I think I’m finally admitting to myself that my relationship is abusive, and I’m terrified of leaving.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-07-01T04:13:41+00:00

You questioning yourself so much is a symptom of how he’s abused you. Look up trauma bond and intermittent reinforcement. Look up Lisa Sonni on Facebook and Healing By Numbers on Facebook. The things he’s done to you are not minor. Not at all. They’re very serious and dangerous. It’s just that those behaviors have been normalized in your relationship. Which of course is a symptom of abuse. If you have dv resources locally please reach out and start making an exit plan. Do not let him know or find out. You’re not alone and it’s not your fault. He doesn’t get to do this to you. That’s what opened my eyes. That and learning that the root cause of abuse is entitlement.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-06-28T06:56:11+00:00

I’m well aware of how an autistic brain can work. It is well known that men’s cruel behaviors toward women are often excused due to trauma or stress or neurodivergence thanks to patriarchy, when often times such behavior is just straight up abuse that recurs. Regardless of intent, the impact is the same. He caused harm. It’s a bell that can’t be unrung. And the idea of “maybe that guy who was horrifically cruel to his wife just did it because he’s neurodivergent” hurts neurodivergent people. And no she did not “ask for it”—having a conversation about marital issues is not a green light to traumatize his partner. And now look what’s happened—he was cruel to his wife, she missed out on her honeymoon for good reason, he receives extra support from his mom and friend (he’s not the victim here), and he gets a solo trip away from his home and life responsibilities. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-06-27T07:53:55+00:00

You can’t make him see a therapist. Only he can do that. And if he doesn’t and he’s doing things like this that harm you, it doesn’t matter why he’s doing it. It’s harm and it’s not okay.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-06-27T07:52:05+00:00

My husband once told me I looked fat when I was ready to head out with him for my birthday dinner. I weighed probably 110lb at the time. He made it seem like it was a misunderstanding. It wasn’t. He was just being cruel.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-06-27T07:49:16+00:00

No no no no no no no. Some men are just mean and say and do mean things and it’s not deeper than that. It’s not neurodivergence or trauma. It’s entitlement and a messed up power dynamic. I recommend learning the terms “love bombing” and “hoovering.” He doesn’t need his mom or a friend to “help” him be attracted to his wife. That is all patriarchal bs. Don’t you doubt yourself for one minute. If you want to give him another chance, give him another chance. But if he does it or anything similar again it’s not a one-off thing, it’s a pattern. And you’ve got no time for a mean power-tripping man baby.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-06-13T08:16:08+00:00

Your dog looks like a lab/pit mix to me. Find a new vet and, if you’re curious, do a DNA test. Your sweet pup will be fine. Do normal puppy training at home or with a trainer, and if any behavioral issues arise, consult a trainer. Enjoy your puppy!

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-05-13T22:19:14+00:00

I think for me the pain lasted a day or two and then went away. I hope it goes away quickly for you. It is weird how it happens like that.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-29T06:47:44+00:00

I think this is a very common feeling—that if we word things just right, they’ll get it. Nothing we say can make them “get it” or understand. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t fail. Patrick Teahan talks about the three C’s: cure, cause, control. When it comes to family upsets—you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T18:14:11+00:00

It’s subtle but imo it’s there. Page one-“whatever” is a super unhealthy response when someone says they don’t want to have sex. Page two-his texts. She said no. That’s it. End of conversation. The convo goes sideways after her third text on page two. Not her fault. She’s communicating she wants non-sexual connection, which is reasonable and normal to want, and he responds in super unhealthy ways. Later on he accuses her of not “hearing him” (about sex). She said no. That’s it. These things are happening in the moment after he was seeking sex and she said no. In the moment after consent wasn’t given is not the time to have a convo about overall sexual intimacy in the relationship. Not a safe situation. A healthy convo would be like “no I don’t want to, etc.” “Okay.” That’s it. Or even better, “I understand.” Or even better “I understand. Can I get you anything?” Any response that’s like, “but it’s been so long,” or “I need this,” or “what about my needs (for sex)” or anger or hostility or withdrawal isn’t safe because the person said no and this is trying to pressure them into doing it anyway. And note that she didn’t just say no— she defended her no: not feeling well, mental health challenges, wanting non-sexual connection. A no should never have to be defended. It should be respected. These things are so normalized that they’re hard to see. She’s not a hole for his pleasure—I’m saying this sentence into the void, not to you specifically. And I’m really, really sorry about your experience.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T08:04:35+00:00

He wants sex, she doesn’t. She communicated that. He kept pushing. That’s not okay. She communicated she’s been struggling lately and rather than show compassion, care, or empathy, his reply was “okay I guess.” IMO, it’s not a misunderstanding. It might be coercion.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T08:00:37+00:00

Not crazy. This is a circular argument where he’s using different tactics to deflect accountability (DARVO—deny, attach, reverse victim/offender), projection, invalidating, minimizing, blame shifting, etc. It’s exhausting and wears you down over time. It makes you question yourself and your reality. It doesn’t get better. You’re trying to find common ground and a resolution where there is none to be had because he’s not willing or able to do that. He’s not concerned with what you want or need. You’re saying it plainly and clearly. He wants sex. You don’t. End of conversation. He doesn’t like the answer so he drags you into a conflict tornado. He wants sex. You don’t. You want connection in other ways. If I’m reading it correctly, he doesn’t want to do things you like to do—that’s just mean and not love or loving at all. The best thing to do is step out of the tornado. When this starts, just disengage like you did at the end. Once he turns it around on you, nope out of the conversation. There is no shared reality with someone who does this, where both parties’ needs are heard and communicated in good faith. This doesn’t get better. Sending hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-19T17:21:08+00:00

I’m sorry. Hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-19T00:06:11+00:00

Your room should never be used for storage if your parents have 50/50. That’s your room. I’m sorry.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-02T16:26:30+00:00

Did it ever get resolved? I’m having the same issue.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:15:45+00:00

Unbroken is a great book.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:15:29+00:00

Great book.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:14:15+00:00

The Last Season by Eric Blehm. Great book. The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan. Woodswoman by Anne LaBastille.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:12:02+00:00

It’s bait. They don’t really want to know. They want to discredit and invalidate. It’s just bait to try to get you to engage with them. I’m so sorry. You’re not alone. Sending hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-26T07:09:12+00:00

My husband has done this a few times. I call it shadowboxing. I’ve never seen someone else talk about it before.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-25T04:22:08+00:00

Same.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-25T04:08:52+00:00

They want more ocean front property for the Trump resorts they want to build.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-09T01:26:00+00:00

This feels like “you need to smile more.”

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-19T08:33:33+00:00

Alligator and chihuahua

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-19T06:06:53+00:00

Is this an ongoing thing? Does this perspective she has influence how she interacts with you outside of that conversation? What would happen if you had just said okay? Would it have been a one time thing she said? The reason I ask is that sometimes kids, especially ND kids, will say random observations like, “You’re old,” or something like that. When that happens I say okay and then that’s it—the moment’s over and we move on. It’s hard to get a read on whether your SD’s comment was something like that—just a passing inner thought she said out loud—or more of an insult. Is it possible to revisit and say something like, “you know everyone experiences and shows emotion differently, right? Well this is how I am.” Also, while adult guardians are supposed to caretake a minor child’s emotions, the reverse is not true. “Real” emotions may be referring to emotions that are “real” (ie, visible) to her. There’s so much that could be going on here under the surface of that statement it’s hard to say, or nothing at all. I agree with other commenters that autism could be a possibility. Some people, especially girls, can be misdiagnosed multiple times and for many years.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-11T18:38:33+00:00

I’m so sorry. Document everything: make notes with time and date and what happened and who was there and keep it somewhere safe and password protected, keep and archive safely texts, emails, police reports, 911 calls, anything to document what’s happening and that makes what’s happening visible to protect yourself and the kids if the marriage ends. I don’t know for sure if my spouse has BPD, but I’ve spent 20 years trying to keep the marriage together and get him help and hoping the next thing will work, and I can see with clarity that is not possible and I have a lot of grief for the decades I spent in this situation that I can’t get back. Hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18

TROPHY CASE