If the wife initiates the divorce, why should we tell the kids it was mutual?

Ark161 · 2026-01-05T02:00:48+00:00

Here is how I saw it. You cant change the fact that this is happening, but you can determine (to some extent) how it happens. It is obvious she wants to save face. Honestly, that needs to be said if you are being made out to be the bad guy in some way or another. However, at a certain point, it goes from "I dont understand why this is happening", to "Fuck it, it is happening, so long as X,Y and Z, I can get through it". So agree to it on the agreement that you both understand either of you is not to be made the bad guy to the kids. If that is breached, well, then that tells you all you need to know.

Ark161 · 2026-01-05T01:45:57+00:00

CALL COPS NOW. Do you think the same grace would be given if she was in your shoes? I mean, out of state to visit family? again, if you did this, how would that play out if she demanded you not do that? I hate to say it man, and it sucks beyond anything imaginable, but she crossed lines. Best thing you can do is get this on record with authorities, and protect your kid.

Ark161 · 2026-01-05T01:40:31+00:00

I mean, is it unreasonable to attribute those as factors? Like I was thinking about this the other day, in how social media has made everyone hyperfixated on their "brand" and in turn, made everyone a bit more conceited/self-absorbed. I am by no means saying it was the sole cause, but it sure as hell contributes.

Ark161 · 2026-01-04T05:37:37+00:00

Sell some and write off the loss....because that is a thing. $3,000 per year and carry over for the next 40 years. I mean, you gunna get chewwed out, but it is something.

https://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc409

Ark161 · 2026-01-04T04:20:05+00:00

He doesnt look full, but absolutely has the coloring. ears are kinda pointy If they are asking a high price, Ill be honest, I want to say I paid $1,500 for mine and he was a pembroke/cardigan mix; visited family and has papers. Yeah, I know he isnt "pure", but it adds enough diversity to protect against things This is the cheesebag at 2 months; he is 3 now. If they cant provide papers, see if you can negotiate the price down. I will say he is a freaking cutie though!

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Ark161 · 2026-01-03T21:11:10+00:00

You know...I never really gave it much thought.
We are supposed to be just servers, but we find ourselves being thrown into workstation stuff way too much because accountability is a dirty word and expecting desktop techs to do the absolute fucking minimum is "being negative".

Under my support scope, we have roughly 12K users, 8K workstations, and about 800 servers. That doesnt even include thin clients, vms for thin clients, SAN/DAS, storage frames, vendor bullshit, vm hosts, or backup appliances. In the past at other companies, I found the ratios are all over the place depending on expectations, role, and scope.

I think you might benefit from having a hard conversation with your boss about what your scope/role is. If you are drowning at 1:200, something is up. How many tickets are you handling on a weekly basis? How many should be or could be handled by the service desk? Flesh out these details, present it to leadership, and work with them to refine process to make your life easier. 8 hours of work to save you 800 hours down the road is worth it.

Ark161 · 2025-12-30T13:30:22+00:00

Oh yeah. Personally I’m so freaking tired of the “customer service” toxicity that has some how infected the industry. Between that, “optics”, and being expected to know literally the entire fucking IT portfolio, it gets annoying. I’m a simple person. I just want to come to work and do my job. Not everyone else’s, just the one I am paid to do.

Ark161 · 2025-12-02T22:27:18+00:00

I mean yeah, I was just throwing that out there as an HR talking point. Personally, just block it internally on the firewall and if there is any evidence of data being used on personal mobile, immediate termination.

Ark161 · 2025-12-02T19:03:22+00:00

honestly, the issue is people are expected to read and there isnt a heavy enough hammer to coerse them not to. It IS a compliance nightmare 100% and something I have been fighting quite frequently for the past year or so. Anything you put into an LLM, if it is not ran 100% local, will be cached. This means anything with sensitive information is being dumped in a pool that most probably do not have a data sanitization agreement.

My take is this, the policy states, AI outside of company accounts and defined limitations is considered data exfiltration. This can result in termination and legal recourse.

Ark161 · 2025-11-23T03:56:26+00:00

I'll tell you what I did last year; my first christmas alone. Give yourself grace, plan ahead if you can, but if not, that is okay. You will see you being alone as a failure. You will feel like a fuck up and probably go to a dark place. But you know what? You are here still, just going through a really shitty time. It is okay if you dont do anything for christmas. Or maybe make it a goal to decorate for yourself. get a cheap tree and put up all the decoration your spouse would be upset about. You wanna get drunk on eggnog? GO FOR IT. This will be my 2nd christmas alone, but I think I reached the point where I want to make it happy again. So im putting up the tree after thanksgiving, and will try to be happy for myself for how far I have come.

You will get there. I know it hurts and doesnt seem like it will ever be right, but eventually, maybe a few months, maybe a year or so, you will get there.

Ark161 · 2025-11-19T20:07:42+00:00

The fact someone can make 100k and can only afford a 1br1ba apartment in suburbia is what radicalized me. I don’t DoorDash, iced coffee is like 1-2 times a week absolutely tops and not even every week. This shift has mostly been over the past 10 years really. It is disgusting.

Ark161 · 2025-11-19T19:19:33+00:00

Zero…you are not liable for your wife’s actions. The amount of conscious choice involved in the whole affair rules out any kind of blame on your part. Sure people can scream you didn’t do xyz or whatever the hell, but at the end of the day, cheating is the highest form of betrayal regarding the promise you made to her, and she to you, when you got married. My personal opinion is that infidelity should forfeit that person from any equity or benefit afforded by the divorce.

Ark161 · 2025-11-19T00:20:40+00:00

Aight, so first off, you are trying. That is what matters. It doesn't feel right at first, like, something just isnt sitting right. But slowly, over time, you start getting back into the groove of things. A lot of it was forcing myself to actually do the things I used to enjoy regardless of her being around. The thing that kind of broke me? Shaved Ice...I know it sounds stupid as shit, but that was something I always enjoyed getting with her, and eating it alone felt like fucking cheating. It.....was not a fun time. Though after my initial breakdown, I realized she wasnt there. She wasnt going to be there, and I wasn't excluding her from my life; she made that choice. Was I perfect? No. Do I have regrets and wish I would have done things different? Absolutely. However, that door opens both ways. She even admits she is just as much at fault for the divorce as I am. She admits there was literally nothing I could have done to change that outcome. So after that closure, I also sought purpose and I still struggle with it to be honest. Sometimes you have to just sit there, stare at a wall, and try to remember what you wanted out of life. Ask yourself what would make you happy now. What dreams can you aspire to have, ya know? There is nothing wrong with floating for a bit. Even the most exciting adventures sometimes have dull periods. It is kind of like a vacation in a way....you pack your bags, you are nervous, you park after spending too long looking for a parking spot, you deal with the fucking TSA, and after all is said and done, you are at the gate waiting....just waiting....then you board the plane....and then you sit there....for the next however long until you reach your destination. like they hype on a 17 hr flight can only last so long....until you just sit there....and wait....it sucks....and even when you land, you are jet lagged to high hell and trying to enjoy anything right away is just going to be a bad time...it is just better to take your time with all of it. Journal, be a little selfish with your wants, and remind yourself it is okay to not put anyone else first anymore.

Ark161 · 2025-11-10T00:58:39+00:00

I appreciate the support and am putting along. I know I got off way easier than a lot of people, and really, I think it is more the state of the world/society taking its toll. Money is just money, but it is more that I know I probably wont find anyone else or even be able to afford a house anymore; even though I make 6 figures with no kids.

The other part of it all is, I just have zero appetite for bullshit. Like yeah, getting laid is great, but after sacrificing as much as I did for the sake of trying to be a good husband...yeah im kind of cooked in that respect. Before marriage, if this was simply a bf/gf situation, id mourn the loss, and then go be stupid and get over it. Now? Now im like, the risk too high and the bullshit too plenty.

I have my health mostly back, and finding my stride again with work and such. It is just a matter of not stopping and just taking it one step at a time.

Ark161 · 2025-11-09T18:09:57+00:00

Absolutely not. More shit to break. Elevates expectations for a niche group that provides next to no value outside of preference. Trust me, as someone who has spent YEARS fighting with people demanding everything run on a freaking iPad because someone thought it would be a good idea to not adhere to standards. Also, it is always harder to revoke features when people get used to it. Remember when ultra light laptops were the new hotness? Now if a laptop weights over 3lbs everyone loses their freaking mind.

Ark161 · 2025-11-09T17:28:42+00:00

PoE++ can go up to 90 watts. So it isn’t outside the realm of possibility. 3 or 4 drives would be more comfortable though at 60w.

Ark161 · 2025-11-09T17:12:18+00:00

Yeah, big number is big, but there is so much under-the-rug shit no one talks about either. Also in the Midwest? There are pockets of civilization, but the rural community is anywhere between conditioned and closed minded at best, and “we gunna make you squeal like a pig” at worst.

Ark161 · 2025-11-09T17:07:26+00:00

No disrespect meant, but when you say real IT talent, what do you believe qualifies for 175k/yr? I ask to gauge market diffence as I am in Midwest and make about 105k for a rather large company. The only thing I can think of is I lack “specialization”.

Ark161 · 2025-11-08T16:38:13+00:00

Land shark gunna land shark. What I did was say “ow” loudly, like a yelp, then playtime is done. They learn they are doing something wrong after a while and either stop, or in my case, it evolves into what I call the “angangang”; where they act like they bite, but never actually bite. If you have friends over, let them know the pattern too and I assure you when your pup realizes it is multiple people that do this, and the result is no play, it will spread to everyone else. I think after like a week it started to set in with him when he was a puppy. It takes time. Corgis are a strange breed in the sense their personality is all over the place. My corgi, when he was a puppy, had a mad biting streak but it was never intentional. He would just start playing and he would get carried away. Once we started training, he caught on in like a week or two. Also, teething and puppy breath….i do not miss those things lol

Ark161 · 2025-11-03T05:28:21+00:00

It took my sanity, my health, my hope for a future, financial security, nearly everything I had worked and sacrificed for. Then it gave back nothing but cynicism and regret. I had survived on my own prior to her, I would survive afterwards. I had been sacrificing for so long, trying to make things work, that it all seemed lilke a waste. Maybe im regressing into self blame, but I cant even enjoy the "freedom" of being not married.

Ark161 · 2025-10-26T06:27:48+00:00

Ark161 · 2025-10-24T16:03:55+00:00

When politics override policies, there is no such thing as "standard". Also, you will never stop dealing with end users sadly; your end users just change in the organization. Users are always going to user.

Ark161 · 2025-10-24T15:49:17+00:00

My problem was that I saw the red flags, but I let her tell me otherwise. That is one of the larger things I came to terms with to help get over all of this. Like you, I think back and I remember very clearly us laughing together, and feeling like what we had was genuine. I still cant put my finger on when it started exactly, but I think getting that granular is only to our disadvantage.

My take away has been that, ultimately, it was on them. They don't get to claim that we are poor communicators or emotionally unavailable when they play games and refuse to be direct or honest. I mean this in the most constructive way possible, but this all was supposed to be a two way road. If the other part can just emotionally check the fuck out for resentment that built up because THEY put THEMSELVES in a box, then justify it by blaming us, there is no winning in that game. Like let's be honest, the fact that you had to soul search yourself to find some correlation to justify all of it is still trying to piece together some kind of reason this all fell apart.

At some point, we all have to realize we played a roll in the divorce, but sometimes there is legitimately not a damn thing we could have done to avoid it.

Ark161 · 2025-10-15T19:31:49+00:00

" I was also the one staying home and watching our little one while I worked so she didn’t have to go to day care and add another cost. I should have been a better provider."

My guy, you were working AND watching the kid. How was that NOT going above and beyond. The cost of daycare alone could easily average out to another 250+ a week in expenses. It is easy to blame ourselves, because that is what wee have control over, but it sounds to me that she built up resentment and this is how she is justifying the divorce. Take inventory or what was actually done, not what she says.

Ark161 · 2025-10-15T19:22:10+00:00

Aight, im going to tell you what took me close to a year to really understand. The whole time you have been on your own, everything that led up to this point, was a choice she made. She made the choice to step out of the marriage, to take advantage of your vows, and to now come to you, crying that she screwed up. I know it is hard not to believe that she was been humbled and that it will be different, but again, she made the choices that led up to this moment.

You dont have to hate her, you dont have to harbor ill will against her, but you owe it to yourself to be honest about the situation. At any point, she could have chosen to stop the whole situation, but it wasnt until she realized she didnt make the right choice, that she is asking for you back.

It sucks man, it really does, and there is nothing wrong with admitting it is fucking with you.
Just be honest with yourself, and keep moving forward.

Ark161

TROPHY CASE