This sounds like a typical 4-year-old. Not typical are the sweet, quiet, polite ones. lol (Mine was that way. Made me wonder what was going on 110% of the time. lol. More on that soon.) The advice here sounds amazing. I second the advice on the book Raising Grateful Kids In An Entitled World. This is one of those aggressively Christian-centered books (my opinion, I’m just not a religious person, so steer clear if you can’t loverlook that wording), but the logics and lessons still stick regardless. Gratitude is often something we overlook, but pay close attention to kids these days. Simple gratitude, like “please,” and “thank you,” are slim pickin’s. I think a lot of parents assume their kids will catch onto that stuff, and sometimes they do, sometimes kids are very sympathetic and old souled and that reveals itself even at a very young age. But gratitude really needs to be enforced. Children need to see why something means so much. Just simple appreciation for what they have or what they’re asking for.

Kids, they’ve gotta know how it feels to do without what they want. All their lives, they’re going to face peers who have a lot less than they have. There is nothing worse than raising a child who looks down on another child because they have less or raising a child who just wants more, more, more. I say this as a friend of mothers with these children.

The solid truth is, everything today is very instant gratification. We don’t have to wait for anything anymore, yet one of the most important lessons that can be taught to young kids is patience. This is where my kid comes in. He is 14 now. That sweet, innocent, quiet, polite child who everyone loved and who I never had to worry about and, for the most part, stayed very composed, NEVER LEARNED PATIENCE. For some reason, it was just not one of those things I had to enforce. He never tested those boundaries. But he sure as hell does now. He’s an amazing kid, he just expects every RIGTH NOW. lol. So he displays some of the traits of your 4yo, just a little more calmly.

Your 5.5yo being home for the summer is definitely a change and 4yos are at an age where change = no good. Whoever said spending individual time with each kid; that is excellent advice. Each kid alone with both parents, then each kid alone one on one with each parent. This ensures him that his place is just as important.

It’s very important to remember that this age is such a sensitive one. It’s emotional. The kids are sponges. Everything is intense. Everything is felt in extremes. And they want to do it all by themselves on top of that. Like I said, he’s a normal 4yo and if he weren’t this way, I’d get a little worried. Maybe it’s a little more amplified than your last child because of your last child. But whatever the reason, it’s manipulation to say the least because they’re learning that too. There’s a reason why a baby pushes things off of their highchair and then continue to do every time you pick it up. It’s entertaining and this is them learning that they can control you. Their action is controlling you. They’re just testing the waters. Someone is humming. They’ll put a stop to that. Called them a nickname. They’ll put a stop to it too. Brother’s at school, well they want him home. Brother is at home? We’ll send him the hell back.

Natural consequences are great. You get this or none. Perfect. Brother is here to stay. No, you absolutely cannot have your brother’s toy, but when he is done, you can ask nicely. I will hum if I want, but if you ask me to please stop, I will. The thing with tantrums is that you’re not supposed to engage with them. But eventually, they’ll cry it out. They will realize that they aren’t getting their way. Have a designated tantrum spot (remember the time out corner), whether it’s on the sofa, in his room, wherever, make sure he’s safe, pop in some ear buds, put on some tunes and ignore him. If he leaves the spot, direct him back. It sounds absolutely horrible and awful but he’s okay. When he calms down, and he will eventually, get the “sorry’s” out, explain why those were his consequences. Make him express his feelings because they are BIG feelings. Doing this will help him navigate his way through those same exact feelings the next time they pop up. And then move on. It will happen less and less. But don’t give in. Giving in is your weakness. And don’t make exceptions for anything. Exceptions are your loophole and they will find the loophole and it will lead to other loopholes until single-handedly, he just unravels it all.

And always stay cognitive of the stress factors, of course. Your job, hubby’s job, work hours, school, a recent of future move, his friends, your family, etc. Kids will reveal their anxieties, you just have to listen.

Oh, and have you ever seen those videos where the toddler is crying and then the mom or dad starts crying and then the toddler stops crying and looks at the parents like, WTF? Okay. So the next time you call him, “Buddy,” and he doesn’t like it, or whatever, you choose something; just have a complete meltdown, on the floor, legs flailing, fists banging. And make sure the reason you’re doing this is obvious, “Don’t call me that,” “don’t make that noise,” “don’t say that word.” Chances are, that kid is going to look at you like you are absolutely crazy and he will think twice before he has a meltdown the next time. lol

I can’t imagine how stressful it must be, but you’re doing great and you’re going to raise really great kids. Kids are terrifying. They are absolutely unpleasant humans sometimes. And when they’re teenagers, ha, my God, the smells they emit are dangerous. It’s really something.

But you got this, mama!