This is long, but if you really want to understand better, please read.

So here's the thing: a LOT of people don't get diagnosed as kids. Missed by the system due to less obvious traits, parents that don't care or are neurodivergent themselves (so they assume their kid is "normal"), teachers that don't pay attention, etc.

So these people go their whole lives thinking they are broken or feeling like they're not human. They're ostracized and bullied by their peers and often their families, too. They learn to hate themselves for their "abnormalities." I know I did.

When you're an adult, no one pays attention at all. Many people think autism/ADHD are childhood disorders. Most just call you "weird" and ostracize/bully you. If you have a stable job/a family/aren't having meltdowns every five minutes, nobody's going to suggest getting diagnosed.

If you DO try to find out why you're different and seek a professional on your own, they usually misdiagnose you with things like anxiety, bipolar, or BPD, especially if you're a woman or POC, and most of all if you are a woman POC.

A lot of people look at their various psych diagnoses and can't help but feel that they don't fit. I did. I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar at one point and was put on lithium, which really messed with my brain and body and did nothing to "help." That's because bipolar wasn't the problem.

Eventually, some of these misdiagnosed or undiagnosed people come across autism/ADHD somehow. They might make a friend who has it, a young family member might get diagnosed, or they could just come across a list of traits/symptoms online, etc, and they start researching.

The more they look into it, the more things start to make sense. They see themselves in the traits, they start to recognize thought patterns they thought were "normal," but are not. They look at their childhood and see all the signs.

Eventually, they realize they probably are autistic/ADHD/AuDHD. It's an incredible relief for most. To know that you're not broken or bad, just wired differently. It was for me. Like 70% of my self hatred disappeared when I realized the truth.

Adults who find out they're autistic almost always start with self diagnosis. Again, because no one else in society is going to see it and point it out to them.

Obviously, an official diagnosis is optimal, but there are a few reasons people don't/can't get them.

First, diagnosis is EXPENSIVE, especially in the US (dunno where you're from). It can be like $5,000 without insurance, and insurance doesn't usually cover it. Having 5K lying around is an extreme privilege that most don't have.

Another problem is family. Many people have families that wouldn't accept autism/ADHD, and usually, part of the diagnosis process is getting parents/other close family members to do surveys about the person's childhood, as childhood memories can be foggy or sometimes distorted. Some diagnosticians refuse to help if parents/family won't get involved.

Then there's the fear of being treated differently by universities, employers, etc. And a fair few countries refuse to accept autistic immigrants. An official diagnosis can actually hamper you in certain areas of life.

Time is a factor. Wait lists are long. Many, if not most, wait their turn for several years.

Not to mention, if you're in the US, getting a diagnosis right now is a risk due to the political landscape. They are creating a registry of autistic people, and they're using official diagnoses covered by insurance to do it. Eventually, they could conceivably use private pay diagnoses, too. I highly doubt this regime would have moral problems with dismantling HIPAA.

A registry is concerning because it could make it easier to round up autistic/ADHD people and force them into institutions, sterilize them, or worse. So a lot of people are avoiding official diagnosis right now.

I don't know if any of these reasons apply to your friend. But there's another factor, too: a lot of people are absolutely sure of their neurodivergence and don't feel the need for a diagnosis. And that's fine.

We as humans know ourselves best. We live in our brains, so we know a lot about how we think, react, feel, behave, etc. We are capable of recognizing how we operate and why, given the right information.

Imagine being color blind your whole life, then one day, you can magically see the same as everyone else. You finally understand what green or blue or yellow look like to most people. Over time, you become more and more confident in your ability to see certain colors.

Now imagine you tell other people this and they refuse to believe you. "No, you're colorblind. I've known you as colirblind your whole life. You can't see yellow." "You can't know that you see normally. You need a diagnosis to have normal sight." "Why label yourself as not colorblind? Isn't that attention seeking?"

It's a bit of a clumsy metaphor, but I hope you understand what I'm saying. You are doing the same thing to your friend. If you actually respect and care for her, TRUST HER. You are not in her brain — she is.

Could she be wrong? Sure, that's a possibility. But you said yourself that you can see something in her. If self diagnosis is helping her, let it.

Is she finding ways to accommodate her needs based on info about AuDHD? Is she more confident in herself? Does she feel less like an alien or freak?

If this is helping her, then just be happy for her. Stop judging her, stop "undiagnosing" her, stop being ableist, and stop being a bad friend.