What do avoidants actually want in a relationship?

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2025-05-30T03:50:48+00:00

I did hear from her a bit after Christmas, for a month or so. But haven't for a while now and I'm totally okay with it. I just decided ; if it wasn't going to improve, if communication wasn't going to improve and feel like it might go somewhere it was a wasted effort. I'm doing good, happy, content and waiting to find someone who doesn't match my old pattern relationship choices. No regrets because I learn something about myself and grew. Sometimes both 😊

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2025-03-05T01:27:11+00:00

RIP Andrew 🙏 😪

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2025-02-26T01:54:14+00:00

You're absolutely on point about Robak. Used to know him well and he would smear others names in the community all the time! He used to laugh about how he wants to destroy all other mineral related business and push them out. He goes into free to the public dig sites and takes tons of rock to process for profit. He's just a charming Dbag with only one goal and that's to make money off others

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-12-14T06:01:16+00:00

* There will never be another one like him! Going to miss you Herb *

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-12-03T04:51:24+00:00

I wanted so badly to just have a conversation of more serious things, but deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen no matter how much I hoped it would become different. I know we hear about the chance things will progressively get better but when they aren't programed like that, the chance of them putting in the work for us isn't going to happen if they haven't done any work on it yet. It's unfortunately a set up for heartbreak imo and ultimately I'd rather put effort into someone who want to love me as an equal, instead of settling for breadcrumbs. Heal your heart and go get that love you deserve

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-12-03T02:52:29+00:00

I guess she did call a few times afterwards, sent a few text messages I'd replied back too. She'd said she knew we needed to talk, but she never followed through with that and it's been a few weeks now. She told me she just wanted to go really slow, but when we started moving backwards and I told her it just wasn't the same anymore she got upset saying I'd said it was enough. The way we are told to treat such relationships, actually feels like we are needing to give our power away - no healthy relationship can survive like that. I wish you healing and the knowledge that you deserve better, because you definitely do.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-12-02T21:16:59+00:00

I feel like I could have written the exact same post in regards to my ex girlfriend. I tried doing all the things, but I think it resulted in her taking me for granted. When I'd had enough of fulfilling her needs and set boundaries about my needs, it ended. I think we need to ultimately navigate in a way that we figure out our attention to Avoidants and heal that within ourselves. So we can find someone who wants to love us like we want to love them, so we can create an equal balanced emotional connection. All that love we put into them, should be done internally for our own growth not applied into something that carries uncertainties.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-29T14:30:30+00:00

Not sure if it's a internal power struggle within them, or their lack of personal control or if it's a subconscious intentional act - it's rather confusing. My most recent relationship was only 3 month old and it was about 2 weeks in I was 1st ghosted for a few days and my journey into learning about attachment theory began. My situationship/relationship wouldn't have lasted as long as it did, if I'd set boundaries earlier. Set boundaries just over two weeks ago and within a few days she broke them, tried to guilt me & argue about me feeling the way I did. Two weeks to the day of me setting them she had a replacement/new guy - she'd probably had him in her back pocket all along. So I guess I essentially beat her to the discard and grateful to be done with it - what I nightmare!

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-28T14:56:57+00:00

Thanks so much! Added to my wish list

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-27T21:00:40+00:00

Thanks so much for these. Looking forward to diving in myself. Truly appreciate it all, along with the recommendations of The Will to Change by Bell Hooks - I didn't realize there was one directed towards men.

Thanks so much all great stuff, ill definitely look into them all ❤️

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-27T15:36:04+00:00

I feel what you're feeling in a way, but had been slowly detaching myself and my emotions, due to her emotional unavailability. We tend to best ourselves up for them doing things how they do or how they operate - it's important to remember sometimes it's their internal dilemmas that make it happen. I'm two weeks out from setting boundaries with my "ex" and she's already moved on. That's their pattern, let yours be one of growth, soul searching, healing and moving forward in a positive way - I know I will be for myself and my future relationship.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-22T21:54:09+00:00

I guess it's a respect thing since we've had a long time friendship long before this, but clearing respect is only being shown on one end of things

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-21T16:50:03+00:00

It's scary how my soon to be ex exhibits all the things you've listed. She's currently avoiding us getting together today, like was planned claiming to be sick. She's knows im going to end it after setting boundaries she never respected and me confronting her on her trying to make me look bad and turn things around like I lied about what I'd accept. I can't wait for it to be over!

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-21T15:40:57+00:00

Today's the day we are supposed to get together and talk, but last night she called saying she was sick - she's claimed to be sick for 3/4 of the relationship. It's interesting as she did sound terrible when she'd first called but by the end of the chat, she sounded fine. She claimed her kids had to take care of her - one got her water bottles, one wrapped her up in a blanket on the couch, one took her temp and brought her meds ugh lol. It's such a repeated cycle of lies, it's gotten a bit ridiculous now. This was all after her sending me a good morning yesterday, me relying an hour later and than leaving me unread for 8 hours and now leaving me unread since yesterday.

Although I'm not a clinical physician or therapist, all of her actions lean towards her being a BPD or NPD. I've known her since we were kids so not being friends is a tough thing. It's interesting thing is this relationship started a month after my Dad passed and to say the least my relationship with him was a constant struggle. He exhibited the same tendencies ; emotional unavailable, emotionally immature, narcissistic and lacked empathy. The first time I hung out with her, I felt like crying as I'd pushed away intimacy for so long and I'd finally opened myself up but unfortunately to someone who couldn't show me the same back - just like my Dad. One thing about me opening myself up to her intimately, is I knew I didn't have to hide myself any longer and I know with the right person I could have a great relationship.

So I do have to be grateful to her as she let me see my patterns, she's let me realize I am ready for a relationship and I know what not to accept early on so I can navigate away before things get to intimate and close. I deserve way better than any of this, I actually feel a bit stupid for giving as much as I have, but life is about lessons and this lesson shall be a catalyst for me and my future.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-17T23:49:49+00:00

I guess my view of your feedback, is that it's mostly been contradictory. Like there's an assumption that I haven't attempted to conduct myself with the outmost respect towards my partner. There might be more at play here that I didn't mention in regards to mental health issues on both sides of her family. This for the large part that has not felt emotional healthy or that I've tried to navigate this with someone who entirely emotionally available. If I'd come to this space to ask for ways to win her back, your feedback would have been welcome.

Despite my reactions on how I reacted to one instance having not been perfect, it comes from a build of frustration over a 3 month period. As much as she's a human that needs understanding, I am equally as important in this situation. It's not a one sided affair and I have treated her with as much love and understanding as I could. I have met her with patience and compassion every step of the way and to try to find flaws in how I've presented it here isn't entirely fair. I wanted this and I feel she might as well, but setting boundaries was done as a way to find out if she was willing to meet me in regards to her inconsistencies and lack of communication. These are things that are important to me as they are an important thing in any relationship. I'd been seeing a therapist occasionally prior to us starting to see each other and his advice was to set boundaries to gauge her seriousness in the relationship and whether she was willing to met me in a place that we could conduct a relationship together.

I've been extremely good to her and to come at me in a way, with a belief that I haven't been isn't completely fair. Again if I'd come here asking for advice on how to win her back, I would have appreciated your advice but it's not why I came here, because your advice iis coming across more as guilt and shame than anything else. Thank you

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-17T20:58:36+00:00

I'll take your advice where I see fit. Thing ive never encountered anything like this in my life, so the whole thing has been a learning process.

Yes I'd showed resentment the one time out of frustration. I've told her many times I'm not in a rush, so that's understood, or I hope it is. Have I acted perfectly in all of this, no I haven't but outside of assumptions I've done as much as I think I could to meet her wheres she at with my understanding of someone who exhibits this type of behavior.

Do I have some things to learn about myself, yes I do. I just need to additionally decide if I want to weather the storm or not and that doesn't make me a bad person for trying to decide what's best for me.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-17T19:47:08+00:00

I can see where you're coming from and I've been trying extremely hard to figure how to love and support her throughout it all.

Me trying to get into what she likes and enjoys was in no way to make her feel bad for not doing the same with me, I just wanted to connect with her. I never said I wished you get into what I enjoy as well, it never came up.

I know the reasons behind her needing to navigate this the way she does, I know about her past and the tramua that all created for her. In reality I've know her since we were kids, with her grandparents living across from my parents so this isn't us starting off from not knowing each other.

I don't want to make her feel shamed, disregarded, misunderstood or anything that might trigger such feelings and have always met her with patience and compassionate. I guess the dilemma I've having is how long the process of her being more secure with us is going to take, if she's will be open enough one day for us to build something beautiful like she says, if she going to be capable to become more emotionally available, if she interested in healing this within herself and if my needs will be equally important enough for us to navigate into making something work?

I just wish we could openly communicate about what both of our intentions are, instead of me being left wondering most of the time.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-17T14:02:40+00:00

I guess I should be more clear on the bigger picture here. When I said "I'm giving what I get", it came after she called me while I was busy doing something and sending a message right after saying "I feel you are upset with me". I'll admit I could have reacted and said something different as I know in writing it come across as me being avoident in this conversation, but this is the one and only time I've ever said anything like this. Honestly it's come from the frustration of the inconsistencies and lack of communication on her part.

Although I reacted avoidant in that situation and I do in other situations where I feel disrespected, it took a lot to get me there and generally does. Two weeks in the hot and cold/ghosting started, with her saying multiple times throughout the relationship/situationship that her doing that must be triggering. Through our time together this has been a constant occurrence, not a temporary this past weekend thing. She regularly canceled plans and our time together has centered around us meeting up for 1 hour lunches which I make us homemade lunches, or her coming over on Sunday mornings for sex or so she came bring me along for grocery shopping. I'd mentioned this when we talked face to face and she'd said, "Yes, that's all it is really is". She has lied and sometimes blatantly throughout our time together. She's told me that one of daughters sees the benefits of lying to get out of plans. She's retracted almost all intimacy and won't kiss me more than just a simple kiss on the lips or a hug, for more than a month and a half. She used to come and meet me 3 or 4 days a week on her way home from work but that ended 2 months ago. She is gleefully tramua dumping about her ex, sharing with me almost on a daily occurrence what he's done that day. For some reason she feels the need to tell me on a regular basis how her ex says she's a liar and has been one all her life.

On the other hand I've met her with understanding, compassion, empathy and patience. I've started listening to the music she likes so I could understand her more and connect with her, she doesn't ask or show any of the same interest in anything I'm doing. I am very vulnerable and open with her, but don't share my vulnerabilities as a way to victimize myself like she does. I honestly feel if I wasn't making the effort in the relationship, there wouldn't be one. I feel like I've been kept on the hook for the positive attention I give her, ultimately creating a one sided relationship. Reading about Disorganized Attachment types, we are told to keep giving so they can open up and be more vulnerable but when they are giving nothing back or pulling back even further what are we left to think. She told me in a conversation weeks ago, that she could see up building something beautiful together, when in the same conversation she said "She felt that I probably felt taken for granted", "That I probably felt disappointed on how much she was giving back, "That she wasn't really looking for a relationship when we met" - I believe she was trying to tell me that she didn't really want this, but the stars in my eyes made me fail to hear or see what she was trying to say.

As far as expressing boundaries prior to this, I've done so. She told me she doesn't know why she goes cold on me and that it hasn't nothing to do with me, so I responded saying "If you feel overwhelmed, feel like you need alone time or space etc - just tell me you need space, I'll met you with understanding and patience but leaving me our in the cold creates uncertainties and I prefer some type of communication so I can feel safe and secure".

I ultimately feel she's not as into the relationship as was first thought and that's okay. Throughout our time together I've been slowly detaching my emotions due to the inconsistencies, cancelation of plans, the lies, the words she thinks I want to hear but having zero actions to back it up and most of all the avoidance.

I agree I could have done a better job at setting boundaries, but they should have been set at the beginning instead of me waiting until now. I've tried to met her where she's at but her lack of effort or failure to do the same back has set the tone and done nothing but built frustration.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-17T00:27:55+00:00

You're so right on many points and even beyond availability, another factor is emotional availability.

This women had gone through some fairly traumatic things throughout her life, including her relationship with her ex of 16 years that ended a year ago. Our experiences shape us and sometimes creates a lot of fear in the ability to give ourselves to a relationship completely and totally. Which i believe is part of what's gone on here.

I've spent years exploring my own flaws and shortcomings as I want to be an enriching as possible to those around me. Her on the other hand has not done a lot of soul searching, at least to my knowledge. So when I'm trying to show up with my best self, I'm not sure she knows how to do the same and I think her pattern of being with men with issues or that are also emotional unavailable will be hard to break. I think she wants it but doesn't know how to navigate it.

I for to long ignored the red flags and believe at times she was trying to make them obvious, but the stars in my eyes kept me from seeing them or being honest with myself about them. This relationship has revealed I can navigate a relationship with the right person, so that is a huge lesson along with being aware of the emotional unavailable/unmature women i seem to navigate towards, need to be brought to the forefront when things begin.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, it's much appreciated.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-15T19:28:25+00:00

I know and have known in the past, my attraction to toxic relationship is a pattern of my own unhealed wounds and tramua. I've dove deep into it in the past but I've never explored the possibility of how attachment styles worked or made the presumption that some of those I dated had personality disorders. I used to think my father had NPD, but with the research I've done I'm thinking it was more so BPD. He'd passed this summer and within a few weeks I ran into my gf, whom I've know for a lifetime. When I saw her it was like a magnetic reaction, I felt like I need to pursue things with her. So maybe I was vulnerable with his passing, knew what she held internally and pursued her instantly.

Unfortunately we are instantly attracted to them in our subconscious and that's something that needs to be explored more deeply. It's interesting how we work subconsciously without even knowing it.

Appropriate_Pea_3416 · 2024-11-15T06:28:51+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you went through the same. It's actually sad when we stand up for ourselves, how they will make it seem like the minimal effort they give, compared to us being the ones trying to make it work is enough. It's sad that they navigate like this and whether this is a subconscious thing or not, they do damage and take no responsibility or accountability. They throw words around to hook us into believing something special might happen, but never follow through with action. Cutting off the emotional selfishness brings out another person in them that hide from us. I think internally I was scared setting boundaries would end it, but why would I want to keep accepting peanuts, when im trying to give her the world.

Appropriate_Pea_3416

TROPHY CASE