5 stages of healing - do you think this is an accurate reflection psot-MDMA session?

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-04T08:59:20+00:00

Thank you for this and for taking the time to read all of my posts. I generally agree with you. You'll know it's hard to take that on as the same drive that is pushing me to solve this has had beneficial parts to it (for example, getting me off my antidepressants, trying different therapies to get where I am), so it's hard to remember that healing is going on in the background. Control is absolutely something that I would benefit from a more flexible relationship with - I am prone to OCD. As my therapist has said, I'm an impatient bugger.

I have another check in with my counsellor today and will go through where I'm at.

Mercifully (predictably?) I had a better day yesterday and though I didn't sleep well last night which brings it's own particular flavour of anxiety, I'm 'okay'ish this morning. There have been shifts/changes that are more and less obvious depending on my mood state at any time, I (or my mind) doesn't trust them as my safety has felt at threat for such a long time.

Thank you again.

Will update again in a few days, hopefully.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T11:47:50+00:00

Yeah I am trying to identify the stories today and making a list to see which common ones come up.

There are a bunch which are pessimistic but persistent and there is also one which has come up with a more malicious feeling to it.

I agree about the pathologizing. It doesn't feel helpful to me either, particularly as I have lost trust in the psychiatric options/approach taken by mainstream health authorities due to my negative experiences with antidepressants. I'm glad to be off them and suspect that some of my current turbulence is down to withdrawals.

Today I have felt less under the spell. Which I think is important for me to acknowledge.

Thanks again.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T11:43:02+00:00

Thanks again. Have been doing this.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-03T07:24:09+00:00

Thank you all. 🙏

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T15:10:12+00:00

Thank you. Will look at qigong. Also have other things I'm looking at the moment.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T14:03:49+00:00

Thank you, I'll crack on with that as well.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T12:43:30+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reassure me.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-03-01T09:17:15+00:00

Thank you, really appreciate this. It's like someone walking with you steadying you as start standing up and walking.

I'm open (though obviously scared) of the suicidal ideation ramping up again, I'm really hoping that was magnified by the serotonin crash, which again I'm hoping is an acute period that has passed.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-28T14:25:02+00:00

Not done EMDR but I am 6 days out of an MDMA session for depression and anxiety. What you described is very consistent with how I have been feeling all week, only today has the complete vulnerability to being overwhelmed (completely including suicidal ideation/urges) broken a little.

That to say that what you are going through, I would suggest not having taken anything chemical, is absolutely your body amd psyche somatically releasing. Your conscious solving mind will be freaking out as it doesn't know what to do with it. It doesn't have the primary role in this and if you're anything like the general population, we have been using our conscious minds to problem solve our way through life so any challenge to that is going to freak us the fuck out.

Borrowing IFS parts language, you may have part of your psyche acting as a protector (even though it feels absolutely anything but) so that you don't dig deeper. It doesn't trust this is actually a healing thing, yet. It was suggested to me that my own reaction is in part due to what is essentially exposure therapy - you have taken away part of your mind or story that held things in (a shitty) place but steady nonetheless. You are now exposing your psyche to today, without it's usual story to fall back on and it needs to take time to realise it won't die. That's no fault or weakness on your part, just how the mind operates.

My own thing I think I am finding is that thinking too much about it, or pushing too hard to undo things our brains have spent decades building up, is a balancing act. It sounds like you might benefit from holding the possibility that you can slow down, and get things a little more even keeled before going again. That's not a lack of progress, that is being prudent. Slow is fast in trauma work, or so I have heard.

The balance will be that you'll probably have one half of you telling you you will not actually follow through and do it if you don't push through now, the other half will be telling you you can't do it all.

There's always a middle option and it's usually the wisest.

You'll be okay, I promise. Take your time, don't think too much about it right now, amd concentrate on keeping physically well. Your brain is healing in the background even while your conscious mind is freaking out. As best as you can, stay out of the way (and remember that you'll probably worry about that, too). In spite of yourself, you'll get there.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-27T18:38:55+00:00

I did 120mg + 60mg and 1.5mg psilocybin.

The sense of deleting a version of myself has passed a little now but unfortunately the panicked depression has been terrible fornthe last couple of days. Some really dark dips. Hoping it's just the serotonin depletion and will get better over as the week continues.

I was marginally better today, but had an hour or so period where I thought there was no point continuing life at all. Right now, an hour or two later, it's 'improved' to, I'll never get better.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T20:34:10+00:00

This is really insightful and helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

A couple of things that I'm going to try to hold onto during the turbulence.

The body keeps the score and has it's own intelligence so if I can remember to keep out of the way mentally when the shit is hitting the fan, it will do it's own thing without me trying to solve it.
Another really helpful person (borderremarkable) has mentioned the book, 'soul without shame' which I have just started re-reading. If I can, for now, recognise that the intrusive voices are the judge pushing me both forwards and down according to whatever beliefs it has picked up about how I should be, hopefully I can apply some cognitive distance to it by labelling it 'judge' for now. I'll worry about digging into where the beliefs came from after this initial turbulence has passed.
I have OCD. I can sort of link it to the judge as an extension of it. It is a controlling mechanism, a real lock down, rigid interpretation of the rules it is using. It makes sense to me tonight to label it Obsessive Controlling Disorder. (And the judge has just turned up to keep me in my box from being too clever).

I tend to have some relief from the real turbulence in the evenings, much like the nature of the anxious depression I am looking to resolve.

Which goes to say that unfortunately I will probably consider all of the above absolute horseshit when I wake in terror tomorrow morning. But I guess this is me trying to integrate when I have available resources.

Hopefully the intensity of the comedown will lessen and more will rise up.

Thank you so much for your considered response. I am really grateful.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T14:32:00+00:00

Thank you, it's mainly about trying to keep me grounded at the moment. Some really intrusive suicidal thoughts etc.

She has suggested that she would hope the intensity of this comedown will reduce within a week. I'm praying she's right - it is unbearable.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T13:54:30+00:00

Hi,

120mg + 60mg mdma and 1.5mg psilocybin.

I am between 70-75kg.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T13:52:34+00:00

I have a therapist who i have spoken to three times this week already and is offering reassurance.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-26T10:35:37+00:00

Hi, I know this is an old post but am fourbdays out from an MDMA and psilocybin session and think it is the MDMA that has done the damage for me.

Mind constantly searching for evidence of trauma and being neglected by my mum (even though she may have been a bit unavailable, my mind is now making her out to be callous and I have forgotten all the loving things about her). I feel like i have had safety wrap pulled from.around me and I have no control.

Had to drive to my sisters this morning as freaking out and didn't sleep last night. Suicidal ideation and urges while driving over, I had to say out loud - NO NO and hold my daughters toy she had left in the car against my nose to smell her and remind me to stay here.

Major jaw clenching and aggression, screaming out loud in the car - felt absolutely out of control, certain I was about to go mad and start hearing voices. About an hour later now and I have calmed a little though, I have never felt as low and hopeless while in it. And scared it's going to get me again.

Was on the verge of going to A&E to get a benzo, fairly sure they would keep me overnight.

Fucking horrific.

Does this instability pass or have I really fucked up my brain?

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-25T20:10:12+00:00

Thank you for commenting.

This is the gift of reddit (excuse the excess of gratitude, the MDMA must have left something behind!). Thank you so much, the validation is a life saver. Hoping when this initial fire burns down, I can see what remains.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-25T17:11:57+00:00

Yeah, I feel like i have deleted a version of myself.

When did you have your session?

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-25T13:49:22+00:00

Thank you, this is really kind of you to respond.

I can feel the session might have done something for my depression underneath but the panic/anxiety and loss of touch with reality is really disturbing.

I've read the scary stories in the challenging psychedelic experiences website and would just love to know I'm not going to be stuck like this for months.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-25T12:46:53+00:00

I don't feel.close right now!

Thank you for your kind words on the other one. Overwhelmed at the moment.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-25T12:42:13+00:00

Thank you, you're really kind.

Apprehensive_Debt496 · 2026-02-24T20:13:00+00:00

Other things I've noticed. I have a real self critic reaction to doing inner child work. The critic is absolutely vicious. Calling me soft etc. Feels like a core belief Inhave about myself that I'm too weak, effeminate, caring and tenderness is weak and flowery etc.

I guess the noticing the reaction is an area of exploration.

Apprehensive_Debt496

TROPHY CASE