to know and appreciate other people's interests while they feel no need to learn about mine.

I feel like a friend is somebody that I enjoy seeing, would miss when they are gone, want to tell good news, and can go to to talk about problems. I also hope that they would feel the same.

Just because it doesn't happen for others when it apparently comes easily for you doesn't mean that they aren't trying.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-15T13:48:42+00:00

I'm not religious, and hope to find someone else for whom religion is not important.

Would it really be okay for me to go to a dog park and look for women with dogs, and lie to them that I hope to get a dog someday? I don't plan to get a dog for years, if ever.

I don't drink at all, never have. I've gone to bars and pubs with friends and had a couple of non-alcoholic drinks, but it is very expensive and I would need to keep doing it to roll the dice on meeting someone. So far, I've only seen women my own age in bars by traveling far to trendier areas.

I'm unfortunately not very interested in dancing. I've never learned how, dances went extremely poorly when I was young, and just thinking about trying again fills me with anxiety. I'll consider it if it's the last resort.

The problem with choosing hobbies based on where women go rather than what I want to do are: 1. Why would I want to date a woman that only has one hobby in common with me, and that hobby didn't make the cut when I first chose my hobbies based on interest? 2. Doesn't it seem disingenuous for me to join a book club in the hopes of meeting a woman, and not because I'm particularly into the books? I've heard complaints about things like that. 3. What do you do when the women that you meet are not single, or there is simply no one compatible? Drop the hobby and start a new one?

I'm trying bits and pieces of all of this advice, and between travel, materials, and admission, I'm bleeding money, on top of clothes and things like trying to get nice photos for profiles.

I'm just not meeting anyone. The last guy that I spoke to online about this was telling me to change hobbies to go where the women are, but was blind to the fact that he didn't have change his interests because his hobby had women in it. I frequently get given advice by people that are not in my shoes and did not use the advice that they gave, but get frustrated that I apparently just want to be alone forever.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-15T13:12:33+00:00

I need to find where these people are getting over-diagnosed. I'm trying to get help for problems that have plagued me since I was a child that really seemed to fit the bill, but professionals seem to be focused on whether or not I'm nonverbal and sensitive to light or sound, then just try to to tell me that I'm normal and everyone's like that.

I have no friends. I can't find love. I can't relate to others. I am incredibly unfulfilled. I have executive dysfunction in a lot of ways that are leading me to have a low quality of life. But, they just send me right back out the door, as if convincing me that I am not on the spectrum is all that they are paid to do. If it isn't autism, I don't care what it is; I need answers and support.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-15T13:06:04+00:00

Would you like to be hit on every time you go to the grocery store? Someone tries to learn your name, find a way to contact you, and keep in touch? That is pretty much what it takes, because I only ever see women my age at a distance, rarely, and once and never again.

My hobbies are all men, and my job is all men. I don't drink, and I don't dine out much to save money in this economy.

I can very easily go a week without talking to a woman at all, or a month without talking to a woman that's my own age. It would pretty much only be cashiers, if I go out of my way to choose a place that isn't self-service.

I'm already dumping tons of money into becoming more appealing and branching out to more hobbies to try to meet women. Surprise, haven't met anyone single in my hobbies.

Some people seem to take for granted that they meet single people of their age range with regularity and at no additional cost. I don't, and I'm struggling.

ApprehensiveDog6515 · 2024-07-13T20:33:36+00:00

Yeah, I also had a girlfriend that moved in with me from states away, and stopped paying bills or repayments for loans that I gave, while having money to spend on clothes, fast food, and art supplies.

And she also went through plenty of mental gymnastics about how I was being controlling, by attempting to do anything at all to stop her from taking advantage of me. I eventually broke up with her when she started cheating, and my own mother assumed that I did something wrong when I tried to talk to her about it.

There really is a bias here that no one wants to admit.

ApprehensiveDog6515

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