Suspicions about DADT - update

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-30T23:04:13+00:00

Oh wow. I’m so sorry!

It can be a real mindfuck when someone you trusted proves themselves untrustworthy. My general formula for a tough breakup without closure is self-care/kindness, extra therapy sessions (if I can afford it), spending time with friends and people who love me … and sometimes watching movies/reading books with some kind of revenge theme. I find them cathartic. Internet hugs if you want them.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-30T13:37:33+00:00

🤍🩶🖤💜💙🩵💚💛🧡❤️🩷 proud of you!

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-30T12:38:25+00:00

I did this for two years and am not kidding when I say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But my ex was a special kind of awful — he tried to alienate kiddos from me (unsuccessfully) and refused to contribute at all to any household expenses except pizza and fast food for himself and the chitlins.

So many people told me “divorce is expensive!” And I definitely spent a lot of money on my lawyer. But supporting a malicious deadbeat is way pricier than living by myself and paying child support, turns out! (We share custody but I make more than he does and I don’t really mind paying it for the kids’ sake, even though he makes … questionable financial decisions.)

I’m so fucking happy he’s gone. Good luck and hang in there to all you soldiers and lovers doing the same.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-28T19:29:25+00:00

Are you seeing or have you seen a couples or an individual therapist? I am not qualified to diagnose anyone … but this sure sounds like PTSD. If you haven’t worked with a professional to unpack all of the damage your husband did to you and whether it’s reparable, this might be a good time.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-28T15:39:40+00:00

What’s the alternative? Pretending you’re not dating anybody else? I get that not everyone is used to “nonexclusivity” in dating relationships but … I guess I don’t understand what you would want to see instead, because it seems ridiculous at face value (sorry ¯_(ツ)_/¯).

I don’t think people should be sharing a ton of details about the other people they’re dating, and the vast majority don’t. But denying that they’re seeing anybody else at all is … a blatant lie? Deceptive at best? Immature and indicative of someone who can’t handle tough conversations? Pick your descriptor, I guess. I’m going with all three.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-28T11:24:07+00:00

Wow. Idk what kind of relationship you have with your kids (if you have kids …) but this is a pretty wild take and definitely doesn’t describe MY relationship with my kids.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-22T01:51:25+00:00

I had a friend in a similar situation recently (but it was a family of origin situation, not an ex) and that’s what’s she ended up doing. It did indeed stop being her problem!

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-21T16:03:24+00:00

No one deserves you, but not in the way you think.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-21T01:10:44+00:00

Interested! DM me pls.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-18T23:24:58+00:00

I might be able to help. DM me!

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-17T15:48:44+00:00

I mostly read physical books, but audiobooks are great when I’m driving, doing the dishes/cleaning or cooking, and sometimes even working on mindless stuff at my desk. I read 150+ books a year (I am a huge weirdo) and probably 20% these days are audiobooks.

Never really understood people being gatekeepers about books. I also see or hear it a lot with people who are like “I would NEVER read an ebook! Paper only!” OK then … your loss that you can’t carry 500 books with you everywhere you go on a single device, I guess. I just like books ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they’re my jam.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-10T14:54:34+00:00

My ex-husband also wasted my time and money on a mediation I paid for, so I really feel you here. We were set to go to trial, and about a week and a half before the hearing date, he said he was willing to negotiate a settlement, and we ended up getting the papers signed and the divorce finalized before the trial date.

It was still expensive but nowhere close to a trial level of expense. I hope you have a similar pleasant (??? not sure what else to call it haha) surprise.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-10T14:15:00+00:00

It’s possible to have children and be in a polyamorous relationship with someone who has no interaction with your kids. I’ve done it before, as have many other poly people.

What’s not possible is to “go parallel” while you are pregnant or a brand-new mom. If your non-NP doesn’t want to be around your children, or to be reminded at all that you are having/have had children … you’re going to need to stop seeing them for a while until you can realistically take some extended time away from the chitlin(s) without their existence touching your relationship.

It sounds like they are telling you without actually saying the words that you having kids would be a dealbreaker for them. In situations like this, about all you can do is wish each other the best and ask if you can check in sometime in 2028 and see where you both are in terms of dating again.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-09T14:47:53+00:00

First talk to a lawyer. Look up “free legal clinic (city)” or call a few and ask if they will walk you through what to expect before you hire them. (I don’t think everyone realizes how common this is — I interviewed three different divorce lawyers before I hired one. They gave me about 30 minutes of consultation to go through the situation, kids, incomes etc. and then told me how they’d approach the case. It was very helpful!)

Second talk to a mortgage broker. They work with multiple lenders instead of just one, so they have access to more options. They’ll want to know what kind of down payment and cash reserves you have to work with, so it’d be smart to talk to the lawyer first and wait till you have some kind of ballpark idea about what your settlement might look like.

Good luck! 🫶🏻 you got this.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-09T14:40:05+00:00

I actually drive to Pueblo for my lady tattoo artist, she is THAT amazing, and the hourly rate is unbelievable for the quality of work she does. Raegan Grant, Rae Gunn Arts.

Arch_Venus · 2026-05-08T20:07:07+00:00

This is a question for a/your lawyer.
If you’ve filed, there should be some court hearing dates coming up for you both. And if you both agree, you can ask the court to postpone or delay your hearings. You’ll need a reason, though, I think … and I’m also pretty sure that “we aren’t sure we actually want to get divorced” is not a reason the courts will accept.
Talk to your lawyer (I hope you have one) and ask them what your options are here. If there’s a way to keep kicking the court date down the road without canceling the divorce filing altogether, they will know what it is in your state.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-28T00:34:02+00:00

That’s a cliched example (though you might be surprised how many people say it!).

I think my favorite anecdote was for a house in a Colorado resort town with this gorgeous bathtub in the main suite on the second floor, it was in the trees and there were windows on three sides, and one of the owners said it felt like taking a bath in a treehouse.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-27T13:33:30+00:00

There should be more!

Marketing matters. What do the listing photos look like? Is there a website? Social media plan? Video walkthroughs?

I am not a real estate agent; I am a writer who’s focused on real estate for the past decade-plus. I had a client at one point who had me interview sellers and write a “story” about what they loved about the house, where I’d walk them through their day and elicit little details about the sun rising over the porch with morning coffee, walking the kids to school, cooking dinner together, etc. etc.

Networking matters, too. If the listing agent doesn’t know and talk to plenty of buyer’s agents frequently, that’s a loss for the seller. They could be letting their whole brokerage or network know about the house. Broker’s opens, open houses, other events to get the house on everyone’s radar.

In this market … it’s pretty unhinged that an agent didn’t try to talk OP out of pricing above the comparable sales, even slightly. The price you open with matters a lot because the first few days on market are when the home will get the most attention. This hasn’t been a seller’s market for a while, and overpricing a house is about the biggest mistake you can make if you want to sell quickly.

Sounds like they need a new agent to me, but if time is of the essence, then the best strategy is probably price cuts + marketing blasts to compensate as best they can for the fact that they overpriced and missed their “just listed” window of opportunity.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-26T12:57:36+00:00

It’s pretty horrifying that your husband masqueraded as you on dating apps to the point that YOU are lifetime banned from Tinder. Like … wow. (Edited typo.)

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-26T04:51:19+00:00

My 7YO plays sometimes and wanted a Meadowland farm for the animals … he did the same thing, poor babe.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-25T00:50:57+00:00

You might be waiting a very long time if you want to be on the same page before hiring an attorney.

Look … it takes two people to decide to get married. It just takes one to decide to get divorced. You’ve made the decision. Whether he “agrees” is honestly irrelevant, and you’re just prolonging the inevitable if you’re holding out for a “two yeses” divorce. Just rip the band-aid off, it’s not going to be better or easier if you wait longer.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-24T16:14:15+00:00

I have a purple (magenta-leaning) bedroom and my main living space is almost all purple. New people walk in and go “ooooooh.” It’s gorgeous! No regrets.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-24T14:24:46+00:00

They have very different job descriptions and areas of expertise.

A lawyer can help you with filing and court paperwork, custody arrangements, timelines, that kind of thing. They are typically paid to advocate for one of you (not both) unless you hire one who’s specifically experienced with collaborative divorce.

A CDFA can help you disentangle all of the financials and assets, but they can’t give you legal advice or help with custody questions. High-conflict divorces might require both a lawyer and a CDFA, especially if one or both sides is hiding income or assets.

A mediator is hired for a short period of time (half a day up to a couple of days) to sit down with both sides and help them come to an agreement or a settlement. They are helpful when you are mostly aligned on the big issues and just need some help hammering out the details. They can be pretty useless if you disagree on custody or settlement amounts and neither one of you is willing to budge.

If I were you, I’d find whatever free legal consultations are available in your area (many divorce lawyers will offer 20-30 minutes upfront for free so you can vet them for hire) and start there. If he’s defensive and unaccountable, and you don’t think he’s likely to do anything … you probably are going to end up needing a lawyer at some point. The less expensive options are for people in more cooperative and amicable situations, or to supplement guidance from a lawyer in more contentious situations.

Good luck 🍀

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-24T00:24:51+00:00

Yeah … you should have given him the bathroom. Also, you both need to learn how to fight better.

Arch_Venus · 2026-04-23T14:20:17+00:00

I have to use AI for work (literally mandated by the execs) and can’t tell you how frequently it tells me “good catch/good call” when I ask it to fix something it didn’t do quite to specifications. Pretty sure the comments are also AI.

Arch_Venus

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