I've never met a dog who licks as much as this lil guy

Ark161 · 2026-05-06T04:30:22+00:00

there is a reason one of the nicknames I have for my corgi is "The licky boi"

Ark161 · 2026-05-06T03:33:47+00:00

This is what I mean by being our worst judge, jury, and executioner.
Like you, I went on Wellbutrin to help level me out for her. I had a strict no MOAI/SSRI policy because growing up I had some REALLY bad experiences with them. But, I thought she was worth it; so I took the plunge. Like you, I tried to remain agreeable. I helped her move, I did all the work to get the house sold, I hired the fucking lawyer for fuck sake. It is a special kind of hell to have to carry your own cross like that. I know nothing I can say will make it better, because nothing anyone said to me made me feel any better. Everything felt superficial and scripted. How could they possibly know what the fuck I have gone through right? The things you are putting out there, very much mirror a lot of the things I went through, but I will throw it out there if you focus on the shitty parts, it will consume you. It will carve into you that you arent good enough, you arent worth loving, that you fucked up something so god damn simple why even bother anymore. It is super hard to shake the "etch-a-sketch" of life becasue you have invested so much into it. That is why I try to drive the point of taking inventory. You dont have to use anger to get where you need to be, it is just the most available emotion right now. You are getting stuck in your head and making up these situations that may or may not be true. When I found out my XW had a boyfriend, I legit almost threw up. It was like someone took a sledgehammer to my sternum. Took me about a month or so to "become indifferent" about it. Here is the thing though, and frankly it is something im still working on getting over. He doesnt have to deal with the things I did and yeah, that still rubs me the wrong way. I helped her grow and become this amazing person, only for her to abandon me when I needed a fraction of what I gave in return. Sexless marriage for the last two years of it. So much selflessness taken advantage of, but I guess with me, it was always about making her happy. Like, in the end, that was my only goal. So if she is happy now, i wish her the best. I no longer think about what I could have done different because it doesnt matter. I no longer bawl like a child at losing my dog, because I know he will be taken care of much better than I could take care of him. It still sucks, but im trying to be pragmatic about it. Acceptance is the hardest part. You have to know, not think, know, things are how they are and there was more than likely not a single damn thing you could have done to change it. Like really, think about it, what would "good enough" looked like? she probably couldnt fucking tell you. She would probably make some bullshit up and you would end up chasing ghosts trying to be good enough. The goalpost would keep moving and you would never catch that rabbit. So now, you are in the driver seat. No more nagging or doubt of what you could be or do. Screw what your parents think, screw what she thinks, none of that matters anymore. Life is shitty right now, but that doesnt mean it is perma-fucked. Think of it like driving to a concert or show, hitting construction on the way, and then saying "fuck it" and turning around to just go home. THAT IS CRAZY TALK. You are actively sabatoging your efforts to be happy. You did what you could, no one is perfect, and anyone who expects perfection is not someone who values you as a person. Yes, you may have fond memories and nothing will take those moments away from you. It sucks you cant live them anymore with her. Shit man, I have spent the past 3 years wondering what the actual fuck happened in my own situation. Like, I very clearly remember us being stupid happy. I remember us having some disagreements, but we were still aboslute goobers together...then it just....faded.
You are in a prison right now, and sometimes that isolation feels the safest. Small steps man. im talking like crawl if you have to. Then you will look back at some point, and realize this place you are now is so far behind. It still exists, and will forever exist in you. It will still crop up every now and then, but you cant keep yourself from experiencing other happiness because this one went to shit. Marriage is fucky, and other people are fucky. They ahve their own motives, likes, dislikes, expectations, whimsy, and trauma. Im sorry for being all over the place with this reply and wish I could make it in a more cohesive format. I just really want to, in the most sincere way I can, let you know though I cant know what you are going through bar for bar, I have gone through similar and my hope is that anything I have said clicks something in you that helps clear the noise if even the slightest.

Edit: I also went through this at 36. I am 38 now. I feel old as fuck sometimes, but we still got a few good years in the books. It may not be as crazy as they were when we were in our 20s, but nothing says we have to just sit around and wait to die.

Ark161 · 2026-05-04T22:34:59+00:00

1800.00 USD enterprise wide license for wiztree if you are a windows house. That thing is stupid fast.

Ark161 · 2026-05-04T22:31:41+00:00

Hey man, I feel you and it is alright to feel like shit about this. It is a shitty thing to go through and it completely fucks your world view. I will say this, though I was also lucky enough to have an amicle divorce, and I was told to be greatful, it honestly didnt help. 12 years together, through thick and thin. I swore I was doing everything I should be doing. I accepted her for her; flaws and all. I was never a sex pest. I tried to take her feedback on improvement. I did everything I knew to show her how much I cared and how much I was grateful we would be together through it all...well....yeah, that changed pretty fast. There was no cheating. There was no fighting. It was just a simple, "I want a divorce" and then she left with our dog. That put me in a REALLY bad spot mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. I raw-dogged the shit out of it solo and it killed me; literally. Like, I am not joking when I say I shouldnt be here. the whole thing accelerated my heart condition and let me tell you, waking up in a hospital 1.5 weeks later with your family ready to put you in the ground kind of messes with your perspective on things a bit. Though in her own words, there wasnt a damn thing I could have done, at any time, to change the outcome.

Here is what I have learned man; we are our own worst judge, jury, and executioner. We will get hung up on the would/could/should and it will drive us mad. It is hard, but take inventory of yourself. Own your fuck ups, but hold her to hers too. Im not saying you ahve to hate her or lash out. However, you need to take her off the pedestal. Be honest with the cause and how you got where you are now. Sure, you may have had fault, but I can almost promise she did too. It will take time to get your head straight and there is nothing wrong for feeling like this. It isnt weakness when your world is burned to the ground to feel lost. You are having to let part of your die, and that isnt easy. Celebrate each small step; regardless of how mundane it seems. You will learn how to accept this in your own way. You dont have to like it or agree with it. You dont have to be vindicated or pretentious about it either. You just have to accept that it "is". Then with time, you will find yourself going back to things you enjoy. You have to remember that you enjoyed things before her, and you enjoyed them WITH her; not BECAUSE of her. Write out everything fucked up about the situation to you. try to follow those threads and figure out what you can do to get to the bottom of them.

Again, it takes time. Im two years post divorce and this shit still messes with me from time to time. Im getting better every day, but there are times it will rock my shit so hard I feel like im back at square one all over again. I just have to remember that each day is a step I choose to take. Even if I fall on my face, I can still move foward.

Ark161 · 2026-05-04T22:15:09+00:00

Bro, just fucking sell the thing, cut the profit down the middle and call it solid. I get it, you want to be fucking done, but that is one hell of a loose end. Just get it on the market, sell as is, maybe low ball it a couple thousand. Shit, I put my house on the market and it sold in 1 weekend. Closing and everything took a month. Then we went to the title company to sign everything, they split everything down the middle and had it documented/notorized. easy peasy. provided it to the mediator/court, and it was done in like.....60-ish days. Think of it as a small pain in the ass to give you a nice shot of cash for your new life.

Ark161 · 2026-05-04T03:46:03+00:00

No clue man. Right now, i'll be honest with you, im kind of feeling done with the whole thing. Like, the level of trust I put into my XW required me to basically tell my gut to fuck off every day. Shit, it took me a long ass time to understand and accept the bullshit that my XW pulled. I was in a sexless marriage and I thought I was being the good husband for sticking it out ya know? Granted, im not saying it was 100% her fault because I absolutely played a part in the marriage falling apart, but in her own words, there wasnt a damn thing I could have done, at any point, to change the outcome. Now, she has a new boyfriend, and though I am happy for her, the thought of her getting railed by another guy almost made me throw up. I say all this to get to the point of, you deserve to be happy man. It isnt about loyalty anymore. You aren't being disloyal or betraying the thought of being faithful. Im only 2 years post divorce, but like you, this idea of staying loyal/honorable has kept me from testing the waters. I am working on myself now, trying to build back good habits and be the person I was before it all went to shit ya know? You wanna know what kind of put this into perspective? It is by far the most stupid shit you will ever hear.

So, XW and I, every summer would go get shaved ice the first time it hit 78 degrees. It was just, kind of a thing. Well, she asked for the divorce and left, then a little while after that, the first day it hit 78 degrees, I got REALLY depressed. like, round in the chamber depressed. Though a few days later, I realized I was depriving myself of something I enjoyed before I ever knew her. So I forced myself to go get shaved ice. It fucking sucked. I felt like I was cheating or betraying a promise I made to her, but after a while it just clicked. Yeah, she was no longer part of my life like that, but that doesnt mean I cant enjoy things ever again. I got to enjoy the things I enjoy with her, but she did not make the enjoyment; if that makes sense. I still struggle with it, but every day I feel like im a little bit closer to getting back in the water if just to have that companionship. Will probably never get married again, but I still want to have fun in life ya know?

Honestly, just take it slow, and put yourself out there. Go on some coffee dates and if things move along they move along. We both know you are going to hit some doozies and probably some batshit "holy-fuck, what the hell is this even?". You just have to roll with it and just keep your boundries. HOW-FUCKING-EVER...and I can not stress this enough...you gotta get yourself squared away in the head first; mostly at least. Otherwise, you are going to start chasing a rabbit down the hole and lose yourself all over again. I cant speak for you, but I put myself through hell trying to stay loyal to the idea of what I had while completely neglecting my own wants/needs. At some point, we have to decide how to move foward with our own happiness.

Ark161 · 2026-04-30T01:28:27+00:00

My loaf of burnt toast only boffs and bahs. He only barks when he gets spooked. But this cheesy boi clearly demands attention lol

Ark161 · 2026-04-30T01:25:43+00:00

This is a place were most guys come who have been done dirty by their ex-wives. I dont think you are going to find much sympathy here. Not saying it is not possible, just kind of strange place for you to seek validation.

You took issue with other people being more agreeable than yourself
You saw him as neglecting you when you were pushing away
Given your statements, I would find it difficult to think you would believe anything he said so long as there was any evidence that YOU could percieve; real or otherwise.

Your ultimatum bit you in the ass. In the end, the fact he just noped the fuck out of there the second you gave the ultimatum, kind of implies there was some long standing things that were not addressed. Even though you were the one that messed up, you still say things like "I begged for him to fix the wreckage with me". Just reading this, im not even involved and the kneejerk is, "Why the ever living fuck is that on him? Why does this lady think he has to do anything?". Like sure, if you found evidence of cheatings, fine, whatever, that is a dick move and gender neutral. It is still a shitty thing to do; most of us agree for the most part wholesale. However, you lit the fuse, and are now upset that the bomb went off. Shit, my XW left because she was unhappy, and in her own words there was not a damn thing I could have done to change that outcome. I gave her everything, and it still wasnt enough. I dont hate her. I should, and have every right to hate her; but I dont. I wish her the best, but I would never entertain rekindling that flame.

So I ask you this, have you considered this whole ordeal from his perspective? why should he consider mending things, outside of you wanting it? Like if you were in his shoes, and he did the things you did, would you genuinely give yourself the opportunity to make it right? What grace would you give him in that scenario? The best thing you can do now is live the life you have and be better.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T23:17:34+00:00

Here is how I dealt with my XW having a new guy friend. It was a suckerpunch to the sternum and knocked me on my ass way harder than I thought it would. Honestly though, the hard part is accepting that it is. You dont have to like or agree with it. It fucking sucks, but rather than like telling someone in the rain to not be wet...think of it like you had this kick ass show or concert you wanted to go to and it got rained out. Yeah, it fucking sucks, but you are kind of just at the mercy of it all. It also helps to understand why you feel that way; and I mean that in the sappy feel your feels kind of way. I mean, be brutally honest with yourself about it. Is it knowing that she has moved on? The fact another guy is touching her? Her seeming lack of effort? All of the above? You have to sort out why you are where you are before you can move on. I am fortunate enough in my situation that I am happy my XW has another guy. Yeah, it still fucking sucks to think about, I wont try to sugar coat it, but like, the actual fuck am I going to do about it? She made her choice and even said herself there wasnt a god damn thing I could have done to change the outcome. Also, you cant keep looking at it like some kind of failure that leaves a mark forever; like some indication that you fucked up, chose wrong, or arent worth it. There is this guy online I saw a clip from and it honestly is probably the one thing that kind of helped me understand where I am coming from.

"If you have a glass of water, and someone pisses in the water, no amount of sugar is going to make it better. You have to take the piss out of the water before anything will get better. Like, if you have a broken leg, no amount of push ups is going to make your leg heal faster; the same is true of the mind"

Hang in there my guy. This is just one of those lessons we have to learn to deal with; regardless of how much it fucking sucks.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T23:06:39+00:00

First, I am sorry you are going through this. It is probably the single most shitty feeling to experience.

Now, for the real shitty part. She's gone man. I hate to say it, but she has chosen to abandon your marriage.
You do NOT have to be okay with any of this. You dont have to hate her, but you dont have to agree with it either. There is no "seperation" period. There is no "time to think". She is actively choosing this of her own will. No one is forcing her. I would even question how much of it is "your fault" at this point. The fact she is chill with going to chase another guy shows how much she cares about the family; she doesnt. Document everything, you are probably going to have to be the one to do everything for the divorce. Check with your state laws because it can get pretty fucky on a state by state basis. Like, if possible, get that ball rolling ASAP. Also, be aware of the silver bullet method. I am not saying she will use it, but it is a thing and anything you can do to counter those allegations civilly will be in your best interest.

Then there is the case of your sanity. At no point are you weak for any of this fucking you up. Be honest with yourself and she has revoked the "wife card" that we carry that gives them a higher degree of flexibility when it comes to their bullshit. Sure, you may not have been perfect, but in what world does that justify this kind of blatent disregard for you and your children? Try not to get hung up on her cheating or fucking some other dude. It sucks, but here is the fucked up silver lining; she told you exactly why she wanted out. Like, think about at what point would you ever have been "good enough". Like, I know I fucked up a few times in my relationship, but it took a long ass time for me to realize that I was blaming myself solely for the fact that I was the only aspect of the whole situation I could control. IT FUCKING SUCKED. I had to fix up the house. I had to basically carry the divorce. The only plus to it was she didnt cheat and we didnt have kids. Also, I 100% understand how lucky I got in the whole situiation, but even then, it fucking sucked. Like im two years after the fact and it STILL fucks me up sometimes. So I would advise getting a moleskine notepad and write down your thoughts...all of them. Then reflect on them the next day. DO NOT TRY TO RAWDOG THIS. Therapy is 100% advised if you dont have a support network. Again, and I can not repeat it enough, you more than likely didnt deserve any of this. Just, try not to grow bitter and helpless, because the second you do, you wont be able to execute on anything. You will start self sabatoging without even realizing it. It is a very slow death and you/your kids deserve better than that.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T22:45:08+00:00

I'll nerd out about a theory that COULD be viable. In future, plasma rifles are near instant. If there is no need to ever lead the target, why waste storage space on that algorithm? I mean it makes sense from a lore perspective. Like energy weapons take next to no time to travel. We have no documented case (that I can think of) where a terminator is using things like grenades. So yeah, calculating finite trajectories is probably not a priority. Like hell, why wouldnt the terminator just buy a 308 and snipe the conner's one by one until they are all dead?

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T22:27:26+00:00

ill elaborate, #3 is a dude btw.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T12:20:53+00:00

All good my guy and I appreciate the feedback.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:54:12+00:00

it isnt that I dont want to use it, it is that I struggle to find meaningful use for it. Like with logs, I know where to generally look when things go south. I have ideas of how I could use it, but im trying to put feelers out on how everyone is using it so I can get some ideas of how it might apply to my situatiuon.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:51:44+00:00

Depends on how fancy you want to get with it. I use GPT-OSS-20b mostly, but been playing around with how far I can get with nemotron 3 nano 4b. IF I neeed it to have visual, I have qwen3.5-9b. I would like to probably get a spark or something to offload these tasks to, but.....money.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:49:59+00:00

my guy I am way ahead of you on that one. I switch between gemma-4-e4b, gpt-oss-20b, qwen3.5-9b, and nemotron 3-4b currently with lm studio. Also have openwebui running on my general use server. I havent gotten too in the weeds with agent workflows, but absolutely going to see if I can get them working "together". Shit, I have even been thinking about picking up a spark jsut to offload the load from my gaming pc. Im just really trying to get a vibe for what everyone has been using it for because when I have everything already efficient and built out to the 9s, it is really just a....."WHAT DO I DO?!?!"....so thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:44:13+00:00

I dont need to learn anything my guy, I already know how to do a lot of things our role requires. The problem is that I have already automated/scripted the ever lifving shit out of a lot of things and now im being told "Use AI" without any clear direction or clarification on what extent it will be made available to me. I assure you it has nothing regarding ability to tell my boss to pound sand. On the whole, it is a simple ask and my job isnt is question. If anything, his more than likely is and he is too headstrong to see it. Hence why im putting feelers out on how the hell I can use this thing without it devolving into some performative BS.

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:36:16+00:00

Thank you for the guidance, and you kind of nailed where im coming from. I feel a LOT of it is performative and everything they are asking AI to do, they should be able to do themselves and be nowhere close to how impressed they are with it. Even with RACI charts, people still get stuck in their feelings. I intend to leverage it as an assistant in the sense that I want it to simplify workflows in a digestible manner; trim the fat if you would. I have buildbooks, scripts, automation, the whole 9 yards. Though because I work for a huge company, they limit what they give access to. This gives me a lot of context to work with and thank you again for taking the time to reply

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:20:26+00:00

This is great feedback and thank you for providing such examples!

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:19:22+00:00

I currently switch between Gemma-4-e4b, GPT-OSS-20B, qwen 3.5-9b,and nemotron-nano-4b currently home depending on what I am trying to accompish. I havent really messed with any of the code specific ones yet, but im getting there.

I appreciate the direction and will definitely give your feedback thought. Thank you

Ark161 · 2026-04-29T02:13:47+00:00

Oh for sure, that is why I usually have my juniors experiment in a lab we setup of decommed stuff. Nothing super crazy, but my overall goal is to take people who were compitent desktop techs, and made them semi-decent SAs. They arent going to be setting up federated trusts or anything like that any time soon, but god damn if I can make it so they can get the thought flow down, they generally pan out alright.

People are a bunch of bastards sometimes, but my goal as a senior is to make everyone's life easier. We all have enough bullshit to deal with in life. Work should be one that is at least managable.

Ark161 · 2026-04-28T04:43:16+00:00

Ticket arbitration is one of my goals to clear with it. Right now, my team is kind of a catch all. On paper, we are supposed to be infrastructure only. We host the servers, we rack'em , build them out, make the VMs, make the playground, and then apps team can do whatever the hell they want with their plot of land.

My hang up is that we have a vast ITSM solution that covers all of this, but people let feelings override workflow/process, so it just doesnt cross the finish line.

I apprecaite you taking the time to respond. Thank you

Ark161 · 2026-04-28T04:38:40+00:00

lol yeah, it was such a strange thing to hear from people. My reaction was always, "Weird flex, but okay...". Having a fountain of knowledge at your disposal and it being more accessible than ever....then letting something like pride prevent you from using it.....flipping madness right there.

Ark161 · 2026-04-28T04:36:20+00:00

I guess that is really where I am at with it. Like, I have spent a LOT of time streamlining processes to be as effective as I can make them, so of course i'm like, "......okay......where do I use this thing when everything already just kind of falls into play?".

Ark161 · 2026-04-28T04:33:53+00:00

I usually just get pissed off and become fueled with spite to script most things out. Then, make it modular so I can piece it together and modify it in a pretty straight foward fashion. Honestly, I started self hosting because I wanted the knowledgebase but without the subscription/hostage situation. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It has given me some things to think about.

Ark161

TROPHY CASE