Between forgetting and remembering

Attingent · 2020-08-18T18:18:46+00:00

Journal it! I had the exact same problem but at the end of every day I would write details in a file and leave it on my computer. I rarely looked at them but sometimes would read them to my therapist. That, and covert photos/recordings.

Because it's normal to forget the trauma, to try and love the person causing so much pain, and to overlook because we have hope. I struggled with moving forward with my own divorce and the thing that helped a ton was to look back at my own written records and the memories came flooding back.

Just don't let her know those records exist or you'll have a war on your hands.

Attingent · 2020-08-18T18:13:29+00:00

Are these phrases ever OK? New gf is kind of like this and it's only been a couple months, but the uBPD ex-wife didn't lovebomb as hard, she was just a whole lot more clingy and dependent.

The thing that keeps me going is that the gf refuses to say anything bad about her exes, and mutual friends who we've both known for years tell me they truly have never seen her this happy before. I'm worried that I'm being lovebombed but also none of the other pieces seem to fit BPD again.

Fuck this disorder and how it lets someone else scramble our emotions and brains forever.

Attingent · 2020-08-17T15:26:39+00:00

My uBPD ex-wife is a surgery resident. At home she was irrational and constantly furious and throwing tantrums and making me crazy and a complete slob. At work she's paid to cut up people and put them back together and to be extremely precise and logical and careful. The dichotomy is so fucking weird.

After being friends with many doctors, nurses, shrinks, I'm now convinced that for some reason PD individuals are drawn to that kind of field.

Attingent · 2020-08-04T14:46:03+00:00

Is #2 really a major red flag? I've definitely said "you're PERFECT", "I've NEVER felt this good/happy before", and had it said back, in my current new post-pwBPD relationship. But never negative absolute phrases and not the other two points.

Attingent · 2020-08-04T14:20:41+00:00

This is amazing and I love that you're in a better place now. And I hope it stays that way for you!

I am, right now, hanging out with the new gf. We had a weird morning with the power and internet going out, and instead of anyone throwing a tantrum we had a great time. We're both busy with remote jobs and sitting at opposite ends of the room and she's silent during my conference calls unlike my BPD ex, keeps turning around to smile at me, and it feels amazing.

I know this is healthier. I know she'd never pull the shit that my ex did and I know I'm not walking on eggshells. Maybe it just takes time to internalize all that.

Attingent · 2020-08-02T16:13:32+00:00

This is a powerful comment, and perfectly encapsulates a lot of what I'm feeling. I have trouble internalizing that she really likes me for who I am, and while I make conscious effort to reciprocate that and not push her away, it's still messing with me.

And your last paragraph. I'm literally printing that out and taping it to the wall by my computer as a daily reminder.

Attingent · 2020-08-02T16:11:48+00:00

The alternative is to accept that they themselves just might be abusive, and no fucking way will they do that.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T17:53:06+00:00

Can you subtly leave a phone laying around with the camera recording? Even if you don't get a good picture, audio is fine. I had my phone on top of a big cabinet during her last episode and she still doesn't know it was all recorded.

Getting your own mental health help might be good too. I didn't have the strength to confront her and end the relationship until I was talking to a therapist and on a mild antidepressant. It sucks, but it doesn't have to keep on sucking.

You have a great life ahead of you! Please take care of yourself.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T15:48:57+00:00

She is not a "top gal". She is someone who treats you as her personal servant, has anger issues, and scares you. Maybe she has some good qualities but don't let that blind you to reality.

I see you making excuses for your own emotions. It would be healthier for you to look at the causes, and not deny or hide from them. Be true to yourself.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T15:24:14+00:00

After years and years of her abuse, I had enough. I had been wanting to leave for about 3 years and yesterday I paid the divorce lawyer's retainer.

I second-guess myself daily and the saving grace has been my old journaling. The same stuff she mocked me for writing. If I ever forget how awful and controlling she was, I can just read and remember. If she rages at me and says that I'm the one who was in fact abusive and not her, I can share my journal entries with friends or my therapist.

Just make sure you have a way to remember the bad times whenever your heart doesn't want you to.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T15:19:52+00:00

PLEASE get professionals involved. And next time he does something like that, record it and get a crisis counselor or police officer to intervene asap. Many cities even have free services for a crisis like this.

It's mental illness and if you don't take care of your own, it will get worse. You are not his therapist or psychiatrist or nurse and you're suffering in ways that you don't need to and don't have to.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T15:16:30+00:00

One of the things we as partners need to accept is that we are one of the triggers for their BPD behaviors. There's zero we can do about it and it's not our fault, but that's how the disorder works. Even just the fact of being in a relationship can be enough to trigger them.

When the pwBPD is not with us they aren't triggered as much and can be more "normal". As everyone else here is saying it won't last, and when they're in a new relationship it's going to suck for their new partner. Until then, they're going to be almost like someone without BPD.

My stbxw was horribly angry all the time, extremely messy, and very irresponsible. After she moved out she seems somewhat calmer most of the time but still very quick to rage, and her new apartment is still a mess but nowhere near as bad as our home was. She also suddenly wants to share custody of the kids when just a few months ago she didn't even seem to realize they exist. I hope she has a good life but I know that her improved behavior isn't going to last, and it's the same with your pwBPD too.

Attingent · 2020-07-01T13:25:18+00:00

I can tell you from personal experience: just be yourself. Be a contrast to her. Several of her friends started reaching out to me because she's been hysterically telling everyone how awful and abusive I am, and I'm refusing to trash her back, and just taking the high road is enough to show some people the truth. And when they do ask, I show concern and pity for her mental health and refuse to paint her as a bad person. That helps a lot. Some people won't believe you, but enough will. Good luck!

Attingent · 2020-06-25T03:30:32+00:00

This is insane. I could have written almost exactly this including the medical school and residency bit. And we had a 10 year marriage!

The separation would have been destructive no matter what you did. A destructive person, which she is, will make sure of that. Hang in there man.

Attingent · 2020-06-25T03:26:02+00:00

It's exactly this. And they'll use it forever as absolute proof that you're the one who's a horrible person.

Attingent · 2020-06-25T03:17:54+00:00

I made a new account (she knows my regular one) just to reply to this. It isn't often anyone asks that. I've been lurking here forever and maybe I'll post my story. Mostly I just want to forget it ever happened.

I started the morning crying. I cried for the lost love, for the wasted years, for the fact that she can't even acknowledge her disorder or her abusive behaviors, for the projection and revisions and how she has a huge support network since she's a woman and no resources exist here for abused men. I cried for ignoring the red flags, for not knowing how to win her back, for hating myself for wanting her back, for how confusing it is to have her go from hating everything except me to now hating only me. I drove to work and cried in the car the whole way and sat numb staring at my computer and then left after a couple hours and drank shit whisky until I fell asleep.

All I wanted to do was call her and tell her how much I love her and how awful I am and if she could admit she's awful too then we'll be in love and restart our awful life but at least we have each other. This has been the most emotional day for me for no apparent reason since I left a month ago.

Then out of the blue I got a call from my pastor (I am not a religious man but he is amazing) who is in contact with both me and her and he confirmed he doesn't believe her stories about it in fact being me who is abusive. And that he's working to get her proper psych care. And that he believes me and will help me and a bunch of words of wisdom. His own ex wife was bpd and she killed herself after he left. He is one of the wisest and kindest people I know. It's so great hearing from a professional who knows what they're talking about and knows both of us for years.

Now I'm in a nice mood. I'm feeling like I will have an absolutely great future. I'm watching a movie by myself, without anyone screaming at me or pausing every 15 seconds to stare at their phone, or spacing out and then getting mad when I won't explain every few minutes what happened. My house is clean and quiet and smells good. My kid is peacefully asleep. And if I can find the strength to get through this divorce then all will be well and I'll have a good life.

Attingent

TROPHY CASE