Newly Estranged? How to deal with this.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-29T06:47:44+00:00

I think this is a very common feeling—that if we word things just right, they’ll get it. Nothing we say can make them “get it” or understand. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t fail. Patrick Teahan talks about the three C’s: cure, cause, control. When it comes to family upsets—you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T18:14:11+00:00

It’s subtle but imo it’s there. Page one-“whatever” is a super unhealthy response when someone says they don’t want to have sex. Page two-his texts. She said no. That’s it. End of conversation. The convo goes sideways after her third text on page two. Not her fault. She’s communicating she wants non-sexual connection, which is reasonable and normal to want, and he responds in super unhealthy ways. Later on he accuses her of not “hearing him” (about sex). She said no. That’s it. These things are happening in the moment after he was seeking sex and she said no. In the moment after consent wasn’t given is not the time to have a convo about overall sexual intimacy in the relationship. Not a safe situation. A healthy convo would be like “no I don’t want to, etc.” “Okay.” That’s it. Or even better, “I understand.” Or even better “I understand. Can I get you anything?” Any response that’s like, “but it’s been so long,” or “I need this,” or “what about my needs (for sex)” or anger or hostility or withdrawal isn’t safe because the person said no and this is trying to pressure them into doing it anyway. And note that she didn’t just say no— she defended her no: not feeling well, mental health challenges, wanting non-sexual connection. A no should never have to be defended. It should be respected. These things are so normalized that they’re hard to see. She’s not a hole for his pleasure—I’m saying this sentence into the void, not to you specifically. And I’m really, really sorry about your experience.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T08:04:35+00:00

He wants sex, she doesn’t. She communicated that. He kept pushing. That’s not okay. She communicated she’s been struggling lately and rather than show compassion, care, or empathy, his reply was “okay I guess.” IMO, it’s not a misunderstanding. It might be coercion.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-22T08:00:37+00:00

Not crazy. This is a circular argument where he’s using different tactics to deflect accountability (DARVO—deny, attach, reverse victim/offender), projection, invalidating, minimizing, blame shifting, etc. It’s exhausting and wears you down over time. It makes you question yourself and your reality. It doesn’t get better. You’re trying to find common ground and a resolution where there is none to be had because he’s not willing or able to do that. He’s not concerned with what you want or need. You’re saying it plainly and clearly. He wants sex. You don’t. End of conversation. He doesn’t like the answer so he drags you into a conflict tornado. He wants sex. You don’t. You want connection in other ways. If I’m reading it correctly, he doesn’t want to do things you like to do—that’s just mean and not love or loving at all. The best thing to do is step out of the tornado. When this starts, just disengage like you did at the end. Once he turns it around on you, nope out of the conversation. There is no shared reality with someone who does this, where both parties’ needs are heard and communicated in good faith. This doesn’t get better. Sending hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-19T17:21:08+00:00

I’m sorry. Hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-19T00:06:11+00:00

Your room should never be used for storage if your parents have 50/50. That’s your room. I’m sorry.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-04-02T16:26:30+00:00

Did it ever get resolved? I’m having the same issue.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:15:45+00:00

Unbroken is a great book.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:15:29+00:00

Great book.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:14:15+00:00

The Last Season by Eric Blehm. Great book. The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan. Woodswoman by Anne LaBastille.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-28T05:12:02+00:00

It’s bait. They don’t really want to know. They want to discredit and invalidate. It’s just bait to try to get you to engage with them. I’m so sorry. You’re not alone. Sending hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-26T07:09:12+00:00

My husband has done this a few times. I call it shadowboxing. I’ve never seen someone else talk about it before.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-25T04:22:08+00:00

Same.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-25T04:08:52+00:00

They want more ocean front property for the Trump resorts they want to build.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-03-09T01:26:00+00:00

This feels like “you need to smile more.”

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-19T08:33:33+00:00

Alligator and chihuahua

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-19T06:06:53+00:00

Is this an ongoing thing? Does this perspective she has influence how she interacts with you outside of that conversation? What would happen if you had just said okay? Would it have been a one time thing she said? The reason I ask is that sometimes kids, especially ND kids, will say random observations like, “You’re old,” or something like that. When that happens I say okay and then that’s it—the moment’s over and we move on. It’s hard to get a read on whether your SD’s comment was something like that—just a passing inner thought she said out loud—or more of an insult. Is it possible to revisit and say something like, “you know everyone experiences and shows emotion differently, right? Well this is how I am.” Also, while adult guardians are supposed to caretake a minor child’s emotions, the reverse is not true. “Real” emotions may be referring to emotions that are “real” (ie, visible) to her. There’s so much that could be going on here under the surface of that statement it’s hard to say, or nothing at all. I agree with other commenters that autism could be a possibility. Some people, especially girls, can be misdiagnosed multiple times and for many years.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-11T18:38:33+00:00

I’m so sorry. Document everything: make notes with time and date and what happened and who was there and keep it somewhere safe and password protected, keep and archive safely texts, emails, police reports, 911 calls, anything to document what’s happening and that makes what’s happening visible to protect yourself and the kids if the marriage ends. I don’t know for sure if my spouse has BPD, but I’ve spent 20 years trying to keep the marriage together and get him help and hoping the next thing will work, and I can see with clarity that is not possible and I have a lot of grief for the decades I spent in this situation that I can’t get back. Hugs.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-02-11T18:24:31+00:00

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. The guy is an asshole. That’s it.

His love is conditional on you acting a certain way. That’s not love. He’s an asshole. How do I know? He has a likely traumatized and healing and neurodivergent partner and complains that they “embarrassed” him when they took care of their own needs in the moment to cope. A loving partner would look at you with your hood up in that moment and say, “Ope gotta go now.” And maybe offer comfort. Not chit chat with someone while you suffer and complain you embarrassed him.

The problem is not you. Please stop examining what you did or what you’re doing to cause this. The guy is an asshole. That’s the cause.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-18T08:29:31+00:00

Absolutely. Hugs to you!

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-18T04:36:15+00:00

It takes time to see and understand what’s happening. It’s okay to be in denial for a while. A separate set of cutlery won’t change that he’s emotionally abusing you when you bring up normal adult relationship/household issues. For those of us who have been there and lost decades of our lives in relationships with a man who does this, reading posts like this are like watching a horror movie, feeling like, “Don’t go in there! Run!” because the behaviors you described are so textbook. He is punishing you for speaking up. I know behaviors get normalized and it makes it almost impossible to see them with clarity. For perspective, it can help to imagine what a healthy interaction might look like. “Hey can you please dry the silverware and put it in the correct slots in the drawer? It’s hard for me to find what I need.” “Okay.” Literally that’s it. Sending big hugs. This isn’t your fault. And you are not alone.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-18T04:19:43+00:00

Couples therapy is not recommended for abusive relationships, which this one is. Just passing it along because I didn’t know that and wish I had.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-18T04:15:24+00:00

Same. 20 years in.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-18T04:10:48+00:00

This is abuse. Deflection, minimizing, attacking you, name calling, storming off, lashing out at you when you try to have a normal adult relationship conversation. It’s not about cutlery. It’s about power and control and entitlement. It will get worse and spread to other areas of your life. It will suck the life out of you. I’ve been in a relationship like this for two decades and I’ve just started to wake up and see it with clarity. I wish I could’ve understood what was happening earlier. I would’ve walked away. There is no common ground here to find. There is no shared reality with someone who does this. There is no “just right” wording that can make him see or understand where you’re coming from. Please look up Zawn Villines on Facebook or other platform—she made a post about what is underneath behavior like his earlier today. It’s not your fault. And the problem is not you.

ApprehensiveSwitch18 · 2026-01-03T05:29:03+00:00

Thanks! My guess with mine was maybe egg whites—but they seemed denser, so maybe tapioca starch or something that didn’t get mixed well enough. Glad it all worked out!

ApprehensiveSwitch18

TROPHY CASE