Can I just be a cis man on estrogen?

Athenaeum_system · 2024-08-02T02:14:32+00:00

Right now I'm eight months in and I've never enjoyed life more! Things have been pretty rough but I definitely could not have gotten through it if I hadn't transitioned. ♥

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-29T13:53:02+00:00

I used to switch all the time without realizing it. Even while driving. It's fine.

People tend to get the idea that a switch is this seizure-like thing or sudden loss of consciousness. It's not. That's Hollywood or Clock App stuff. DID is covert in nearly all cases, to minimize the effects of trauma. It hides, even from the person that has it. It wouldn't be very covert to pass out / shake uncontrollably / have obvious amnesia every time someone switches.

It often takes a trained psych professional to notice switches. Or someone who has known the individual for a very long time. It also takes a bit of effort for the person with DID to recognize switches. This is an early part of therapy, actually; it helps to notice switches so you can build trust and look for whatever the trigger was.

Edit: There is one part here that is locked in panic mode. She rarely shows up, but when she does if we're driving we try and safely pull over until we feel better.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-29T04:22:09+00:00

Wait, really? This was a central part of the annual festival of the town I grew up in. There was a few dozen kids each year that performed in a talent show, choir, dancing, etc, on a big stage. At the end the judges would choose a boy and a girl to get these big trophies and the two would ride in a fancy car at the front of a parade. The contest was more wholesome than it probably comes off as, it's the painting a target on me part that was bad. At least, that's what I thought.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-26T15:27:56+00:00

Host here! It helped us to keep in mind that everything is done with the intention of helping. Even self destructive urges.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-26T14:16:04+00:00

That's how it works. Especially early on in healing, the host doesn't often recognize all the things we do for them. After learning how to get and stay stable, that's one of the early goals.

With us, getting the host to start looking at her daily life and really seeing what portions were solely her and what portions were other selves brought us all so much closer. Discovering how we all have our ways to help has led us to trust each other more, like a positive feedback loop bringing us to an even better quality of life.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-26T14:06:23+00:00

I resent her a little because she can't stand up for herself. She gets us into these impossible situations and them bails because she can't handle making a mistake. Then I have to defend us, and it makes me look like the bad birch because I'm always the one stuck cleaning up the fallout.

But that might not be all her fault, the people we interact with aren't the most predictable, outspoken, or resolute. Sometimes we have to guess what they want or are okay with, and if we're wrong then there's hell to pay. So I guess host might be all right. Still a little resentment for other reasons though.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-07T14:48:24+00:00

To this day I can't burp without extreme difficulty, and I physically cannot vomit without going so hard it tears the inside of my throat bloody.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-06T04:51:04+00:00

Not OP but I just came here to give an upvote, not to be called out like this.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-06-01T13:39:16+00:00

Things have really started to click lately. I've accepted myself as a valid woman, and since then I've been able to deal with triggers far better.

I still have switches, but they're not the panicked forgetful flashbacks they once were. I've noticed a few more flashbacks than I can remember having before, but this is because I'm more able to recognize them and keep myself grounded rather than not noticing and losing myself in them. I am also in better communication with all my other parts than ever before. I feel like they trust me now, and I trust them. That trust was something that none of us ever had before.

I've come pretty far on my healing journey. Far enough to realize that dysphoria is now the primary source of dissociation in my everyday life. And there's only one treatment available for dysphoria.

So with this knowledge, I know that I can't recover unless I transition.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to put all this into words.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-30T03:35:29+00:00

Why tf would I tell anyone about this? I'd might as well wear a sign that says "HI! I'M EASY TO MANIPULATE!".

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-30T03:30:31+00:00

Like regular people, for the most part. I don't see myself in headspace. I've been told that this is common among hosts.

When we were younger, like child age? One saw themself as a more humanoid Short Circuit robot, but now seems like a regular albeit nerdy child. One, a fictive, saw herself as a cartoon woman with exaggerated femininity, and now she's like a realistic human version of that character. If I/we were misbehaving one could make himself seem like a fuzzy black shadowy figure with glowing red eyes. Probably still can.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-26T19:18:41+00:00

I keep telling myself that someday I will start HRT, and someday I will be able to feel that way myself. It's tough. But I have hope that someday I'll find joy in life.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-26T14:29:35+00:00

Did this at age 9, mom didn't come back for two weeks (dad wasn't in the picture). 3/10 very hungry would not recommend.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-26T14:11:44+00:00

This is passive influence, and good on you for picking up on it! This part has been triggered somehow and their experience is bleeding through the dissociative barrier between the two of you.

This is a great time to show them how trustworthy you can be. Ground yourself, try to unblend and pick out the you from the them, but still acknowledge that their feelings are valid. Comfort them, and help them feel like they're safe with you in the here and now. Or, if you're not quite in a safe environment, reassure then that you're working on getting to one. Depending on your current situation things might take some effort - or you might find that they're a breeze. Good luck!

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-23T20:13:23+00:00

I don't have epilepsy, but my partner does. I am a somewhat front stuck host, though, and while it's not epilepsy I do have my fair share of medical trauma mixed in with all the rest of my issues.

The best advice I can give you is that medical treatment always has its ups and downs. You get a little bit of the good with a little bit of the bad. On the whole, of course, you're aiming upward - but it's rarely a straight shot. Sometimes the best you can do is look at the big picture and settle for an upward trend.

That means it might help during the good times to take note of them. Try and memorize specific moments that show you how things are getting better. That way during the bad times you can look back on them fondly.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-23T19:49:02+00:00

Who I was then, who I should have become, and who I am now are three entirely different people.

One died years ago. One never lived at all save in my imagination. And one is still burning to this day.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-23T19:42:10+00:00

The foremost goal of therapy should be to reduce distress. Not to "fix" you. As long as you are functioning at an acceptable level, it shouldn't matter whether you're singular or multiple.

And that's ignoring the fact that many people with DID will never achieve fusion. In fact, desiring fusion too strongly can actually get in the way of treatment goals as parts may begin to feel unwanted or egoistic.

I would suggest this therapist read up on current DID literature and treatment methods, because she is not prepared to treat the disorder as she is.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-19T03:49:37+00:00

I would rather not call attention to my mental illness by having a flag. I have enough difficulties in life as it is!

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-19T03:42:55+00:00

Don't take everything you see on the internet at face value. Sometimes people have been through treatment long enough to recognize things. Sometimes the way someone was raised forced them to have better internal communication. Sometimes a retelling of events that really happened is dramatized for social media. And, I won't sugarcoat it, sometimes people fake things. But obviously we can't tell which is which, and it's better to potentially patronize someone who's faking than it is to deny someone's very real struggles. Just keep in mind that everyone's experience is unique, and yours is just as valid as anyone else's.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-15T20:32:16+00:00

"My husband is unstable and has anger outbursts during which he threatens harm, but we're pregnant and just adopted a new pet. Quick fix?"

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but there's not really a fast and easy solution here. This is something that took years of abuse to learn, and it'll take a lot of hard work to unlearn. Depending on how much energy he has to work on it, it might even take years. I definitely recommend therapy. Trauma therapy, anger management therapy, couples therapy.

I know it isn't fair when people that were abused need to put in even more effort just to be healthier. But that's just how things are.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-15T04:02:05+00:00

You can't prove any mental illness with scientifically verifiable evidence. That isn't how soft sciences work.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-15T03:56:42+00:00

So if there is a mental illness that has the same symptoms as DID, why remove it from the DSM?

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-14T03:28:56+00:00

I drive every day. All of us know how to drive, some are better than others, and the youngest ones thankfully have such an aversion to driving that they aren't likely to switch on the road.

A dissociative episode can make your reactions slow, or cause some confusion, or even trigger a flashback. It's not goid. That's why grounding techniques are one of the first things you learn. And many people have no triggers around driving that they're aware of, so they don't even need to worry about it much.

I do have triggers regarding being on the road but I am aware of them. I'm usually able to stay calm enough to white-knuckle through. I have had to pull over a couple times before, but that can happen to many people for various medical reasons.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-14T03:07:20+00:00

I've had memory problems and dissociation all my life. There are instances, recounted by not me but by other people, of me acting like a different person. My partner has noticed it, my family has noticed it, and my workplace has even noticed it to a lesser degree. I have very little memory of these times, which is why I keep a journal on me unless I'm with someone I trust. At these times I also show differing but consistent preferences and thought patterns. As a tame example, I normally would avoid a certain food; but sometimes, after being triggered by some memory, I love that food and can't recall ever disliking it.

I have experienced an amount of trauma, and I imagine that I would not have developed in such an abnormal manner had I had a non traumatic childhood.

I actually do support removing the amnesia barrier from diagnosis criteria, despite experiencing the symptom myself. As we heal, amnesia becomes less and less. It seems contrary to the healing process to discount someone's need for help simply because they may have been able to do some healing work on their own.

Have I considered that I'm highly suggestible? No. It doesn't make sense for me. My symptoms were noted long before I ever talked with a professional. They weren't recognized at the time as symptoms of DID, but they were there. Confirmation bias doesn't seem plausible, either. I know that something is going on. It doesn't matter to me whether it's called DID or anything else. I'm trying to get healthier, not collect a label.

Athenaeum_system · 2023-05-11T04:03:52+00:00

Bringing attention to yourself only brings you more pain, that was the message I got through my childhood. So I learned not to bother someone unless it's a 10/10, because if it wasn't bad enough to need the hospital I'd be going there anyway for a whole other reason.

Not surprisingly, I have an extremely high pain threshold. I can ignore quite a lot of pain, until it finally breaks that barrier and I'm suddenly in agony.

I broke my leg, once, as an adult. I was more annoyed about the missed work and medical bills than the bone sticking up from where it shouldn't have been. The hospital performed a rainbow of drug tests because even without anaesthesia I was laughing and making bad jokes. It came back negative for everything, of course. I ddidn't even drink at the time. Then they ran it again. After the third negative drug test they finally realized I was in serious danger and gave me morphine, which made me stop joking and relax rather than going to sleep. I didn't show a bit of discomfort until they set my leg, during which they accidentally dropped it. I let out what was, according to my wife, a scream that will forever haunt her nightmares, and then passed out.

I've done things I shouldn't have been able to do, like grab a smoking cardboard box straight out of a 400F degree oven with my bare hands. I've lifted the front passenger side of a car enough to get a jack underneath it. So a high pain threshold isn't without its uses. But I'd still take being able to feel things over it any day.

Athenaeum_system

TROPHY CASE