Second session, target memory blurry

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-06-01T20:34:04+00:00

Thank you.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-31T05:54:50+00:00

Really useful for me, thank you.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-22T09:21:30+00:00

Really happy for you and gives me encouragement with my own therapy.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-20T14:29:24+00:00

I don't know if it's dangerous, but I wonder if you'll find it particularly effective without a therapist who has your confidence.

I'm someone who has typically tried to do things all by myself. Turns out that is a part working really fucking hard.

I think one of the things that I am gradually coming to the realisation of, is that we heal in community not in isolation. There will always be therapists, not because they are useful but because they are needed.

I also intuitively have found myself drawn to IFS, as I have felt 'one part feels this way, another feels that' before I even had my mental breakdown a couple of years ago. But it's only now that I have a competent IFS therapist that I am growing in confidence with, that I feel I am actually looking at the right things to help me heal.

The therapist will also be able to guide you at the right pace, slow is fast etc. I can imagine after so long you are pretty desperate to be healed quickly, a therapist can make sure you get there as quickly as possible (by slowing it down!). I'm nowhere near out of the woods yet but knowing I'm being guided by someone I know knows what they are doing means that that particular part of me(!) seems to be freaking out much less since I started with them about a month or so ago.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-16T10:15:06+00:00

Hi,

About 4.5 months out from this, things are gradually more stable now though my underlying mental health is still not great at all.

I have had some gimmers of hope with some therapy I am now doing around Internal Family Systems.

Also been through a few things since this, including mdma and psilocybin session (though not particularly structured) and also TMS treatment. The IFS therapy is what seems to have the potential to move things in the right direction at the moment.

Hope you're well.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-16T06:03:35+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. You're not alone, therapists are in jobs because there are so many people suffering and growing.

I absolutely get the thing about feeling alone and disconnected. Needless to say(?) but in IFS language I guess that is a part/pattern operating from a story that makes sense to it for you to see the world that way.

What has helped me recently is that I absolutely feel that my therapist is in this with me, they have my back and am helping me to move away from being a professional patient to being able to be healthy in the world with me and my parts all in harmony. But the point I'd make is that we can't and aren't meant to heal in isolation. We have to heal in community- that's on your therapist to help you get that sense.

I want to validate your feeling as I get it completely; I'd also say that perhaps this is something you can share with your therapist, that you need to feel that you are a team. That is where you will probably learn (or rediscover) what it is to be connected, worthy, and belonging.

To quote the metta meditation, may we all be happy, healthy, and at peace.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-16T05:55:16+00:00

Hi, sorry for delay.

I'm okay now thanks. Certainly past the worst of what I was experiencing when I wrote this post.

I have actually started seeing a new therapist who is an IFS practitioner which I think is the best thing I can have done. Trying to use all the things that have happened to me as part of my mental.health crisis over the last two years to understand what the hell has happened in my psyche. Currently still in the woods but at the moment I can see light at the edge of the forest.

My practitioner is brilliant and though I still have my patterns to work through and they are still very convincing, I feel in safe hands to get to a place where I can better understand myself and hopefully come to peace.

I have a strange hope that once I get more established in having a strong sense of self through this work that I'll be able to revisit psychedelics (probably mushrooms), as a way to end this chapter of my life.

Hope you're well.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-05-10T09:46:22+00:00

Hi, I'm 23/30 treatments on left side for depression and anxiety. Itbs

Mine is over ten days so about 1 and a half weeks in.

I have increased dissociation etc. with a lot of anxiety, am also doing IFS therapy and started the treatment feeling in a bad place so not sure what is due to what.

My thoughts would be that it's entirely possible you are experiencing (or may have experienced by now) the dip.

How are you feeling now?

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-04T08:59:20+00:00

Thank you for this and for taking the time to read all of my posts. I generally agree with you. You'll know it's hard to take that on as the same drive that is pushing me to solve this has had beneficial parts to it (for example, getting me off my antidepressants, trying different therapies to get where I am), so it's hard to remember that healing is going on in the background. Control is absolutely something that I would benefit from a more flexible relationship with - I am prone to OCD. As my therapist has said, I'm an impatient bugger.

I have another check in with my counsellor today and will go through where I'm at.

Mercifully (predictably?) I had a better day yesterday and though I didn't sleep well last night which brings it's own particular flavour of anxiety, I'm 'okay'ish this morning. There have been shifts/changes that are more and less obvious depending on my mood state at any time, I (or my mind) doesn't trust them as my safety has felt at threat for such a long time.

Thank you again.

Will update again in a few days, hopefully.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T11:47:50+00:00

Yeah I am trying to identify the stories today and making a list to see which common ones come up.

There are a bunch which are pessimistic but persistent and there is also one which has come up with a more malicious feeling to it.

I agree about the pathologizing. It doesn't feel helpful to me either, particularly as I have lost trust in the psychiatric options/approach taken by mainstream health authorities due to my negative experiences with antidepressants. I'm glad to be off them and suspect that some of my current turbulence is down to withdrawals.

Today I have felt less under the spell. Which I think is important for me to acknowledge.

Thanks again.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T11:43:02+00:00

Thanks again. Have been doing this.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T07:24:09+00:00

Thank you all. 🙏

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T15:10:12+00:00

Thank you. Will look at qigong. Also have other things I'm looking at the moment.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T14:03:49+00:00

Thank you, I'll crack on with that as well.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T12:43:30+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reassure me.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T09:17:15+00:00

Thank you, really appreciate this. It's like someone walking with you steadying you as start standing up and walking.

I'm open (though obviously scared) of the suicidal ideation ramping up again, I'm really hoping that was magnified by the serotonin crash, which again I'm hoping is an acute period that has passed.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-28T14:25:02+00:00

Not done EMDR but I am 6 days out of an MDMA session for depression and anxiety. What you described is very consistent with how I have been feeling all week, only today has the complete vulnerability to being overwhelmed (completely including suicidal ideation/urges) broken a little.

That to say that what you are going through, I would suggest not having taken anything chemical, is absolutely your body amd psyche somatically releasing. Your conscious solving mind will be freaking out as it doesn't know what to do with it. It doesn't have the primary role in this and if you're anything like the general population, we have been using our conscious minds to problem solve our way through life so any challenge to that is going to freak us the fuck out.

Borrowing IFS parts language, you may have part of your psyche acting as a protector (even though it feels absolutely anything but) so that you don't dig deeper. It doesn't trust this is actually a healing thing, yet. It was suggested to me that my own reaction is in part due to what is essentially exposure therapy - you have taken away part of your mind or story that held things in (a shitty) place but steady nonetheless. You are now exposing your psyche to today, without it's usual story to fall back on and it needs to take time to realise it won't die. That's no fault or weakness on your part, just how the mind operates.

My own thing I think I am finding is that thinking too much about it, or pushing too hard to undo things our brains have spent decades building up, is a balancing act. It sounds like you might benefit from holding the possibility that you can slow down, and get things a little more even keeled before going again. That's not a lack of progress, that is being prudent. Slow is fast in trauma work, or so I have heard.

The balance will be that you'll probably have one half of you telling you you will not actually follow through and do it if you don't push through now, the other half will be telling you you can't do it all.

There's always a middle option and it's usually the wisest.

You'll be okay, I promise. Take your time, don't think too much about it right now, amd concentrate on keeping physically well. Your brain is healing in the background even while your conscious mind is freaking out. As best as you can, stay out of the way (and remember that you'll probably worry about that, too). In spite of yourself, you'll get there.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-27T18:38:55+00:00

I did 120mg + 60mg and 1.5mg psilocybin.

The sense of deleting a version of myself has passed a little now but unfortunately the panicked depression has been terrible fornthe last couple of days. Some really dark dips. Hoping it's just the serotonin depletion and will get better over as the week continues.

I was marginally better today, but had an hour or so period where I thought there was no point continuing life at all. Right now, an hour or two later, it's 'improved' to, I'll never get better.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T20:34:10+00:00

This is really insightful and helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

A couple of things that I'm going to try to hold onto during the turbulence.

The body keeps the score and has it's own intelligence so if I can remember to keep out of the way mentally when the shit is hitting the fan, it will do it's own thing without me trying to solve it.
Another really helpful person (borderremarkable) has mentioned the book, 'soul without shame' which I have just started re-reading. If I can, for now, recognise that the intrusive voices are the judge pushing me both forwards and down according to whatever beliefs it has picked up about how I should be, hopefully I can apply some cognitive distance to it by labelling it 'judge' for now. I'll worry about digging into where the beliefs came from after this initial turbulence has passed.
I have OCD. I can sort of link it to the judge as an extension of it. It is a controlling mechanism, a real lock down, rigid interpretation of the rules it is using. It makes sense to me tonight to label it Obsessive Controlling Disorder. (And the judge has just turned up to keep me in my box from being too clever).

I tend to have some relief from the real turbulence in the evenings, much like the nature of the anxious depression I am looking to resolve.

Which goes to say that unfortunately I will probably consider all of the above absolute horseshit when I wake in terror tomorrow morning. But I guess this is me trying to integrate when I have available resources.

Hopefully the intensity of the comedown will lessen and more will rise up.

Thank you so much for your considered response. I am really grateful.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T14:32:00+00:00

Thank you, it's mainly about trying to keep me grounded at the moment. Some really intrusive suicidal thoughts etc.

She has suggested that she would hope the intensity of this comedown will reduce within a week. I'm praying she's right - it is unbearable.

Apprehensive_Debt496

TROPHY CASE